It's the Way I Eat Now--or Living la vida loca in South Florida

Moved my blog

2009-10-31T08:43:00.000-07:00

I've moved my blog to Wordpress. I'm hoping to be able to use the variety of features that they seem to have over this one. That and I can't figure out how to merge blogger accounts, but it was very easy to move this one over there. Hmm. Anyway, if I have anyone who reads my blog, then please find me at here.

Or type in ritaliccious.wordpress.com into your web browser. Thanks!!

Pictures

2009-10-27T03:19:00.000-07:00

I'll be sure to include more pictures from now on. I just went through and the posts with pictures are definitely more interesting than the posts without.

So in that regard, there's my coffee. I start every morning with a big cup.

It's Tuesday, which is a day I usually don't like. Shy was home sick yesterday. Allergies, not Swine. She will be getting the H1N1 vaccine as they are giving them at her school. I don't usually get flu shots, but there seems to be a higher incidence and the fact that the CEO of my company who is a Neo as well as someone whose opinion I value said to get it means that she will be getting it. As will J.

Lunch is a veggie burger and some leftover mixed veggies. I'll have pictures of that at lunch time.

I'm off to get ready for work.

A new week

2009-10-26T03:01:00.000-07:00

It's Monday. Again. Another one. I definitely could have used another two days off. Hopefully Shy is feeling better. Yesterday was a fun day with my friends at lunch. Then we had ice cream at Kilwin's and then hung out with the kiddo at Barnes & Noble.

We went to the grocery store and then came home to work on her book report. After that I had a mini John Adams marathon and watched the first two episodes on DVD. That was such a well done show. I watched it with the kids since it was history and I wanted them to appreciate what it took to stand up for your convictions and beliefs back in that day and age.

I ended my evening with Don Draper and the gang of Mad Men. That is one of my favorite shows.

This morning I'm enjoying some coffee before I head out to work, after dropping the kids off at school.

I definitely should have taken off today. Or tomorrow. Or any day.

Another football day

2009-10-25T04:35:00.000-07:00

Hopefully my Dolphins do better today than the Hurricanes did yesterday.

I love relaxing and being up early with my cup of coffee before everyone gets up. I have quite a few things to do around the house, but I'm taking a bread at lunch time to have lunch with my friends from high school. We try to get together at least once a month. We try to do it more, but it hasn't worked out that way.

I totally neglected my reading yesterday even though I did go to the library. I'm hoping to finish the Uglies today or tomorrow. I have so many books on my TBR list that I'm not sure which one I'll pick up next. I'll probably pick back up Sunday Money since I am about half way through and dropped it to participate in the DystopYA challenge.

I'm down a pound this week. Very happy about that. I know I made some positive changes, but I also know that there are a bunch of things I could change that would make the loss more significant. However, it's not about big pendulum swings but rather slow and steady progress that will remain.

Breakfast will probably be toast with coffee and a slice of cheese. A light one since I'm going to lunch with the girls. I'll try to remember to take more pictures.

Coffee calls.

It isn't a thriller in OT when you are on the losing side of the thriller

2009-10-24T20:30:00.000-07:00

What a day.

I ran errands in the morning and did some housework. One of the errands was heading to the store to replace my Hurricanes hat which broke while I was getting dressed. Under normal circumstances a broken and unwearable Hurricane cap would not have required an immediate replacement. BUT, today was no ordinary Saturday. I was heading to the Clemson vs. Hurricanes game this afternoon and I needed to be sporting my UM pride.

Sadly, it didn't do anything for the team. But the view from the box was amazing!

The game was exciting I suppose. since there were 12 lead changes. But, we lost it ourselves. There was a lot of sloppy play where we weren't covering in the secondary, we were giving the opposing QB too much time to throw AND the penalties were ridiculous but warranted half the time.

Anyhow, I still love my 'Canes!

In other sports related activity, the Yankees and Angels game was postponed to tomorrow. The Dolphins play New Orleans tomorrow. You know, the New Orleans team that is still undefeated. The NO team that has Drew Brees, the quarterback we passed on.

I'm fading fast but I wanted to come on and say hi. Good night all.

Friday Night Lights

2009-10-24T07:05:00.000-07:00

No, I didn't go to a football game. Just came home with the munchkin and had dinner

This was really good. Shrimp fried rice that I made with some baby shrimp and a mix of broccoli slaw, snow peas and broccoli. There
s a couple of popcorn shrimp on top and that's amazing roasted cauliflower on the side. If you have never tried roasting cauliflower then I suggest you add it to your grocery list for today. I absolutely love it. Sprinkled with some tarragon, thyme and lemon dill this time. Lemon juice and a dusting of parmesan cheese tops it off at the end of the roasting time. I used my mini oven and it toasted up quite nicely. I wish I had more. Maybe then again not.

I watched Friday's GH and then watched a Dateline episode which freaked me out as always. Those can be scary when you are home alone. Ugh, I'm such a wimp sometimes.

I woke up Saturday morning to this

I'm not sure if you can see it in the background there, but it's a rainbow. It must have rained on and off throughout the night (I'm one of those dead to the world kind of sleepers so I'm not sure) but this is what I woke up to when I walked out my front door.

Today involves running some errands this morning and then potentially going to the Clemson vs Univ of Miami game later this afternoon. I'm waiting to hear back from a friend who has an extra ticket. The cool thing is that it is in a box, so that if it rains we won't get wet. Additionally, I'll get to bring my daughter with me since it's in the box. She and I had plans for the afternoon but we rearranged them and would rather go to the game.

Have a great Saturday!!

Happy New Year!

2009-10-24T05:06:00.001-07:00

Today's my January 1st. The day I begin with my resolutions etc. If I do, then I'll be down at least 10-20 pounds. As I've mentioned, I've come to realize the reasons that I eat at night. It's not just a bad habit, but rather my own defeatism as well as Lois. You remember Lois right? The name I gave to my alternate self that always puts me down. I would kick Lois' ass if she talked to my friends like that, so why do I let her talk about me like that.

I've been visualizing myself through my daughter's eyes and have found that it's been an eye opener. She thinks I am beautiful and loves me unconditionally regardless of what I weigh. I know that eventually, I will truly believe that I am worthy. Actually, you know what, I am. I'm not going to throw the pity party for myself anymore. I'm worthy of happiness right now. The number on the scale doesn't define that. It won't ever again.

However, I do need to lose weight, first and foremost to get within my healthy weight range. I am not going to obsess on one number, but rather what the healthy range is and get to that. By eating and acting like the healthy and thin person I want to be. She's in there, I just have to let her out.

I am happy to report that I didn't eat anything after dinner. No snack. Yes, re-read that. It says I had no snack. And according to Dr. Oz a 24 hour fast is a good way to cleanse yourself of impurities in a natural and healthy way, not using harmful chemicals and expensive products that you see marketed all the time. I chose today to do that. I have to admit to drinking coffee with milk in it, because I would be useless if I didn't have my coffee. Hey! Leave it at that. One demon at a time ok. I'll get to eat dinner since that will have completed my 24 hour cycle. It's 430p as I write this and I will admit to not feeling quite right. Let's just say I'm counting down until I get to eat again. I needed to to do this exercise for a couple of reasons. Mainly though, I wanted to feel real hunger. I wanted to know and to show myself that hunger is NOT an emergency. (yes, I've stolen this from The Beck Diet Solution and one of her exercises). And I needed to prove this to myself.

I'll finishing up at the job, where thankfully this one individual who doesn't thrill me has been particularly busy today and after a rocky morning has settled down for the day. I'm leaving here, stopping at the library to renew some DVDs that I checked out. (Devil Wear's Prada,Mad Money, Nanny Diaries) I'm getting Shy from Nanny's. I was going to stop at Target and get that done tonight, but I'm not feeling like shopping right now. I'll be heading straight home to heat up my veggie mix and chicken (again, yes, I'm eating chicken) and maybe having it with some quinoa pilaf. I'm also going to have a green monster (no, I STILL haven't tried those) for a snack tonight, if I need one. Probably I won't, so maybe that will be breakfast tomorrow. Either way, I'm busting out the camera. It's time to document all of my food. I mean, it is my January resolution afterall.

Special Place in Hell

2009-10-23T04:16:00.000-07:00

For people who harm children.

I've been watching the news on the little girl who was murdered in northern Florida and I wasn't going to blog about it, but I feel compelled to express my sadness for this family. I have a 6 y/o little girl, so of course I make the natural comparison's but any parent would feel the gut wrenching horror that this poor mom is going through.

Who can harm a little girl like that? And this poor, poor woman. My heart breaks for her.

And I don't want to hear one more time about who lets a seven year old walk home without adult supervision. You don't know the situation and you don't know the circumstance that lead to that horrible and tragic decision. As I said, it's luck. We (parents) have all made seemingly innocuous decisions that could have led to tragedy but didn't. This poor woman will be forever questioning herself.

How do you survive something like that? I just saw her on the Today show and she seems incredibly strong. Much more so than I would have been.

I'm going to hug my children now.

TGIF!!!

2009-10-23T03:00:00.000-07:00

The kids don't have school today and I realize that I should have taken the day off. But I didn't. So, I'll drop them off and go to work, but I'll try to get out early that's for sure.

Nothing exciting today.

The kids are getting the h1n1 flu shot. And I'm not really sure I believe in flu shots, but they are going to get them anyway. Yes, I reviewed the pros and cons and came to this decision. If something happened and I didn't have them get the shot the guilt and hindsight would kill me. Yes, that is the main reason that I am getting them the flu shots.

In other weight related news, I've been working some internal work and realize what and why I eat and what positive intent it gives me. Now, I just need to work out the habits and get into something else. Well, last night, first night I don't eat at night after dinner. Yea me. That was huge for me.

Try, try again

2009-10-20T03:01:00.000-07:00

I'm trying to think of a quote, something like "the difference between failure and success is one more try." I think I just made that up. But I like it.

I'm going to try again today. And keep trying until I make it through a full day. It's that important to me.

I have to watch the Devil Wears Prada. Apparently, according to a friend of mine at work, the Glen Close character is just like my female boss and what her expectations are. Well, said boss is back today. Yesterday was a nice and quiet day at work. We'll see what it brings.

I like to think that I can trace my struggles with when said boss was promoted and thus got on her power kick, thus increasing my chronic stress levels, but that's just an excuse. Some kind of spell comes over me when I walk in the door at the end of the day and I need to bust out of this rut. It's gone on long enough. I'm sure I'd make a great case study at the local College of Psychology. Speaking of therapy, I'm thinking of not going back. I mean, I've gained 15 pounds since I've been going, so part of me thinks, what the hell am I doing. I do, however, realize, that I've made some serious progress on the demons that I have. Although, you won't see me posting a crazy ass video on here like poor Kanye did on his website. That dude is a case study for sure.

Today will be a busy day I'm sure. I'm just sitting here enjoying the quiet before it begins with some coffee. Breakfast will be my standard fare, a bagel at Nanny's. Lunch will be salad with some leftover chicken on top. I'll have a yogurt w/kashi cereal as a topping for a snack in the afternoon with my tea and then dinner will probably be mixed veggies with some lentils and rice. My evening snack will be popcorn or a popsicle.

Definitely woke up too early. I'm tired already and I haven't even gotten dressed yet.

I miss my friend

2009-10-19T18:35:00.000-07:00

No pictures of my food today. Sorry.

This is going to be a rather short post as well as I'm just not in the mood to write. Well, I could always write, but if it isn't anything meaningful, then all I'm doing is typing grammatically correct sentences. And even that is questionable.

I miss my friend. This person knows who they are. Or they should. I miss talking about everything and anything. I miss the comfortable lapses of silence. I miss the friendship most of all. Knowing that someone was thinking of you and waiting to share the day's events at the end of the day.

There will be some of you who are so vain that like Warren to my Carly you will think this post is about you. It isn't.

I've denied the funk that I've been in for months because of the ending of this friendship. I was able to distract myself for awhile but eventually I suppose I need to acknowledge it. My sadness about the ending of this friendship. I have to in order to move on. I miss you friend. But I'm letting go and moving on. I was able to see today that I've been holding out for a rekindling of our friendship. I see now, that it won't happen. I've learned a lot from it.

In the meantime, I'm going to go watch West Wing and read. Not necessarily in that order.

Manic Monday

2009-10-19T03:03:00.000-07:00

Not really. I've said this before, but I totally don't mind Monday's. Both bosses are out of the office, so I can use this time to play catch up. I'll be trying to utilize Google Calendar as I really prefer the functionality that it has vs Outlook or iCal (both of which I have/use) because I can access the calendar anywhere, from any computer. The fact that I can have tasks incorporated with the calendar are one of the things I like. My preference, of course, would be if I could use iCal and Outlook at the same time w/my iPhone. Outlook at work and iCal at home. If you know how, let me in on the secret. kthnx

In eating and health related news, I'm up two pounds. WTF?? How did that happen. Apparently the same way someone can not really pay too much attention to what they are eating and go down two pounds. (Yes, Michael, this means you!) Well, I know I haven't been writing EVERYTHING down, so I guess it's time to own it and do it. I'll need to plan out my meals in advance. I always am more successful when I do that.

My breakfast today is the same thing I have every morning: a bagel w/a spritz of butter spray and a tbsp off sugar free orange marmalade. Lunch will be a sandwich using up the leftover chicken breast. Yes, I started eating fowl on occasion. Sorry if that disappoints my veggie/vegan friends. Dinner is going to be a veggie stirfy w/a garden burger. Pictures to follow later.

Now for some local news, fall is finally here. We went from record highs of 92 to a record low of 57 the next night. Yes, it's true and I'm not exaggerating. It was so nice to open all the windows and enjoy the weather for a change.

Time to get the kiddo-s up and at 'em. Enjoy your Monday.

BOTNS Books Podcast #47: DystopYA | Books on the Nightstand Blog and Books Podcast

2009-10-18T08:15:00.000-07:00

I have not only read The Hunger Games by Suzanne Collins for this challenge, but I couldn't help but to immediately read Catching Fire as well. I was so enthralled by The Hunger Games, that I skipped all my other books that were in queue before Catching Fire to read it immediately. And read it I did, in about three days.

The Hunger Games, begins with Katniss in the woods with Gale. The year isn't really known but it's a good ways into the future. The United States, obviously is no more and now is known as Panem. The 50 states have been broken into 12 Districts and are under strict control from "The Capitol" which is somewhere near Denver. I can understand the sisterly love and sacrifice that Katniss makes for her sister. This book is a YA novel and I don't really read that genre, but the writing was good and kept me in suspense almost the entire time. I found myself wanting Katniss to really be in love with Peeta and I suppose that in a way, she does find herself in love with him. I have to keep reminding myself that these are teenagers that I am reading about. I did like the Romeo and Juliet ending, albeit not as deadly as Shakespeare's original.

Moving towards Catching with Fire and trying not to give it away for anyone who is reading this and hasn't read the books yet, I can honestly say that I didn't see where the plot was going. Each plot twist was surprising to me. I soon became as confused as Katniss and didn't know who to trust and who not to trust. I definitely didn't see the ending of the second book coming either. As a matter of face, I had to go back and re-read the last few pages to be sure that I was comprehending what the author was trying to tell me. Really?? How did I not see this ending coming? And better yet, when the hell is the third book coming out.

I have to say, I thank Ann (and Michael) for pointing me towards this series. It's the second series (Girl w/the Dragon Tattoo being the first) that I am scouring the internet trying to see when the publishing dates are and marking them on my google calendar. A first for me.

And was I the only one who puts myself into the story and imagines how I would survive living in a country like that?? I could totally go off on a political tangent now, but I'll save it for another post. I'm such a tease, I know.

EDIT OF ORIGINAL POST

So, I realized that I left out the things that I didn't like. Or why I liked it other than I just found it to be a page turner. I feel that anytime a book elicits a strong emotion, be it anger, frustration or impatience or positive emotions such as happiness or excitement that it must be well written. Well, these two books hit all of those and then some. Currently, the biggest emotion is anticipation. Anticipation of the third novel to quell the curiosity that the crazy cliffhanger that Collins left for us. But I'm putting the cart ahead of the horse. Because I also felt frustration for Katniss and her inability to see that Peeta really is the one she should choose. I never really connected with Gale because he seemed to be a supporting character in both books. I know he figured prominently in Katniss' mind, but for us, the reader, there were too few instances where he appeared for me to be able to connect with him. I was rooting for Peeta all the way, and actually got angry with him when he failed to fight for Katniss and was willing to let her go so easily.

I guess the one thing that I didn't like about the novel was that they had to go back to the Arena and fight again. Big plot moment in that, yes, I know, but I still thought there would have been or could have been a different way to do this. To get the rebellion going. I did have to say that I did enjoy it once I got past my anger at them having to get tossed back into the games.

I never realized that this was supposed to be a trilogy so imagine my shock and surprise at the ending. It's been hours since I finished it and I am still stunned.

Sunday Competition

2009-10-18T08:09:00.000-07:00

Shy had another gymnastics competition this morning. she did great! All of her scores went up, except the beam which stayed the same. Her score would have been even higher had she not forgotten one of her jumps on the beam. I'm so proud of her and she is really into this. She breathes, eats and sleeps gymnastics. The only down side is that the older she gets the more time consuming it is. So, I'm a gymnastics mom!

The bad thing about drawing an 8a start time is that you have to get up really early, especially since the meet was about 45 min away. The good thing is that we are done and home by 11a and the day isn't totally lost. I've got laundry (don't I always) to do and then we will be hitting up Books-a-Million for Jon for his weekly comic book fix.

Dolphins are on a bye week, so it'll just be NASCAR today.

In other random news, I still chuckle ala Beavis and Butthead anytime I hear the term 'tea baggers' in a political sense.

TGIF BITCHEZZZZZ!!!!!!!

2009-10-16T03:34:00.001-07:00

It's Friday. I've got some new clothes from my good friend D and it makes me feel really good to look good again. I cleaned out my closet last night and that purging and organizing is something that really centers me. Are you like that as well? I'm totally running late and need to go and get dressed for work.

