Two Nights Graze Free

That's what I'm calling it anyway. Since I did have snacks, BUT they were planned snacks and therefore authorized. I'm still working on the *why* I have such a dysfunctional relationship with food, and while I've had a lot of insight lately, this is still ever elusive. It can be any number of things but since it's been going on as far back as I can remember I'm sure it's some kind of Freudian parental thing. I've not always done it, but rather do so in spurts. Or I suppose I should say the times I've not done it have been in spurts, because, if I'm honest about it I've done it more than I haven't. But that's another post.

For this week, I've NOT done it two nights in a row. Which feels absolutely fantastic. I embraced my hunger yesterday as well thinking to myself that hunger is a good thing as it's telling me I'm eating properly. It isn't an emergency and I'll get to eat when I get home.

My recluse lifestyle continues. Which suits me perfectly at this time in my life. I finally feel like I'm getting it together.

As August approaches I have some things to look forward to. My mom is coming to visit, my dad will also be here. I'll probably make a trip to Orlando for the weekend to see my sister and my friend from DC is coming down. All in all a lot to look forward to.

Today's docket isn't especially interesting considering that I kept thinking yesterday was Wednesday. Ugh, this just means that this week is one week longer than I realized. Whatever, it's no big deal other than the fact that I'm at work one more day. Before vaca. Or rather, staycation. I'll imagine we'll do some shopping but I also plan on getting in some fun "tourist" stuff for the kids.

I've got some thought provoking topics that I want to write some posts about but I'm not sure that the name of my blog is correct if I'm going to start doing that, you know?

Just Another Manic Monday

Yesterday morning after getting back from Wal-Mart with Jonathon's laptop we spent a very lazy Sunday morning doing nothing. Jonathon played with his new laptop and was very excited about it.

Shyanne, as you can see, isn't happy not being the center of attention. She also isn't the, "let's laze around and do nothing" type, but I was able to appease her with reading a book or two to her. I think we read an Eric Carle book. He is one of her favorite authors. I love it that my six year old has several favorite authors, that she can name. I love books and reading so much and it seems that the boys only love to read from the computer. Although they will pick up a book a time or two it seems that they just always find other things to do. Shyanne however, wants to be mini me, so there are many times that we are both sitting around with books in our laps.

I made a quick lunch before we headed out. This was some leftover chili that I had, a mix of spring greens and some cucumber. I topped it off with the shredded monteray jack and a couple of spoonfuls of this wonderfully fresh salsa I had left from my farmer's market treck last week.

Even the cat was super lazy this Sunday. I made a stop at Goodwill to drop off some stuff and wanted to go into the Goodwill store only to find that it wasn't there anymore. What the heck happened?? Well, there went one errand, so off I went to the library to drop off some books and pick some more up. Shyanne wound up with a lot more books than I and we rented Marley & Me. Jonathon had read that book and I thought for sure he would want to see the movie but he doesn't. He explained it this way, "when you read a book, you feel what you are reading. And yes it's sad, but it's in your mind. When you watch a movie, you actually see what is happening and so you feel it and see it and that makes it much sadder." Wise words from a 12 year old.

Dinner was easy. Bubble Up Pizza Casserole with some broccoli thrown in. The kids loved it. I used TVP in lieu of the ground beef. And reduced fat biscuits. You can find the recipe on Heather's site.

I ended my Sunday in typical fashion, watching Entourage. It's my Sunday night ritual. That and the Next Food Network Star show. After all day reading Jane Austen, my mind needed a little rest.

Mondays aren't that bad for me, as I have discussed previously. Right now I'm drinking coffee and then I've got to get ready for work. The kids and I have eye Dr. appointments this afternoon and then I get to come home rather than going back to work. I've marked out a pilates routine to do and a stability ball routine to do as my exercise for the day. Let's see if I get it done. I think there's some kind of self-deprecating joke in the offing here, but I'm only one cup of coffee in so I can't quite come up with it. Anything I say will sound lame.

