It's my Friday Bitchez!!

It's really Thursday, but since I don't have to go to work tomorrow it's my Friday. Yee Haw!! So what excitement do I have planned. hah! not too much, I'll tell you that. I'm going to play a stay at home mom and drop the kiddos off at school. Plan my meals for the week. Grocery shop. Head to a library book sale and then take Anthony to Cheesecake to apply for a job. I hope he gets it. He's been down lately. Then it's time to pick the kiddos up and head home.

I'm not sure what we will wind up doing after I get them from school, but I do know one thing. I am not cooking dinner. I'll have to figure that out later as well. I'll be sure to have to plan something fun with Shy.

The weekend has me taking the kids to birthday parties. Oh, yea, and I plan on exercising sometime this weekend. Soon. Really. I will.

Fantasy Island

That must be the world that the Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke is living. The Recession is over??? Really?? Ya think? Not so much in my world buddy.

Don't get me wrong, I'm grateful and blessed to have the job I have and I haven't lost my job. But I know so many who have and the rising prices etc still eat up a lot of my income.

Well, I'm glad good ol' Ben thinks the recession is over. Maybe some should yell at him, "you lie".

I play the victim?? Really??

According to Dr K, that's what I think of myself. Oh, it's something that's been perpetuated since childhood and apparently a source of my emotional eating. The ironic part here is that I can not stand, can. not. stand. people who play the victim. It's infuriating to me when people have the "poor me" attitude or lack accountability. Apparently, mine is deep rooted and obviously covered up by my swagger but it's there nonetheless.

So, what am I going to do about it.

Change my attitude. And work on forgiving myself. I know, if I'm honest about it, I do think at times, "I screwed up", "I won't find anyone so why bother", when I'm pretending that I don't care about relationships. I don't, but I see now, that it isn't for the right reasons. My children are the world to me, but that doesn't mean that I need to put myself on the back burner and not care about myself, because there can be a balance. I can take care of myself and take care of them at the same time.

I've also discovered that I have various facets of my personality. Well, don't we all?? And I don't mean Sybil like facets but I definitely don't feel like the victim. I know that there are times when I am a total hard ass. Also times where I'm a total mushpot. Is that a word?? It is now.

Anyway, I realize this is a lot to take in, hah, for you and for me. My homework this week, forgive myself for not doing/being what I imagined I would be. And for the life I don't have, but rather be grateful for the things I do have.

That and move my ass. Oops, I almost called myself a fat ass, none of that now. I have to be kind to myself. And my moving my butt, I'll accomplish that. Going running/walking today after work.

Saturday in the park

If it doesn't rain again, that is.

Saturday morning is for chores though. Lots of boring chores. Then, I'm heading over to the big library sale with the kids. I get great book sales from our library that way. I'm a bookworm, as you may know, so this is a really cheap and easy way to pick up some great book deals. Plus the kids love to go to the library to get books and movies.

I'll take the girl to the park if it isn't raining although, I just remembered that she has an event at her gym tonight at 630p. I'll probably skip the park today then since we have to go to that.

I'll also head to the grocery store and plan out my meals for the week. I've got the tools I need to succeed, I just need to use them. Implement what's in my head into my day to day life. I'm not letting the number on the scale define me. For the first time ever. I'm also tired of feeling uncomfortable in my own skin, literally and figuratively. It's time to make that change. It's not an all or nothing thing with me. I realize that it's going to take time and that like a child who learns how to walk by taking little steps that I too will have to take little steps along this path that is my life. Rather than ask for help in dealing with the cravings and munchies, I don't want to have them at all. Is it mind over matter? At this point, I'm not sure. I just know that I've come to a place where I really want to be healthy. I'm not getting any younger and this body, imperfect as it is has served me well these 40 years. I'd like it to serve me a lot longer.

My children deserve one parent who will be able to keep up with them. That's me. I will be right there by their side. And by doing so, will teach them the way to eat, the way to live and the way to be happy with themselves.

In other related kid news, Shy can read. Really read. She read Green Eggs and Ham all by herself last night. Maybe she'll start a book review blog.

