Rainy Days and Mondays

Well, they don't always get me down. Especially since I don't have to work this particular Monday. Went to the grocery store and planned out some great, simple meals for the week. I'm feeling strong about being on plan. This has to come from within, and I'm finally at a place where it is. The changes within are finally manifesting themselves on the outside. No, I haven't lost weight yet, but I suppose you have to begin with day and pound one, right?

I'm making spaghetti and whole wheat pasta for the kids today. I'll have whole wheat pasta salad that I've made with tuna. Pictures to follow.

In other important news, Shy had her first gymnastics competition yesterday and she won second place in the balance beam. Whoo Hoo!! I was so proud of her. She medaled 9th overall.

Olympics 2020 here we come!

The importance of checking the NI

BEFORE YOU EAT YOUR MEAL!!!!!

I made what I thought was about a 450 calorie choice for lunch and it turned out to be a 663 calorie choice. Which means it's going to be a salad dinner for me. Ugh, actually no, it won't, I'll eat a regular dinner, but honestly, who knew a simple sandwich could be that many calories. Crystal...are you paying attention!!!!! That was WAY too many calories for a sandwich. Not that either one of us had an inkling of the high caloric value, but the gooey melty cheese that runneth over the sides should have been my first clue.

I'm not letting a little mistake, yes, that was a mistake, trip me up. I'm going to continue in my positive mindset and trudge on this path with a pep in my step because this is something that is forever. I will take this experience and learn from it. Uh, look up the NI moron. Yep, that's my lesson learned from today.

I also bought 'Tis by Frank McCourt, who recently passed away. You may be more familiar with his original memoir, Angela's Ashes, which was on the NY Times bestseller list for more than a year. I want to say it was closer to two years. In any event, I just listened to a replay of an interview he did on NPR back in '97 when the book was initially published. Hearing him speak in that Irish brogue of his made me want to read the other two books he wrote, 'Tis and Teacher man. I read Angela's Ashes back in '98 and was mesmerized by the poverty and the description of his childhood. This man overcame so much. I saw 'Tis at Borders for $4.99 so I bought that along with the MLA guide to Writing Research Papers. I figured that Jonathon could begin using this as he is sure to have to write some papers eventually this year. It will be good practice for him so that when he is required to use this style it will be second nature to him.

Came home to quiet. J is with his dad and Ant and Drea took her brother and Shy out to the pool. I'm going to get to cleaning while I have an empty apartment.

Back to work

After being off for a week and pretty much doing nothing but shopping with my mom, it's back to work for me. Blah.

I suppose I should be thankful to have a job to go to, and I am. I particularly like my job and the people I work with, so I should be doubly thankful. And I am. I still would rather not work. Or at least not be tied to having to work. But then I suppose, who wouldn't??

The bright side of having to go into work is the uninterrupted reading time at lunch. Always looking to find a positive point to everything.

What am I eating today?? I've not been following any program. Or even eating intuitively. Mondays are notorious for starting over and far be it from me to try and buck that trend. I'll be counting points again my friends. In an attempt to stop the cycle. If I just cut out the snacking I'm relatively certain that I would drop at least 5 pounds. Let's go with that.

Again.

And again.

Until I get it right.

Finally finished Mansfield Park. Boy, that Aunt Norris is a piece of work. I would have told her off about a million times and most of Jane Austen's heroines would have as well. But Fanny was definitely a meeker and subdued character than her normal ones. It did wrap up rather quickly which was slightly surprising to me, but I enjoyed the book nonetheless. It was more difficult to get into than her other books.

Now, I'm reading Neuromancer by William Gibson, which is a sci-fi classic from the 80's along with The Last Chance Saloon by Marian Keyes which is a chick lit book from England (or Ireland as the case may be). Both are really good if not totally different. I pick each one up depending on my mood. I'll bring Neuromancer to work with me today. I'm further along in that one than I am the other.

I did go book shopping again this weekend. I can't help it. I have so many books now, but when I see them so cheap, I have to pick them up, especially if the title's are on my TBR list.

Ugh, time to get ready for work. Maybe I'll post pictures of my food later. If it's blogworthy that is.