I'm going to start using Google Calendar to see if I can get myself more organized than I am. Work has been really crazy lately and it seems that I'm going to have to take a more proactive role in certain areas of my work life. I'm ok with that, I'm just trying to figure out how to be efficient and effective without making myself totally crazy.

I'm also going to plan my meals for the week and hit the grocery store. I'm feeling so energized after finally getting out there and running again. Of course I didn't run the whole time, but I ran more than I walked. Either way, it really does feel good, and makes me want to eat right.

Went Running

2009-10-15T18:58:00.000-07:00

I almost didn't. I almost dragged my clothes and running shoes back into the car without using them. As I had been doing this entire week. And last week as well, if I'm being honest. But not today. Got to the door of the bathroom and without thinking just went into the big stall to change my clothes. I started to make excuses...there's laundry to do...I'm 15 minutes late...it's set me even more behind...I'd rather just go eat dinner and read a book. But then, I thought to myself, remember that feeling. You know the one. That feeling of having just powered through something that you didn't want to do but knew that you would feel great if you did it anyway. The feeling of accomplishment. The feeling of sweat running down your face and the after effect of stretching. How good it is to stop running after you've done it for so long. You know,"C'mon! Just get through this next 2 min/song/to the next tree/corner whatever the case may be milestone. Then I can walk", you tell yourself. Well, I hadn't felt that in a very long time. AND, my friend D wants to run a 5K on 10/31. Well, that's just two weeks away. If I'm going to do that, then I definitely need to get my ass out there. So I did. And man did it feel good.

Not all the time, and definitely not at first. But when the sweat started dripping down my face and I had those running songs on. Well, it was like visiting with an old friend. It just felt good.

I did almost three miles today. I can totally handle that. Watch out. I'm back.

BOTNS Books Podcast #47: DystopYA | Books on the Nightstand Blog and Books Podcast

2009-10-14T03:28:00.000-07:00

BOTNS Books Podcast #47: DystopYA | Books on the Nightstand Blog and Books Podcast

My book, as previously mentioned, is The Hunger Games by Suzanne Collins. I've just finished reading it and will post a review this week. It was one of those books I couldn't put down and stayed up late to read.

Heat, heat and more heat

2009-10-13T03:20:00.000-07:00

OMG, it's been so hot lately. It's October, and while I do remember times where it was warm/humid on Halloween, I truly don't remember this horrible heat before this late in the year.

I've been feeling a restlessness. This in and of itself is nothing new. But, I've been thinking more and more of moving northward. The biggest problem is my job. I've been there for 14 years. I suppose the best scenario is one where I get a promotion in a different city and therefore can still keep my job and scratch my restlessness.

I had yesterday off which was quite nice. Not the original reason that I had the day off but the fact that we were finished by 10a and I had the rest of the day to myself. I wound up running errands and doing chores at home, but I watched a couple West Wing episodes and this, for me, is definitely a treat. I loved that show and there hasn't been a show on it since for me. There are a couple who come close, but they still lack something.

I finished The Hunger Games. I'll have an official review coming up, but needless to say, it was one of those books that I couldn't put down and needed to finish. It was that good.

In sports related news, the Dolphins won!! We beat the hated Jets. Which is my usual goal for the season. Beat the Jets and the Patriots. Well, one out of two isn't so bad.

I've been eating intuitively, or at least trying to. It's obviously working since I lost over a pound this week. Hopefully, this momentum will continue. I'm going to do it anyway. Time to get ready for work.

The Hunger Games by Suzanne Collins

2009-10-10T05:02:00.000-07:00

The FTC doesn't have to worry about me writing about books. This one I checked out of the library. And the other's I've done I've bought on my own.

For those of who don't know what I'm referring to, the short story is that the FTC apparently doesn't have enough to do so they decided to focus on book bloggers (bloggers in general actually) and that anytime a blogger reviews a book that they have to give full disclosure. OR something like that because in typical government form they are very ambiguous and not clear at all what their expectations are.

Anyway, I digress.

I started reading this book as part of the BOTNS DystopYA challenge. Well, I was sucked in from the first page. Ok, maybe the second page. By the time they were at the square and pulling names for The Hunger Games, I too was yelling, no, no. And wondering, could this really happen. I look forward to reading this over the weekend. I'll finish it by tomorrow probably.

Hope lives again

2009-10-09T03:10:00.001-07:00

Wow! President Obama won the Nobel Peace Prize. I'm sitting here in shock because I don't think anyone expected this. But this does touch my cynical heart. While I tell my children all the time that if they work hard enough, they can accomplish anything, truth be told, I don't really believe that. There are so many obstacles that are out of your control, that sometimes, it takes more than hard work. It takes luck. And money. Neither of which seem to be abundant in my life. I'm not whining about it, since I do have riches in other areas that matter. The way things are, it seems to me that there isn't much hope for them, even if they work hard.

President Obama has given me back that glimmer of hope, that yea, if you work hard, even coming from poverty, you can do anything. We don't live in poverty, but we do live paycheck to paycheck. And there isn't a lot of money for extras. Usually, this can bog me down. Seeing the President win the Nobel Prize, while he has so many detractors and so many critics makes me feel like you can persevere. The fact is, he came from nothing and look where his hard work has taken him. I have hope again, that the little boy in the bedroom across the hall can make his dreams come true. The little girl in the room next to his can as well. I can help them affect change. I believe this again. It's actually a nice feeling.

I can't wait until the kids wake up to tell them.

Best Missed Connection on Craigslist so far

2009-10-07T20:02:00.001-07:00

to the lady that i repoed her car - m4w - 23 (Hollywood)

Date: 2009-09-30, 1:22AM EDT

me= the repo man who took your car
you= the lady that came running outside as i was driving away in my black tow truck

you looked pretty cute and i know the sterio type repo men are white trash and nasty... but im dead sexy :D

what kind of car do (or did) you have? hit me up i might be able to help you get it back :D

OMFG! This is great! LMAO!!

Just Write (sung to lady gaga's just dance)

2009-10-07T17:56:00.001-07:00

That's what all the books about writing say. Read, then write. Then rinse and repeat apparently. So, that's what I'm doing. Actually, I'm going to enter a contest. The Washington Post is having a "pundit" contest in which you submit a short (no word count, ugh, torture) essay about a topic currently in the news. Then you write a brief bio paragraph. LMAO!! Since when am I brief. The winner gets a semi-regular column or space in the Post. I'm not sure if it's the paper or online version that they refer too, but either way, for me, the aspiring wanna-be writer, I figure it's worth a paragraph or two.

Except that I'm never sure if I can keep it at that length. Then of course, there's the matter of choosing the subject. Well, shit, I work in healthcare and that topic couldn't be more prevalent, right? Sure, you say, write about what you know. Except what if writing about what you know, could get you in trouble with the powers that be. Of course, it would really be more of an op-ed piece. Hah, or even an insider story. Ooh, which reminds me, I am considered an insider by the SEC, so I don't suppose that I could write what I know even if I wanted to, right? Or write. Or Just Write (again with the Lady Gaga Ear Worm). Speaking of Lady Gaga, did you guys see her the other night with Madonna. Yea, that skit wasn't the funniest, but I'll admit I did chuckle a couple of times.

I'm just about half way through with Await Your Reply. And it's due back at the library tomorrow. I don't think I can read half a book in one night. So I'll have to recheck it out again, and hope that I remember where I left off. Sadly, the finances do not foresee a trip to B&N or Borders this week. Or anytime soon. It's about to be the Holiday Season, and I've got to start planning and saving now. Otherwise, come December, the kids (really just Shy) will be in for a rude awakening. They'll think that Santa dissed them. Well, he should. That reminds me, did I ever tell you guys about the time that I really put coal under the tree for my eldest.

Wait, don't yell at me yet, hear me out. He was being such an ass. Spoiled rotton kid. Really, he was. Hell, he still is, only difference is he is a man now. Anyway, I warned him about a million and one times that Santa doesn't bring presents to little boys who disrespect their Mommy (he was like 8 at the time, Jon was 2 and Summer must have been 14 or so. Anyway, he started hyperventilating Christmas morning when he saw that there were no presents but rather a bag of charcoal. Sadists that we are, we started laughing, until I felt a slight twinge of guilt. Hey! He totally deserved it, and if I could, I'd give him coal again this year, but he's 18 and knows it's me now. Anyway, his presents were in the closet, the little shit, and we gave it to him. After he acknowledged that he was really sorry for being disrespectful. I don't think it lasted until the 26th.

Enough procrastinating, I'm off to clean up the dinner dishes and read a bit. I must be getting old because I've been falling asleep at 10pm-ish these days. 10p is the 11p.

Random musings that aren't worthy of their own post

2009-10-06T19:34:00.000-07:00

I'm over hearing about the Kanye/Beyone/Taylor incident. Really. Done. Get over it people.

I don't understand why the library lets you check out up to 40 books but doesn't let you renew if someone has a hold on it.

If it's on Twitter, it's not breaking news stop-the-presses worthy.

I am never going to finish "Await Your Reply" by Thursday. I'm about 1/2 way through. Sadly, I have to work.

Is it wrong that I chuckled when I heard Tom Delay had to bow out of Dancing With the Starts. Hah. I'm evil, I know.

I love Mad Men. It makes me miss smoking. Not enough to endure the ramifications of actually smoking. But enough that I wish that there weren't any ramifications.

The FTC really doesn't have anything better to do.

Even though I love Mad Men, West Wing is still my favorite show, ever.

When is it going to get a little cool down here. I mean, it is October. Today was a good day. I journaled everything. I now you were wondering. I may take a walk tomorrow. If it doesn't rain. And even if it does. I may channel Gene Kelly.

Acceptance of myself through others

2009-10-05T02:56:00.000-07:00

It's another week, and I'll start again today. Start changing my lifestyle, how I eat. Listen to my body and give it the fuel that it needs, not eat out of nervous energy to stuff my emotions. My mom said that to me yesterday, that as she observed me eating, it looked like nervous energy. It was good to hear that actually, because it put a visual to the feelings and emotions I go through. As I weighed in, I am up again. Two more pounds and I am not surprised. I'm also not freaking out about it. In actuality, I think I'm finally able to let this weight go. To release it the right way. It's been giving me the perspective of my life that I need. I've mentioned before how I feel that whenever I've been really thin that my priorities weren't in order. I think that they are in order for the first time in a very long time, years in fact.

It's really about the way you eat and how you live life. I said something to my daughter yesterday that my mom said that she really likes the way I said it to her. She, my daughter, had said she was finished with dinner and I said, are you satisfied? My 6 year old then says, what does that mean? And I answer, "not hungry." Did you get that?? Not hungry. That's what we need to eat to, not full. But satisfied, which means not hungry. And this was something that I really want her to learn. My mom said that she really liked the way that conversation went, because I am showing her, at a very young age, how to eat and how to feel about food. And that is, not feelings at all. It's fuel that we eat for energy. I need to remember this.

Of course, my daughter has been instrumental in my learning how to accept and love myself and not be so self critical. I love her unconditionally and the emotions are so strong for her. This is how I need to think of myself. I've realized that. I teach her and she makes mistakes but I don't think horrible things about her because of this. I don't, instead, I want to use those opportunities to teach her to grow and improve herself. Well, then, why can't I...no change that, why don't I treat myself that way. I'm not sure of the why, but what I do know is that I am and have been treating myself that way.

Wow, this was a long post, but one that I needed to get out. I look forward to each and every day as they are really gifts. Enjoy each moment.

In other random news, I'm going to start reading The Hunger Games by Suzanne Collins as part of a Dystopia YA challenge on Books on the Nightstand podcast and blog that I follow. (See my blogroll, they are there).

Sleepy Saturday

2009-10-03T19:26:00.000-07:00

I have to be up at the crack of dawn to take Shy to a gymnastics competition. I'm yawning, but continue reading Await Your Reply.

Had a fun day with the kids and my Mom, who is down visiting strictly to see Shy compete tomorrow. I'll be sure to update when I get home what her scores were. We hit the book stores today and I picked up Vincent Bugliosi's tome on the Kennedy Assassination. John's that is. This book is huge, but according to the flap summary and the TOC, it covers every aspect of the case and what is and isn't true. This is a book to keep. I'll read bits of it at a time, I'm sure, since it's so large.

Then Shy and I went to the library since our libraries are now closed on Sundays and we won't have an opportunity to go as was our routine. I guess Sat library visits are now going to be the norm. I got some vegetarian cookbooks and a chick lit book on Sex and the City that came in.

I've also heard murmuring that The Girl Who Kicked Hornets will be out in 2010. I hope so as I feel like The Girl Who Played With Fire left me hanging. I mean, who survives a bullet to the brain?? Well, I guess if it a bibi gun (which is what I'm going with) then I suppose it was possible.

In other completely random and unrelated news, I'm so excited that Brett Musberger is giving Randy Shannon props on ABC and the game, Hurricanes vs. Oklahoma. It looks like OK is going to score. Ugh, I've got to get to bed since I've got to be up so early.

Pop Psychology from General Hospital

2009-09-29T19:35:00.000-07:00

Right, so I can hear you now. "Oh God, don't tell me her blog post is going to be about GH." You have to listen to me go on and on about GH on a regular basis if you follow me on twitter or facebook. Seriously though. Yesterday, Dom/Dante (I don't know the actor's name off the top of my head) said something to Lulu (Julie Berman) that resonated with me. So much so that I mentioned it to my therapist today. And it was definitely something I needed to hear.

Let me set it up for those of you who don't watch this fabulous show (you really should check it out, ya, I know it's a soap, but it's really well done) I digress. Maxi and Spinelli just had their Non-Wedding and everyone was at Jake's (the local bar) at the reception. Lulu (Luke and Laura's daughter. Surely you know who Luke and Laura are. They are the stuff of legends) was talking to Dante/Dom about how great it was to see how happy Maxie and Spinelli were and how she is Maxie's best friend and is so happy for them, but wonders if it is possible for her. If she will ever find someone for her. This is something that I often wonder for myself. I'm always going back and forth as to whether there is someone out there for me. And usually I wind up thinking, why can't I find what they (generic happy couple) have. Lulu said the same thing to Dominic/Dante. "When is it going to be my turn. When will I have what they have?" And his response to her was something I need to remember.

"You won't ever have what they have. You'll have what you have."

It bears repeating, "you'll have what you have." And that is what we are supposed to have.

I need to remember this. I don't need what they have. I need what I need, what I have.

Rainy Days and Mondays

2009-09-28T12:27:00.001-07:00

Well, they don't always get me down. Especially since I don't have to work this particular Monday. Went to the grocery store and planned out some great, simple meals for the week. I'm feeling strong about being on plan. This has to come from within, and I'm finally at a place where it is. The changes within are finally manifesting themselves on the outside. No, I haven't lost weight yet, but I suppose you have to begin with day and pound one, right?

I'm making spaghetti and whole wheat pasta for the kids today. I'll have whole wheat pasta salad that I've made with tuna. Pictures to follow.

In other important news, Shy had her first gymnastics competition yesterday and she won second place in the balance beam. Whoo Hoo!! I was so proud of her. She medaled 9th overall.

Olympics 2020 here we come!

Banned Books Week

2009-09-27T18:29:00.001-07:00

Banned Books week began yesterday. I borrowed this from April's site

Banned Books Week Proclamation

WHEREAS, the freedom to read is essential to our democracy, and reading is among our greatest freedoms; and

WHEREAS, privacy is essential to the exercise of that freedom, and the right to privacy is the right to open inquiry without having the subject of one's interest examined or scrutinized by others; and

WHEREAS, the freedom to read is protected by our Constitution; and

WHEREAS some individuals, groups, and public authorities work to remove or limit access to reading materials, to censor content in schools, to label "controversial" views, to distribute lists of "objectionable" books or authors, and to purge libraries of materials reflecting the diversity of society; and

WHEREAS, both governmental intimidation and the fear of censorship cause authors who seek to avoid controversy to practice self-censorship, thus limiting our access to new ideas; and

WHEREAS, every silencing of a heresy, every enforcement of an orthodoxy, diminishes the toughness and resilience of American society and leaves it less able to deal with controversy and difference; and

WHEREAS, Americans still favor free enterprise in ideas and expression, and can be trusted to exercise critical judgment, to recognize propaganda and misinformation, and to make their own decisions about what they read and believe, and to exercise the responsibilities that accompany this freedom; and

WHEREAS, intellectual freedom is essential to the preservation of a free society and a creative culture; and

WHEREAS, conformity limits the range and variety of inquiry and expression on which our democracy and our culture depend; and

WHEREAS, the American Library Association's Banned Books Week: Celebrating the Freedom to Read is observed during the last week of September each year as a reminder to Americans not to take their precious freedom for granted; and

WHEREAS, Banned Books Week celebrates the freedom to choose or the freedom to express one's opinion even if that opinion might be considered unorthodox or unpopular and stresses the importance of ensuring the availability of those unorthodox or unpopular viewpoints to all who wish to read them; now, therefore, be it

RESOLVED, that the Good Books & Good Wine blog celebrates the American Library Association's Banned Books Week, September 26th through October 3rd, and be it further

RESOLVED, that the Good Books & Good Wine blog encourages all libraries and bookstores to acquire and make available materials representative of all the people in our society; and be it further

RESOLVED, that the Good Books & Good Wine blog encourages free people to read freely, now and forever.

2009-09-26T16:28:00.000-07:00

I just finished reading this book. It continues the story of Lisbeth Salander and Mikeal Blomkvist that I read in The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo. Both were excellent. However, there were time that I found myself shaking my head in disbelief. Salander felt as if she were all alone against the world, which is actually something Blomkvist says towards the end of the book. I thought this pages before he actually says it and I have to say I found her cynicism a bit much.

I also found the ending not satisfying at all. But perhaps, that is the point. Knowing thought that there is only one more book to come, I sincerely hope that the story gets wrapped up. Although, I can and will as I'm sure others will make up my own ending, ala the Sopranos.