TGIF BITCHEZ doesn't seem right today

Oh, I'm happy it's Friday, but on Sept 11th I have misgivings writing something like that as my status. This is the day 8 years that changed the course of our history. The changes have been subtle, and some not so subtle. I wonder however, what course we would have had if the winner of the 2000 Presidential election had actually been the President in 2001. Since we elected someone and the Supreme Court appointed someone else the world will never know. Reminds me of those old Tootsie Pop commercials with the owl. But that's the reality.

Instead, here we are 8 years later fighting a war that was supposed to be over in 6 weeks. Why? Well, I've recently learned that why is a very negative type question. We should be asking ourselves what do we want instead. And that is...

not what we have. I want to bring our boys home. I want the change that we voted for. I want the majority of Americans to think as I do. Sadly, that is not the case. Those of you who disagree with me probably don't think it's sad at all. Like I've always said, I am sure that we have more commonalities than differences and I would like to focus on that.

Let's hear it for long weekends

Thankfully, I get Monday off. It's Saturday morning and as I drink my coffee I'm trying to decide what chores I should get cracking on. I've got to vacuum and do laundry. That, the laundry, will take me forever. But I've got to leave at 1130a to go to my ex-husband's baby's first birthday party. Yes, you read that right. My ex, the father of my sons, has another child with his wife. They invited us, the boys of course, but Shy as well. I'll go as it's at a water park and Shy will have a blast. I'm fortunate that I get along well with my ex so it makes it easy to do these sorts of things.

I finished that book by Francine Prose (ironic), Reading Like a Writer: a Guide for People Who Love Books and For Those Who Want To Write Them. It brought some new perspectives.

I'm going to finish The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo this today and start another book. I've about a million that I want to read, so I don't know which one is next. I keep going back and forth.

And yes, I'm starting again to eat right. It's not something I start and stop. So, let me rephrase that then. I'm going to make better food choices today than I did yesterday.

And the stupid teenagers messed up Shy's puzzle. Argh. There should be a public home where teens go to live so they don't drive us all crazy. They can be released when they are 21.

Third person Thursday

I declared it Third Person Thursday, for fun. It's been a long week. My parents were here, and while I enjoy their company it throws off our routine. Since school just started, our routine was just getting set. And then it isn't. But they are leaving in the morning. They don't like to stay that long because it does get somewhat hectic and chaotic at my grandparents house. Hell, I don't want to be there half the time when I pick up the kids each day and that's only for 15 min. God bless them all, though, they really only mean well.

TGIF!! almost. Work was really quiet. The boss man was out of the office and the boss lady had a lot of meetings today. I barely spoke to anyone. I was able to read my book, well, one of the books I'm reading, "Reading Like a Writer" by Francine Prose. I've enjoyed reading and the excerpts from different books have added about 100 books to my TBR list. Seriously. She also breaks down the different aspects of writing, mostly fiction. From character development, to narration to gesture and dialogue. If you like to read and fancy writing a story or two, this book is for you. She gets you to understand how the various authors used vocabulary, paragraph placement for example, to move the story along. This is definitely one that I'll be re-reading again. I checked it out of the library but this one is definitely a book that I will be adding to my reference pile.

The other book I'm reading I have every intention of finishing this weekend. It's fabulous!!

Now we get to what the point of this blog is supposed to be about. The way I eat now. It isn't pretty. At all. BUT, the good news is that I'm like frickin Annie. Tomorrow, Tomorrow!!! I'll diet, tomorrow!! LOL! Ok, not really a diet, but eat the right way. Eat the way I should. Or I just won't eat at all. But I'll document it no matter what. That's my deal with you. Even if you don't want to know it all.

Oh yea. And the podcast that I said I was going to stop listening to because I wasn't getting anything out of it. Yea, I am still. I've come to realize that I don't want food to be my joy. It's only in mouth for like, what 10 min at the most? I want food to be my fuel, not my friend. This is huge. I've been using food as my joy and I need to substitute that with some real joy. Whether it's cultivating friendships, my children or just my own mind, it's got nothing to do with food. I'll be listening to the podcast again tomorrow morning, as I ride the bike.

I'm off to read my book and go to bed. As my favorite literary heroine would say, "Tomorrow is another day."