In other completely related news. Weigh in is tomorrow. Just another reason to thoroughly hate Tuesdays.

Early Sunday

The dog doesn't realize it's Sunday and her barking was my alarm clock this morning. She wanted to go out and since she didn't do all of her business last night, I knew that she had to go. So I stumbled out of bed and took her. She rewarded me by promptly doing her thing. I'm up early this morning as I'm headed to Wal-Mart at 8am. They have a Compaq laptap on sale for $300 and I definitely want to see if I can snatch one up for the younger two kiddos. It'll mainly be my middle son's but I know that my daughter will want to use it as well.

I know that the name of this is "It's the Way I Eat Now" but to be truthful there hasn't been anything to report there. I haven't been eating the way I should. I am still snacking way too much at night. It's a binge to me, but it isn't an all out crazy kind of binge. Hah, even when I am out of control I try to have control. I've been thinking of changing the name to accurately reflect what it is that I'm talking about here.

I do need coffee, desperately. I stayed up watching the last two episodes of Nurse Jackie on Showtime and the last Weeds episode. Nurse Jackie is such a funny show. I love it. Edie Falco does an amazing job and really shows her acting skills as this character is so different than Carmela Soprano. Which I also watched the end of Season 4 this weekend. Today, after Walmart I plan on watching some Mad Med, Season 2. I'm also going to make some headway in Mansfield Park and decide on another book to read after that one. It'll be a light hearted chick lit one I'm sure.

the Green drink frenzy

I follow several blogs and have quite a few friends who are foodies and I have to say I'm quite perplexed by the Greens Phenomenon that seems to be overtake the blog-o-sphere. When I was dating the last boyfriend, he drank greens on a daily basis. But he was, and is for all I know, searching for the fountain of youth. I tried it once, or three times. And wanted to immediately projectile vomit whatever hadn't been digested yet.

Oh.my.god. That stuff is wicked gross. So, I don't know why or how others get it down. I mean, I suppose, I know why, it's got lots of great stuff in it. Call me crazy, I'd rather cook and eat my greens than drink them with milk et al.

This is my personal opinion and in no way reflects that of current management.

I've disappeared for a week

I've been out the last week and haven't written but not because there hasn't been stuff to tell, but rather because I've been so busy that I've not wanted to rattle off some half-assed post.

Last weekend was my book splurge weekend. I found lots and lots of book on sale at the various library sales and my used book store.

So, when Shyanne wanted to go to the pool, I grabbed a book and went. Wow, I hadn't realized how it is has been during the day since I'm inside the majority of the day. Being outside really wilted my energy. That sun is so hot. Sunday was errand day.

During the week, I found out that Jonathon has extremely high blood sugar, borderline diabetic and if he doesn't get his eating habits, and therefore his weight, under control, he will be one very soon. My 12 year old son therefore, has a prescription to join weight watchers. The Dr. said it is the most sound plan out there and really teaches the right way to eat. Well, duh, I know this. I figure if my Jon can do this, there really is no excuse for me, right?

Well, except I have now started hiding what I eat. Ok, the oldest busted me the other night. Jon comes home tonight and I'm really going to jump on this with him. I can do anything if it's for my kids.

I've got nothing exciting going on this weekend other than dinner tonight with a friend and our kids. We'll need to pick someplace cheap because I've only got about $95 in my weekend budget and I need to get groceries with that. Fortunately, I only need about $40 worth of stuff so I should be ok.

I'll tell you, I've had to really stick to my budget.

I've also had some really great insight into what I want to do when I grow up and it involves taking a negative event and turning it into positive action on my part. More to come on that.

Dating wise, I have no prospects and have come to a place where I really don't want any. This in and of itself is shocking, but I really don't even go out and about anymore nor do I want to. Not even when I am out doing mundane things do I even think about meeting anyone. I'm at a really good place in my life and I don't want or need anything different.

