Back to work

After being off for a week and pretty much doing nothing but shopping with my mom, it's back to work for me. Blah.

I suppose I should be thankful to have a job to go to, and I am. I particularly like my job and the people I work with, so I should be doubly thankful. And I am. I still would rather not work. Or at least not be tied to having to work. But then I suppose, who wouldn't??

The bright side of having to go into work is the uninterrupted reading time at lunch. Always looking to find a positive point to everything.

What am I eating today?? I've not been following any program. Or even eating intuitively. Mondays are notorious for starting over and far be it from me to try and buck that trend. I'll be counting points again my friends. In an attempt to stop the cycle. If I just cut out the snacking I'm relatively certain that I would drop at least 5 pounds. Let's go with that.

Again.

And again.

Until I get it right.

Finally finished Mansfield Park. Boy, that Aunt Norris is a piece of work. I would have told her off about a million times and most of Jane Austen's heroines would have as well. But Fanny was definitely a meeker and subdued character than her normal ones. It did wrap up rather quickly which was slightly surprising to me, but I enjoyed the book nonetheless. It was more difficult to get into than her other books.

Now, I'm reading Neuromancer by William Gibson, which is a sci-fi classic from the 80's along with The Last Chance Saloon by Marian Keyes which is a chick lit book from England (or Ireland as the case may be). Both are really good if not totally different. I pick each one up depending on my mood. I'll bring Neuromancer to work with me today. I'm further along in that one than I am the other.

I did go book shopping again this weekend. I can't help it. I have so many books now, but when I see them so cheap, I have to pick them up, especially if the title's are on my TBR list.

Ugh, time to get ready for work. Maybe I'll post pictures of my food later. If it's blogworthy that is.

Lazy Sunday Morning

Catching up on reading my blogs. The dog, not the kid, woke me this morning. Geez, well I suppose it's better than her having an accident. I totally need to give her a bath today. Folding laundry and doing that are the only chore related items on my agenda today.

I've become torn between the two books I'm reading. I'm about half way through Mansfield Park and the uncle has just returned from a year long, actually plural years, to Antigua. He appears to be the only one in the entire lot, with the exception of Edmund, that treats Fanny as if she is truly family rather than a glorified servant. It's been pissing me off that she is so mild and meek, but I suppose that is what Austen is going for.

Neuromancer I just started last night and it's not been particularly easy to read. Gibson has some made up words that I've never heard so I've been using my 4th grade "context clues" skills to determine what it is he is trying to convey. Of course, he did invent the word "cyberspace" so you would have thought that some of these others would have taken off as well. No, they really didn't. The story is, however, interesting and since I actually have a deadline with an event scheduled, Aug 19th, I suppose that I will go ahead and try to finish this book first. I'll be sure to let you know how I like it since it's my first adult foray into science fiction.

I haven't eaten anything yet today, but I did weigh in as I want to go ahead and start actually following Weight Watchers. Again. I've been maintaining the weight I am now for quite some time and have determined that if my 12 y/o can manage to stay on plan then WTF am I waiting for. Seriously. I am just enjoying coffee right now. Breakfast will be a bowl of cereal. I'm keeping to my budget by not buying items until I'm completely out of them. Which means no breakfast food until I run out of the cereal, oatmeal and eggs that I have. I'm a relatively boring breakfast eater. Pictures to follow.

I won't be doing much today but going to the grocery store and hanging out at home. By choice. Oh, I may take the little one to the pool or the park.

I've disappeared for a week

I've been out the last week and haven't written but not because there hasn't been stuff to tell, but rather because I've been so busy that I've not wanted to rattle off some half-assed post.

Last weekend was my book splurge weekend. I found lots and lots of book on sale at the various library sales and my used book store.

So, when Shyanne wanted to go to the pool, I grabbed a book and went. Wow, I hadn't realized how it is has been during the day since I'm inside the majority of the day. Being outside really wilted my energy. That sun is so hot. Sunday was errand day.

During the week, I found out that Jonathon has extremely high blood sugar, borderline diabetic and if he doesn't get his eating habits, and therefore his weight, under control, he will be one very soon. My 12 year old son therefore, has a prescription to join weight watchers. The Dr. said it is the most sound plan out there and really teaches the right way to eat. Well, duh, I know this. I figure if my Jon can do this, there really is no excuse for me, right?

Well, except I have now started hiding what I eat. Ok, the oldest busted me the other night. Jon comes home tonight and I'm really going to jump on this with him. I can do anything if it's for my kids.

I've got nothing exciting going on this weekend other than dinner tonight with a friend and our kids. We'll need to pick someplace cheap because I've only got about $95 in my weekend budget and I need to get groceries with that. Fortunately, I only need about $40 worth of stuff so I should be ok.

I'll tell you, I've had to really stick to my budget.

I've also had some really great insight into what I want to do when I grow up and it involves taking a negative event and turning it into positive action on my part. More to come on that.