In other unrelated new, I realize that the title of my blog doesn't relate anymore to what I write about. It should, and I feel guilty about it from time to time. Although, I went to buy clothes on yesterday and having had an unsuccessful outing (read nothing fit) I decided that I can't go on treating myself this way. I'm a good person, and I have a good soul. Who doesn't deserve to live the way I've been living. I guess I've finally accepted myself for who I am. I'm not a victim, I'm just me. And I don't want to eat like crap anymore. That's the way I've been eating and not at all what I meant when I titled this blog. So, I'm done with that. Truly.

I rode the bike for 30 min today.

Chore Day Saturday

2009-09-26T10:19:00.000-07:00

I'm actually almost done with the chores. I just have left the laundry. We will be returning some things to the library and then church later. Probably have a coffee and B&N afterwards. Yea, I know I don't need anymore books, but I like to go and have coffee and be around the books. THis is better than having and getting more books.

And then tomorrow is the big day!!! Shy has her first gymnastics competition. I can't wait. She's been practicing hard and is definitely ready. Pictures and videos to follow.

And I decided on reading The Graveyard Book. I'm about halfway through and I'm sure to finish it by tonight. It's really cute so far. Odd to say a book about ghosts and graveyards is cute, but well, there it is.

For some reason my bank's website keeps freezing up when I try to log on. Maybe they are trying to tell me something :)

oh yea, and Hurricane football at 3:30pm. Definitely will need to keep an eye on that. Have a great Sat everyone!

10 Book To Read Before You Die

2009-09-25T03:11:00.000-07:00

One of the blogs I follow, Bookalicious, posted about listing out the 10 books you must read before you die. Oh, my! I'm imagining that since I own over 400 books that I haven't read yet, that some of those books are there. Probably, but I'm sure that there are a few that aren't. And how in the world can you just pick 10? The majority of the ones that come straight to my mind are many of the classics. All the Jane Austen books that I haven't read. Democracy in America by Alexis DeTocqueville's and the biography of John Adams by David McCullough speak to the political junkie that I am. Those books help paint an important portrait of what our country was founded on. An important thing for me.

There is no way that I can limit the list to just 10.

Tell me your ten. Help fill my list.

Pick the next book I read

2009-09-24T20:24:00.000-07:00

I have so many to choose from. So I'm asking you to pick one for me. I'm wrapping up The Girl Who Played With Fire. I'm enjoying it, but it has me annoyed right now. I did that with the 1st book in this series as well. Am I supposed to believe that this chick has been abused sexually and mentally by every man in her life except Blomkvist?? Really?? I can't imagine that the majority of Swedish men are such complete pricks. Maybe it's just the one's that Lisbeth comes across that are douche's. Anyway, I'll reserve final judgement to when I finally finish it. Which should be sometime this weekend. Definitely by Saturday.

My next book is between the following:

The Graveyard Book by Neil Gaiman

Await Your Reply by Dan Chaon

I usually read more than one at a time, but these are library books that are due soon. I just can't decide which one to read first.

Thanks for your help.

Budget Cuts

2009-09-22T20:09:00.000-07:00

Hmmm, they can fun drug rehab for prisoners but library programs get cut. As do arts endowments. That just pisses me off.

Football

2009-09-22T03:10:00.000-07:00

I tried to stay up to watch my Dolphins last night as the game was tied going into the 4th quarter. I fell asleep of course, and found out this morning that I didn't miss anything. Well, yes, the game was great as it apparently came right down to the wire. But, since my team came out on the losing end I was glad I fell asleep. I had no desire to experience the "heartbreaking loss." Yea, I get enough heart break on my own, no need to add to the pile.

Today's is Tuesday. The day I dread the most. But, I'm leaving work early to take care of something so, it won't be too bad. Unless it is.

I realized the other day that I have over 400 unread books. WTF?? Really? I didn't realize I had that many. And as a friend pointed out, that's a book a day for over a year. Since I know I won't be reading a book a day, I realize I've probably have enough books to last me two years. And I know that there will be some books that I don't own that I want to read coming up. Like the stack of library books that I am looking at. That's it. No more books coming into the house. Unless they are classics that I will want to own. Otherwise, no more.

I've managed to abide by this rule with cookbooks, so I'm sure it won't be a problem with actual books.

I think I've hit a bad patch with this podcast that I listen to again. I've had this happen before, but usually in the past, I managed to glean some kind of truth from it and manage to find it useful. This is the first time that I've listened to more than two in a row and have been quite 'meh' about it. I'll listen to the rest, just because I'm anal that way, but I may fast forward through some of it it if continues this boring.

I'm more than half way through The Girl Who Played With Fire and I really like it. It isn't one of those books that I have to read and that keeps me up, but it's good. It's such a phenomenon that I almost feel guilty saying that. I'll read it and I'm enjoying it. I doubt it'll be a keeper though. Maybe I'll hold onto it until the third comes out next year so that when I give them away I'll give away the set. Oooh, or maybe I'll have some kind of freebee giveaway on here like I see other bloggers do. Let me know what you think about that?

Weight loss?? Proper eating and nutrition?? Am I supposed to discuss these things on here?? Suffice to say, I'm working on it.

*tap, tap, tap**

2009-09-20T12:25:00.001-07:00

Is this thing on??????

History repeats itself

2009-09-20T07:13:00.000-07:00

Doesn't it??

I'm watching a tribute to Peter, Paul, and Mary since the Mary of that trio passed away this week. For some reason, other than this, I've been bombarded with images of the 70's. I was just a little kid then, being born in '69. And my memories of course, are clouded, but I seem to remember the anti-war movement and the economy being in the shitter (I don't care Bernanke says, we are still there) I look at the people in these 70's clips and wonder if they felt the way we do. They must have, I remember the newscasts. I remember way the world was. I guess the biggest difference is back then it was just the Soviets that we had to be afraid of and now, well, it's not a nation state so much as the ever present "terrorism." The face of which is Osama. How about the asian nations ? Was it like this back then? Are my memories clouded by childhood? Or is it that I'm now an adult and of course it seems worse to me now.

My parents say it's worse now, but that at the time it felt just as bad? I suppose that these are rhetorical questions. Because if any of us had the answers we would be in D.C. and have a chance at the nomination of a Nobel Prize.

And I always go back to, I wonder how different this world would be if the person who won in 2000 was able to actually be the President.

The birthday party yesterday was awesome!! I see that Shy will definitely have to switch gyms when she gets older if she continues the path of gymnastics. One of that gyms girls made the Nationals in Texas this year. The only one in the entire South Florida area. I feel like Kim in Ms Saigon, "I'll give my life for you." Which I would, for this kid. For her to reach her dreams. Happily.

In food and weight loss, I lost 2.2 pounds his week. Yea me. I really didn't do anything except curb the nighttime eating. This is really quite motivating. To quote Rocky, "it's what you do when life smacks you done that matters. Not when or whether you get smacked. Keep moving forward." Ok, maybe that wasn't the exact quote but I think you get the idea.

I'm off to enjoy my Sunday.

Saturday, sleepy Saturday

2009-09-19T09:00:00.001-07:00

I fell asleep watching tv last night. Before 11p. Which is odd for me, but I guess I just needed the extra sleep. Unfortunately, my neck wasn't in the best position and now it is a little sore. I'm working it out though.

Today, we have chore morning and then a birthday party from 2p-4p. It's for Shy, but J has a birthday party to go to as well, so I'll drop him off and pick him up later. I'll go to the grocery store after the party and figure out my weekly meals.

I know it sounds boring, but I love being home and doing domestic things. By the end of the day, my house will have the fresh clean smell, the laundry will be done and food will have been prepared. It's slightly rainy so that will be a good time to watch a dvd or read. I think I'll watch Rocky Balboa for my Saturday movie night.

I went to the library yesterday and a lot of my books came in at once. I hate when that happens. But at least, hopefully, I can renew them. I've got The Book Thief, The Graveyard, a couple of books on writing, a book of poems by Elizabeth and Robert Browning, a book of poems by Langston Hughes, and John Adams by David McCullough. I know I'll want to own this book, but I wanted to start reading it. I also really, really, really want the HBO miniseries on DVD. Can someone please mention this to my mother?

It's my Friday Bitchez!!

2009-09-17T16:14:00.000-07:00

It's really Thursday, but since I don't have to go to work tomorrow it's my Friday. Yee Haw!! So what excitement do I have planned. hah! not too much, I'll tell you that. I'm going to play a stay at home mom and drop the kiddos off at school. Plan my meals for the week. Grocery shop. Head to a library book sale and then take Anthony to Cheesecake to apply for a job. I hope he gets it. He's been down lately. Then it's time to pick the kiddos up and head home.

I'm not sure what we will wind up doing after I get them from school, but I do know one thing. I am not cooking dinner. I'll have to figure that out later as well. I'll be sure to have to plan something fun with Shy.

The weekend has me taking the kids to birthday parties. Oh, yea, and I plan on exercising sometime this weekend. Soon. Really. I will.

Fantasy Island

2009-09-16T03:13:00.000-07:00

That must be the world that the Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke is living. The Recession is over??? Really?? Ya think? Not so much in my world buddy.

Don't get me wrong, I'm grateful and blessed to have the job I have and I haven't lost my job. But I know so many who have and the rising prices etc still eat up a lot of my income.

Well, I'm glad good ol' Ben thinks the recession is over. Maybe some should yell at him, "you lie".

I play the victim?? Really??

2009-09-16T03:05:00.001-07:00

According to Dr K, that's what I think of myself. Oh, it's something that's been perpetuated since childhood and apparently a source of my emotional eating. The ironic part here is that I can not stand, can. not. stand. people who play the victim. It's infuriating to me when people have the "poor me" attitude or lack accountability. Apparently, mine is deep rooted and obviously covered up by my swagger but it's there nonetheless.

So, what am I going to do about it.

Change my attitude. And work on forgiving myself. I know, if I'm honest about it, I do think at times, "I screwed up", "I won't find anyone so why bother", when I'm pretending that I don't care about relationships. I don't, but I see now, that it isn't for the right reasons. My children are the world to me, but that doesn't mean that I need to put myself on the back burner and not care about myself, because there can be a balance. I can take care of myself and take care of them at the same time.

I've also discovered that I have various facets of my personality. Well, don't we all?? And I don't mean Sybil like facets but I definitely don't feel like the victim. I know that there are times when I am a total hard ass. Also times where I'm a total mushpot. Is that a word?? It is now.

Anyway, I realize this is a lot to take in, hah, for you and for me. My homework this week, forgive myself for not doing/being what I imagined I would be. And for the life I don't have, but rather be grateful for the things I do have.

That and move my ass. Oops, I almost called myself a fat ass, none of that now. I have to be kind to myself. And my moving my butt, I'll accomplish that. Going running/walking today after work.

Saturday in the park

2009-09-12T06:20:00.000-07:00

If it doesn't rain again, that is.

Saturday morning is for chores though. Lots of boring chores. Then, I'm heading over to the big library sale with the kids. I get great book sales from our library that way. I'm a bookworm, as you may know, so this is a really cheap and easy way to pick up some great book deals. Plus the kids love to go to the library to get books and movies.

I'll take the girl to the park if it isn't raining although, I just remembered that she has an event at her gym tonight at 630p. I'll probably skip the park today then since we have to go to that.

I'll also head to the grocery store and plan out my meals for the week. I've got the tools I need to succeed, I just need to use them. Implement what's in my head into my day to day life. I'm not letting the number on the scale define me. For the first time ever. I'm also tired of feeling uncomfortable in my own skin, literally and figuratively. It's time to make that change. It's not an all or nothing thing with me. I realize that it's going to take time and that like a child who learns how to walk by taking little steps that I too will have to take little steps along this path that is my life. Rather than ask for help in dealing with the cravings and munchies, I don't want to have them at all. Is it mind over matter? At this point, I'm not sure. I just know that I've come to a place where I really want to be healthy. I'm not getting any younger and this body, imperfect as it is has served me well these 40 years. I'd like it to serve me a lot longer.

My children deserve one parent who will be able to keep up with them. That's me. I will be right there by their side. And by doing so, will teach them the way to eat, the way to live and the way to be happy with themselves.

In other related kid news, Shy can read. Really read. She read Green Eggs and Ham all by herself last night. Maybe she'll start a book review blog.

TGIF BITCHEZ doesn't seem right today

2009-09-11T03:19:00.000-07:00

Oh, I'm happy it's Friday, but on Sept 11th I have misgivings writing something like that as my status. This is the day 8 years that changed the course of our history. The changes have been subtle, and some not so subtle. I wonder however, what course we would have had if the winner of the 2000 Presidential election had actually been the President in 2001. Since we elected someone and the Supreme Court appointed someone else the world will never know. Reminds me of those old Tootsie Pop commercials with the owl. But that's the reality.

Instead, here we are 8 years later fighting a war that was supposed to be over in 6 weeks. Why? Well, I've recently learned that why is a very negative type question. We should be asking ourselves what do we want instead. And that is...

not what we have. I want to bring our boys home. I want the change that we voted for. I want the majority of Americans to think as I do. Sadly, that is not the case. Those of you who disagree with me probably don't think it's sad at all. Like I've always said, I am sure that we have more commonalities than differences and I would like to focus on that.

Let's hear it for long weekends

2009-09-05T04:38:00.000-07:00

Thankfully, I get Monday off. It's Saturday morning and as I drink my coffee I'm trying to decide what chores I should get cracking on. I've got to vacuum and do laundry. That, the laundry, will take me forever. But I've got to leave at 1130a to go to my ex-husband's baby's first birthday party. Yes, you read that right. My ex, the father of my sons, has another child with his wife. They invited us, the boys of course, but Shy as well. I'll go as it's at a water park and Shy will have a blast. I'm fortunate that I get along well with my ex so it makes it easy to do these sorts of things.

I finished that book by Francine Prose (ironic), Reading Like a Writer: a Guide for People Who Love Books and For Those Who Want To Write Them. It brought some new perspectives.

I'm going to finish The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo this today and start another book. I've about a million that I want to read, so I don't know which one is next. I keep going back and forth.

And yes, I'm starting again to eat right. It's not something I start and stop. So, let me rephrase that then. I'm going to make better food choices today than I did yesterday.

And the stupid teenagers messed up Shy's puzzle. Argh. There should be a public home where teens go to live so they don't drive us all crazy. They can be released when they are 21.

Third person Thursday

2009-09-03T19:16:00.001-07:00

I declared it Third Person Thursday, for fun. It's been a long week. My parents were here, and while I enjoy their company it throws off our routine. Since school just started, our routine was just getting set. And then it isn't. But they are leaving in the morning. They don't like to stay that long because it does get somewhat hectic and chaotic at my grandparents house. Hell, I don't want to be there half the time when I pick up the kids each day and that's only for 15 min. God bless them all, though, they really only mean well.

TGIF!! almost. Work was really quiet. The boss man was out of the office and the boss lady had a lot of meetings today. I barely spoke to anyone. I was able to read my book, well, one of the books I'm reading, "Reading Like a Writer" by Francine Prose. I've enjoyed reading and the excerpts from different books have added about 100 books to my TBR list. Seriously. She also breaks down the different aspects of writing, mostly fiction. From character development, to narration to gesture and dialogue. If you like to read and fancy writing a story or two, this book is for you. She gets you to understand how the various authors used vocabulary, paragraph placement for example, to move the story along. This is definitely one that I'll be re-reading again. I checked it out of the library but this one is definitely a book that I will be adding to my reference pile.

The other book I'm reading I have every intention of finishing this weekend. It's fabulous!!

Now we get to what the point of this blog is supposed to be about. The way I eat now. It isn't pretty. At all. BUT, the good news is that I'm like frickin Annie. Tomorrow, Tomorrow!!! I'll diet, tomorrow!! LOL! Ok, not really a diet, but eat the right way. Eat the way I should. Or I just won't eat at all. But I'll document it no matter what. That's my deal with you. Even if you don't want to know it all.

Oh yea. And the podcast that I said I was going to stop listening to because I wasn't getting anything out of it. Yea, I am still. I've come to realize that I don't want food to be my joy. It's only in mouth for like, what 10 min at the most? I want food to be my fuel, not my friend. This is huge. I've been using food as my joy and I need to substitute that with some real joy. Whether it's cultivating friendships, my children or just my own mind, it's got nothing to do with food. I'll be listening to the podcast again tomorrow morning, as I ride the bike.

I'm off to read my book and go to bed. As my favorite literary heroine would say, "Tomorrow is another day."

I'm not sure this podcast helps

2009-08-31T03:01:00.000-07:00

I've been listening to this podcast, Inside Out Weight Loss, and there are some positives that I get from it, but half the time I have to wade through 15 min or so to get the 10 min or just one thought that actually helps.

But, I haven't lost, I haven't done anything to lose. If anything, I've slowly gained some. And yet, every morning I listen to this thing. I guess there are some truths to be found and I do get a point from it. But then I go about my day and forget about it for the most part.

There have been many techniques and internal workings that I have worked on and yet, I must use the food as some sort of coping technique because I keep doing it. How long will I? I obviously know that this isn't going to do anything for me, if anything it's like playing Russian roulette. How long before the health starts to deteriorate? And instead of looking back at all the wasted time, I know I should look forward and embrace today, so I will. I was going to write about how difficult it is, but if I write it then I lend that thought validity. And I don't want to do that as I do believe that what we believe can play a part in our reality.

I really want to set a positive example for my children. They will do what I do, not what I say. I know this.

So, like a child, like a little baby learning how to walk, I stumble. I fall. But I will keep getting back up. Because, just like that baby, eventually, I will be able to take more than a couple of steps at a time. That is what this journey is.

Weekend!!