It isn't all about me

I've come to the conclusion that the things I've gone through in my life aren't and don't necessarily have to be something that I need to learn for my life. Perhaps the things I 've learned and the experiences I've had are to ensure that my children are successful and relatively functional. I haven't always made the best decisions, shocking I know, when it comes to spending time or being maternal. BUT, I always want the best for them and I've come to realize that it's time the gauntlet gets passed.

I will not make the mistakes of my parents and I will play an active, integral role in my children's lives. If that's what my life is about then I'm ok with that. Would I like to have a relationship and someone to share my life with. Sure, but I'm thinking that perhaps that is not supposed to come to fruition until I'm done with the main purpose of my life and that's to get my kids to adulthood and have them be successful. It's gratification that I'm willing to delay.

I had a pastry for breakfast. I know, not the best choice, but it was there. And that with coffee went down smoothly. I'm off to the library sale and then to some used bookstores and consignment stores. Afterwards lunch with my princess and perhaps a stop at Walmart for some toiletries. I'll be sure to take pic's of lunch.

What are some good books you've read lately?

I think I might be addicted to books

The situation with my schooling has me in a very sad and depressed state this morning. I keep trying to look for positives in this. And I do have some options, they just aren’t what I wanted to do long term. I’ll go to Broward College on Monday to figure out my options, but I’m leaning towards completing the Legal Assistant program. It’s not law school, but it’s something.

It’s amazing to me how they can get away with something that is illegal and unethical. And me, the small man on the totem pole has to be David to their Goliath. I feel like Don Quixote at times. Wow, two literary analogies in one paragraph. I must work on that. Perhaps I’m looking at this the wrong way. This enables me to concentrate on what I really want to do and that is write.

My breakfast today was a replay of yesterday minus the eggs and spinach

Well, the good news is our VP of HR is willing to write a letter to Keiser along with my CFO stating that they did indeed prepay my classes. The Dr Evil Incarnate has said that he would be willing to re-consider his decision if they did this.

I had a great lunch. The company more so that the food. Went to Moe’s and I had the vegetarian quesadilla. I DI NOT EAT THE TORTILLA CHIPS!!!!! This was huge, because I started to mindlessly nibble on them as I was talking with my friend and caught myself after like two. Then we went to Border’s because I needed to get Mansfield Park for my Face-Book club. I got that and this:

I paid $20 for the whole lot of them, so how could I resist. Dr. K may have something to say about it, but still. It’s better than eating the tortilla chips. A couple of them are just books that look to be in the genre that I enjoy. One of them is a book about NASCAR and I’ve wanted to read it for quite some time now. The other, The Family Fortune has on the cover, “a radiant re-telling of Jane Austen’s Persuasion. How in the world could I resist that when it only cost me $3. Besides, I cleared out a shopping bag full of books from my shelves. So, I do have the room. I also resisted getting the Girl with the Dragon Tattoo. I have wanted to read that book for some time now and two people while I was paying was telling me HOW good that book is. Oy. Maybe my used book store will have it. They sell the books for ½ off the list price. If not, I’ll wait until Border’s gets a 40% coupon. Ooh, but I did just find it on Amazon for $8. Free shipping if I spend $25 or more. I shall deliberate over the weekend. Actually, I’ll see if I can find it for cheaper and if so, then I will get it, if not then sold to Amazon. Er, purchased from. Never mind the auctioneer metaphor doesn’t really fit here.

OMG!!! I just looked up the NI for my quesadilla. Thank fricken God I only ate of that. How the hell was that thing 600 calories. Are you fucking kidding me?????

*****PSA ALERT***** Look up the NI BEFORE you order and eat you r lunch.

I’ll be having celery and carrots sticks for dinner thank you very much to Moe the Bastard.

Right after I have this for a snack.

