Moved my blog

I've moved my blog to Wordpress. I'm hoping to be able to use the variety of features that they seem to have over this one. That and I can't figure out how to merge blogger accounts, but it was very easy to move this one over there. Hmm. Anyway, if I have anyone who reads my blog, then please find me at here.

Or type in ritaliccious.wordpress.com into your web browser.  Thanks!!

Pictures

I'll be sure to include more pictures from now on. I just went through and the posts with pictures are definitely more interesting than the posts without.

So in that regard, there's my coffee. I start every morning with a big cup.

It's Tuesday, which is a day I usually don't like. Shy was home sick yesterday. Allergies, not Swine.  She will be getting the H1N1 vaccine as they are giving them at her school.  I don't usually get flu shots, but there seems to be a higher incidence and the fact that the CEO of my company who is a Neo as well as someone whose opinion I value said to get it means that she will be getting it.  As will J.


Lunch is a veggie burger and some leftover mixed veggies. I'll have pictures of that at lunch time.

I'm off to get ready for work.

A new week

It's Monday. Again. Another one.  I definitely could have used another two days off.  Hopefully Shy is feeling better. Yesterday was a fun day with my friends at lunch. Then we had ice cream at Kilwin's and then hung out with the kiddo at Barnes & Noble.

We went to the grocery store and then came home to work on her book report.  After that I had a mini John Adams marathon and watched the first two episodes on DVD.  That was such a well done show.  I watched it with the kids since it was history and I wanted them to appreciate what it took to stand up for your convictions and beliefs back in that day and age.

I ended my evening with Don Draper and the gang of Mad Men. That is one of my favorite shows.

This morning I'm enjoying some coffee before I head out to work, after dropping the kids off at school.

I definitely should have taken off today. Or tomorrow. Or any day.

Another football day

Hopefully my Dolphins do better today than the Hurricanes did yesterday.

I love relaxing and being up early with my cup of coffee before everyone gets up.  I have quite a few things to do around the house, but I'm taking a bread at lunch time to have lunch with my friends from high school.  We try to get together at least once a month. We try to do it more, but it hasn't worked out that way.

I totally neglected my reading yesterday even though I did go to the library.  I'm hoping to finish the Uglies  today or tomorrow.  I have so many books on my TBR list that I'm not sure which one I'll pick up next. I'll probably pick back up Sunday Money since I am about half way through and dropped it to participate in the DystopYA challenge.

I'm down a pound this week.  Very happy about that. I know I made some positive changes, but I also know that there are a bunch of things I could change that would make the loss more significant. However, it's not about big pendulum swings but rather slow and steady progress that will remain.

Breakfast will probably be toast with coffee and a slice of cheese.  A light one since I'm going to lunch with the girls.  I'll try to remember to take more pictures.

Coffee calls.

It isn't a thriller in OT when you are on the losing side of the thriller

What a day.

I ran errands in the morning and did some housework. One of the errands was heading to the store to replace my Hurricanes hat which broke while I was getting dressed. Under normal circumstances a broken and unwearable Hurricane cap would not have required an immediate replacement. BUT, today was no ordinary Saturday. I was heading to the Clemson vs. Hurricanes game this afternoon and I needed to be sporting my UM pride.

Sadly, it didn't do anything for the team.  But the view from the box was amazing!

The game was exciting I suppose. since there were 12 lead changes. But, we lost it ourselves.  There was a lot of sloppy play where we weren't covering in the secondary, we were giving the opposing QB too much time to throw AND the penalties were ridiculous but warranted half the time.

Anyhow, I still love my 'Canes!

In other sports related activity, the Yankees and Angels game was postponed to tomorrow. The Dolphins play New Orleans tomorrow. You know, the New Orleans team that is still undefeated. The NO team that has Drew Brees, the quarterback we passed on.

I'm fading fast but I wanted to come on and say hi. Good night all.

Friday Night Lights

No, I didn't go to a football game. Just came home with the munchkin and had dinner

This was really good.  Shrimp fried rice that I made with some baby shrimp and a mix of broccoli slaw, snow peas and broccoli. There
s a couple of popcorn shrimp on top and that's amazing roasted cauliflower on the side. If you have never tried roasting cauliflower then I suggest you add it to your grocery list for today.  I absolutely love it. Sprinkled with some tarragon, thyme and lemon dill this time. Lemon juice and a dusting of parmesan cheese tops it off at the end of the roasting time. I used my mini oven and it toasted up quite nicely.  I wish I had more. Maybe then again not.