This weight loss blog I listen to

It's called Inside Out Weight Loss and she focuses on the mental and internal aspect of being able to not just lose the weight but keep it off. Because, let's be honest, I know how to lose weight. I just don't know how to keep it off.

Anyway, the last podcast she mentioned that we can have towards and away motivation. Away is negative motivation. I want to lose weight so I can fit into these pants. With away motivation, we tend to get to the goal and then we stall and falter. When the reality is that we may want and have bigger goals. Her point and I agree, is that away motivation isn't a bad thing, but shouldn't be the only kinds of motivation we have. So we should also have a toward (positive) motivation. To have more energy, to be healthier, etc. She gave the example of how to turn a negative goal into a positive statement. Instead of saying I don't want to binge eat, how about I want to eat three meals a day. Rather than I don't want pain in my neck, I want to be flexible and energetic.

She gives homework and the homework this week was for us to pick our dream for ourselves. It doesn't have to be realistic. So often we get told to keep our goals realistic so that we don't get overwhelmed and can actually visualize obtaining these goals. But this time, she says, pick your dream for your weight loss/fitness/health goal. So mine, is to feel free and comfortable naked. Also to be able to be in a bathing suit at the beach or pool with the kids and feel completely comfortable about the way I look. To be fit and muscular. Will I still have a bootie and a pooch in my belly. Yes, in my dream, I visualize myself a little with that, but I'm good with the way I look.

What's your dream for yourself?

I've decided to create a little routine for myself as well. Friday night and Saturday are going to be chore day. Friday night will just consist of laundry and vegging, but after my run on Saturday morning, it's chores time. Until 5pm, when I stop, regardless of what I have left to do and start on dinner. Then it's dinner and a movie night, or game night, or whatever the kids want to do. It's our special time together. I realize that if I ever have a date again on a Saturday night that I may have to alter our Family time, but really, there are a lot of other nights that I can go out on a date. These kids, this is the only time I'm going to get to enjoy them being the age that they are, so, I'm loathe to change my plans for anyone. They get to be the priority now. Anyway, I'm going to have a bowl of cereal w/strawberry's for breakfast and a piece of my broccoli crustless quiche. It came out so good. Yum.

I'm not really sure what I'll wind up having for lunch since it'll be smack in the dab middle of chore time but I'm sure I'll stop and have something that will involve using up what I have in the fridge. Dinner will involve me attempting once again to grill a piece of chicken without turning it into shoe leather. For the kids. My dinner will consist of fish and veggie packets on the grill.

Off I go to clean the bathrooms first. My most hated chore, so I tend to do it first to get it done and out of the way.

What's your most hated chore??

Therapy yesterday

Well, I had a pretty fabulous session yesterday.

I've come to several realizations. First, just because I am sad about something doesn't mean I need to go down the path of self destruction It just means I'm sad. It doesn't mean I'm worthless or am a disaster. It just means I'm feeling sad at the moment. I can be sad or have something sad happen to me and still be a good person and be deserving of good things happening to me.

The other thing I realized s that I use food as a punishment to myself. In talking through I guess I've come to the conclusion that there must be something wrong with me, because why else would I have experienced the things I have. Going back to childhood even. I must not be worthy right, if I don't have a father and if my mother didn't want to be around the first 9 years of my life, right? So I'll just eat. Which I didn't use to do. I mean, I guess I've always struggled with weight, but this nighttime eating, yea, that's fairly recent. The last 4 years or so.

And basically, it's a big merry go round. Have you ever felt like that? And if so, HOW have you managed to get off of the merry go round.

She said I need to get to where I feel more comfortable being healthy than being punished. I am so used to beating myself up that it's comforting. Again, this begs the question, how do I get *there*

That's what I wrote on the WW board. I got some great comments and Marci really made me see something, my writings from the gym, my runs, etc. All of those things not only help me but they've inspired others. Thats one thing I didn't realize. And well, she's right, I do feel better about myself when I'm exercising. I've got to get to the point where going for a walk or exercising makes me feel better than eating.

I also talked about my mom and her weight problem and how it makes me feel. I love my mom dearly, and I don't know what to do to help her. But she's extremely obese and eats and eats vs my hiding my eating. It made me be very OP and gave me some will power because I didn't want to be like that. How did she let herself get like this? And I'm such an asshole for being disgusted but really, I am.