I couldn't resist. This was made by one of my coworkers who makes the best chocolate chip cookies in the world. So I had one.

volumetrics Rita-style

I’m going to make an effort to eat unprocessed foods. And in the spirit of this I have a completely different breakfast than yesterday. I had a bagel and coffee yesterday. I know that this doesn’t satisfy me, and yet, I’m still drawn to the yeasty chewy baked good. I add a little butter spritz and some sugar free orange marmalade. I enjoy it, but if I’m honest with myself, it totally doesn’t really satisfy me after I’ve finished it and it definitely doesn’t hold me until lunch time. That breakfast clocks in at 400 calories (including the creamer in my coffee).

My breakfast today as you can see is significantly higher in volume. It also clocks in and 400 calories. UNBELIEVABLE that the calorie counts are the same. Look at the significant amount of food I’m eating. AND it’s mostly unprocessed with the exception of the Ezekiel cereal which is a whole grain and relatively unprocessed cereal choice. Plus, I’m not using it as the crux of my meal but rather as a condiment. The spinach and eggs are a way to get in protein and a veggie for 80 calories. I may be out of control at night, but I’m going to do everything I can to be in control during the day. Speaking of control, I was satisfied after the eggs and yogurt, so the banana will be relegated to the snack pile if I would like one later. Now, I want to pay attention to when I get hungry again. This is a crucial observation and stepping stone for me. Next time I will ask myself, yea, this bagel is good, but do I want to be hungry again in an hour. The bagel isn’t bad, it just isn’t a great choice for me. There will be days and times where I choose it, but I’ll be armed with the knowledge that I’m going to get hungry again and can plan accordingly.

It’ll be a relatively quiet and slow day at work since the bosses are in back to back meetings literally all day. I don’t actually enjoy it when my day is slow as it tends to drag on and on. A slow and quiet day also amplifies the not-so-dulcet tones of my neighbor. Apparently, she missed the memo on how to use your inside voice in an office setting. Perhaps there is a seminar out there for this. For those of you who know me IRL, I know you are sitting there thinking, Hello Pot, kettle much?? But truly, at work, I’ve focused on speaking in a low tone as I don’t want the world to know my business. That’s what this blog is for.

I’m also midway through the summer and have yet to consistently wake at 5a and go for a walk. Hell, I’ve yet to consistently do anything other than clean, read and spend time with the kiddos. Not that those are bad things to be consistent on, I’ve just got to get moving in the morning. I did decide that I’m definitely going to listen to those two podcasts I talked about in the morning. Which means that my early morning exercise is either going to be a walk for an hour or a bike ride for an hour. Either are great choices. If I can just get myself out of bed and out the door.

Something else that came to me the other day, Ex BF did me a tremendous favor by breaking up. Honestly, I was, as I usually do, putting myself on the backburner for the sake of the relationship, not that anyone was asking me to, I just do this and I don’t want to be that person anymore. I got myself in motion and am awaiting notification if my transcripts situation is going to be cleared up. I should know by tomorrow. If so, then I’m going to be eligible to register for school in Aug. HUZZAH!!! I know I still have a long road, but so what. This time is going to pass anyway.

So, I’ve come up with a new game plan. Rather than constantly butting my head against the wall of not snacking at night while I’m watching tv, I’m going to try and live within my patterns and use them for positive gain. If I’m struggling and fighting eating at night, then let’s delay dinner until then. I’ll delay my snack at work until 430p. I never eat a big, heavy dinner so rather than eating immediately upon getting home, I’m going to settle in and exercise, ride bike etc. Spend time with the kids. And when I sit down to watch tv at 830-9p then I’ll eat dinner. I realize that many “experts” will be uber-critical of this strategy but I don’t really give a rat’s ass. This is my journey. If I can take what is and has been a negative behavior and somehow switch it so that it becomes positive (eating with my caloric limits) then that’s what I’ll do. I’ve never been conventional so why start now.

I’m really excited to try this out as I’ve been monitoring and analyzing my behavior patterns and actually using that to make improvements and find solutions feels very productive and positive to me.