2009-08-29T05:09:00.000-07:00

The week ended just fine. I had a decent day at work, and the she-devil wasn't too bad today. Have I told you about the she-devil? Well, she's going to be our new CFO and can definitely be demanding. To the extent of where I get in trouble for not having foresight for events and duties that aren't within my realm of responsibility. Yesterday was a good day. I didn't have to use my clairvoyant powers.

I went to bed really early last night. My Friday night date with Bill (Maher that is) will have to occur over the weekend I suppose. I know I'm not the only single gal who does this. I've embraced my reclusiveness as you know. But I was so tired, being the first week of school and all, I wound up falling asleep at like 930p or so while I was watching Lewis Black. He is one of my favorites.

My parents are on their way down and will be here this week. I'm going to get chores done around the house this morning before they get here so I can relax guilt free the rest of the weekend. I think my aunt and uncle are going to come down as well.

Food wise, I'm happy to announce that I didn't (because I went to bed) snack last night. I had to have an important conversation with my son, J. He's been doing great and is down 12 pounds. I'm very proud of him. Yesterday he bought his lunch at school, and I told him that he could. He also, as he told me later, bought a small ice cream. And then he proceeded to tell me that he felt "guilty" while he ate it and afterward. WHAT!! NO!! I screamed inside. The last thing in the world I want is for my children to endure the struggles internally with food that I have. My mission has to be for them to be normal. I've always focused on my daughter that I guess I never realized that it could happen to a boy as well.

I told J, that he shouldn't have felt guilty that he needed to realize that we need food to live. And that's it. There are no emotions involved. I asked what else he ate and he ate really healthy the next meal and prior to that meal. I explained that is the way it's normally done. Do not feel guilty, since you didn't do anything wrong.

He said he understood. I really hope so. It just makes me realize that the little eyes are watching me. Reinforces the fact that I need to model my behavior the way I want them to be, not just talk it. I need to walk it. Well, I suppose that is something I knew all along. I'll do this for them.

Sad Day

2009-08-26T03:56:00.000-07:00

Sen Teddy Kennedy passed away. He was one of the first politician's that I took notice of as a child. My thoughts are jumbled and I don't have time to sort them out here as I have to get the kids ready for school. Needless to say, it'll be one of those days.

I'm sure I'll have more to say later, when I get settled.

The First Day of School

2009-08-24T16:57:00.000-07:00

They were ready for the first day of school.

Of course, my son J, didn't want to take a picture, much less with his glasses so he took them off so I could snap this before we left for school this morning. They both enjoy school so it wasn't too big of a deal for them to have to go back. My eldest, always made a big deal about it. This was the first year that he didn't have to go. His adorable girlfriend did though and he had a picture similar to this one. Adorable.

In other random news, I've discovered that I am not the queen of run on sentences. Long sentences, yes, but run on sentences, no. This is due to my proper usage of punctuation. Contrary to what some people like to think, my grammar isn't all that horrible. Or perhaps it's just getting better. Either way.

I'm off to watch a little West Wing. My date with Josh Lyman awaits.

Sunday night

2009-08-23T20:14:00.000-07:00

Ready to go to bed. The kids start school tomorrow. I was falling asleep earlier and now I'm here writing instead of hitting the sheets.

The kids are ready. I've got the lunch packed and they are all set with clothes and supplies. Shy wants to wear her hair straight, so I will get up a little early and let her do this.

My laundry is still on my bed. The folded stuff is put away, but I have to hang up clothes. I'm going to go and do that and then it the sack.

Books, books and what are you reading?

2009-08-23T07:12:00.000-07:00

This is how I spent my day yesterday. Well, part yesterday and part on Friday. I went to a big library sale and I found a lot of books that I wanted. I think I need to put a moratorium on book buying until I at least read 5 books or so. The problem is that they are so cheap. $1 for the hardcovers and $.50 for the paperbacks.

I'm loving my book collection. Obviously, as you can see by the soccer ball, I have no shelves to put them on. I need to go to Ikea I think to get some shelves so I can get them off of the floor.

I'm currently reading The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo by Steig Larsson. I've heard so many good things about this book and it's gotten great reviews. I'll be sure to do a review if you are so interested.

2009-08-23T06:55:00.000-07:00

I weighed in today and amazingly I lost a pound. I've been much more mindful this past week than I have in a long time and while I know I haven't been perfect so I'll accept the loss. I had a great day with my daughter yesterday. Took her to get her hair done as she starts school on Monday. We also went to the library and hung out there for awhile. We both enjoy it and it is a very cost effective way to spend time.

Breakfast this morning was really easy and yummy. Yes, I said yummy, deal with it.

Coffee in my most favorite coffee mug and my breakfast was fat free vanilla yogurt w/a drizzle of honey and some fresh strawberries and half a banana. I also topped it with half a larabar, pecan pie flavored. This clocks in at 300 calories and I was very satisfied with it. I feel so much better when I pay attention to my satisfaction levels so I'm not sure why I don't do it more often. Oh you know, like all the time, like normal people do.

My plans today include getting J's backpack for school. I also want to watch that Melissa chick, the winner of the Next Food TV Star, or whatever the title is.

Lunch is going to be a frittata that includes cleaning out my refrigerator. J lost another 2 pounds. He's down to 10 pounds in like a month or so. I am so proud of him. He's managed to do it without complaint. I suppose the threat of multiple needle sticks should he develop diabetes helped.

Also have been watching Studio 60. It lasted maybe one and a half seasons on tv. I call it smart tv which is why it went over Joe Q Public's head. Well, hopefully Aaron Sorkin will come up with a new show soon. He did this one as well as West Wing, possibly the best show ever. My favorite that's for sure.

I'm off to do laundry. Surely you don't come here for the exciting life I lead but rather, I'm sure the scintillating prose. LOL!!

My notes

2009-08-22T04:59:00.001-07:00

Day 5 August 21, 2009

Limiting Beliefs can inhibit the way we live our life. Beliefs are something we believe in spite of the lack of conclusive evidence. Our belief in God for example. These are things we “can’t” do and they hold us back. They often have a self-fulfilling prophecy about themselves.

Change the belief to success because success begets success.

One limiting belief is that weight loss is hard. No, it doesn’t have to be. Maybe it has been that way but that doesn’t mean that we can’t change it to where it is easy. Eventually we think like naturally thin people and it will become that way. This doesn’t mean that we don’t have to work and invest the time but that doesn’t mean that it is difficult. There have been times where I’ve had to do work, not difficult work but work nonetheless. And we can make it fun. We are going to eat anyway, so why not make it fun and enjoy this journey.

Inner conflict is what makes it hard. The body is holdoing onto the weight for some reason. There is something inside of me that won’t let it go. Inner alignment can make it easy and fun. There is a positive aspect to every action. We do the things that we do in an attempt to enjoy ourselves and for pleasure. Eventually, all actions can be boiled down to trying to get something positive for ourselves. Substituting another non food behavior for this will find me releasing the weight. I’m sure of it.

Ask the following the question to determine WHAT your limiting beliefs are:

Is this goal desirable? Is it worthwhile?

Is this goal worth the effort that it will take to obtain it? Of course, sitting at my laptop it’s easy for me to say that it is. It’s when I’m about to make the wrong choice that I forget how much it means to me.

Is it possible for others?

Of course it is. I’ve seen many people lose and keep it off. They have made the necessary lifestyle choices to make the changes permanent.

Is it possible for me?

Of course it is. I’ve been at goal before. I’ve also been at a healthy weight and have exercised regularly. So I know I can do it. It’s just a matter of making it a routine yet again.

Is what it takes to achieve this goal appropriate and reasonable?

Will I do what it takes? Believe that this is too hard? No, it really isn’t. If I imagine that eating 1300 calories a day is enough (and it really is if I make the right choices) then I need to be happy. Believe it.

Do you deserve it? Well, this is the kicker isn’t it? If you don’t feel like you are worth anything then how can you justify allowing yourself to get healthy, or living a good lifestyle. The pressure to continue to be successful proves to be too much sometimes and then you fail. Self sabotage.

If you tell yourself that this is going to take forever, or that it will never happen, then this is what you believe. This is what you will have happen then.

Learned helplessness is also another limiting belief. Like the elephant tied with a chain. He doesn’t believe he can get free, and so he doesn’t. Just like me and stopping eating at night. I don’t believe that I can do that. That I have these habits that I always do and therefore can’t change, and therefore they don’t change.

Genetics are only about 20% the reason why we are overweight. I can control the other 80%.

I am 40 and this makes it harder to lose weight. I am ONLY 40. I have a lot of life to live and I don’t want to waste time with this struggle for the next 40 years. I need to be grateful for the struggle and learn and use the positive aspects of it. Enjoy the journey, but know that I can control some aspects of it. My eating at night and my fat rolls have been coping tools for me. Once I find other coping tools I can and will release the weight.

Three steps to changing limiting beliefs

Identify the belief (above questions)

Question the belief. As I did above as well. One thing to keep in mind is that I must be satisfied with what is while I reach for what can be.

I deserve a treat statement. Well, what’s that treat going to do for you? If it is going to keep you fat (yes, I say the fat word) then is it a treat?? Is it going to be in the terms of keeping you fat and therefore making it harder on your knees. That isn’t much of a treat.

Third step…change the belief. Identify the new belief. Visualize yourself in the new you. Being naturally thin is easier than carrying around those extra 25-30 pounds now isn’t it. Losing weight isn’t hard, being this weight is hard. State your intent and your new belief in the positive.

Try on the new you for size. Imagine you as you want to be. Eventually it will become your reality.

The importance of checking the NI

2009-08-20T11:51:00.000-07:00

BEFORE YOU EAT YOUR MEAL!!!!!

I made what I thought was about a 450 calorie choice for lunch and it turned out to be a 663 calorie choice. Which means it's going to be a salad dinner for me. Ugh, actually no, it won't, I'll eat a regular dinner, but honestly, who knew a simple sandwich could be that many calories. Crystal...are you paying attention!!!!! That was WAY too many calories for a sandwich. Not that either one of us had an inkling of the high caloric value, but the gooey melty cheese that runneth over the sides should have been my first clue.

I'm not letting a little mistake, yes, that was a mistake, trip me up. I'm going to continue in my positive mindset and trudge on this path with a pep in my step because this is something that is forever. I will take this experience and learn from it. Uh, look up the NI moron. Yep, that's my lesson learned from today.

I also bought 'Tis by Frank McCourt, who recently passed away. You may be more familiar with his original memoir, Angela's Ashes, which was on the NY Times bestseller list for more than a year. I want to say it was closer to two years. In any event, I just listened to a replay of an interview he did on NPR back in '97 when the book was initially published. Hearing him speak in that Irish brogue of his made me want to read the other two books he wrote, 'Tis and Teacher man. I read Angela's Ashes back in '98 and was mesmerized by the poverty and the description of his childhood. This man overcame so much. I saw 'Tis at Borders for $4.99 so I bought that along with the MLA guide to Writing Research Papers. I figured that Jonathon could begin using this as he is sure to have to write some papers eventually this year. It will be good practice for him so that when he is required to use this style it will be second nature to him.

Came home to quiet. J is with his dad and Ant and Drea took her brother and Shy out to the pool. I'm going to get to cleaning while I have an empty apartment.

Day 4, Wednesday Aug 19

2009-08-19T17:43:00.000-07:00

My plan for last night self destructed. I had a humongous chunk of cookies n cream ice cream cake that was leftover from Anthony’s birthday party. AND 2 cups of rice w/lentils for dinner. And a leftover pork chop. WTH?? I don’t eat meat, so I don’t know why I have been this week.

This morning on my drive into work, I was listening to a podcast, fat2fitradio.com, that I follow and they had a listener write in about how getting Type II diabetes impacted him. With details about the symptoms etc. Well, diabetes runs in my family, in a big way. And his early, early clues and indicators are things that sound familiar. So, Jesus, I realize, this isn't about fitting into my fucking pants or being the cutest thing in shoe leather. I totally do not want to have to deal with all of this bullshit. I've been really lucky with my health and I'm at normal levels with everything, but if I continue going the way I am going, I'm bound to develop this. Well, I'm having oatmeal for breakfast w/half a banana instead of my usual bagel. I’m satisfied with my breakfast, I realize after I eat it, that I don’t need a full banana.

If the 12 year old can do it, then so can I. Plus, last night, he says, "mommy, I'll help you if you want?" How cute is he?

1230p—In assessing my hunger, I realize I’m just getting hungry. Times to start getting the tuna drained (in water) and construct my salad. I think I need to buy some cute dishes to keep at work so that my pictures aren’t of Tupperware.1p Ate lunch until satisfied. ½ the can did just fine for me along with the salad. Lunch was chopped romaine, ½ can of albacore tuna, 10g of cranraisins, 10g of toasted, slivered almonds, 10 sprays of balsamic vinaigrette, ½ of a diced pink lady apple. I ate the other half as dessert. This suited me fine.

2p—Hunger assessment: not hungry at all. Drank 40 oz of water so far today. Treating myself to my first diet coke.

3:30p – thought I was getting hungry, but not really. May have half that banana left over at 4p

415p—ate my pineapple and banana. very yum and hit the spot quite nicely. Pineapple has more calories that I originally thought, but that’s not a problem. Since I’ve been tuning into my body and eating intuitively today. Well, I suppose I’m not TRULY eating intuitively since I’m counting the calories. But, you know what I mean. My tea however, was very watered down. Boo.

7p—WOO HOO!!! I did not have a snack at Nanny’s. I even picked up a tostone and I put it back. This is a huge victory for me.

715p—I had dinner and I ate too much, but I counted everything and I am still just under my calorie count. Which means, I am having a snack later, should I want one. Right now (841p) I don’t. I’m still full from dinner.

I have a date tonight with Dylan McDermott so I’ll see you guys later.

About to get really personal

2009-08-19T03:43:00.000-07:00

My blog that is. I need the accountability that writing about my horrible eating habits will give me. I know I've come a long way, and I feel a lot better about myself. I'm not purging anymore which is a good thing. The bad thing is I'm still bingeing. BUT, I don't feel like it's true bingeing. Shit, who am I kidding. It is. Totally. Thus the weight gain.

But perhaps if I write about it honestly, I'll be less likely to do it. If I know I'm going to chronicle every detail, I'll stop and think about what I'm doing before I do it. It's human nature, isn't it?

In my session yesterday with Dr. K we did come to some conclusions and realizations about my night time eating. First, there is no structure once I leave work and walk into Nanny's house. It's a basic free for all. So, I definitely need to add some structure to that so that I can try and avoid that. Second, and this is so Freudian and cliche I'm embarrassed to write it, but apparently it does come down to childhood and your parents. At least in my case this is what it seems to be.

I've had to hide my eating from my parents in my childhood because I would get in trouble. They would actually yell at me for eating after dinner. I'm sure they had legitimate reasons, but what I got out of it was, you are a fatty and should not be eating. So I would have to do it in my room in hiding. Well, now, it's almost as if I'm doing it because I can. I'm the adult and can do what I want regardless of what other people's thoughts are. I know I have had this thought run through my mind with other things in my life, so it makes total sense that I would have it when it comes to this issue as well.

The other thing that had me thinking was that I'm no spring chicken. Keep staying overweight or losing and gaining the same 15 pounds and I'm going to eventually, and sooner rather than later, start having health issues. Well, that should be a more pressing reason for motivation to get my ass in gear. But you know what motivates me more. Not having a damn thing to wear. This is my motivation. Good or bad.

Last Chance Saloon by Mariane Keyes

2009-08-18T04:13:00.000-07:00

I'm glad, glad, I'm not going out with you anymore. You made me completely bloody miserable the whole goddamn time. You're a total sadist and I've met a lovely man at work, and he thinksh I'm fantashtic and I jusht want you to know that you needn't worry about me because I'm fine. Just fine. Got that? Fine. F.I.N.N. Never been happier, actual---" Beeep, as she went over the message time.

Tuesday Teaser

2009-08-18T04:05:00.000-07:00

I got this idea from another blog from Lori's Reading Corner and thought it was a good idea.

Here's the drill:

1. Grab your current read.

2. Let it fall open naturally to a random page.

3. Share a two teaser sentence from that page, anywhere between line 7 or line 12

4. List the name of the book your teaser came from so that people can get it to read if they so desire.

5. No Spoilers! Avoid them.

Keeping my fingers crossed

2009-08-17T04:00:00.000-07:00

Well, Hurricane Season has begun. For those of you who don't live in Hurricane alley you don't and aren't thinking about it. But for those of us who do, yea, we try to avoid the thought of it. For those of us who experienced Hurricane Andrew all those years ago, we have no choice but to pay attention. Or those of my friends who live in the Carolina's, they too have to pay attention to the weather this time of year. (wow, that sentence is poorly constructed)

And as I'm watching Diane Sawyer, does she sound like she WANTS a big hurricane. Shit, I can't stand the media sometimes. Tag line underneath, "BREAKING NEWS, Hurricane Bill on the way" Uh, not yet it isn't. They don't know what it's going to do yet, it's too far out. Unfortunately and fortunately, these things can change in a matter of hours days. Let's hope that it stays out to sea.

Still not eating right. Not going to go into it much more than that, because there is nothing to tell. I.eat.like.shit. And I need to correct that.

Last but not least, today is my son's 18th birthday. I can't believe I'm the mom of an 18 year old. I have an adult child. Although, I have no misconception that he is going to magically begin acting like an adult and be responsible. Not at all.

Sunday Brunch

2009-08-16T04:23:00.000-07:00

Why do we always have brunch on sunday? The collective we, not a specific we. It seems to me that people in general are more apt to have brunch on Sunday more so than any other day. Maybe because some of us go to church first thing, and then get out at a late breakfast/early lunch time? Or maybe because some of us like to lounge around reading the paper, drinking coffee and watching Charles Kuralt. Except that Google just told me that he died like ten years ago?? Wow, how did I miss that? They must play re-runs. Or am I thinking of some other middle aged balding journalist that is on on Sunday mornings?? Enough of that tangent.