And no, I didn't talk to her about it. I did talk to my dad. He shares my concerns. She is extremely unhealthy.

My eating still sucks and so I have no pictures. Maybe today will be the day.

Family Reunion

I leave today to go to Orlando. Our annual Teems Family Reunion is this Saturday in Daytona Beach. We'll stay at Debbie's (my sisters house) and just drive over for the day.

I'm excited because I get to see all of my family. Down here I have my grandparents, my Aunt, my uncle and aunt and their kids. But their kids are away at school and one of them is moving to Boston over the summer. So, it's a small portion of my family.  My eldest sister and I have become much closer since the death of our sister Kim. Kim, as I've mentioned was the bridge between us, and now we have just each other. I have a younger brother, but we aren't close at all.

Anyway, we are all leaving after the younger two get out of school, it's the last day. I refuse to let food be an issue. I had a gain this week and I will not have another gain next week. If anything, I'm determined to have a loss. So, I packed my work out clothes so I can get in some walks/runs with whoever wants to go with me and plan on making good food choices regardless.

Breakfast and lunch are going to be clean out the fridge meals.  I'll post pictures later. Breakfast is a fruit bowl of the last of the watermelon and cantaloupe and yogurt w/some oatmeal squares mixed in. I weighed out the cereal. wow, does using a scale make a HUGE difference. 

Lunch is whatever concoction I throw together from there as well. Probably leftover chili and quinoa w/ some veggies tossed in.

My snack will be a latte on the road. And who knows what dinner will hold. I'm playing it by ear because DBF is up there for business and we discussed getting together. Although, that meant me going to see him vs. him coming to my sisters house. Where all of my family is. Which he didn't sound thrilled about. I guess I can't blame him.

Food pictures to come. Shit, look at the time, I gotta go get dressed!

A funny thing happened on the way to the scale.

I gained 2.6 pounds.  And I know I said in my last post that I was starting anew again. Hah!! That didn't even last through the post. I obviously didn't start a new. Is that one word or two?  I mean, it comes up correct through spell/grammar check as ok both ways so who's to say?  Anyway, I digress, I obviously didn't start a new with eating as I'm up 2.6. 

But, my mind is in a much better place than I have been, gosh, I want to say forever. Seriously, I'm at peace with myself and who I am.  I need to lose 15 pounds. I'd like to lose 20 and I'd like to really lose 25 but you know what, I'm going to be realistic and if 15 is a comfortable weight for me and is a healthy weight, than do I really need to stress about those other 10. I mean, if I'm ok with it then who cares what other people are doing or weighing.  I can't really think about those any way as I should probably lose the first 15 before I do. You know?  I've let that number strangle me and determine that I can't do this. I can only do 15, not the whole 25 so why bother at all.  That's the all or nothing thinking again.  I must not do that. I haven't this past week and it's definitely contributed to my peace of mind. I'm convinced.  

Another thing is my decision to not stress about my relationship.  I know that part of my ability to let go of trying to control it is to put up an emotional barrier. I'm working on that.  But honestly, that has allowed me to be completely nonchalant about the whole thing. And I mean that in a good way. Even though we haven't said the words, I can honestly say that I've developed deep feelings for this man.  I won't say it before he does, I just can't, but I suppose I have felt it before he does, but I'm not acting out, emotionally or impulsively because while that initial feeling is great, it's only great if it's mutual. If it isn't then it's neurotic and not a good feeling at all. For either one of the people in the relationship.

I had a couple of people ask me what was wrong, that I'm so calm and mellow and that they like the exuberant Rita and my response was, after some thought, there is absolutely nothing wrong. I'm in a pretty good place. The exuberance that others enjoy is almost always followed by a low that they don't see. But that I experience and I don't want to go through those drastic high's and low's.  It isn't healthy, at least not for me. So, I'm still fun, I'm just not manic about it. Which, for me, is huge.

In other somewhat related news, I've decided that I'm going to go off the pill. I don't like the effects of it, other than the reduced monthly flow.  I want to see if that helps with the weight loss. Although, I just had a thought, what if the serenity I feel now is because of the hormones of the pill. Will I lose that? Who knows.