Double Dipping a bad idea

For chips and dip

for bikini waxing

this was on the news today. They did a segment about the "dangers" of bikini waxing.

Tales from the scale. I'm up again. I took a picture of myself in my skivvies and am really determined to do this. It was mentioned to me yesterday that maybe I'm ok with myself at this weight. I think what's happened is that I'm ok with me. Whether I'm this weight or not. I'm ok with who I am. Finally, for the first time in 40 years. This doesn't make me happy about my weight though, this just means that I don't hate myself because of it.

It's Tuesday. Which means I get to start again. It's going to be a good week, I can feel it. I've got a low key day planned, work and I've planned out my meals for the day. I'll do the 30 Day Shred when I get home. Breakfast is cereal w/fruit. I seriously cannot wait until I finish this cereal. I know that it doesn't fill me up but I'm trying to spend as little as possible at the grocery store. I spent $77 this past weekend and it was mostly stuff for the kids, and Anthony for the week. Lunch is leftover Shrimp Feta over Brown Rice Stix. I love these things. They are like 50 calories per serving. And it's a significant serving too. Super easy to make and cook. I found them in the rice/grain aisle at Whole Foods. I'll take a picture next time as I'll be headed to Whole Foods this weekend.

Dinner is going to be rice and red beans congri. I'll have to figure out something to go along with it, but I have some veggie burgers that I can along with it on a thin. Ooh, I also have roasted corn and tomato salad which was really, really good. This was easy, diced a fresh tomato, roasted a couple of ears of corn on the grill. Mix together and spritz w/some balsamic vinaigrette.

I've also stayed true to my no book purchases until I've read 5. That 5 doesn't include the books that I've borrowed from April. However, I'm almost done with Steve Harvey's Act Like a Lady, Think like a Man so that brings me to 3. Two more and I can justify the books I bought the other weekend. It was a book purchase loan. LOL

I guess I should post the shrimp recipe but I've got to get ready for work. I'll do it tonight. Have a great day everyone.

You're Poking me? Seriously?

I haven't heard from Ex BF in a week. And then he pokes me on FB? Really. Now, I know you are probably wondering why I don't delete him from my friends list. I'm sure there's a multitude of reasons that Dr K will uncover over the next few sessions. I've thought about it, but I'm nosy. Although, I'm finding I care less and less.

And then the idiot sends me a poke.

Clueless. It isn't just for Alician Silverstone and blondes anymore.

Procrastination

I'm the world's biggest procrastinator. Especially when it comes to things I just don't want to do. I roll it around in my mind and make it much bigger than what it is. Take for example cleaning the cat box. If I just DO IT it literally take 5-6 minutes. I know because I timed it. But I think about doing it for days and days. wasting a lot of mental energy, much more so than necessary. Same thing with emptying the dishwasher and putting the dishes away. Literally took 5 minutes, but I debated doing it for much longer than that.

I've read the Fly Lady website and love her idea of 15 min. Set a timer and do anything for 15 min. Using this and NOT procrastinating I was able to complete the Saturday chores by 9am.

Quite a random topic for a blog that's supposed to be about my struggles with weight. But, it does have relevance. Because I procrastinate losing weight for reasons mentioned in previous blogs. Just do it and I'd be done. With the losing part anyway. I realize that this is a lifelong journey and changing my habits is a more about changing my lifestyle than it is about the number on the scale. But either way, I'm procrastinating. When I pitter around and waste more time thinking about it and reading about it. I hate to quote Nike, but I think they got it right when they said, Just Do It.

In other random news, my word of the day is ineffectual.

Sunday Restful Sunday

Positive Intent

Even negative behavior has a positive intent behind it. So if the two forces within ourselves, the “I’m going to exercise and be fit and healthy and thin” persona and the “but this food is a comfort and I deserve a break” are at constant odds, find out what the positive intent is behind the persona that is keeping me fat. That has me under exercise and not eat properly. What is that positive intent? What could I be benefiting from, even if I don’t realize it.