My Saturday was relatively uneventful except for the constant torrid of rain. Although, I did get to go to the Produce Market in WPB by my aunt's house while Derek's iPod finished downloading. He graduates from some elite military training thing and we are all so proud of him. He is going to finish college and then go in as an Officer's Candidate. We (specific now) are all so proud of him. Anyway, this market is called Boy's Market. And they have a lot of great produce for mostly decent prices. Some things aren't always, but for the most part, it's definitely a great deal. I got a lot of veggies/fruit for this week, so be on the lookout for some food and meal pic's.

I'm constantly amazed by the number of elderly people who can fit within that square foot radius that they call Delray Beach.

Today I'm having brunch w/Nikki (my high school chum) on Las Olas. It's been awhile since we have gotten together so I'm looking forward to seeing her. I had not seen her respond text and I almost made plans to go to the South Beach Farmer's Market today. I wasn't sure what day I was going to do Derek's iPod so I had tentative plans for today as well. Thankfully, I got it all finished yesterday.

My eldest has a girlfriend. A very sweet girl.

So you are wondering where is the food in my blog???? I'll take pictures today. I'm going to re-start yet again today after getting on the scale and finding myself a full ten pounds up from what I was in March and a full 15 pounds more than I was when I ran the half marathon in February. I'm having coffee today and will have an egg white veggie omelet for brunch. I'll have a snack at around 3p of fruit, crackers w/hummus and then dinner tonight is going to be marinara and whole wheat pasta skillet dish. Side of broccoli and a salad.

TGIF BITCHEZ!!!!!

2009-08-14T04:10:00.001-07:00

I'm very happy it's Friday. But that has more to do with the fact that it's payday more so than I now will have two days off. Although, that is a most definite plus.

This is going to be the shortest post in my blog history because I'm already running late and need to get ready for work. I've got absolutely nothing to do at work as all four of the people that I provide support for are out of the office. Oh, I'll have several phone calls and random clerical shit to do I'm sure, but for the most part I intend on reading and planning my menu for the week as well as what I'll be doing over the weekend.

Mad Men premiere's on Sunday. I've yet to watch the second season so I will be setting the DVR to watch that at a later date. Hopefully I can get Season 2 viewed before the second episode of Season 3. I'm also currently reading three books. Still reading Neuromancer, Last Chance Saloon, and The Portable Writer's Conference. All three totally different. I hope to finish them this weekend as well.

I might take pictures of food today. I'm totally winging it as I don't have a plan. Oh shit, and I have to find my camera.

Two more people died this week in the news. Eunice Kennedy Shriver and Les Paul. I' thinking that 2009 is the year of Death.

Something Fun and Random

2009-08-12T03:49:00.001-07:00

I subscribe to a lot of blogs. A lot of them have to do with books and reading. This one, had an idea of the Random Reading Challenge or something like that. Anyway, you position yourself in a section of the library (or bookstore if you have $$ to spend) and have random directions for yourself, like 3rd row, 2nd shelf, 28th book from the left and then you pick that book and read it. Then write a review.

When I go to the library this weekend this is what I am going to do. Sounds like fun. Since my library has all it's fiction together who knows what I'm liable to get.

In other book related news, I really need a bookshelf.

Pseudonyms

2009-08-11T19:22:00.000-07:00

I'm going to get all Andy Rooney on you now. Do you wonder why people write under psudonyms and then use their real number with it? I imagine, or hope, that it was because they were originally published under the pseudonym and then became famous with their real name and the original works were re-released with both names attached.

I started thinking about this when I saw a Nora Roberts book, being written under the name of JD Robb. It's a series and not a romantic one, so I assumed that she wanted to, well, she didn't want, um, yea, I can't quite figure it out. So the only thing I'm coming up with is she wrote those first and then the romantic stuff. However, I think I'm wrong about that.

I'm also sure this has been answered in some interview somewhere on the web. I'm just too lazy to google it.

I wanted to stay up tonight and have a Mad Men marathon since the third season starts next week but I'm getting quite drowsy. I'm sure once I pick up my book, I'll be out within minutes. Not that the book I'm reading isn't good, it really is. I just always fall asleep when I'm reading in bed. I suppose I'll have to DVR the first episode since I am relatively sure I won't be finished with Season 2 by then.

In other unrelated matters, I had to turn in the BMW back to my boss. My car is fixed and his family comes back tonight, so he needed the extra car back. *sigh* One of these days I'll have a luxury gas guzzler and I"ll have so much money I won't care how much I'm paying in gas or what it is doing to the environment. I figure if I'm rich enough to not give a shit about that then I'll definitely be philanthropic in other areas! Like only shopping at Whole Foods.

Ah, nothing even good on tv to fall asleep to. Off to read about London yuppies who drink too much and work too hard. Gotta love a good chick lit book.

Back to work

2009-08-10T03:55:00.001-07:00

After being off for a week and pretty much doing nothing but shopping with my mom, it's back to work for me. Blah.

I suppose I should be thankful to have a job to go to, and I am. I particularly like my job and the people I work with, so I should be doubly thankful. And I am. I still would rather not work. Or at least not be tied to having to work. But then I suppose, who wouldn't??

The bright side of having to go into work is the uninterrupted reading time at lunch. Always looking to find a positive point to everything.

What am I eating today?? I've not been following any program. Or even eating intuitively. Mondays are notorious for starting over and far be it from me to try and buck that trend. I'll be counting points again my friends. In an attempt to stop the cycle. If I just cut out the snacking I'm relatively certain that I would drop at least 5 pounds. Let's go with that.

Again.

And again.

Until I get it right.

Finally finished Mansfield Park. Boy, that Aunt Norris is a piece of work. I would have told her off about a million times and most of Jane Austen's heroines would have as well. But Fanny was definitely a meeker and subdued character than her normal ones. It did wrap up rather quickly which was slightly surprising to me, but I enjoyed the book nonetheless. It was more difficult to get into than her other books.

Now, I'm reading Neuromancer by William Gibson, which is a sci-fi classic from the 80's along with The Last Chance Saloon by Marian Keyes which is a chick lit book from England (or Ireland as the case may be). Both are really good if not totally different. I pick each one up depending on my mood. I'll bring Neuromancer to work with me today. I'm further along in that one than I am the other.

I did go book shopping again this weekend. I can't help it. I have so many books now, but when I see them so cheap, I have to pick them up, especially if the title's are on my TBR list.

Ugh, time to get ready for work. Maybe I'll post pictures of my food later. If it's blogworthy that is.

Best Laugh I've had all week

2009-08-06T16:27:00.000-07:00

I've been off this week. Hanging out with my mom who is down from Tally and shopping and getting the kids ready for school. There are still three weeks before it starts, ok, almost two now, but it's better to have it all done and be ready for it, don't you think.

Anyway, I'm at my grandmother's this afternoon and she tells me about the ham she made yesterday. She often forgets I don't eat meat, so she is asking me if I think it's good. She made it yesterday. I say well, of course, and then she proceeds to tell me how she didn't realize that it had two plastic coverings and the second one was air compressed on the ham. Nanny, I say, did you cook it with the plastic wrap on it. Yes, she says, it was wrapped so tight I thought it was the skin. My mother then chimes in with the, I was wondering why it wouldn't absorb the basting sauce. WTF?? Really?? Did it taste good? I ask. Well, my mother says, it was a little dry.

LMFAO!!!! My aunt and I just cracked up laughing. LOFL!! Gotta love Nanny.

Writing on the rise

2009-08-04T02:58:00.000-07:00

I just read a blog, BookNinja, that spoke of creative writing programs being offered on the rise. And one person commented that of course, with all the people blogging it shouldn't be a surprise that so many people are interested in writing and expressing their thoughts in written form.

But is it? I mean, do all those people taking creative writing courses really want to be published or it is another means to an end. I mean, there are about a million jobs in which expressively yourself in a written format is important. Look at the advent of email. So many people use email as an informal means of communication rather than picking up the phone. Therefore, making your writing skills more important. Or not, as the case may be with some people that I work with.

Then of course, there are all the people who blog and write that DON'T take a writing course for any number of reasons. They just seem to read a lot.

This just in, the ex bf is no longer on my friends list on FB.

Answering machines should be mandatory for businesses

2009-08-02T12:16:00.000-07:00

So, I went to run errands, er, check out a used book store on the east side of town. One of only two in the county. I tried calling beforehand but got no answer. No, this wasn't a repeat of where I showed up at the address only to find that the economy had taken it as a prisoner of war. Rather, this particular indie shop is closed on Sundays. Isn't it a requirement for a business license to have an answering machine at a minimum to indicate what your hours are. Apparently in North East Ft. Lauderdale this is not the case.

Not wanting my trek eastward to have been in vain I took US1 to the two story and rather large B&N to check it out. I don't have a two story one close to me and I wonder if it's the same size or is it just my imagination because it's two stories. Either way, it was a pleasant way to spend a couple of hours. My daughter loves books, so of course after getting my mandatory Skinny latte from the SB counter I went upstairs to the children's section. Once Shy had her pick, I went down to peruse the bargain sections. I found this...

in hardcover no less, for a whopping $6.98

I bought it as I've heard nothing but good things about this book. AND my library has it classified under the YA section so I'm wondering if my 12 y/o would like to read it when I do and we can discuss. Either way, a bargain I couldn't resist. It did mean, though that I would have to yet again delay my purchase of The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, a book that I've been dying to read. Regardless of the stacks and stacks I have at home, once I get this book, I'm dropping everything.

Now, back to Japan and Neuromancer.

Oatmeal is the new garbage dump

2009-08-02T05:43:00.000-07:00

This has to be said. I've noticed a trend lately. I can remember the days of when you would add in a banana and a handful of walnuts into your oatmeal and call it a day. Or some raisins. Or an apple and some apple spice. Lately, however it seems that it is common and trendy to add in at least 5 different add ins to your oats and eat it that way.

Maybe it's because people don't like the taste of the oats and are trying to find ways to defeat the purpose. I don't know, call me crazy but adding in the caloric equivalent of toppings to your oatmeal seems counterproductive to me. I mean, when I want to eat oatmeal I want the oatmeal. The other things are nice as embellishments but when they become equal to the amount of oatmeal then can you really call it oatmeal. I suppose it can be compared to coffee where is it really coffee anymore if your adding in way more stuff than the coffee itself.

And what the fuck is the deal with chia seeds???????? Who eats that?

In other random yet related news, green monster drinks. I must have missed the CNN newsflash where grinding up your vegetables and mixing them with milk is the way to go now.

I long for the simple days.

Lazy Sunday Morning

2009-08-02T05:32:00.000-07:00

Catching up on reading my blogs. The dog, not the kid, woke me this morning. Geez, well I suppose it's better than her having an accident. I totally need to give her a bath today. Folding laundry and doing that are the only chore related items on my agenda today.

I've become torn between the two books I'm reading. I'm about half way through Mansfield Park and the uncle has just returned from a year long, actually plural years, to Antigua. He appears to be the only one in the entire lot, with the exception of Edmund, that treats Fanny as if she is truly family rather than a glorified servant. It's been pissing me off that she is so mild and meek, but I suppose that is what Austen is going for.

Neuromancer I just started last night and it's not been particularly easy to read. Gibson has some made up words that I've never heard so I've been using my 4th grade "context clues" skills to determine what it is he is trying to convey. Of course, he did invent the word "cyberspace" so you would have thought that some of these others would have taken off as well. No, they really didn't. The story is, however, interesting and since I actually have a deadline with an event scheduled, Aug 19th, I suppose that I will go ahead and try to finish this book first. I'll be sure to let you know how I like it since it's my first adult foray into science fiction.

I haven't eaten anything yet today, but I did weigh in as I want to go ahead and start actually following Weight Watchers. Again. I've been maintaining the weight I am now for quite some time and have determined that if my 12 y/o can manage to stay on plan then WTF am I waiting for. Seriously. I am just enjoying coffee right now. Breakfast will be a bowl of cereal. I'm keeping to my budget by not buying items until I'm completely out of them. Which means no breakfast food until I run out of the cereal, oatmeal and eggs that I have. I'm a relatively boring breakfast eater. Pictures to follow.

I won't be doing much today but going to the grocery store and hanging out at home. By choice. Oh, I may take the little one to the pool or the park.

Books, books, and more books

2009-08-01T16:45:00.000-07:00

I joined a book club via meetup.com which seems like it isn't your typical book club. In an attempt to get out more I decided that I wanted to do so in a way that was stimulating intellectually and since I love to read why not?

Anyway, the book I'm supposed to be reading is a science fiction book of all things. Not exactly my cup of tea, and I'm not going to lie, I like to read fluff every once and awhile. But, so far this book seems very interesting. It's Neuromancer by William Gibson. It was published in 1984 and is a futuristic look at something, I'm not sure what.

But I love the opening sequence where the main character walks into a bar and the bartender is the ugliest human alive or something to that effect. Hah!! I have been switching back and forth between this and Mansfield Park. Two totally and completely different books. From 19th century England to 22nd century or so Japan. Hmm. It's going to be an interesting Saturday night that's for sure.

I'm also going to find a way to squeeze in an episode or two of Mad Men.

Another weekend

2009-08-01T05:48:00.000-07:00

It's another wonderful weekend. Wonderful because I get to spend two days doing exactly what I want. Well, with the exception of chores. But other than those, I'm doing fun things with the kiddos.

Last night was movie night and we watched "Marley & Me." I really enjoyed that movie. I've become a dog person owning my little Sedona so of course I cried at the end. But we really did enjoy it.

Sat is chore day. Well morning anyway because todays chores are just dusting and laundry. I break out the chores day to day so that I never have to spend more than an hour or two doing chores. Laundry doesn't count. I can read/watch tv between loads.

I think we'll go to the pool if the weather holds out and the library of course.

My car was towed to my mechanic yesterday since the AC went out in it. I'm hoping that it isn't too much $$. In the meantime, my wonderful boss has let me borrow one of his cars. The BMW SUV. How fun to drive. The kids particularly like the dvd player in it.

Someone said to me on FB yesterday, how come I've been so quiet and I realized that being quite online means perhaps that you are living life offline. Which in this circumstance is a good thing. I've discovered I have reclusive tendencies and I'm totally ok with that. As I age I'm enjoying time alone more and more.

Off to dust those bunnies.

Two Nights Graze Free

2009-07-29T03:39:00.000-07:00

That's what I'm calling it anyway. Since I did have snacks, BUT they were planned snacks and therefore authorized. I'm still working on the *why* I have such a dysfunctional relationship with food, and while I've had a lot of insight lately, this is still ever elusive. It can be any number of things but since it's been going on as far back as I can remember I'm sure it's some kind of Freudian parental thing. I've not always done it, but rather do so in spurts. Or I suppose I should say the times I've not done it have been in spurts, because, if I'm honest about it I've done it more than I haven't. But that's another post.

For this week, I've NOT done it two nights in a row. Which feels absolutely fantastic. I embraced my hunger yesterday as well thinking to myself that hunger is a good thing as it's telling me I'm eating properly. It isn't an emergency and I'll get to eat when I get home.

My recluse lifestyle continues. Which suits me perfectly at this time in my life. I finally feel like I'm getting it together.

As August approaches I have some things to look forward to. My mom is coming to visit, my dad will also be here. I'll probably make a trip to Orlando for the weekend to see my sister and my friend from DC is coming down. All in all a lot to look forward to.

Today's docket isn't especially interesting considering that I kept thinking yesterday was Wednesday. Ugh, this just means that this week is one week longer than I realized. Whatever, it's no big deal other than the fact that I'm at work one more day. Before vaca. Or rather, staycation. I'll imagine we'll do some shopping but I also plan on getting in some fun "tourist" stuff for the kids.

I've got some thought provoking topics that I want to write some posts about but I'm not sure that the name of my blog is correct if I'm going to start doing that, you know?

Just Another Manic Monday

2009-07-27T03:44:00.000-07:00

Yesterday morning after getting back from Wal-Mart with Jonathon's laptop we spent a very lazy Sunday morning doing nothing. Jonathon played with his new laptop and was very excited about it.

Shyanne, as you can see, isn't happy not being the center of attention. She also isn't the, "let's laze around and do nothing" type, but I was able to appease her with reading a book or two to her. I think we read an Eric Carle book. He is one of her favorite authors. I love it that my six year old has several favorite authors, that she can name. I love books and reading so much and it seems that the boys only love to read from the computer. Although they will pick up a book a time or two it seems that they just always find other things to do. Shyanne however, wants to be mini me, so there are many times that we are both sitting around with books in our laps.

I made a quick lunch before we headed out. This was some leftover chili that I had, a mix of spring greens and some cucumber. I topped it off with the shredded monteray jack and a couple of spoonfuls of this wonderfully fresh salsa I had left from my farmer's market treck last week.

Even the cat was super lazy this Sunday. I made a stop at Goodwill to drop off some stuff and wanted to go into the Goodwill store only to find that it wasn't there anymore. What the heck happened?? Well, there went one errand, so off I went to the library to drop off some books and pick some more up. Shyanne wound up with a lot more books than I and we rented Marley & Me. Jonathon had read that book and I thought for sure he would want to see the movie but he doesn't. He explained it this way, "when you read a book, you feel what you are reading. And yes it's sad, but it's in your mind. When you watch a movie, you actually see what is happening and so you feel it and see it and that makes it much sadder." Wise words from a 12 year old.

Dinner was easy. Bubble Up Pizza Casserole with some broccoli thrown in. The kids loved it. I used TVP in lieu of the ground beef. And reduced fat biscuits. You can find the recipe on Heather's site.

I ended my Sunday in typical fashion, watching Entourage. It's my Sunday night ritual. That and the Next Food Network Star show. After all day reading Jane Austen, my mind needed a little rest.

Mondays aren't that bad for me, as I have discussed previously. Right now I'm drinking coffee and then I've got to get ready for work. The kids and I have eye Dr. appointments this afternoon and then I get to come home rather than going back to work. I've marked out a pilates routine to do and a stability ball routine to do as my exercise for the day. Let's see if I get it done. I think there's some kind of self-deprecating joke in the offing here, but I'm only one cup of coffee in so I can't quite come up with it. Anything I say will sound lame.