Dating wise, I have no prospects and have come to a place where I really don't want any. This in and of itself is shocking, but I really don't even go out and about anymore nor do I want to. Not even when I am out doing mundane things do I even think about meeting anyone. I'm at a really good place in my life and I don't want or need anything different.

How was humpday

I realized a couple of things yesterday in therapy. I'm really in a good place. I recognize the potential red flags and am doing the things I need to do to take care of me. I've become accepting of who I am right now. That doesn't mean I don't want to change my behaviors or my weight, but I am who I am. And if you can't deal with that then that is your problem not mine. I'm pretty much over being anxious about my relationship with people or food. My goal each day is to do better than yesterday. I also have specific things to accomplish this goal and they change from day to day. My plan is to build on baby steps and eventually those baby steps will become routine.

I ate on plan yesterday. My exercise goals are to do something every other day. If I do more, then great, but if not that's ok too. I'd like to have a more specific routine at some point but I'm trying to develop fitness habits that I stick to. When I was training for the half, I had no problem sticking to a workout routine, but that ended once I ran the half. So, I'm going to develop a routine that I can stick to regardless of what my other fitness goals, long or short term, become.

I've been counting calories because I've really had a hard time sticking to anything else. Even WW hasn't been particularly appealing and I figure as long as I know what my caloric intake is and the fact that I'm eating mostly filling foods (WW terminology) that I'm making baby steps towards getting that relatively under control as well.

My friend M and I have decided to try this fat plan that she has and that when she was doing properly worked. Well of course it did. It was basically filling foods and burning more than what you take in. But it's a different kind of plan and since it's something new appeals to me. Plus, we are going text or call whenever we feel like eating off plan. I have that with Christie too and I think that having another person available to me for accountability will help. I have a lot of friends who I know I can count on for support and I am really thankful for that.

My mom's here under next week so I've been getting home late everyday as I bring my dinner over there to eat with them. I'll probably do that again today. I did eat past satisfaction yesterday, however I'm not going to let Lois talk bad to me, like she started to before bed time. My therapist's goal for me is to banish Lois forever. I hadn't seen her in awhile, but she did show up last night. I did tell her to go to hell. Yes, I ate too much, but it wasn't chips. So, I'll think about why I ate so much and try to learn something from it. My take, there were really no veggies with that meal.

Time always flies in the morning. I'm out.

Today, I woke up early and rode the bike.

Memorial Day Weekend

I guess this is technically the middle of the weekend since I have, with most of America, have Monday off.  

I spent all of yesterday cleaning my apartment and doing laundry. I did manage to make dinner for all of us. I cleaned the refrigerator, literally. I cleaned the shelves and it looks so much better in there now.  Of course, I have no pictures, because I just realized that the battery on my camera died. So I'm charging it now. And trying to get some motivation to get up and get the day going.  Yesterday, I got up and got moving at 8a. YES, on a Saturday. I was really determined to get all of the cleaning done, and I did. That includes cleaning the baseboards and dusting everything. I even took apart the burners on the stove.  So when it was all said and done, I spent the evening with the Sopranos. I'm almost done with Season 3. I've saw the last couple of seasons so it's been very enjoyable watching it from the beginning.  

Today on tap: I have several errands to run. Including returning the Hydroxycut that I bought and has since been recalled. Dropping off a bunch of stuff at Goodwill and doing some shopping. Not too much, because I'm trying to eat my cabinets bare. That is going to make for some interesting meal's I'm sure. I will replenish the perishables, once I've finished what I have.  right now I have ff yogurt, ff ricotta, a block of tempeh, mango cut up, cantaloupe cut up , a pear, four apples, carrots, spaghetti squash,  applesauce, 3 eggs, some onions, a sweet potato,  a tomato, and four ears of corn.  I'm thinking that I'll mix in the mango w/some granola and yogurt for lunch.  I'll conjure up something with this I'm sure. I've got some frozen items as well as a plethora of grains and beans, so it shouldn't be too hard to use this up. Once all the fresh veggies are gone, I'll get more.

I'm not sure if I'll see DBF this weekend. He's made no mention of coming over, and honestly I waver between being annoyed and being insecure.  I will not be asking or bringing it up. He needs his space to process, he can have it. I just need to move on and do my own thing. It seems that I seem to have this happen a lot to me. Although, he is there in a lot of ways that no one else has been, but I'm not sure what's going on with him and I've tried to discuss it with him. He says he likes where we are now, and he's involved the children so I can imagine that he is sincere in what he is saying. BUT, at the same time, I can't help but wonder why he's pulling away somewhat after being so accessible.  The other thing that concerns me, is damn, I truly like his children. Historically, I haven't cared for the children of men that I've dated.  I've tolerated them. That sounds cruel or mean I know, but it's the truth. I'm not a kids person, even to my own sometimes.  But his kids, yea, they're awesome.  So I truly hope that I'm just being insecure and that everything is going along the way it should be.