I know this is a food blog and I'm sure you're wondering where the food pictures are. Well, there hasn't been anything worth photographing, unless the box of crackers is blog worthy. They aren't so I haven't bothered.  I'm not freaking out about the gain.  This is huge for me, as in the past I would immediately not eat for the rest of the day and probably take laxatives.  I won't do this anymore.  I know what I ate, I wrote most of it down. And I also know what I didn't write down, so, I happily take my gain because I'm going to look at the positive and think, I'm going to have a tremendous loss next week.

And so it goes.

How Do You Find the Time?

'm not sure how the people I know that do daily blogs find the time to do the daily blog. I have pictures of all the food I've eaten since Sunday. And you know, I find that taking a picture really helps me to stay accountable to eat what I've said I'm going to eat. Well, except for the baked chips I had last night.  They were in lieu of the dinner I prepared because I had it all made but just didn't feel like eating it, so an hour and a half later, I was hungry. And I had about two portions of those chips.  

I'm running late for work now, but will find time to upload pics later. Dinner on Sunday Mother's Day was a macadamia encrusted tilapia and was really good.

I also had a smidge of mashed potatoes and a smidge of broccoli casserole along with a roll.

I don't have access to this site at work so I won't be able to write again until I get home from work. I am going to ride the bike for an hour after work today and do some weights, upper body and abs.  

Therapy session yesterday as well.  I'm feeling better about myself and things, but I'm not sure if that's because of therapy, this blog, or the exercise. Or maybe a little of both. Either way I suppose the important thing is that I am feeling better. Now if I can just have some consistency with that.  I've felt better and had exercise as a routine for 6 months before and easily lost it. So apparently that whole 21 days to a habit thing doesn't really work so well for me. Or maybe, I stopped exercising for 21 days and changed my habit.

In other unrelated eating news, exciting changes at work keep me really busy throughout the day. And challenged.  AND, I'm planning a summer vacation with the boyfriend.  That is something else that is fabulous and scary at the same time.  Those of you who know my relationship whoas can understand.

Ok, I've really got to go finish getting ready for work and wake the kids.  I'm always running late, why is that??

This is so funny.......alli, just don't do it.

http://www.thewvsr.com/alli.htm


Seriously, folks. That has got to be some of the funniest shit (pun intended) that I have read in awhile. And I totally needed that laugh.

In other weight loss related news, I am down 2 lbs. Which would be great if it wasn't the same two pounds I gained last week. So for the month of July, I maintained.

Great, that was NOT the goal.

Running Diary

At Border's yesterday. I bought the Complete Runner's Log.

A training and Fitness guide. I bought it because I want to start running again. Jodie says all the time, your body will do whatever your brain tells it to. She also said that she didn't develop a runner's body overnight. She had to force it into submission.

So I plan on beginning my submission tomorrow morning. I will absolutely succeed if for no other reason that Pat said he doubted me.

A challenge as it were.  And I absolutely won't take that lying down. Other things with Pay lying down, oh yea, but that kind of challenge. Not a chance.

Eating to Satisfaction

I finally realized what eating to satisfied means. Not today, but within the last few months.  I don't always pay attention to it. But I have to. I have to not eat to full. In order to be truly successful with weight loss, you (all of us) need to really pay attention to the satisfaction level.

It is disheartening to know how little food I truly NEED.  Want is another story all together, but the reality is that food is fuel and the amount that we need is miniscule.  If we are honest about it.

And anyone who knows me knows, that I am all about being honest. Brutally so sometimes. Portion distortion is my biggest problem. Even if the foods are core. They aren't to be eaten to excess.

So note to self, watch your portions and your satisfaction levels.

Hypocrisy

Is not a very becoming character trait. And one that I abhor.  So if it is the way "I eat now" then why the fuck is the scale moving up. Oh, wait, because I haven't been practicing what I preach. 

So, there. Now I faced the scale and I have decided that I really need to get back and what a minute, if it is the way I eat then why do I need to get back. i need to not eat like that is what it is. Focus on the veggie's.

Like Jodie said, it isn't rocket science, stop shoveling shit into your mouth and get up off of the couch.  Pretty simple. 

So do it already. You know the drill. it should be easy now that it is

#1 Summertime, less responsibilities

#2 No relationship to worry about

#3 Because it is time.