In other completely related news. Weigh in is tomorrow. Just another reason to thoroughly hate Tuesdays.

Early Sunday

2009-07-26T03:34:00.000-07:00

The dog doesn't realize it's Sunday and her barking was my alarm clock this morning. She wanted to go out and since she didn't do all of her business last night, I knew that she had to go. So I stumbled out of bed and took her. She rewarded me by promptly doing her thing. I'm up early this morning as I'm headed to Wal-Mart at 8am. They have a Compaq laptap on sale for $300 and I definitely want to see if I can snatch one up for the younger two kiddos. It'll mainly be my middle son's but I know that my daughter will want to use it as well.

I know that the name of this is "It's the Way I Eat Now" but to be truthful there hasn't been anything to report there. I haven't been eating the way I should. I am still snacking way too much at night. It's a binge to me, but it isn't an all out crazy kind of binge. Hah, even when I am out of control I try to have control. I've been thinking of changing the name to accurately reflect what it is that I'm talking about here.

I do need coffee, desperately. I stayed up watching the last two episodes of Nurse Jackie on Showtime and the last Weeds episode. Nurse Jackie is such a funny show. I love it. Edie Falco does an amazing job and really shows her acting skills as this character is so different than Carmela Soprano. Which I also watched the end of Season 4 this weekend. Today, after Walmart I plan on watching some Mad Med, Season 2. I'm also going to make some headway in Mansfield Park and decide on another book to read after that one. It'll be a light hearted chick lit one I'm sure.

the Green drink frenzy

2009-07-25T12:12:00.000-07:00

I follow several blogs and have quite a few friends who are foodies and I have to say I'm quite perplexed by the Greens Phenomenon that seems to be overtake the blog-o-sphere. When I was dating the last boyfriend, he drank greens on a daily basis. But he was, and is for all I know, searching for the fountain of youth. I tried it once, or three times. And wanted to immediately projectile vomit whatever hadn't been digested yet.

Oh.my.god. That stuff is wicked gross. So, I don't know why or how others get it down. I mean, I suppose, I know why, it's got lots of great stuff in it. Call me crazy, I'd rather cook and eat my greens than drink them with milk et al.

This is my personal opinion and in no way reflects that of current management.

I've disappeared for a week

2009-07-25T07:07:00.000-07:00

I've been out the last week and haven't written but not because there hasn't been stuff to tell, but rather because I've been so busy that I've not wanted to rattle off some half-assed post.

Last weekend was my book splurge weekend. I found lots and lots of book on sale at the various library sales and my used book store.

So, when Shyanne wanted to go to the pool, I grabbed a book and went. Wow, I hadn't realized how it is has been during the day since I'm inside the majority of the day. Being outside really wilted my energy. That sun is so hot. Sunday was errand day.

During the week, I found out that Jonathon has extremely high blood sugar, borderline diabetic and if he doesn't get his eating habits, and therefore his weight, under control, he will be one very soon. My 12 year old son therefore, has a prescription to join weight watchers. The Dr. said it is the most sound plan out there and really teaches the right way to eat. Well, duh, I know this. I figure if my Jon can do this, there really is no excuse for me, right?

Well, except I have now started hiding what I eat. Ok, the oldest busted me the other night. Jon comes home tonight and I'm really going to jump on this with him. I can do anything if it's for my kids.

I've got nothing exciting going on this weekend other than dinner tonight with a friend and our kids. We'll need to pick someplace cheap because I've only got about $95 in my weekend budget and I need to get groceries with that. Fortunately, I only need about $40 worth of stuff so I should be ok.

I'll tell you, I've had to really stick to my budget.

I've also had some really great insight into what I want to do when I grow up and it involves taking a negative event and turning it into positive action on my part. More to come on that.

Dating wise, I have no prospects and have come to a place where I really don't want any. This in and of itself is shocking, but I really don't even go out and about anymore nor do I want to. Not even when I am out doing mundane things do I even think about meeting anyone. I'm at a really good place in my life and I don't want or need anything different.

It isn't all about me

2009-07-18T07:33:00.000-07:00

I've come to the conclusion that the things I've gone through in my life aren't and don't necessarily have to be something that I need to learn for my life. Perhaps the things I 've learned and the experiences I've had are to ensure that my children are successful and relatively functional. I haven't always made the best decisions, shocking I know, when it comes to spending time or being maternal. BUT, I always want the best for them and I've come to realize that it's time the gauntlet gets passed.

I will not make the mistakes of my parents and I will play an active, integral role in my children's lives. If that's what my life is about then I'm ok with that. Would I like to have a relationship and someone to share my life with. Sure, but I'm thinking that perhaps that is not supposed to come to fruition until I'm done with the main purpose of my life and that's to get my kids to adulthood and have them be successful. It's gratification that I'm willing to delay.

I had a pastry for breakfast. I know, not the best choice, but it was there. And that with coffee went down smoothly. I'm off to the library sale and then to some used bookstores and consignment stores. Afterwards lunch with my princess and perhaps a stop at Walmart for some toiletries. I'll be sure to take pic's of lunch.

What are some good books you've read lately?

I think I might be addicted to books

2009-07-17T16:05:00.000-07:00

The situation with my schooling has me in a very sad and depressed state this morning. I keep trying to look for positives in this. And I do have some options, they just aren’t what I wanted to do long term. I’ll go to Broward College on Monday to figure out my options, but I’m leaning towards completing the Legal Assistant program. It’s not law school, but it’s something.

It’s amazing to me how they can get away with something that is illegal and unethical. And me, the small man on the totem pole has to be David to their Goliath. I feel like Don Quixote at times. Wow, two literary analogies in one paragraph. I must work on that. Perhaps I’m looking at this the wrong way. This enables me to concentrate on what I really want to do and that is write.

My breakfast today was a replay of yesterday minus the eggs and spinach

Well, the good news is our VP of HR is willing to write a letter to Keiser along with my CFO stating that they did indeed prepay my classes. The Dr Evil Incarnate has said that he would be willing to re-consider his decision if they did this.

I had a great lunch. The company more so that the food. Went to Moe’s and I had the vegetarian quesadilla. I DI NOT EAT THE TORTILLA CHIPS!!!!! This was huge, because I started to mindlessly nibble on them as I was talking with my friend and caught myself after like two. Then we went to Border’s because I needed to get Mansfield Park for my Face-Book club. I got that and this:

I paid $20 for the whole lot of them, so how could I resist. Dr. K may have something to say about it, but still. It’s better than eating the tortilla chips. A couple of them are just books that look to be in the genre that I enjoy. One of them is a book about NASCAR and I’ve wanted to read it for quite some time now. The other, The Family Fortune has on the cover, “a radiant re-telling of Jane Austen’s Persuasion. How in the world could I resist that when it only cost me $3. Besides, I cleared out a shopping bag full of books from my shelves. So, I do have the room. I also resisted getting the Girl with the Dragon Tattoo. I have wanted to read that book for some time now and two people while I was paying was telling me HOW good that book is. Oy. Maybe my used book store will have it. They sell the books for ½ off the list price. If not, I’ll wait until Border’s gets a 40% coupon. Ooh, but I did just find it on Amazon for $8. Free shipping if I spend $25 or more. I shall deliberate over the weekend. Actually, I’ll see if I can find it for cheaper and if so, then I will get it, if not then sold to Amazon. Er, purchased from. Never mind the auctioneer metaphor doesn’t really fit here.

OMG!!! I just looked up the NI for my quesadilla. Thank fricken God I only ate of that. How the hell was that thing 600 calories. Are you fucking kidding me?????

*****PSA ALERT***** Look up the NI BEFORE you order and eat you r lunch.

I’ll be having celery and carrots sticks for dinner thank you very much to Moe the Bastard.

Right after I have this for a snack.

I couldn't resist. This was made by one of my coworkers who makes the best chocolate chip cookies in the world. So I had one.

volumetrics Rita-style

2009-07-16T15:55:00.000-07:00

I’m going to make an effort to eat unprocessed foods. And in the spirit of this I have a completely different breakfast than yesterday. I had a bagel and coffee yesterday. I know that this doesn’t satisfy me, and yet, I’m still drawn to the yeasty chewy baked good. I add a little butter spritz and some sugar free orange marmalade. I enjoy it, but if I’m honest with myself, it totally doesn’t really satisfy me after I’ve finished it and it definitely doesn’t hold me until lunch time. That breakfast clocks in at 400 calories (including the creamer in my coffee).

My breakfast today as you can see is significantly higher in volume. It also clocks in and 400 calories. UNBELIEVABLE that the calorie counts are the same. Look at the significant amount of food I’m eating. AND it’s mostly unprocessed with the exception of the Ezekiel cereal which is a whole grain and relatively unprocessed cereal choice. Plus, I’m not using it as the crux of my meal but rather as a condiment. The spinach and eggs are a way to get in protein and a veggie for 80 calories. I may be out of control at night, but I’m going to do everything I can to be in control during the day. Speaking of control, I was satisfied after the eggs and yogurt, so the banana will be relegated to the snack pile if I would like one later. Now, I want to pay attention to when I get hungry again. This is a crucial observation and stepping stone for me. Next time I will ask myself, yea, this bagel is good, but do I want to be hungry again in an hour. The bagel isn’t bad, it just isn’t a great choice for me. There will be days and times where I choose it, but I’ll be armed with the knowledge that I’m going to get hungry again and can plan accordingly.

It’ll be a relatively quiet and slow day at work since the bosses are in back to back meetings literally all day. I don’t actually enjoy it when my day is slow as it tends to drag on and on. A slow and quiet day also amplifies the not-so-dulcet tones of my neighbor. Apparently, she missed the memo on how to use your inside voice in an office setting. Perhaps there is a seminar out there for this. For those of you who know me IRL, I know you are sitting there thinking, Hello Pot, kettle much?? But truly, at work, I’ve focused on speaking in a low tone as I don’t want the world to know my business. That’s what this blog is for.

I’m also midway through the summer and have yet to consistently wake at 5a and go for a walk. Hell, I’ve yet to consistently do anything other than clean, read and spend time with the kiddos. Not that those are bad things to be consistent on, I’ve just got to get moving in the morning. I did decide that I’m definitely going to listen to those two podcasts I talked about in the morning. Which means that my early morning exercise is either going to be a walk for an hour or a bike ride for an hour. Either are great choices. If I can just get myself out of bed and out the door.

Something else that came to me the other day, Ex BF did me a tremendous favor by breaking up. Honestly, I was, as I usually do, putting myself on the backburner for the sake of the relationship, not that anyone was asking me to, I just do this and I don’t want to be that person anymore. I got myself in motion and am awaiting notification if my transcripts situation is going to be cleared up. I should know by tomorrow. If so, then I’m going to be eligible to register for school in Aug. HUZZAH!!! I know I still have a long road, but so what. This time is going to pass anyway.

So, I’ve come up with a new game plan. Rather than constantly butting my head against the wall of not snacking at night while I’m watching tv, I’m going to try and live within my patterns and use them for positive gain. If I’m struggling and fighting eating at night, then let’s delay dinner until then. I’ll delay my snack at work until 430p. I never eat a big, heavy dinner so rather than eating immediately upon getting home, I’m going to settle in and exercise, ride bike etc. Spend time with the kids. And when I sit down to watch tv at 830-9p then I’ll eat dinner. I realize that many “experts” will be uber-critical of this strategy but I don’t really give a rat’s ass. This is my journey. If I can take what is and has been a negative behavior and somehow switch it so that it becomes positive (eating with my caloric limits) then that’s what I’ll do. I’ve never been conventional so why start now.

I’m really excited to try this out as I’ve been monitoring and analyzing my behavior patterns and actually using that to make improvements and find solutions feels very productive and positive to me.

Double Dipping a bad idea

2009-07-14T03:51:00.000-07:00

For chips and dip

for bikini waxing

this was on the news today. They did a segment about the "dangers" of bikini waxing.

Tales from the scale. I'm up again. I took a picture of myself in my skivvies and am really determined to do this. It was mentioned to me yesterday that maybe I'm ok with myself at this weight. I think what's happened is that I'm ok with me. Whether I'm this weight or not. I'm ok with who I am. Finally, for the first time in 40 years. This doesn't make me happy about my weight though, this just means that I don't hate myself because of it.

It's Tuesday. Which means I get to start again. It's going to be a good week, I can feel it. I've got a low key day planned, work and I've planned out my meals for the day. I'll do the 30 Day Shred when I get home. Breakfast is cereal w/fruit. I seriously cannot wait until I finish this cereal. I know that it doesn't fill me up but I'm trying to spend as little as possible at the grocery store. I spent $77 this past weekend and it was mostly stuff for the kids, and Anthony for the week. Lunch is leftover Shrimp Feta over Brown Rice Stix. I love these things. They are like 50 calories per serving. And it's a significant serving too. Super easy to make and cook. I found them in the rice/grain aisle at Whole Foods. I'll take a picture next time as I'll be headed to Whole Foods this weekend.

Dinner is going to be rice and red beans congri. I'll have to figure out something to go along with it, but I have some veggie burgers that I can along with it on a thin. Ooh, I also have roasted corn and tomato salad which was really, really good. This was easy, diced a fresh tomato, roasted a couple of ears of corn on the grill. Mix together and spritz w/some balsamic vinaigrette.

I've also stayed true to my no book purchases until I've read 5. That 5 doesn't include the books that I've borrowed from April. However, I'm almost done with Steve Harvey's Act Like a Lady, Think like a Man so that brings me to 3. Two more and I can justify the books I bought the other weekend. It was a book purchase loan. LOL

I guess I should post the shrimp recipe but I've got to get ready for work. I'll do it tonight. Have a great day everyone.

You're Poking me? Seriously?

2009-07-13T04:07:00.000-07:00

I haven't heard from Ex BF in a week. And then he pokes me on FB? Really. Now, I know you are probably wondering why I don't delete him from my friends list. I'm sure there's a multitude of reasons that Dr K will uncover over the next few sessions. I've thought about it, but I'm nosy. Although, I'm finding I care less and less.

And then the idiot sends me a poke.

Clueless. It isn't just for Alician Silverstone and blondes anymore.

Procrastination

2009-07-13T03:38:00.000-07:00

I'm the world's biggest procrastinator. Especially when it comes to things I just don't want to do. I roll it around in my mind and make it much bigger than what it is. Take for example cleaning the cat box. If I just DO IT it literally take 5-6 minutes. I know because I timed it. But I think about doing it for days and days. wasting a lot of mental energy, much more so than necessary. Same thing with emptying the dishwasher and putting the dishes away. Literally took 5 minutes, but I debated doing it for much longer than that.

I've read the Fly Lady website and love her idea of 15 min. Set a timer and do anything for 15 min. Using this and NOT procrastinating I was able to complete the Saturday chores by 9am.

Quite a random topic for a blog that's supposed to be about my struggles with weight. But, it does have relevance. Because I procrastinate losing weight for reasons mentioned in previous blogs. Just do it and I'd be done. With the losing part anyway. I realize that this is a lifelong journey and changing my habits is a more about changing my lifestyle than it is about the number on the scale. But either way, I'm procrastinating. When I pitter around and waste more time thinking about it and reading about it. I hate to quote Nike, but I think they got it right when they said, Just Do It.

In other random news, my word of the day is ineffectual.

Sunday Restful Sunday

2009-07-12T05:53:00.000-07:00

Positive Intent

Even negative behavior has a positive intent behind it. So if the two forces within ourselves, the “I’m going to exercise and be fit and healthy and thin” persona and the “but this food is a comfort and I deserve a break” are at constant odds, find out what the positive intent is behind the persona that is keeping me fat. That has me under exercise and not eat properly. What is that positive intent? What could I be benefiting from, even if I don’t realize it.

For me, at least this is what I came up with was that its keeping me a better mom. I have absolutely no desire to go out and do anything adult related when I’m at this weight. And eating and staying home are ways to ensure that I spend time with my children. I see how my 17 year old was and is so resentful of the time I was doing single stuff when he was 12-14 and I don’t want the same issues with my middle child. Maybe I’m afraid that if I lose this weight and get thin again the call to go out and have fun will be too much to resist and I’ll just repeat the same pattern with my middle child. So maybe in a subconscious way I’m self sabotaging so I can be a better mother.

I’ll have to figure out a way to substitute this behavior. So maybe I’ll include him on my exercise jaunts, since he needs to lose weight as well. I’ll also institute Jon and me time so that he can get one on one with me.

I’ve managed to finish all of my chores, except the daily load of laundry. So, I’ll have this entire Sunday to rest and relax. I’ve got an almost empty checking account since payday isn’t until Wednesday, so it’ll be a low spend kind of Sunday. I’ll spend some time with the kids, go to the pool or play a little tennis later. I’ve also got some meals to prepare for the upcoming week. Shrimp and feta is on the menu as is a grilled corn and tomato salad. I made vegetable soup yesterday and have wheatberries on hand to toss into my oatmeal, yogurt and soup. I’ve also GOT to make smoothies, I have SO much frozen food in the freezer.

I got up and walked 60 min today. Which is really nothing, but it’s what I felt like doing. So, I did it. While listening to a podcast, Fat2FitRadio, one of the things that they mentioned when it comes to self sabotage was that it was because we felt that we didn’t deserve to be thin. Since Lois is the Queen of beating me up, I imagine that I’ve got some of that going on internally as well.

Lots to think about. I’m off to have coffee., and I’m not yet hungry for breakfast.

Chore Day Saturday

2009-07-11T05:27:00.000-07:00

I got up and ran, well walked/ran today and it felt good to do. I also kind of forced myself to eat breakfast because by 930a I still wasn’t hungry but I didn’t want to let this throw my “schedule” off AND I know that you are supposed to eat breakfast.