I'm still pissed that there has been no effort to come and see me on a this long weekend, particularly when he does not have the children and it would be very easy for him to come over. No worries though, I have plenty of things to do on my own. I have my own life, it'd just be nice to do some of those things with him.

My eating last night sucked ass. I had potato chips while I was watching the Sopranos. I counted them, I decided to do points for a week.  Since I started my week on Friday, I should be ok. If I stick to it, which I haven't been able to do up to this point.

My breakfast today was yummy. I sauteed 1/2 a sweet potato and a couple of purple ones that I had left, threw in some leftover peas, an egg and a slice of provolone. Sliced a tomato and had a couple of slices on top of it. It was good and I'm satisfied. Not past, so I'm hoping to hold out for lunch until at least 2p or so.  

I've got to figure out what to do with that Ricotta.

Weigh In

I lost two pounds. And I joined a gym.  I am feeling strong like a bull and totally staying OP.

I am bound and determined to get my jiggly self into shape. I want to prove all the naysayers that just because a woman is turning a certain age, that doesn't mean that she should give up.

And sign up dude at the gym, I could have totally been born in 1979. Everyone says it. Except, apparently you. WTF??

Anyway, been sticking to my menu, and not even wanting or having the desire to go off plan.  To quote Kate, this will be the last week I am at this weight.  I did realize that I absolutely need to precook all of my meals for the week. There is absolutely no desire from me to cook during the week. I get home too late, and I would rather just not eat than have to cook. That is not a good thing to do, so NSV for me.

In other running related news, there is a half marathon in Feb in Ft. Lauderdale. It goes along the beach. I am contemplating joining up. I shall discuss with my mentor and decide after that.

Day Two of Running

Well, several things, but first. The gnats. Oh man, I totally forgot about those stupid little gnats that we get. Well, thankfully I was wearing big sunglasses so they didn't get into my eyes. But I did have to wipe several dead ones off of the glasses. Also, it's good incentive to properly breathe and inhale through your nose and exhale out your mouth.  Because when you inhale with your mouth who knows how many how of those stupid gnats you eat. Ew. 

The other, Torre is slowing me down. I think I almost killed her. Or gave her heat stroke. Either one. I think that I am going to have to walk/run with her around the block and then bring her home and go finish myself. Because she was out afterwards yesterday. 

The other thing that is really good about sweating up a storm is that it really gives me incentive to stay OP. I mean I just busted my ass, as I did in the morning working out and the last thing I want to do is blow it by eating some junk. That I will forget about in two seconds.

Good food, like good sex is worth the wait and effort.

Struggle

So I would not ever admit this to anyone, but I have been struggling big time. Of course, I have been honest and updated my middle number on my WW profile, but that is about all that I have done to acknowledge my slide.  And I can't pinpoint why. I try to figure it out.

I try to take all the advice that I give everyone else. And it just is what it is.  The truth of the matter is, I just need to do it.  I can try to psycho-analyze myself and why I sabotage myself, but truthfully, that is why I pay Dr. S the big bucks. He can do that. Me, I just need to do it. Or not do it, however the case may be.  

Like Jodie likes to say, stop shoveling shit into your mouth and get off the couch. My problem is that I am so close to goal. I have always used my vanity in an attempt to stay thin, but this time, I have not been able to do that. Maybe because I have cute clothes, or ah, hell I don't know.

I am tired of having this roll around my gut thought. I guess in the past I have always needed to be at goal and thin in order to feel worthy to have a man's attention. I have since worked on my brain and self esteem and feel pretty worthy, even though I am single, I am worthy and I deserve to have what I want. I am in no rush to get into a relationship and therefore no longer associate my weight with my ability to get a man. 

Great psychological breakthrough but it really fucks with my ability to stay OP!

Eating to Satisfaction

I finally realized what eating to satisfied means. Not today, but within the last few months.  I don't always pay attention to it. But I have to. I have to not eat to full. In order to be truly successful with weight loss, you (all of us) need to really pay attention to the satisfaction level.

It is disheartening to know how little food I truly NEED.  Want is another story all together, but the reality is that food is fuel and the amount that we need is miniscule.  If we are honest about it.

And anyone who knows me knows, that I am all about being honest. Brutally so sometimes. Portion distortion is my biggest problem. Even if the foods are core. They aren't to be eaten to excess.

So note to self, watch your portions and your satisfaction levels.

Hypocrisy

Is not a very becoming character trait. And one that I abhor.  So if it is the way "I eat now" then why the fuck is the scale moving up. Oh, wait, because I haven't been practicing what I preach. 

So, there. Now I faced the scale and I have decided that I really need to get back and what a minute, if it is the way I eat then why do I need to get back. i need to not eat like that is what it is. Focus on the veggie's.

Like Jodie said, it isn't rocket science, stop shoveling shit into your mouth and get up off of the couch.  Pretty simple. 

So do it already. You know the drill. it should be easy now that it is

#1 Summertime, less responsibilities

#2 No relationship to worry about

#3 Because it is time.