I watched Friday's GH and then watched a Dateline episode which freaked me out as always.  Those can be scary when you are home alone.  Ugh, I'm such a wimp sometimes.

I woke up Saturday morning to this

I'm not sure if you can see it in the background there, but it's a rainbow. It must have rained on and off throughout the night (I'm one of those dead to the world kind of sleepers so I'm not sure) but this is what I woke up to when I walked out my front door.

Today involves running some errands this morning and then potentially going to the Clemson vs Univ of Miami game later this afternoon.  I'm waiting to hear back from a friend who has an extra ticket. The cool thing is that it is in a box, so that if it rains we won't get wet.  Additionally, I'll get to bring my daughter with me since it's in the box.  She and I had plans for the afternoon but we rearranged them and would rather go to the game.

Have a great Saturday!!

Happy New Year!

Today's my January 1st. The day I begin with my resolutions etc.  If I do, then I'll be down at least 10-20 pounds.  As I've mentioned, I've come to realize the reasons that I eat at night. It's not just a bad habit, but rather my own defeatism as well as Lois. You remember Lois right? The name I gave to my alternate self that always puts me down. I would kick Lois' ass if she talked to my friends like that, so why do I let her talk about me like that.

 

I've been visualizing myself through my daughter's eyes and have found that it's been an eye opener. She thinks I am beautiful and loves me unconditionally regardless of what I weigh. I know that eventually, I will truly believe that I am worthy. Actually, you know what, I am. I'm not going to throw the pity party for myself anymore.  I'm worthy of happiness right now. The number on the scale doesn't define that.  It won't ever again.

 

However, I do need to lose weight, first and foremost to get within my healthy weight range. I am not going to obsess on one number, but rather what the healthy range is and get to that. By eating and acting like the healthy and thin person I want to be. She's in there, I just have to let her out.

 

I am happy to report that I didn't eat anything after dinner. No snack. Yes, re-read that. It says I had no snack. And according to Dr. Oz a 24 hour fast is a good way to cleanse yourself of impurities in a natural and healthy way, not using harmful chemicals and expensive products that you see marketed all the time. I chose today to do that. I have to admit to drinking coffee with milk in it, because I would be useless if I didn't have my coffee. Hey! Leave it at that. One demon at a time ok.  I'll get to eat dinner since that will have completed my 24 hour cycle.  It's 430p as I write this and I will admit to not feeling quite right. Let's just say I'm counting down until I get to eat again.  I needed to to do this exercise for a couple of reasons. Mainly though, I wanted to feel real hunger. I wanted to know and to show myself that hunger is NOT an emergency. (yes, I've stolen this from The Beck Diet Solution and one of her exercises).  And I needed to prove this to myself.

 

I'll finishing up at the job, where thankfully this one individual who doesn't thrill me has been particularly busy today and after a rocky morning has settled down for the day. I'm leaving here, stopping at the library to renew some DVDs that I checked out. (Devil Wear's Prada,Mad Money, Nanny Diaries)  I'm getting Shy from Nanny's. I was going to stop at Target and get that done tonight, but I'm not feeling like shopping right now. I'll be heading straight home to heat up my veggie mix and chicken (again, yes, I'm eating chicken) and maybe having it with some quinoa pilaf.  I'm also going to have a green monster (no, I STILL haven't tried those) for a snack tonight, if I need one. Probably I won't, so maybe that will be breakfast tomorrow. Either way, I'm busting out the camera. It's time to document all of my food. I mean, it is my January resolution afterall.

Special Place in Hell

For people who harm children.

I've been watching the news on the little girl who was murdered in northern Florida and I wasn't going to blog about it, but I feel compelled to express my sadness for this family. I have a 6 y/o little girl, so of course I make the natural comparison's but any parent would feel the gut wrenching horror that this poor mom is going through.

Who can harm a little girl like that? And this poor, poor woman. My heart breaks for her.

