Sunday night

Holy Crap, I'm tired.  From the long weekend, from the drive. from going nonstop for 4 days straight. And now I get to unpack and do laundry. Ah, home sweet home.  

I enjoy being around my family. And after seeing some things, I realize, meh, the grass isn't always greener.  I'm good with dating. Just dating.  Not serially, but monogamously, and not seriously.  God, I hope that makes sense.  It does to me. And I guess that is what matters.

Ok, the food. They made ribs for the dinner. And oh, yea, forgot to fucking tell me there was bacon bits in the salad. Uh, HELLO people, no meat includes bacon.  Anyway, there were a lot of good and fattening appetizers that I ate too much of. Not to mention cake.  But it was just Saturday and I did exercise every day. And I counted. So, I feel really good about this weekend.  And no, no food pictures. I have other kinds, but I haven't down loaded them yet.

You'll just have to settle for my witty repertoire (did I spell that right?) and sense of humor.  

I realized somewhere along the line, that I don't want to feel weak anymore.  Being sad and depressed makes me feel weak. I don't like that feeling. As I've said before, there aren't too many things I can control. Whether I exercise and what I eat I can control. So, therefore I will.

A funny thing happened on the way to the scale.

I gained 2.6 pounds.  And I know I said in my last post that I was starting anew again. Hah!! That didn't even last through the post. I obviously didn't start a new. Is that one word or two?  I mean, it comes up correct through spell/grammar check as ok both ways so who's to say?  Anyway, I digress, I obviously didn't start a new with eating as I'm up 2.6. 

But, my mind is in a much better place than I have been, gosh, I want to say forever. Seriously, I'm at peace with myself and who I am.  I need to lose 15 pounds. I'd like to lose 20 and I'd like to really lose 25 but you know what, I'm going to be realistic and if 15 is a comfortable weight for me and is a healthy weight, than do I really need to stress about those other 10. I mean, if I'm ok with it then who cares what other people are doing or weighing.  I can't really think about those any way as I should probably lose the first 15 before I do. You know?  I've let that number strangle me and determine that I can't do this. I can only do 15, not the whole 25 so why bother at all.  That's the all or nothing thinking again.  I must not do that. I haven't this past week and it's definitely contributed to my peace of mind. I'm convinced.  

Another thing is my decision to not stress about my relationship.  I know that part of my ability to let go of trying to control it is to put up an emotional barrier. I'm working on that.  But honestly, that has allowed me to be completely nonchalant about the whole thing. And I mean that in a good way. Even though we haven't said the words, I can honestly say that I've developed deep feelings for this man.  I won't say it before he does, I just can't, but I suppose I have felt it before he does, but I'm not acting out, emotionally or impulsively because while that initial feeling is great, it's only great if it's mutual. If it isn't then it's neurotic and not a good feeling at all. For either one of the people in the relationship.

I had a couple of people ask me what was wrong, that I'm so calm and mellow and that they like the exuberant Rita and my response was, after some thought, there is absolutely nothing wrong. I'm in a pretty good place. The exuberance that others enjoy is almost always followed by a low that they don't see. But that I experience and I don't want to go through those drastic high's and low's.  It isn't healthy, at least not for me. So, I'm still fun, I'm just not manic about it. Which, for me, is huge.

In other somewhat related news, I've decided that I'm going to go off the pill. I don't like the effects of it, other than the reduced monthly flow.  I want to see if that helps with the weight loss. Although, I just had a thought, what if the serenity I feel now is because of the hormones of the pill. Will I lose that? Who knows.

I know this is a food blog and I'm sure you're wondering where the food pictures are. Well, there hasn't been anything worth photographing, unless the box of crackers is blog worthy. They aren't so I haven't bothered.  I'm not freaking out about the gain.  This is huge for me, as in the past I would immediately not eat for the rest of the day and probably take laxatives.  I won't do this anymore.  I know what I ate, I wrote most of it down. And I also know what I didn't write down, so, I happily take my gain because I'm going to look at the positive and think, I'm going to have a tremendous loss next week.

And so it goes.

150

Point 6 to be exact. I have gained the inevitable 2 pounds back. And I don't know why. Unless being on antibiotics can cause this. I don't see how that can be the case since the antibiotics make me want to throw up everything I put in my mouth. But I do know that I am sick of this. Sick of being this weight. Sick of being depressed. Sick of being insecure about my relationship w/DBF and just sick of it all. The anxiety, the insecurity, the Dr's. All.of.it.

