I've disappeared for a week

I've been out the last week and haven't written but not because there hasn't been stuff to tell, but rather because I've been so busy that I've not wanted to rattle off some half-assed post.

Last weekend was my book splurge weekend. I found lots and lots of book on sale at the various library sales and my used book store.

So, when Shyanne wanted to go to the pool, I grabbed a book and went. Wow, I hadn't realized how it is has been during the day since I'm inside the majority of the day. Being outside really wilted my energy. That sun is so hot. Sunday was errand day.

During the week, I found out that Jonathon has extremely high blood sugar, borderline diabetic and if he doesn't get his eating habits, and therefore his weight, under control, he will be one very soon. My 12 year old son therefore, has a prescription to join weight watchers. The Dr. said it is the most sound plan out there and really teaches the right way to eat. Well, duh, I know this. I figure if my Jon can do this, there really is no excuse for me, right?

Well, except I have now started hiding what I eat. Ok, the oldest busted me the other night. Jon comes home tonight and I'm really going to jump on this with him. I can do anything if it's for my kids.

I've got nothing exciting going on this weekend other than dinner tonight with a friend and our kids. We'll need to pick someplace cheap because I've only got about $95 in my weekend budget and I need to get groceries with that. Fortunately, I only need about $40 worth of stuff so I should be ok.

I'll tell you, I've had to really stick to my budget.

I've also had some really great insight into what I want to do when I grow up and it involves taking a negative event and turning it into positive action on my part. More to come on that.

Dating wise, I have no prospects and have come to a place where I really don't want any. This in and of itself is shocking, but I really don't even go out and about anymore nor do I want to. Not even when I am out doing mundane things do I even think about meeting anyone. I'm at a really good place in my life and I don't want or need anything different.

How was humpday

I realized a couple of things yesterday in therapy. I'm really in a good place. I recognize the potential red flags and am doing the things I need to do to take care of me. I've become accepting of who I am right now. That doesn't mean I don't want to change my behaviors or my weight, but I am who I am. And if you can't deal with that then that is your problem not mine. I'm pretty much over being anxious about my relationship with people or food. My goal each day is to do better than yesterday. I also have specific things to accomplish this goal and they change from day to day. My plan is to build on baby steps and eventually those baby steps will become routine.

I ate on plan yesterday. My exercise goals are to do something every other day. If I do more, then great, but if not that's ok too. I'd like to have a more specific routine at some point but I'm trying to develop fitness habits that I stick to. When I was training for the half, I had no problem sticking to a workout routine, but that ended once I ran the half. So, I'm going to develop a routine that I can stick to regardless of what my other fitness goals, long or short term, become.

I've been counting calories because I've really had a hard time sticking to anything else. Even WW hasn't been particularly appealing and I figure as long as I know what my caloric intake is and the fact that I'm eating mostly filling foods (WW terminology) that I'm making baby steps towards getting that relatively under control as well.

My friend M and I have decided to try this fat plan that she has and that when she was doing properly worked. Well of course it did. It was basically filling foods and burning more than what you take in. But it's a different kind of plan and since it's something new appeals to me. Plus, we are going text or call whenever we feel like eating off plan. I have that with Christie too and I think that having another person available to me for accountability will help. I have a lot of friends who I know I can count on for support and I am really thankful for that.

My mom's here under next week so I've been getting home late everyday as I bring my dinner over there to eat with them. I'll probably do that again today. I did eat past satisfaction yesterday, however I'm not going to let Lois talk bad to me, like she started to before bed time. My therapist's goal for me is to banish Lois forever. I hadn't seen her in awhile, but she did show up last night. I did tell her to go to hell. Yes, I ate too much, but it wasn't chips. So, I'll think about why I ate so much and try to learn something from it. My take, there were really no veggies with that meal.

Time always flies in the morning. I'm out.

Today, I woke up early and rode the bike.

A funny thing happened on the way to the scale.

I gained 2.6 pounds.  And I know I said in my last post that I was starting anew again. Hah!! That didn't even last through the post. I obviously didn't start a new. Is that one word or two?  I mean, it comes up correct through spell/grammar check as ok both ways so who's to say?  Anyway, I digress, I obviously didn't start a new with eating as I'm up 2.6. 

But, my mind is in a much better place than I have been, gosh, I want to say forever. Seriously, I'm at peace with myself and who I am.  I need to lose 15 pounds. I'd like to lose 20 and I'd like to really lose 25 but you know what, I'm going to be realistic and if 15 is a comfortable weight for me and is a healthy weight, than do I really need to stress about those other 10. I mean, if I'm ok with it then who cares what other people are doing or weighing.  I can't really think about those any way as I should probably lose the first 15 before I do. You know?  I've let that number strangle me and determine that I can't do this. I can only do 15, not the whole 25 so why bother at all.  That's the all or nothing thinking again.  I must not do that. I haven't this past week and it's definitely contributed to my peace of mind. I'm convinced.  

