Books, books and what are you reading?

This is how I spent my day yesterday. Well, part yesterday and part on Friday. I went to a big library sale and I found a lot of books that I wanted. I think I need to put a moratorium on book buying until I at least read 5 books or so. The problem is that they are so cheap. $1 for the hardcovers and $.50 for the paperbacks.

I'm loving my book collection. Obviously, as you can see by the soccer ball, I have no shelves to put them on. I need to go to Ikea I think to get some shelves so I can get them off of the floor.

I'm currently reading The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo by Steig Larsson. I've heard so many good things about this book and it's gotten great reviews. I'll be sure to do a review if you are so interested.

I weighed in today and amazingly I lost a pound. I've been much more mindful this past week than I have in a long time and while I know I haven't been perfect so I'll accept the loss. I had a great day with my daughter yesterday. Took her to get her hair done as she starts school on Monday. We also went to the library and hung out there for awhile. We both enjoy it and it is a very cost effective way to spend time.

Breakfast this morning was really easy and yummy. Yes, I said yummy, deal with it.

Coffee in my most favorite coffee mug and my breakfast was fat free vanilla yogurt w/a drizzle of honey and some fresh strawberries and half a banana. I also topped it with half a larabar, pecan pie flavored. This clocks in at 300 calories and I was very satisfied with it. I feel so much better when I pay attention to my satisfaction levels so I'm not sure why I don't do it more often. Oh you know, like all the time, like normal people do.

My plans today include getting J's backpack for school. I also want to watch that Melissa chick, the winner of the Next Food TV Star, or whatever the title is.

Lunch is going to be a frittata that includes cleaning out my refrigerator. J lost another 2 pounds. He's down to 10 pounds in like a month or so. I am so proud of him. He's managed to do it without complaint. I suppose the threat of multiple needle sticks should he develop diabetes helped.

Also have been watching Studio 60. It lasted maybe one and a half seasons on tv. I call it smart tv which is why it went over Joe Q Public's head. Well, hopefully Aaron Sorkin will come up with a new show soon. He did this one as well as West Wing, possibly the best show ever. My favorite that's for sure.

I'm off to do laundry. Surely you don't come here for the exciting life I lead but rather, I'm sure the scintillating prose. LOL!!

My notes

Day 5 August 21, 2009

Limiting Beliefs can inhibit the way we live our life. Beliefs are something we believe in spite of the lack of conclusive evidence. Our belief in God for example. These are things we “can’t” do and they hold us back. They often have a self-fulfilling prophecy about themselves.

Change the belief to success because success begets success.

One limiting belief is that weight loss is hard. No, it doesn’t have to be. Maybe it has been that way but that doesn’t mean that we can’t change it to where it is easy. Eventually we think like naturally thin people and it will become that way. This doesn’t mean that we don’t have to work and invest the time but that doesn’t mean that it is difficult. There have been times where I’ve had to do work, not difficult work but work nonetheless. And we can make it fun. We are going to eat anyway, so why not make it fun and enjoy this journey.

Inner conflict is what makes it hard. The body is holdoing onto the weight for some reason. There is something inside of me that won’t let it go. Inner alignment can make it easy and fun. There is a positive aspect to every action. We do the things that we do in an attempt to enjoy ourselves and for pleasure. Eventually, all actions can be boiled down to trying to get something positive for ourselves. Substituting another non food behavior for this will find me releasing the weight. I’m sure of it.

Ask the following the question to determine WHAT your limiting beliefs are:

1. Is this goal desirable? Is it worthwhile?

Is this goal worth the effort that it will take to obtain it? Of course, sitting at my laptop it’s easy for me to say that it is. It’s when I’m about to make the wrong choice that I forget how much it means to me.

2. Is it possible for others?

Of course it is. I’ve seen many people lose and keep it off. They have made the necessary lifestyle choices to make the changes permanent.

3. Is it possible for me?

Of course it is. I’ve been at goal before. I’ve also been at a healthy weight and have exercised regularly. So I know I can do it. It’s just a matter of making it a routine yet again.

4. Is what it takes to achieve this goal appropriate and reasonable?

Will I do what it takes? Believe that this is too hard? No, it really isn’t. If I imagine that eating 1300 calories a day is enough (and it really is if I make the right choices) then I need to be happy. Believe it.