I had cereal that I’m trying to finish up because I’m not just trying to eat healthy and normally, but I’m also trying to do it on a budget. Breakfast is going to be the box of cereal that I have until it’s finished. I only had a half of a gallon of milk left and my kids can go through that in a day so I didn’t want to use it, but I did notice that I had some blueberries that I had defrosted as well as a vanilla ff yogurt and that was breakfast along with my coffee. This week I’ve been using espresso in my regular coffee maker. It was on sale and it makes a really tasty coffee. The flavors are strong and there’s depth to it but it isn’t too strong or bitter which has been the case for me for some of the stronger finer grinds, especially starbucks.

I’ve already cleaned both baths, vacuumed and finished the laundry. This means I get to relax the rest of the weekend. Whoo Hoooo

I’ve been listening to this podcast as I walk/run called Inside Out Weight Loss and I find that it’s been great therapy for me. She focuses on the internal, the mental and the emotional aspect of why we are overweight and how we can overcome ourselves to become the person we want to be. I agree with most of what she says except I need and want to be ok with me and who I am regardless of the number on the scale.

In any event, many of her lessons are quite relevant and I’ve been doing the exercises that she prescribes. Today it was seeing and stepping into the person that you want to be. And trying to reconcile the fact that you won’t and can’t eat donuts and sit on the coach and become that person. Those things just don’t work hand in hand together. In addition to this visualization exercise today she wanted us to try to feel in our center WHY we haven’t become this person. Because if we wanted to be that person with all of our being then we would be that person. Obviously, there is something within me that is holding me back. That was the homework, to try and determine WHAT holds us back. It’s in there, in our center, not our foot or hand. She literally recommends that we feel what part of our body is holding us back and identifying that emotion that emanates from that body part. It can’t be a hand or foot because our emotions come from our center. AND if we think its our hand or foot, this, according to her theory, shows us how disconnected we are with our emotions and we need to really think about what it is that holds us back. Is it fear? Is it as simple as that we want to have a party in our mouth and don’t want to give that up? Or do we overeat for some emotional reason? Comfort, sadness or anger? Or is it that we are just wired by our mom, grandmother etc that food equals acceptance.

I’ve found so far that I’ve got a combination going on inside of me. I definitely don’t eat when I’m sad, I’ve discovered that much. I’ve also discovered some other patterns. I’d like to work on the resolving of these issues at some time and enough with the discovery process..

One other thing that she mentioned was that there are people who believe that if we didn’t have this particular problem, we would just have a different problem, because people always have issues, right? I don’t know about that, I just know that I’ve become more accepting of who I am. And yes, there is always going to be something, but it doesn’t mean that it’s a crisis.

I’ve brought up a lot of questions, I’d love to hear what your thoughts are for you on these.

Wacky Wednesday

2009-07-08T15:49:00.001-07:00

Ok, it wasn't. But I couldn't think of anything witty and clever to write. My breakfast. It was pretty good, but I discovered that yet again, cereal does not fill me up. However, I think I may have discovered (ok, discovered for me) one of the best flavor combinations ever to pass by my taste buds. Blueberry and banana. Wow, it was seriously a party in my mouth. The banana looked spotted but it was ok inside. Hope my grandfather went and bought some more though, because I'm sure that by tomorrow they will be too brown to eat. I don't like them all that ripe.

I've started checking my hunger on the hour and I wasn't hungry until 1130. Which was crazy since I ate breakfast at 9a. Seriously, cereal, while I like it, does not keep me satisfied. BUT, I have a whole box of it at home and I refuse to eat anything else for breakfast until I finish it.

At 12:15, yes, somehow I managed to hold off until then I had the plate below. It's Day 5 of month end and that is when the department orders lunch in. It was from Panera so I had the salad below as well as a piece of their bread. I love their bread, so I couldn't resist. I counted it.

I also had a piece of quiche that was camera shy. It was crustless and I had a bunch of veggies in it.

I was hungry at 3p and I got busy at work so before you knew it it was 4pm. Yea!! I managed to make it to snack time. I know I've said that I'm going to eat when hungry and stop when I'm full but I really really think my hunger meter is not working properly so I really make myself wait until a minimum of three hours. Four is preferable, however, I'll take what I can get. This is Day three of me being OP. Yea, imagine that. So my snack was yogurt w/blueberries

this was so good. I had a cracker too when I went to pick up the kids. Which is ok.

I just rode the bike for 3 minutes. Now I'm off to eat dinner, whole wheat pasta w/broccoli and a ricotta sauce w/grilled tilapia.

I'll leave you with this. I was reading a magazine at lunch and there was a study done that shows that women who binge drink have a greater risk of getting an STD. Are you fucking kidding me? They could have paid me to conduct that study and I could have told them that. This wins the Captain Obvious statement of the day. And here's another clue, it isn't the extra alcohol that gives the an STD, it's the drunk sex that they have with random people they pick up in a bar. THAT's what puts them at a greater risk. DOH!

The Halls of Justice

2009-07-07T10:42:00.000-07:00

They are awful quiet. I got up and the butt crack of dawn as I had to serve on Jury Duty today. Considering I haven't been called in ten years, I suppose I shouldn't complain. However, 730a is awful early to be downtown when I live on the eastern edge of the Everglades.

Needless to say, the little ones stayed at Nanny's so I wouldn't have to fuss with them in the early morning light. I got myself to courthouse on time, I know this must shock those of you who know me. But there area few things that I will be on time for. My job, well, duh, because they pay me and I have rather become attached to electricity and having a roof over my head. And anything having to do with the legal system. I have respect for this system of ours, no matter how flawed it is and no matter how crooked some people are, I still will always have respect for the process, our country and all that this entails.

So, this means doing my civic duty and not trying to shirk it whenever possible. A bowl of cereal at the ungodly hour of 630am was my breakfast, with some soy milk and coffee. Not my regular dose of coffee either which means, I was yawning by 10am. I also was hungry by then, but since I had no cash on me I couldn't buy anything from the cafeteria. They dismissed us for lunch at like 1120a and I went across the street to this cute little organic cage. It's run by two Russian women and a really high strung man. The Russians ladies paid him no attention though as they made my hummus and feta sandwich on panini bread with tomatoes, onions, romaine lettuce, spinach, cucumbers and carrots. This served with home made potato chips. Which were really homemade, peeled right here in this little place. Of course, I had them all.

Oh, and how could I have forgotten. I'm down another pound. That makes three weeks in a row. When I'm doing nothing other than some intermittent exercise and eating when hungry and stopping when not. Some, ok, ok, a lot of the things I am eating aren't exactly on the top ten superfood list, and to be honest I've gone occasionally past the satisfied marker. But I'm still losing. This gives me yet more motivation to keep on keeping on. That and I'd like to have hot sex with a certain someone but won't until I feel a little better about myself. Oh, don't get me wrong, and save me the "he should like you the way you are" speech, because I don't give a shit about what he thinks. I want to swing from chandeliers and the only way I can do that is if I feel better about my body.

Yes, I realize that I'm doing it backwards and doing it for the wrong reasons, as my therapist sagely pointed out yesterday, but whatever. I'm working on what I can do. And this is something I can do. So I will.

Did I mention I ran yesterday? I thoroughly enjoyed it as well. I always forget how running just to run makes me feel. Like it doesn't matter what my time is, how how many miles I go. It's just so mind soothing to get out there and go.

What do you like to do that clears you mind and centers you?

Monday don't suck for me

2009-07-06T20:23:00.000-07:00

Well, my laptop is back to normal, THANK GOD. No, I wasn't able to get my pictures back or my documents that I lost, but it's back to working and I was able to get all my music back, which is good. I know, know, know I am going to have a gain tomorrow. I ate so much over this past week that I'm sure it'll go up. But that's not going to get me down.

I had a great session today, I'll go into it in more depth tomorrow but the bottom line is I've been able to identify some patterns. I'm still doing things for the wrong reason, but she loved the idea of the 15 minute time out. I went and ran 3 miles today here's the biggest thing...I stayed on plan ("OP") all day today. It's the first day that I've been OP all day in a very long while. I feel so good about this! You have no idea.

I've got to get to bed because I have jury duty tomorrow and I have to be at the court house at 730a and the traffic, even at that time is bound to be horrible. So I'm going to bed now, but I'll be sure to bring the camera tomorrow as well as the laptop. Hopefully I'll be able to blog from the courthouse.

Computer Problems

2009-07-04T04:50:00.000-07:00

My hard drive crashed on Tuesday and I lost all of my pictures. I have them a lot of them on my Facebook but, the resolution isn't close to the originals. I've had it repaired but I think that they didn't install the proper RAM as I had 1G and I think they only put in 512. Thus my running really slow on yahoo and other sites. Ugh. I go back tomorrow so hopefully it'll be fixed.

I've not been eating to any plan other than eating when I'm hungry and stopping when I'm not. I just have all I can handle trying to work on my emotional state and not allow myself to fall into a state of depression. Not that I am or that I am close to that. But I've been struggling a little lately.

I found out that the ex-DBF had dated someone else while we were dating. I asked and he honestly answered. I don't know why I let this bother me, and honestly, I knew that this was the case, but still. And the funny thing, he wants his cake and to eat it too. It's up to me whether I allow it or not. I won't. I can't. That would make me crazy, the knowing. But as someone said to me, there is a reason people are in the past, there is a reason why they came into your life. Leave the "why" in the past with them because by allowing it to be in your present then you are allowing them control over your life. And I definitely don't want to do that.

I'm at a place right now, where my daughter needs me 24/7 and I'll get my adult time in when I can and not at her expense. She's 6 for one year only and they grow so fast. I don't want to miss a second, definitely not because of someone who isn't worthy of it. And he isn't. At all.

sunday is funday

2009-06-28T11:02:00.000-07:00

I finished the majority of the chores yesterday. Well, except for the laundry, but Jesus, I have so much laundry that the fact that I've managed to do all but the whites really deserves some recognition here. Actually, I've pretty much stuck to my plan this weekend. Well, other than eating animal crackers last night after dinner. What?? I've gotten slightly better and I'm measuring, weighing and writing it all down. So I'm hoping to slowly build on my momentum (no, not a Weight Watcher's plug) and actually start making some positive progress rather than maintain. Although, once I lose these 20 pounds, maintenance should be a breeze. I keep reminding myself, that weight loss is 80% what I eat. So STOP EATING ANIMAL CRACKERS!!! And no, there aren't any pictures of them, assholes.

I got up early to fold clothes and eat breakfast and eat a light breakfast and then meet up with Nicole and Cindy at the Farmer's Market on Las Olas. I have reserved grocery shopping for Sunday afternoons as I like to hit up the FM first because I really like the fact that the produce guy there comes from a local organic farm. AND he has fresh eggs, from chickens that they have on the farm. And they are treated humanely. I know because I asked. No, I haven't actually BEEN to the farm, but don't think I won't do a surprise visit to confirm said treatment of their laying hens.

So we met up at the Farmer's Market and then went to La Bonne something or other for brunch. Where I had all intentions of having an english muffin and that was it.

Instead, I had this

Which was seriously the best French Toast I have had in quite some time. What?? It's got bananas and strawberry's on there. Which I paid extra for. But my health is definitely worth it.

Shyanne decided to order ala cart and her breakfast almost cost what mine did and she didn't really eat it. You would think I would learn my lesson, but not me. Nope.

Cindy had this.

Which was crepes w/strawberry's and country potatoes. It was all so good.

I didn't take a picture of Nicole's because she just had eggs and potatoes and toast. It looked good as well, but wasn't photographically worthy. We had a lot of fun and I got good produce and eggs and a good price. And some awesome hummus from the hummus lady. I've decided that she makes really good hummus. The other lady makes a great guacamole and the salsa and ceviche guy has the best salsa going. I also bought a pumpkin bread from the bakery guy. This little market is small, but I really enjoy the vendors. Then we walked up and down looking at some of the little shops.

Back to folding laundry.

Oh and yea, I'm pretty much done eating for the day. I think I've eaten my daily caloric intake with that brunch alone. *sigh* Why do I do that? Oh yea, because it's delicious.

I'll try to remember that when I'm trying to squeeze my fat ass into my jeans!!

This weight loss blog I listen to

2009-06-27T05:14:00.000-07:00

It's called Inside Out Weight Loss and she focuses on the mental and internal aspect of being able to not just lose the weight but keep it off. Because, let's be honest, I know how to lose weight. I just don't know how to keep it off.

Anyway, the last podcast she mentioned that we can have towards and away motivation. Away is negative motivation. I want to lose weight so I can fit into these pants. With away motivation, we tend to get to the goal and then we stall and falter. When the reality is that we may want and have bigger goals. Her point and I agree, is that away motivation isn't a bad thing, but shouldn't be the only kinds of motivation we have. So we should also have a toward (positive) motivation. To have more energy, to be healthier, etc. She gave the example of how to turn a negative goal into a positive statement. Instead of saying I don't want to binge eat, how about I want to eat three meals a day. Rather than I don't want pain in my neck, I want to be flexible and energetic.

She gives homework and the homework this week was for us to pick our dream for ourselves. It doesn't have to be realistic. So often we get told to keep our goals realistic so that we don't get overwhelmed and can actually visualize obtaining these goals. But this time, she says, pick your dream for your weight loss/fitness/health goal. So mine, is to feel free and comfortable naked. Also to be able to be in a bathing suit at the beach or pool with the kids and feel completely comfortable about the way I look. To be fit and muscular. Will I still have a bootie and a pooch in my belly. Yes, in my dream, I visualize myself a little with that, but I'm good with the way I look.

What's your dream for yourself?

I've decided to create a little routine for myself as well. Friday night and Saturday are going to be chore day. Friday night will just consist of laundry and vegging, but after my run on Saturday morning, it's chores time. Until 5pm, when I stop, regardless of what I have left to do and start on dinner. Then it's dinner and a movie night, or game night, or whatever the kids want to do. It's our special time together. I realize that if I ever have a date again on a Saturday night that I may have to alter our Family time, but really, there are a lot of other nights that I can go out on a date. These kids, this is the only time I'm going to get to enjoy them being the age that they are, so, I'm loathe to change my plans for anyone. They get to be the priority now. Anyway, I'm going to have a bowl of cereal w/strawberry's for breakfast and a piece of my broccoli crustless quiche. It came out so good. Yum.

I'm not really sure what I'll wind up having for lunch since it'll be smack in the dab middle of chore time but I'm sure I'll stop and have something that will involve using up what I have in the fridge. Dinner will involve me attempting once again to grill a piece of chicken without turning it into shoe leather. For the kids. My dinner will consist of fish and veggie packets on the grill.

Off I go to clean the bathrooms first. My most hated chore, so I tend to do it first to get it done and out of the way.

What's your most hated chore??

TGIF!!!!

2009-06-26T19:34:00.000-07:00

So it's Friday. And my eating is pretty much willy nilly. And so is my exercise. I've got to get my internal in order or any external changes I make won't stay. I've proven that much already. This isn't to say that I don't wake up every morning starting out thinking this is the day I get my shit together.

And I will.

I'm doing good. I feel great.

Something I read today resonates and will be something I always think about. Every time a man comes up to you, he wants something from you. It's up to me to let him know initially what the "cost" is. What my standards are. And I have them. Don't waste my time if you don't have any intention of trying to meet them.

These lyrics seem fitting.

2009-06-23T17:55:00.000-07:00

And love is not the easy thing
The only baggage that you can bring...
And love is not the easy thing...
The only baggage you can bring
Is all that you can't leave behind

And if the darkness is to keep us apart
And if the daylight feels like it's a long way off
And if your glass heart should crack
And for a second you turn back
Oh no, be strong

Walk on, walk on
What you got they can't steal it
No they can't even feel it
Walk on, walk on...
Stay safe tonight

You're packing a suitcase for a place none of us has been
A place that has to be believed to be seen
You could have flown away
A singing bird in an open cage
Who will only fly, only fly for freedom

Walk on, walk on
What you've got they can't deny it
Can't sell it, or buy it
Walk on, walk on
Stay safe tonight

And I know it aches
And your heart it breaks
And you can only take so much
Walk on, walk on

Home... hard to know what it is if you've never had one
Home... I can't say where it is but I know I'm going home
That's where the hurt is

I know it aches
How your heart it breaks
And you can only take so much
Walk on, walk on

Leave it behind
You got to leave it behind
All that you fashion
All that you make
All that you build
All that you break
All that you measure
All that you feel
All this you can leave behind
All that you reason
All that you sense
All that you speak
All you dress-up
All that you scheme...

I like Rita

2009-06-23T16:19:00.000-07:00

“you are at a place you’ve never been before”

This is what my therapist said to me today at the end of our session. And it’s true. I’m at a place and I’ve come to the realization that just because I have some things I’d like to accomplish doesn’t mean I’m terrible, or I’m worthless or any of that. I can accept myself at this place and time and looking this way and be happy with the person that I am. I can try to lose weight and still feel this way as well. The number on the scale doesn’t determine my happiness or who I am. It just shows you what I weigh.

Do I like that number? No. Does it make me depressed? Not anymore.

Does the relationship I have with my pseudo boyfriend determine whether I am worthy of love? Oh hell no. This is something else that I’ve really grown from. In the past, I would have gotten completely emotional and been very co-dependent. Not now. I’m deserving of a committed relationship. If he can’t give that to me, hell he can’t even be bothered to call anymore, whom I kidding, then I can, to quote Bono, walk on.

I’ve come to the realization that I’m not perfect, but I’ve spent so much time stressing about the number, or the guy or exercising etc. that I’ve forgotten to live the life that I was trying to lead. Thanks Christie. It’s time to get off the merry go round and fecking live life. All that time spent, when life is just too short, worrying about this number or that person, or how do I look here and what are they thinking. Who gives a shit. I won’t be that person. It’s hard to not wonder, will I go back. And yea, I probably will have down days, sad days. Everyone experiences those emotions. I’m not talking about being an emotionless zombie. I’m talking about acknowledging those emotions for what they are and NOT allowing them to take control of your life. I don’t let other people do that, so why would I let these emotions do that.