For me, at least this is what I came up with was that its keeping me a better mom. I have absolutely no desire to go out and do anything adult related when I’m at this weight. And eating and staying home are ways to ensure that I spend time with my children. I see how my 17 year old was and is so resentful of the time I was doing single stuff when he was 12-14 and I don’t want the same issues with my middle child. Maybe I’m afraid that if I lose this weight and get thin again the call to go out and have fun will be too much to resist and I’ll just repeat the same pattern with my middle child. So maybe in a subconscious way I’m self sabotaging so I can be a better mother.

I’ll have to figure out a way to substitute this behavior. So maybe I’ll include him on my exercise jaunts, since he needs to lose weight as well. I’ll also institute Jon and me time so that he can get one on one with me.

I’ve managed to finish all of my chores, except the daily load of laundry. So, I’ll have this entire Sunday to rest and relax. I’ve got an almost empty checking account since payday isn’t until Wednesday, so it’ll be a low spend kind of Sunday. I’ll spend some time with the kids, go to the pool or play a little tennis later. I’ve also got some meals to prepare for the upcoming week. Shrimp and feta is on the menu as is a grilled corn and tomato salad. I made vegetable soup yesterday and have wheatberries on hand to toss into my oatmeal, yogurt and soup. I’ve also GOT to make smoothies, I have SO much frozen food in the freezer.

I got up and walked 60 min today. Which is really nothing, but it’s what I felt like doing. So, I did it. While listening to a podcast, Fat2FitRadio, one of the things that they mentioned when it comes to self sabotage was that it was because we felt that we didn’t deserve to be thin. Since Lois is the Queen of beating me up, I imagine that I’ve got some of that going on internally as well.

Lots to think about. I’m off to have coffee., and I’m not yet hungry for breakfast.

Chore Day Saturday

I got up and ran, well walked/ran today and it felt good to do. I also kind of forced myself to eat breakfast because by 930a I still wasn’t hungry but I didn’t want to let this throw my “schedule” off AND I know that you are supposed to eat breakfast.

I had cereal that I’m trying to finish up because I’m not just trying to eat healthy and normally, but I’m also trying to do it on a budget. Breakfast is going to be the box of cereal that I have until it’s finished. I only had a half of a gallon of milk left and my kids can go through that in a day so I didn’t want to use it, but I did notice that I had some blueberries that I had defrosted as well as a vanilla ff yogurt and that was breakfast along with my coffee. This week I’ve been using espresso in my regular coffee maker. It was on sale and it makes a really tasty coffee. The flavors are strong and there’s depth to it but it isn’t too strong or bitter which has been the case for me for some of the stronger finer grinds, especially starbucks.

I’ve already cleaned both baths, vacuumed and finished the laundry. This means I get to relax the rest of the weekend. Whoo Hoooo

I’ve been listening to this podcast as I walk/run called Inside Out Weight Loss and I find that it’s been great therapy for me. She focuses on the internal, the mental and the emotional aspect of why we are overweight and how we can overcome ourselves to become the person we want to be. I agree with most of what she says except I need and want to be ok with me and who I am regardless of the number on the scale.

In any event, many of her lessons are quite relevant and I’ve been doing the exercises that she prescribes. Today it was seeing and stepping into the person that you want to be. And trying to reconcile the fact that you won’t and can’t eat donuts and sit on the coach and become that person. Those things just don’t work hand in hand together. In addition to this visualization exercise today she wanted us to try to feel in our center WHY we haven’t become this person. Because if we wanted to be that person with all of our being then we would be that person. Obviously, there is something within me that is holding me back. That was the homework, to try and determine WHAT holds us back. It’s in there, in our center, not our foot or hand. She literally recommends that we feel what part of our body is holding us back and identifying that emotion that emanates from that body part. It can’t be a hand or foot because our emotions come from our center. AND if we think its our hand or foot, this, according to her theory, shows us how disconnected we are with our emotions and we need to really think about what it is that holds us back. Is it fear? Is it as simple as that we want to have a party in our mouth and don’t want to give that up? Or do we overeat for some emotional reason? Comfort, sadness or anger? Or is it that we are just wired by our mom, grandmother etc that food equals acceptance.