Another thing is my decision to not stress about my relationship.  I know that part of my ability to let go of trying to control it is to put up an emotional barrier. I'm working on that.  But honestly, that has allowed me to be completely nonchalant about the whole thing. And I mean that in a good way. Even though we haven't said the words, I can honestly say that I've developed deep feelings for this man.  I won't say it before he does, I just can't, but I suppose I have felt it before he does, but I'm not acting out, emotionally or impulsively because while that initial feeling is great, it's only great if it's mutual. If it isn't then it's neurotic and not a good feeling at all. For either one of the people in the relationship.

I had a couple of people ask me what was wrong, that I'm so calm and mellow and that they like the exuberant Rita and my response was, after some thought, there is absolutely nothing wrong. I'm in a pretty good place. The exuberance that others enjoy is almost always followed by a low that they don't see. But that I experience and I don't want to go through those drastic high's and low's.  It isn't healthy, at least not for me. So, I'm still fun, I'm just not manic about it. Which, for me, is huge.

In other somewhat related news, I've decided that I'm going to go off the pill. I don't like the effects of it, other than the reduced monthly flow.  I want to see if that helps with the weight loss. Although, I just had a thought, what if the serenity I feel now is because of the hormones of the pill. Will I lose that? Who knows.

I know this is a food blog and I'm sure you're wondering where the food pictures are. Well, there hasn't been anything worth photographing, unless the box of crackers is blog worthy. They aren't so I haven't bothered.  I'm not freaking out about the gain.  This is huge for me, as in the past I would immediately not eat for the rest of the day and probably take laxatives.  I won't do this anymore.  I know what I ate, I wrote most of it down. And I also know what I didn't write down, so, I happily take my gain because I'm going to look at the positive and think, I'm going to have a tremendous loss next week.

And so it goes.

The second half of Memorial Day

This went about as bad as it could.

I did get a lot of my errands done. But when I came home and started cutting up watermelon I cut the crap out of my thumb. Needed stitches but didn't feel like waiting around and paying $100 for about 3-4 stitches so I had my aunt come and bandage it.  

Then while I was sleeping, my DS (17 w/o) decided to get arrested and he spent the majority of Monday in the Juvenile Assessment Center.  And now has a court date on july 2. Smack in the middle of when I was supposed to go on vacation.

Apparently, I have a boyfriend in name only. At least that is how it feels.  He didn't want to come over at all on Memorial Day, and then is going out of town for work during the week. Obviously isn't making any effort to come over this weekend, as evidenced by the comment that his mom and brother are coming to see him. He has the kids, since we've all spent time together I would have imagined that we would have made plans. Nope. Not a mention, not even when I made a comment about not seeing him until June. Because after this weekend it's Shy's birthday and I'm then going to Orlando/Daytona for the following weekend.  

I've always said it. If a guy is interested, then they make the time. As he did initially, and up to now.  Now, he isn't and I can only go by that he just must not be that into me. I realize he's dealing with a lot and I'm understanding to a point. But honestly, I've seen this movie before.

So, fine, I will go about and do my thing. If he wants to come along that's fine. Although, to be honest even though he knows my children, I'm hesitant to let him be around them anymore or to be around his anymore. I don't want to get attached or let my daughter become more attached than she is. Thankfully, she hasn't mentioned it or asked other than to talk about the day we all hung out. Such a shame, she had a such a good time too.

Obviously, I'm being negative Nancy about this relationship, but like I've said, I've been here before. I can see the writing on the wall. What an idiot. His loss.

This didn't really discuss any food.  Other than the watermelon that I almost lost a thumb for. It was good.  Otherwise, I've been eating like shit and I haven't worked out at all. I wanted to get up early today to do a work out, but staying up until 1am watching Sex and the City reruns isn't conducive to that.

Shy is sick, again. So my Aunt will take her to the doc. I think it's an ear infection. Since that is what she started complaining about last night.

Ugh, I gotta go get ready for work. I hope for some more positive posts tonight.

Memorial Day Weekend

I guess this is technically the middle of the weekend since I have, with most of America, have Monday off.  

I spent all of yesterday cleaning my apartment and doing laundry. I did manage to make dinner for all of us. I cleaned the refrigerator, literally. I cleaned the shelves and it looks so much better in there now.  Of course, I have no pictures, because I just realized that the battery on my camera died. So I'm charging it now. And trying to get some motivation to get up and get the day going.  Yesterday, I got up and got moving at 8a. YES, on a Saturday. I was really determined to get all of the cleaning done, and I did. That includes cleaning the baseboards and dusting everything. I even took apart the burners on the stove.  So when it was all said and done, I spent the evening with the Sopranos. I'm almost done with Season 3. I've saw the last couple of seasons so it's been very enjoyable watching it from the beginning.  