You may be wondering what did I eat today, since that IS supposed to be the subject matter at hand. It doesn’t matter. I did better today than I did yesterday. That’s my plan.

Seriously, I had oatmeal and a banana for breakfast. I had yogurt and fig newtons for lunch. Therapy session was at lunchtime and I didn’t plan very well. And I had shrimp, broccoli and potatoes for dinner. No pictures. Well, because that is just beyond boring. I am making a spinach pie for the week. Except I’m using broccoli and ricotta instead of the cottage cheese. So is it spinach pie? Or crust less broccoli quiche. Yea, I like the sounds of that.

Ladies and Gentlemen, to quote my good friend Mindy, “Happiness is a decision.” I choose to be happy, regardless of my situation.

You should try it.

Father's Day Weekend

2009-06-20T05:55:00.001-07:00

My parent's have been here all week as my Dad had some business in the Key's to take care of. So, my apt. is a disaster because whenever they are here, my mom expects me to be at my grandmother's house during the waking hours. Which, you know what, is just fine. I'm realizing the older I get, how blessed I am to have my parents alive and healthy and around. And honestly, I wish every day that I had spent more time with my sister and now it's too late. I want to be able to not have that regret.

I realize that this is supposed to be a food blog, but I didn't take pictures yesterday since my camera died. I am charging it today and hope to have some pictures today.

Breakfast today is starting out with pineapple because it's on the verge (several pieces tossed already) and coffee. Yea, not exactly balanced, I realize that but I'm not thinking too much about balanced today.

I've also made some decisions about certain things in my life and the relief that I felt once I made the difficult decision was rather surprising. I honestly am sad about it, but sometimes in order to move forward you have to close off some things that while initially may hurt, in the end are actually better for everyone involved. I could write several cliches now but I'll spare you the nausea. I really feel good about myself and know what I do and don't want and don't feel like I need to tolerate anything that causes me the slightest bit of anxiety. I deserve better. I demand better and I won't apologize for feeling that way.

In other random news, I'm decorating the boys room and have decided that I do like IKEA after all. If for nothing else than there wonderful ideas on how to maximize and decorate small spaces. I'm going to embrace my inner DIYer.

How was humpday

2009-06-18T03:33:00.000-07:00

I realized a couple of things yesterday in therapy. I'm really in a good place. I recognize the potential red flags and am doing the things I need to do to take care of me. I've become accepting of who I am right now. That doesn't mean I don't want to change my behaviors or my weight, but I am who I am. And if you can't deal with that then that is your problem not mine. I'm pretty much over being anxious about my relationship with people or food. My goal each day is to do better than yesterday. I also have specific things to accomplish this goal and they change from day to day. My plan is to build on baby steps and eventually those baby steps will become routine.

I ate on plan yesterday. My exercise goals are to do something every other day. If I do more, then great, but if not that's ok too. I'd like to have a more specific routine at some point but I'm trying to develop fitness habits that I stick to. When I was training for the half, I had no problem sticking to a workout routine, but that ended once I ran the half. So, I'm going to develop a routine that I can stick to regardless of what my other fitness goals, long or short term, become.

I've been counting calories because I've really had a hard time sticking to anything else. Even WW hasn't been particularly appealing and I figure as long as I know what my caloric intake is and the fact that I'm eating mostly filling foods (WW terminology) that I'm making baby steps towards getting that relatively under control as well.

My friend M and I have decided to try this fat plan that she has and that when she was doing properly worked. Well of course it did. It was basically filling foods and burning more than what you take in. But it's a different kind of plan and since it's something new appeals to me. Plus, we are going text or call whenever we feel like eating off plan. I have that with Christie too and I think that having another person available to me for accountability will help. I have a lot of friends who I know I can count on for support and I am really thankful for that.

My mom's here under next week so I've been getting home late everyday as I bring my dinner over there to eat with them. I'll probably do that again today. I did eat past satisfaction yesterday, however I'm not going to let Lois talk bad to me, like she started to before bed time. My therapist's goal for me is to banish Lois forever. I hadn't seen her in awhile, but she did show up last night. I did tell her to go to hell. Yes, I ate too much, but it wasn't chips. So, I'll think about why I ate so much and try to learn something from it. My take, there were really no veggies with that meal.

Time always flies in the morning. I'm out.

Today, I woke up early and rode the bike.

Obstacles can be blessings, it's all in your perspective

2009-06-17T03:41:00.000-07:00

I read this somewhere yesterday. Actually what the line was, "God puts blessings in your path, it's up to you to view them in a positive or negative way. I could definitely follow this line of thinking. I was talking to a good friend of mine yesterday re: the BF situation and she said (she's known me some 14 years) that this is the first time that she has seen me so mature and relaxed with a relationship regardless of whether there is some emotional turmoil. She told me she was proud of me and that maybe his lack of enthusiasm is a good thing for me since I seem to be dealing with it well and learning how to be in a relationship without going overboard.

And it seems that is how I felt once the initial jolt left. Of course, I am not going to make any decisions while in an emotional state and yea, I am probably ready for something serious, finally, and he isn't. But instead of viewing this in a negative light, I am going to look at it in a positive way. I am pretty content with the way things are truth be told. I would probably like to see him more, but when I say that, I mean, more than one weekend out of the month. And it isn't like he's super close so I can understand needing to spend some weekends at home. But, overall, I have things I want to work on within myself, tangible and intangible things. And I can't necessarily do that if I am in a full on see you all the time kind of relationship. Those kinds of relationships aren't conducive to independence and probably isn't really a good thing after all. Now, does that mean I don't think he is bordering on being a jackass. Oh yes, I do. But I'm trying to use that in a positive way. Ball's in my court really. So, for now I'm happy with the status quo. And in the meantime I have my WI friend to keep it real for me.

I had a great day yesterday. I ate OP all the way which I realized later may have been some kind of subliminal reaction to my mother being in town. Which, I'm not quite sure what to make of that so I won't even think about it right now.

had to have blood work done and I had to fast so as soon as I got out of the lab at some 10am I hit the closest Dunkin Donuts and had the egg white veggie flat wrap and a cup of coffee. While I liked the wrap and it's relatively low in calories, the 9 grams of fat seems a little high for me AND it really doesn't have much staying power. Nonetheless, it was good.

lunch I had a really good salad with tuna on top and TJ's sesame ginger fat free dressing. Seriously, this has got to be my most favorite salad dressing evah. I thank my friends in Boston so much for shipping this to me when I run out.

I then had a camera shy pear and tall skinny latte from Starbucks. My snack later was a yogurt (white chocolate raspberry) with a little Zeke thrown in. I prefer to flavor the plain ff stuff myself, but this particular flavor is a favorite of mine.

I stopped off at my apt on the way to my grandmother's house to pick up a tuna fillet and black bean salsa so that I could have an OP dinner. God only knew with my mom and dad there what they had decided to make for dinner. My dad likes to eat relatively healthy but he's a tall dude, so he can get away with not always having the best meals. I had the tuna topped with the black bean mango salsa that I picked up at the Farmer's market with Crystal. Wow, that stuff is really good. I may need to go back to get more this weekend. I also had about 1/2 cup of steamed brown rice and home grown tomatoes from my dad's garden in Tally. Talk about a really satisfying meal. It was so good.

I hung out with them for awhile and had a cup of coffee and went home to watch the season finale of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. Oh my, I never thought I'd be hooked on a show like that but I really, really like it. And since I didn't get up and run in the morning, I spent the whole show on the bike. By the time I got off my legs felt like rubber, but that was a good thing.

Time to head off to work. Therapy today at lunch time is on my agenda. I'm also packed for lunch today, so it should be a good OP day today as well.

Tuesday Weigh In

2009-06-16T04:26:00.000-07:00

I changed my weigh in day to Tuesday because of some conversations over on the WW board. I remember I got to Lifetime with a WI day of Tuesday and part of why it worked was because I was very conservative with my WPAs during the week since I had so far to go to the weekend and then I didn't want to totally blow it on the weekend because Tues was weigh in day and not that far away. I had it on Tuesday's earlier in the year and that stopped working for me. But truthfully, I'm the one that stopped it from working.

I have to go have blood drawn and they are testing my thyroid levels etc. I haven't had coffee yet and am not a happy camper. Well, I'm not, but for other reasons.

I feel like I know what has to be done but I don't have the balls to do it. Or maybe, I need to accept it the way it is and look at all the positives. I think that is probably a better way to do it. Of course, I need to then encourage those positives. Perhaps my therapist will have some better insight.

I still haven't gotten the eating under control, but even having said that I didn't gain. Wow. That is shocking.

I'm carrying around my camera with me today so hopefully I'll remember to take a picture of my food and since I've got it packed and ready to go, I should be ok on that end.

well, that's an about face

2009-06-13T15:46:00.000-07:00

I've had absolutely no appetite today.

I had about 1 cup of potatoes and an egg for breakfast, popcorn and a latte for lunch and a peanut butter sandwich for dinner.

Not exactly meeting all of the healthy guidelines am I. Well, I did have spinach with my potatoes.

And so many run through my mind right now. I went to see that movie UP. You know, the Disney 3D new one. Well, all I can say is I am glad that a lot of it went over my daughters head. This movie, an animated movie, has left me on the verge of tears and extremely upset all day long. I guess it's not so much the movie but the premise behind it. And the overwhelming sadness that the Carl feels when Ellie dies. To have someone love you that much, be your partner in all things, well, that is truly amazing. Now, don't get me wrong, my kids give me unconditional love, even the eldest. And that love they have for me, well, it's truly amazing. But I want someone to share my life with. My happy times, to be with me during the sad times, but I also want to be that someone that gives that happiness and comfort. I don't think it's too much to ask.

On one of those stupid FB quizzes one of the questions is, "Do you believe in love?" (Feel free to read that line ala Huey Lewis circa 1981). I answered yes, but as time goes by I wonder if it is true. Is love something that we believe exists because the entertainment industry (and literary world for that matter) tells us it does, or do they produce the works of art based on love that actually happens and is real? I'm starting to think that it's the former. Either that, or men and women are fundamentally different. I used to think it was me, and spent many years in therapy. Well, what I've come to realize is that therapy has helped me understand and deal with the experiences, usually negative, that I've had.

I used to believe that when you weren't looking for it, then it would appear. And it seemed to me that I had actually experienced that. I guess time is the only thing that will tell if that is the case.

And therein lies my problem. I have no patience. For pretty much anything.

Maybe I should just watch sad movies every day. If nothing else, they help control my appetite.

It's to care about Rita

2009-06-13T06:30:00.000-07:00

And what Rita feels and wants.

I can't go into it until I figure out how to block this so that I can only allow certain people to see it. I don't really want to have certain people seeing what I write.

So, I had a great time yesterday at Nicole's 40th birthday party. I didn't stay too long because I had to go and see the love of my life. My daughter. I picked her up and we pretty much made it an early night. I didn't have anything to drink at the party but I did eat a red velvet cupcake that was homemade. That thing was totally worth the points to me. OMG, it was extremely rich and decadent. I had some rice and beans for dinner and that was it. I didn't snack at night. Probably because of the sinus headache that I was getting and the annoyance that was building up.

Went to bed annoyed and with a headache so I woke up this morning and went out for a run. It felt great, but the sun didn't help my headache, so I came home and popped some aleve and am hoping that helps since I have a lot on my plate today. I'm taking the cat to the groomer and Shyanne to the movies to see up. It's a girl's day for sure.

I also want to clean the apt and plan and cook for the week.

Did I mention I ran this morning :-)

TGIF!!

2009-06-12T04:08:00.000-07:00

Well, yesterday was weigh in. I lost .6 pounds. I take that with a grain of salt because I really didn't do anything other than consistently exercise to deserve that small loss. But, I'll take it.

And I got off to a great start. Had a great breakfast and lunch, and then someone brought in these bread things from Don Pan. And what did I do? I ate two of them. Ugh. WTF??? I didn't need it. Whatever, I restarted my week, probably part of the problem and I counted it. I am determined to stay OP until Thursday and weigh in. I want this. I do. I have to make myself feel more comfortable being OP than not.

I also started a new exercise in an attempt to stop the self deprecation and destruction that I constantly do to myself. I gave that inner voice a name. Her name is Lois and she's a bitch. Because she is mean to me. Then I wrote down every time she talked shit to me. Well, Lois, I get to tell you to shut the fuck up. And I did, a couple of times. The last step in the exercise is every time Lois says something critical or negative then Rita is supposed to say something positive. Yesterday's, yea, you guys will love this.

I had a date with my boyfriend. We haven't seen each other in two weeks due to his travel and my travel. So, I had been hoping to have lost some noticeable weight and hadn't. Of course, Lois starts telling me that the reason he wants to slow things down must be because of the 4 pounds I've gained since he and I have gotten together. Yes, that's all I've gained 4 pounds. For me, that is a lot of weight. To another person, I guarantee that they cannot notice it. And besides, I told Lois, he's seen me naked before. It isn't like he is going to look and me and say, oh wait, I didn't realize you were fat, no never mind. Um, like my friend told me, I don't think that's going to be an issue. Because he's seen me naked already, and oh yea, he actually cares me me, regardless of my fat roll.

Well, we did have a very nice evening. We went to my favorite sushi place, the hint hint on my FB status apparently worked. I counted the meal and didn't binge eat at night. Well, other than the stupid WW cookie I ate when I got home. At midnight. WTF??

Anyway, I've made a list of things to do rather than eat based on someone's post from the WW boards. I have actually gotten a lot of ideas from there to try and deal with the night time eating. Because I am very aware of not being hungry when I'm doing it.

And as I'm listening to the news while writing this here are a list of things I don't give a shit about:

Miss California getting fired

The Jonas Brothers in Central Park

Adam Lambert's sexual orientation

oh crap, look at the time. I've got to get going. Pictures later, maybe.

Therapy yesterday

2009-06-10T03:47:00.000-07:00

Well, I had a pretty fabulous session yesterday.

I've come to several realizations. First, just because I am sad about something doesn't mean I need to go down the path of self destruction It just means I'm sad. It doesn't mean I'm worthless or am a disaster. It just means I'm feeling sad at the moment. I can be sad or have something sad happen to me and still be a good person and be deserving of good things happening to me.

The other thing I realized s that I use food as a punishment to myself. In talking through I guess I've come to the conclusion that there must be something wrong with me, because why else would I have experienced the things I have. Going back to childhood even. I must not be worthy right, if I don't have a father and if my mother didn't want to be around the first 9 years of my life, right? So I'll just eat. Which I didn't use to do. I mean, I guess I've always struggled with weight, but this nighttime eating, yea, that's fairly recent. The last 4 years or so.

And basically, it's a big merry go round. Have you ever felt like that? And if so, HOW have you managed to get off of the merry go round.

She said I need to get to where I feel more comfortable being healthy than being punished. I am so used to beating myself up that it's comforting. Again, this begs the question, how do I get *there*

That's what I wrote on the WW board. I got some great comments and Marci really made me see something, my writings from the gym, my runs, etc. All of those things not only help me but they've inspired others. Thats one thing I didn't realize. And well, she's right, I do feel better about myself when I'm exercising. I've got to get to the point where going for a walk or exercising makes me feel better than eating.

I also talked about my mom and her weight problem and how it makes me feel. I love my mom dearly, and I don't know what to do to help her. But she's extremely obese and eats and eats vs my hiding my eating. It made me be very OP and gave me some will power because I didn't want to be like that. How did she let herself get like this? And I'm such an asshole for being disgusted but really, I am.

And no, I didn't talk to her about it. I did talk to my dad. He shares my concerns. She is extremely unhealthy.

My eating still sucks and so I have no pictures. Maybe today will be the day.

It's the Way I Eat Now--or Living la vida loca in South Florida

Moved my blog

Pictures

A new week

Another football day

It isn't a thriller in OT when you are on the losing side of the thriller

Friday Night Lights

Happy New Year!

Special Place in Hell

TGIF!!!

Try, try again

I miss my friend

Manic Monday

BOTNS Books Podcast #47: DystopYA | Books on the Nightstand Blog and Books Podcast

Sunday Competition

TGIF BITCHEZZZZZ!!!!!!!

Went Running

BOTNS Books Podcast #47: DystopYA | Books on the Nightstand Blog and Books Podcast

Heat, heat and more heat

The Hunger Games by Suzanne Collins

Hope lives again

Best Missed Connection on Craigslist so far

to the lady that i repoed her car - m4w - 23 (Hollywood)

Just Write (sung to lady gaga's just dance)

Random musings that aren't worthy of their own post

Acceptance of myself through others

Sleepy Saturday

Pop Psychology from General Hospital

Rainy Days and Mondays

Banned Books Week

Chore Day Saturday

10 Book To Read Before You Die

Pick the next book I read

Budget Cuts

Football

***tap, tap, tap****

History repeats itself

Saturday, sleepy Saturday

It's my Friday Bitchez!!

Fantasy Island

I play the victim?? Really??

Saturday in the park

TGIF BITCHEZ doesn't seem right today

Let's hear it for long weekends

Third person Thursday

I'm not sure this podcast helps

Weekend!!

Sad Day

The First Day of School

Sunday night

Books, books and what are you reading?

My notes

The importance of checking the NI

Day 4, Wednesday Aug 19

About to get really personal

Last Chance Saloon by Mariane Keyes

Tuesday Teaser

Keeping my fingers crossed

Sunday Brunch

TGIF BITCHEZ!!!!!

Something Fun and Random

Pseudonyms

Back to work

Best Laugh I've had all week

Writing on the rise

Answering machines should be mandatory for businesses

Oatmeal is the new garbage dump

Lazy Sunday Morning

Books, books, and more books

Another weekend

Two Nights Graze Free

Just Another Manic Monday

Early Sunday

the Green drink frenzy

I've disappeared for a week

It isn't all about me

I think I might be addicted to books

volumetrics Rita-style

Double Dipping a bad idea

You're Poking me? Seriously?

*tap, tap, tap**