Self Confidence

I vacillated on which blog to post this on.  I decided that since it involves friends I made through WW and body image I would post it on here. It is suffice to say that once you have been overweight, when you lose the weight you don't always lose the fat girl mentality. That being, for me, I have to give in sexually in order to have a guy like me, because surely they can't find me attractive and therefore, that IS the only way for me to capture their interest.

Well, thanks to my ever so wise friends J & J, no, you know what, it isn't. I have confidence about my abilities in all other aspects of my life. My job, oh hell yea, I have confidence there. It is where I feel the most confident and comfortable.  My family status, I love my crazy fucked up family more than ever, especially now that I am more accepting of everyone, including my own, flaws.  My love life/relationship.....that is a  work in progress, but being in therapy for two years, I have definitely made some improvements.  But as Jodie said, Great relationships don't start out being sexual, they just don't. Regrettable situations certainly do. And that made me reexamine my past. All of my relationships have started out quickly in the sex area. Part of it is that I am comfortable with my sexuality and am older, but I KNOW I am not comfortable with my body image, so why rush things. If there is to be sex involved, let it be after I am comfortable with said person, because then I can be sure that it is me that they are attracted to and not just a couple of fucks.  Because again, as I was wisely told, I am worth more than that.  

I would rather be alone with my self respect. Honestly. And like I said the other day, if I don't believe it, well then practice and repetition.  I will get there eventually.  I am sure that she doesn't realize it, but Jodie is in my head, in a good way all the time. I don't know, truly what I would do without her (and several others that live no where near me) friendship.  I am  a better person today because of it.

Saturday and Sunday

I find that the structure that the work week provides is more conducive to my OPness than the free for all that the weekend offers.  Not having a boyfriend helps, because I don't have to deal with his/kids eating habits etc. Not that they were bad, it just gave me one more thing to struggle with.  

So in tackling this issue, I have decided that I can give my weekends a little more structure. All of this is in my control, which is strangely comforting to me as little else in my life is truly completely under my total control. Everything else is partially under my control, but events are usually impacted by others actions.  Which is a digression from my original intent of this post but important nonetheless.  If I need to be in control, and the only thing I can truly control is my OPness, then why don't I.

I do.  At least I have this past week, in it's entirety which has not happened in far too long.  Saturday and Sunday should be easy to structure, at least to some extent.  Because I mean honestly people, it's just three meals, another day in the life. This isn't rocket science or trying to come up with a new economic policy that would be equitable and fair for all of us. It's figuring out my days off. Easy as pie.

Saturday's entails errands and shlepping the kids around.  Well, not all of them. The biggest one sleeps until noon usually, unless he has to work, and the littlest one is still in the "Mommy is my best friend" mode and therefore will just want to be with me. 

AM: wake up, ride the bike or other exercise routine I have. Make coffee, have breakfast. Plan out weekly meals and grocery list.  Go to the pool if weather permits

Come home for lunch

Afternoon: go to the grocery store, run any other errands necessary, playdates, etc. snack can be  a latte from Sbux 

Dinner time: come home for that

Evening: chores, etc, card games with kiddos

Sunday: AM the same, except start to cook for the week..pool or park

Lunch at home, obviously

afternoon: watch race/sports while finishing up chores and cooking/planning/prep

See, was that so hard.

21 Days to a Habit

Willow on the weight watcher boards talked about this, actually several people did, and It got me to thinking. If I can wake up at 5am for the next 21 days, weekends notwithstanding, can I make this a habit. 

Will I get back to where I used to LOVE working out and would plan the day's activity's around working out rather than the other way around and trying to fit the work out in. Can I make the work out be a priority again. I don't know, but Jodie says that your body will do whatever your mind tells it to and that yes, whatever you say you can and will do, you can and will do.

So, thanks to Michele, my Board friend from Savannah, I got up at 5am. I didn't want to and actually thought about telling her not to text me until starting next week, but thankfully she held strong and was like, what's your number etc. So, I figured, look if this person who has never met you face to face is willing to be responsible for helping, then the least I can do is appreciate the help and get up. And boy did I try to find excuses, I said, I could text her then go back to sleep, but that would require me being dishonest later in the day, and I loathe dishonesty.  

then I thought, well I can get up and do chores or write or other stuff, but again, I would have to face the questions on the board, and I didn't want to have to either be dishonest, or not have done my part of the bargain. So I got up. I rode the bike. I even did a toning routine. Which is all not a "big" workout but like I discussed before, athletes don't just wake up one day and say, hey, I want to be in the olympics. They practice, and train, and practice some more.

So I did Day 1.  Day 8 or 9 is when I falter, so I shall try to post everyday about this. Maybe the accountability will help.

Struggle

So I would not ever admit this to anyone, but I have been struggling big time. Of course, I have been honest and updated my middle number on my WW profile, but that is about all that I have done to acknowledge my slide.  And I can't pinpoint why. I try to figure it out.

I try to take all the advice that I give everyone else. And it just is what it is.  The truth of the matter is, I just need to do it.  I can try to psycho-analyze myself and why I sabotage myself, but truthfully, that is why I pay Dr. S the big bucks. He can do that. Me, I just need to do it. Or not do it, however the case may be.  

Like Jodie likes to say, stop shoveling shit into your mouth and get off the couch. My problem is that I am so close to goal. I have always used my vanity in an attempt to stay thin, but this time, I have not been able to do that. Maybe because I have cute clothes, or ah, hell I don't know.

I am tired of having this roll around my gut thought. I guess in the past I have always needed to be at goal and thin in order to feel worthy to have a man's attention. I have since worked on my brain and self esteem and feel pretty worthy, even though I am single, I am worthy and I deserve to have what I want. I am in no rush to get into a relationship and therefore no longer associate my weight with my ability to get a man. 

Great psychological breakthrough but it really fucks with my ability to stay OP!

Why is it so hard

to be completely OP for just one day.

that is all

feeling muscles burn

I finally got myself on the bike, and rode. Hard. 

I liked the feeling of strength that it gave me.  I liked the feel of the burn in my muscle. And it helps me to stay OP because of it. I mean, I don't want to go and put crap in my body when it feels that good.

I made a list of great things to make this weekend to eat this week. They include: multi grain pilaf, which tasted amazing, black beans, red clam sauce w/spinach to have over whole wheat pasta, braised brussel sprouts and pat's polenta to have as breakfast.

With the veg's and fruit that I bought today, who misses meat. Although, the leftover greek bulgur chicken salad does have chicken in it. But once that is done, then my eating chicken days are over.

I feel strong like a bull!! Go me.

well, it's Saturday

And I did absolutely no exercise this week.  Of course, I always had an excuse, but really and truly that is just what they are. Excuses.

I hate excuses. yet I allow myself to do it. Why? Is the alternative beating myself up? Because I don't want to do that either. 

One good thing, even though I didn't exercise, I stayed OP and I didn't think of it as "falling off" the wagon or having to start fresh. It just a new day. 80% of the time, I make the right choices. my goal is to improve that to 90% of the time. That's a pretty good batting average if you look at it that way and I am going to try and be positive and look at what I have accomplished instead of what I haven't.

I wrote about this the other day on the WW Core Board, my goal is to maintain my weight loss, not lose the weight. It's to keep it off.  I can't and won't do that successfully if I don't get my attitude in check. So if it takes me a year, then so be it.  I won't be a slave to the number on the scale.