Today on tap: I have several errands to run. Including returning the Hydroxycut that I bought and has since been recalled. Dropping off a bunch of stuff at Goodwill and doing some shopping. Not too much, because I'm trying to eat my cabinets bare. That is going to make for some interesting meal's I'm sure. I will replenish the perishables, once I've finished what I have.  right now I have ff yogurt, ff ricotta, a block of tempeh, mango cut up, cantaloupe cut up , a pear, four apples, carrots, spaghetti squash,  applesauce, 3 eggs, some onions, a sweet potato,  a tomato, and four ears of corn.  I'm thinking that I'll mix in the mango w/some granola and yogurt for lunch.  I'll conjure up something with this I'm sure. I've got some frozen items as well as a plethora of grains and beans, so it shouldn't be too hard to use this up. Once all the fresh veggies are gone, I'll get more.

I'm not sure if I'll see DBF this weekend. He's made no mention of coming over, and honestly I waver between being annoyed and being insecure.  I will not be asking or bringing it up. He needs his space to process, he can have it. I just need to move on and do my own thing. It seems that I seem to have this happen a lot to me. Although, he is there in a lot of ways that no one else has been, but I'm not sure what's going on with him and I've tried to discuss it with him. He says he likes where we are now, and he's involved the children so I can imagine that he is sincere in what he is saying. BUT, at the same time, I can't help but wonder why he's pulling away somewhat after being so accessible.  The other thing that concerns me, is damn, I truly like his children. Historically, I haven't cared for the children of men that I've dated.  I've tolerated them. That sounds cruel or mean I know, but it's the truth. I'm not a kids person, even to my own sometimes.  But his kids, yea, they're awesome.  So I truly hope that I'm just being insecure and that everything is going along the way it should be.

I'm still pissed that there has been no effort to come and see me on a this long weekend, particularly when he does not have the children and it would be very easy for him to come over. No worries though, I have plenty of things to do on my own. I have my own life, it'd just be nice to do some of those things with him.

My eating last night sucked ass. I had potato chips while I was watching the Sopranos. I counted them, I decided to do points for a week.  Since I started my week on Friday, I should be ok. If I stick to it, which I haven't been able to do up to this point.

My breakfast today was yummy. I sauteed 1/2 a sweet potato and a couple of purple ones that I had left, threw in some leftover peas, an egg and a slice of provolone. Sliced a tomato and had a couple of slices on top of it. It was good and I'm satisfied. Not past, so I'm hoping to hold out for lunch until at least 2p or so.  

I've got to figure out what to do with that Ricotta.

150

Point 6 to be exact. I have gained the inevitable 2 pounds back. And I don't know why. Unless being on antibiotics can cause this. I don't see how that can be the case since the antibiotics make me want to throw up everything I put in my mouth. But I do know that I am sick of this. Sick of being this weight. Sick of being depressed. Sick of being insecure about my relationship w/DBF and just sick of it all. The anxiety, the insecurity, the Dr's. All.of.it.

So what do I need to do to fix it? Well, maybe fix isn't the right word. And maybe there is no fix, there is just improvement.  Maybe I just need to reframe the way I think about things.  Yesterday the PsY said that I should think of consistent commitment in the terms of how I have been at my job for 14 years.  I started and stayed there initially for the wrong reasons, the right decision for the wrong reasons. Who knew you could even do that? And then eventually, it evolved, and I evolved and I realized that the consistency of being at one place of employment does pay me back some benefits so I stayed the course. At several points, I thought about quitting and I saw that the grass (through interviews) isn't always greener on the other side and so I stayed plugging away at my place of employment because it provided a lot of positive feedback to me.  I shall try to approach weight loss, hell anything I want to do over a long period of time in this way.  We definitely identified an all or nothing attitude, to the extreme with me. Gee, Sherlock, I didn't realize that? BAER.  But she doesn't know me, so I imagine it will take some time.  Also, I have an obsession with my weight/body.  Also, a Captain Obvious moment, but I suppose we need to definitively identify my specific issues in order to then deal with them.  Ok, so that parts out of the way.

I know this is supposed to be a semi-food blog so I'll tell you what I ate yesterday.  Breakfast was a bagel and a banana. This is not a good breakfast choice for me, but, with the antibiotics, it's about all I can take.  Lunch was a salad w/faux crab from our downstairs cafeteria and a bag of pretzels and dinner I went out with DBF. I had some rice, snapper w/creamed spinach and steamed veggies.  He didn't stay over, he stayed at his mom's since his appointment was up north.  I'm thinking I'm ok with this as long as there isn't some underlying reason. I can't imagine that there is, since he hasn't really changed too much and we did hang out with the kids. I think all the paperwork on his divorce is now being finalized and he's having some issues with that. Not necessarily oh, it's a mistake issues, but feeling pretty emotional about it and his method of dealing with it is withdrawal. I'm trying to NOT blame him for other men's actions in my life and give him the benefit of the doubt, but truthfully, that's a big leap for me, and I just want to emotionally withdraw as well to protect myself.

In actuality, this is fine, and I think I am ok with it as I really do want to concentrate on taking better care of me, and to quote him, "I'm ok with with how we are right now, don't want to change anything" when discussing the future. Because as he is just coming out of this relationship, he wants to go slow. As for me, I hear, run Forest run.

So I will. Run that is.