5. Do you deserve it? Well, this is the kicker isn’t it? If you don’t feel like you are worth anything then how can you justify allowing yourself to get healthy, or living a good lifestyle. The pressure to continue to be successful proves to be too much sometimes and then you fail. Self sabotage.

If you tell yourself that this is going to take forever, or that it will never happen, then this is what you believe. This is what you will have happen then.

Learned helplessness is also another limiting belief. Like the elephant tied with a chain. He doesn’t believe he can get free, and so he doesn’t. Just like me and stopping eating at night. I don’t believe that I can do that. That I have these habits that I always do and therefore can’t change, and therefore they don’t change.

Genetics are only about 20% the reason why we are overweight. I can control the other 80%.

I am 40 and this makes it harder to lose weight. I am ONLY 40. I have a lot of life to live and I don’t want to waste time with this struggle for the next 40 years. I need to be grateful for the struggle and learn and use the positive aspects of it. Enjoy the journey, but know that I can control some aspects of it. My eating at night and my fat rolls have been coping tools for me. Once I find other coping tools I can and will release the weight.

Three steps to changing limiting beliefs

Identify the belief (above questions)

Question the belief. As I did above as well. One thing to keep in mind is that I must be satisfied with what is while I reach for what can be.

I deserve a treat statement. Well, what’s that treat going to do for you? If it is going to keep you fat (yes, I say the fat word) then is it a treat?? Is it going to be in the terms of keeping you fat and therefore making it harder on your knees. That isn’t much of a treat.

Third step…change the belief. Identify the new belief. Visualize yourself in the new you. Being naturally thin is easier than carrying around those extra 25-30 pounds now isn’t it. Losing weight isn’t hard, being this weight is hard. State your intent and your new belief in the positive.

Try on the new you for size. Imagine you as you want to be. Eventually it will become your reality.

The importance of checking the NI

BEFORE YOU EAT YOUR MEAL!!!!!

I made what I thought was about a 450 calorie choice for lunch and it turned out to be a 663 calorie choice. Which means it's going to be a salad dinner for me. Ugh, actually no, it won't, I'll eat a regular dinner, but honestly, who knew a simple sandwich could be that many calories. Crystal...are you paying attention!!!!! That was WAY too many calories for a sandwich. Not that either one of us had an inkling of the high caloric value, but the gooey melty cheese that runneth over the sides should have been my first clue.

I'm not letting a little mistake, yes, that was a mistake, trip me up. I'm going to continue in my positive mindset and trudge on this path with a pep in my step because this is something that is forever. I will take this experience and learn from it. Uh, look up the NI moron. Yep, that's my lesson learned from today.

I also bought 'Tis by Frank McCourt, who recently passed away. You may be more familiar with his original memoir, Angela's Ashes, which was on the NY Times bestseller list for more than a year. I want to say it was closer to two years. In any event, I just listened to a replay of an interview he did on NPR back in '97 when the book was initially published. Hearing him speak in that Irish brogue of his made me want to read the other two books he wrote, 'Tis and Teacher man. I read Angela's Ashes back in '98 and was mesmerized by the poverty and the description of his childhood. This man overcame so much. I saw 'Tis at Borders for $4.99 so I bought that along with the MLA guide to Writing Research Papers. I figured that Jonathon could begin using this as he is sure to have to write some papers eventually this year. It will be good practice for him so that when he is required to use this style it will be second nature to him.

Came home to quiet. J is with his dad and Ant and Drea took her brother and Shy out to the pool. I'm going to get to cleaning while I have an empty apartment.

Day 4, Wednesday Aug 19

My plan for last night self destructed. I had a humongous chunk of cookies n cream ice cream cake that was leftover from Anthony’s birthday party. AND 2 cups of rice w/lentils for dinner. And a leftover pork chop. WTH?? I don’t eat meat, so I don’t know why I have been this week.