I’ve found so far that I’ve got a combination going on inside of me. I definitely don’t eat when I’m sad, I’ve discovered that much. I’ve also discovered some other patterns. I’d like to work on the resolving of these issues at some time and enough with the discovery process..

One other thing that she mentioned was that there are people who believe that if we didn’t have this particular problem, we would just have a different problem, because people always have issues, right? I don’t know about that, I just know that I’ve become more accepting of who I am. And yes, there is always going to be something, but it doesn’t mean that it’s a crisis.

I’ve brought up a lot of questions, I’d love to hear what your thoughts are for you on these.

Wacky Wednesday

Ok, it wasn't. But I couldn't think of anything witty and clever to write. My breakfast. It was pretty good, but I discovered that yet again, cereal does not fill me up. However, I think I may have discovered (ok, discovered for me) one of the best flavor combinations ever to pass by my taste buds. Blueberry and banana. Wow, it was seriously a party in my mouth. The banana looked spotted but it was ok inside. Hope my grandfather went and bought some more though, because I'm sure that by tomorrow they will be too brown to eat. I don't like them all that ripe.

I've started checking my hunger on the hour and I wasn't hungry until 1130. Which was crazy since I ate breakfast at 9a. Seriously, cereal, while I like it, does not keep me satisfied. BUT, I have a whole box of it at home and I refuse to eat anything else for breakfast until I finish it.

At 12:15, yes, somehow I managed to hold off until then I had the plate below. It's Day 5 of month end and that is when the department orders lunch in. It was from Panera so I had the salad below as well as a piece of their bread. I love their bread, so I couldn't resist. I counted it.

I also had a piece of quiche that was camera shy. It was crustless and I had a bunch of veggies in it.

I was hungry at 3p and I got busy at work so before you knew it it was 4pm. Yea!! I managed to make it to snack time. I know I've said that I'm going to eat when hungry and stop when I'm full but I really really think my hunger meter is not working properly so I really make myself wait until a minimum of three hours. Four is preferable, however, I'll take what I can get. This is Day three of me being OP. Yea, imagine that. So my snack was yogurt w/blueberries

this was so good. I had a cracker too when I went to pick up the kids. Which is ok.

I just rode the bike for 3 minutes. Now I'm off to eat dinner, whole wheat pasta w/broccoli and a ricotta sauce w/grilled tilapia.

I'll leave you with this. I was reading a magazine at lunch and there was a study done that shows that women who binge drink have a greater risk of getting an STD. Are you fucking kidding me? They could have paid me to conduct that study and I could have told them that. This wins the Captain Obvious statement of the day. And here's another clue, it isn't the extra alcohol that gives the an STD, it's the drunk sex that they have with random people they pick up in a bar. THAT's what puts them at a greater risk. DOH!

The Halls of Justice

They are awful quiet. I got up and the butt crack of dawn as I had to serve on Jury Duty today. Considering I haven't been called in ten years, I suppose I shouldn't complain. However, 730a is awful early to be downtown when I live on the eastern edge of the Everglades.

Needless to say, the little ones stayed at Nanny's so I wouldn't have to fuss with them in the early morning light. I got myself to courthouse on time, I know this must shock those of you who know me. But there area few things that I will be on time for. My job, well, duh, because they pay me and I have rather become attached to electricity and having a roof over my head. And anything having to do with the legal system. I have respect for this system of ours, no matter how flawed it is and no matter how crooked some people are, I still will always have respect for the process, our country and all that this entails.