So what do I need to do to fix it? Well, maybe fix isn't the right word. And maybe there is no fix, there is just improvement.  Maybe I just need to reframe the way I think about things.  Yesterday the PsY said that I should think of consistent commitment in the terms of how I have been at my job for 14 years.  I started and stayed there initially for the wrong reasons, the right decision for the wrong reasons. Who knew you could even do that? And then eventually, it evolved, and I evolved and I realized that the consistency of being at one place of employment does pay me back some benefits so I stayed the course. At several points, I thought about quitting and I saw that the grass (through interviews) isn't always greener on the other side and so I stayed plugging away at my place of employment because it provided a lot of positive feedback to me.  I shall try to approach weight loss, hell anything I want to do over a long period of time in this way.  We definitely identified an all or nothing attitude, to the extreme with me. Gee, Sherlock, I didn't realize that? BAER.  But she doesn't know me, so I imagine it will take some time.  Also, I have an obsession with my weight/body.  Also, a Captain Obvious moment, but I suppose we need to definitively identify my specific issues in order to then deal with them.  Ok, so that parts out of the way.

I know this is supposed to be a semi-food blog so I'll tell you what I ate yesterday.  Breakfast was a bagel and a banana. This is not a good breakfast choice for me, but, with the antibiotics, it's about all I can take.  Lunch was a salad w/faux crab from our downstairs cafeteria and a bag of pretzels and dinner I went out with DBF. I had some rice, snapper w/creamed spinach and steamed veggies.  He didn't stay over, he stayed at his mom's since his appointment was up north.  I'm thinking I'm ok with this as long as there isn't some underlying reason. I can't imagine that there is, since he hasn't really changed too much and we did hang out with the kids. I think all the paperwork on his divorce is now being finalized and he's having some issues with that. Not necessarily oh, it's a mistake issues, but feeling pretty emotional about it and his method of dealing with it is withdrawal. I'm trying to NOT blame him for other men's actions in my life and give him the benefit of the doubt, but truthfully, that's a big leap for me, and I just want to emotionally withdraw as well to protect myself.

In actuality, this is fine, and I think I am ok with it as I really do want to concentrate on taking better care of me, and to quote him, "I'm ok with with how we are right now, don't want to change anything" when discussing the future. Because as he is just coming out of this relationship, he wants to go slow. As for me, I hear, run Forest run.

So I will. Run that is.  

Please make the pounding stop

I haven't been able to take the light from the computer monitor since Sunday. For some reason all of my lymph nodes along my neck and head are swollen and extremely painful to the touch. They are also causing extreme pounding in my head every time I move my head. EVERY.TIME.

Which had me literally in bed all day sunday and Monday.  Monday's Dr appointment was less than enlightening as she said, hmm, you have an infection, but I don't know from what, so here's a Z Pak, go get blood work, throat culture and some Motrin. Really???? That's it? I guess I have higher expectations of the medical community than I should.  I think I've been watching far too much Grey's and ER. So I did what she said. Now, I'm on two antibiotics. This should be a fun week.  My eating has been sporadic at best since I feel like vomiting most of the time due to the med's I've pretty much been forcing myself to eat whatever.

Yesterdays breakfast was a bagel in order to get the medicine down. That pretty much summed up my meals for the day except for some wonton soup that seemed to hit the spot. I took my other pills with some roasted potatoes that my grandmother sent over. Add a handful of goldfish to this and that's what I had to eat yesterday. No pictures, because really, none of that is worthy of a picture. I feel so poorly that I don't even want my beloved coffee or diet coke. Seriously.  This is bad dudes.

I finally can hold my eyes open with the top of my head feeling like it's going to blow off, so I had a iced coffee from Starbucks after I took the eldest DS to school.  And now I'm back on the couch in my sweat suit (I'm freezing for some reason). The metal taste in my mouth is more than welcome to leave at any given time today. Hopefully by the end of the day.

DBF is coming over tonight, probably to stay the night not sure yet, as he has business in town.  Of course, he was concerned about getting my "illness" Which I then called the Dr to see if I'm contagious. Uh, that's a negative ya big baby.  Anyway, I'm glad I called because I definitely don't want to get the kids sick.  This is a quasi food blog and I'm tempted to not discuss DBF but since I think I have all of two followers I will feel free to go ahead and discuss.  Not know, though as the light is beginning to hurt my eyeballs.

I don't have my camera today as it's at my aunt's. She is making a CD of all of Tony's (DS) prom pictures. No, I don't really call him Tony, he is and always will be Anthony to me. But he prefers that I refer to him as Tony so people know who I'm talking about. BAER to the attention hoor. I wonder where he gets it from. :-)