This morning on my drive into work, I was listening to a podcast, fat2fitradio.com, that I follow and they had a listener write in about how getting Type II diabetes impacted him. With details about the symptoms etc. Well, diabetes runs in my family, in a big way. And his early, early clues and indicators are things that sound familiar. So, Jesus, I realize, this isn't about fitting into my fucking pants or being the cutest thing in shoe leather. I totally do not want to have to deal with all of this bullshit. I've been really lucky with my health and I'm at normal levels with everything, but if I continue going the way I am going, I'm bound to develop this. Well, I'm having oatmeal for breakfast w/half a banana instead of my usual bagel. I’m satisfied with my breakfast, I realize after I eat it, that I don’t need a full banana.

If the 12 year old can do it, then so can I. Plus, last night, he says, "mommy, I'll help you if you want?" How cute is he?

1230p—In assessing my hunger, I realize I’m just getting hungry. Times to start getting the tuna drained (in water) and construct my salad. I think I need to buy some cute dishes to keep at work so that my pictures aren’t of Tupperware.1p Ate lunch until satisfied. ½ the can did just fine for me along with the salad. Lunch was chopped romaine, ½ can of albacore tuna, 10g of cranraisins, 10g of toasted, slivered almonds, 10 sprays of balsamic vinaigrette, ½ of a diced pink lady apple. I ate the other half as dessert. This suited me fine.

2p—Hunger assessment: not hungry at all. Drank 40 oz of water so far today. Treating myself to my first diet coke.

3:30p – thought I was getting hungry, but not really. May have half that banana left over at 4p

415p—ate my pineapple and banana. very yum and hit the spot quite nicely. Pineapple has more calories that I originally thought, but that’s not a problem. Since I’ve been tuning into my body and eating intuitively today. Well, I suppose I’m not TRULY eating intuitively since I’m counting the calories. But, you know what I mean. My tea however, was very watered down. Boo.

7p—WOO HOO!!! I did not have a snack at Nanny’s. I even picked up a tostone and I put it back. This is a huge victory for me.

715p—I had dinner and I ate too much, but I counted everything and I am still just under my calorie count. Which means, I am having a snack later, should I want one. Right now (841p) I don’t. I’m still full from dinner.

I have a date tonight with Dylan McDermott so I’ll see you guys later.

About to get really personal

My blog that is. I need the accountability that writing about my horrible eating habits will give me. I know I've come a long way, and I feel a lot better about myself. I'm not purging anymore which is a good thing. The bad thing is I'm still bingeing. BUT, I don't feel like it's true bingeing. Shit, who am I kidding. It is. Totally. Thus the weight gain.

But perhaps if I write about it honestly, I'll be less likely to do it. If I know I'm going to chronicle every detail, I'll stop and think about what I'm doing before I do it. It's human nature, isn't it?

In my session yesterday with Dr. K we did come to some conclusions and realizations about my night time eating. First, there is no structure once I leave work and walk into Nanny's house. It's a basic free for all. So, I definitely need to add some structure to that so that I can try and avoid that. Second, and this is so Freudian and cliche I'm embarrassed to write it, but apparently it does come down to childhood and your parents. At least in my case this is what it seems to be.

I've had to hide my eating from my parents in my childhood because I would get in trouble. They would actually yell at me for eating after dinner. I'm sure they had legitimate reasons, but what I got out of it was, you are a fatty and should not be eating. So I would have to do it in my room in hiding. Well, now, it's almost as if I'm doing it because I can. I'm the adult and can do what I want regardless of what other people's thoughts are. I know I have had this thought run through my mind with other things in my life, so it makes total sense that I would have it when it comes to this issue as well.

The other thing that had me thinking was that I'm no spring chicken. Keep staying overweight or losing and gaining the same 15 pounds and I'm going to eventually, and sooner rather than later, start having health issues. Well, that should be a more pressing reason for motivation to get my ass in gear. But you know what motivates me more. Not having a damn thing to wear. This is my motivation. Good or bad.

Last Chance Saloon by Mariane Keyes

I'm glad, glad, I'm not going out with you anymore. You made me completely bloody miserable the whole goddamn time. You're a total sadist and I've met a lovely man at work, and he thinksh I'm fantashtic and I jusht want you to know that you needn't worry about me because I'm fine. Just fine. Got that? Fine. F.I.N.N. Never been happier, actual---" Beeep, as she went over the message time.