So, this means doing my civic duty and not trying to shirk it whenever possible. A bowl of cereal at the ungodly hour of 630am was my breakfast, with some soy milk and coffee. Not my regular dose of coffee either which means, I was yawning by 10am. I also was hungry by then, but since I had no cash on me I couldn't buy anything from the cafeteria. They dismissed us for lunch at like 1120a and I went across the street to this cute little organic cage. It's run by two Russian women and a really high strung man. The Russians ladies paid him no attention though as they made my hummus and feta sandwich on panini bread with tomatoes, onions, romaine lettuce, spinach, cucumbers and carrots. This served with home made potato chips. Which were really homemade, peeled right here in this little place. Of course, I had them all.

Oh, and how could I have forgotten. I'm down another pound. That makes three weeks in a row. When I'm doing nothing other than some intermittent exercise and eating when hungry and stopping when not. Some, ok, ok, a lot of the things I am eating aren't exactly on the top ten superfood list, and to be honest I've gone occasionally past the satisfied marker. But I'm still losing. This gives me yet more motivation to keep on keeping on. That and I'd like to have hot sex with a certain someone but won't until I feel a little better about myself. Oh, don't get me wrong, and save me the "he should like you the way you are" speech, because I don't give a shit about what he thinks. I want to swing from chandeliers and the only way I can do that is if I feel better about my body.

Yes, I realize that I'm doing it backwards and doing it for the wrong reasons, as my therapist sagely pointed out yesterday, but whatever. I'm working on what I can do. And this is something I can do. So I will.

Did I mention I ran yesterday? I thoroughly enjoyed it as well. I always forget how running just to run makes me feel. Like it doesn't matter what my time is, how how many miles I go. It's just so mind soothing to get out there and go.

What do you like to do that clears you mind and centers you?

Monday don't suck for me

Well, my laptop is back to normal, THANK GOD. No, I wasn't able to get my pictures back or my documents that I lost, but it's back to working and I was able to get all my music back, which is good. I know, know, know I am going to have a gain tomorrow. I ate so much over this past week that I'm sure it'll go up. But that's not going to get me down.

I had a great session today, I'll go into it in more depth tomorrow but the bottom line is I've been able to identify some patterns. I'm still doing things for the wrong reason, but she loved the idea of the 15 minute time out. I went and ran 3 miles today here's the biggest thing...I stayed on plan ("OP") all day today. It's the first day that I've been OP all day in a very long while. I feel so good about this! You have no idea.

I've got to get to bed because I have jury duty tomorrow and I have to be at the court house at 730a and the traffic, even at that time is bound to be horrible. So I'm going to bed now, but I'll be sure to bring the camera tomorrow as well as the laptop. Hopefully I'll be able to blog from the courthouse.

Computer Problems

My hard drive crashed on Tuesday and I lost all of my pictures. I have them a lot of them on my Facebook but, the resolution isn't close to the originals.  I've had it repaired but I think that they didn't install the proper RAM as I had 1G and I think they only put in 512. Thus my running really slow on yahoo and other sites. Ugh. I go back tomorrow so hopefully it'll be fixed.

I've not been eating to any plan other than eating when I'm hungry and stopping when I'm not. I just have all I can handle trying to work on my emotional state and not allow myself to fall into a state of depression.  Not that I am or that I am close to that. But I've been struggling a little lately.

I found out that the ex-DBF had dated someone else while we were dating. I asked and he honestly answered.  I don't know why I let this bother me, and honestly, I knew that this was the case, but still.  And the funny thing, he wants his cake and to eat it too. It's up to me whether I allow it or not.  I won't. I can't. That would make me crazy, the knowing. But as someone said to me, there is a reason people are in the past, there is a reason why they came into your life. Leave the "why" in the past with them because by allowing it to be in your present then you are allowing them control over your life. And I definitely don't want to do that.

I'm at a place right now, where my daughter needs me 24/7 and I'll get my adult time in when I can and not at her expense. She's 6 for one year only and they grow so fast. I don't want to miss a second, definitely not because of someone who isn't worthy of it. And he isn't. At all.