And I don't want to hear one more time about who lets a seven year old walk home without adult supervision. You don't know the situation and you don't know the circumstance that lead to that horrible and tragic decision. As I said, it's luck. We (parents) have all made seemingly innocuous decisions that could have led to tragedy but didn't. This poor woman will be forever questioning herself.

How do you survive something like that? I just saw her on the Today show and she seems incredibly strong. Much more so than I would have been.

I'm going to hug my children now.

TGIF!!!

The kids don't have school today and I realize that I should have taken the day off. But I didn't. So, I'll drop them off and go to work, but I'll try to get out early that's for sure.

Nothing exciting today.

The kids are getting the h1n1 flu shot. And I'm not really sure I believe in flu shots, but they are going to get them anyway. Yes, I reviewed the pros and cons and came to this decision.  If something happened and I didn't have them get the shot the guilt and hindsight would kill me. Yes, that is the main reason that I am getting them the flu shots.

In other weight related news, I've been working some internal work and realize what and why I eat and what positive intent it gives me. Now, I just need to work out the habits and get into something else. Well, last night, first night I don't eat at night after dinner. Yea me.  That was huge for me.

Try, try again

I'm trying to think of a quote, something like "the difference between failure and success is one more try." I think I just made that up.  But I like it.

I'm going to try again today. And keep trying until I make it through a full day.  It's that important to me.

I have to watch the Devil Wears Prada. Apparently, according to a friend of mine at work, the Glen Close character is just like my female boss and what her expectations are.  Well, said boss is back today. Yesterday was a nice and quiet day at work. We'll see what it brings.

I like to think that I can trace my struggles with when said boss was promoted and thus got on her power kick, thus increasing my chronic stress levels, but that's just an excuse. Some kind of spell comes over me when I walk in the door at the end of the day and I need to bust out of this rut.  It's gone on long enough.  I'm sure I'd make a great case study at the local College of Psychology.  Speaking of therapy, I'm thinking of not going back. I mean, I've gained 15 pounds since I've been going, so part of me thinks, what the hell am I doing. I do, however, realize, that I've made some serious progress on the demons that I have. Although, you won't see me posting a crazy ass video on here like poor Kanye did on his website. That dude is a case study for sure.

Today will be a busy day I'm sure. I'm just sitting here enjoying the quiet before it begins with some coffee.  Breakfast will be my standard fare, a bagel at Nanny's.  Lunch will be salad with some leftover chicken on top.  I'll have a yogurt w/kashi cereal as a topping for a snack in the afternoon with my tea and then dinner will probably be mixed veggies with some lentils and rice.  My evening snack will be popcorn or a popsicle.

Definitely woke up too early. I'm tired already and I haven't even gotten dressed yet.

I miss my friend

No pictures of my food today. Sorry.

This is going to be a rather short post as well as I'm just not in the mood to write. Well, I could always write, but if it isn't anything meaningful, then all I'm doing is typing grammatically correct sentences. And even that is questionable.

I miss my friend.  This person knows who they are. Or they should. I miss talking about everything and anything.  I miss the comfortable lapses of silence.  I miss the friendship most of all. Knowing that someone was thinking of you and waiting to share the day's events at the end of the day.

There will be some of you who are so vain that like Warren to my Carly you will think this post is about you. It isn't.

I've denied the funk that I've been in for months because of the ending of this friendship. I was able to distract myself for awhile but eventually I suppose I need to acknowledge it. My sadness about the ending of this friendship.  I have to in order to move on. I miss you friend. But I'm letting go and moving on.  I was able to see today that I've been holding out for a rekindling of our friendship. I see now, that it won't happen.  I've learned a lot from it.

In the meantime, I'm going to go watch West Wing and read.  Not necessarily in that order.

Manic Monday

Not really. I've said this before, but I totally don't mind Monday's.  Both bosses are out of the office, so I can use this time to play catch up.  I'll be trying to utilize Google Calendar as I really prefer the functionality that it has vs Outlook or iCal (both of which I have/use) because I can access the calendar anywhere, from any computer.  The fact that I can have tasks incorporated with the calendar are one of the things I like. My preference, of course, would be if I could use iCal and Outlook at the same time w/my iPhone. Outlook at work and iCal at home. If you know how, let me in on the secret. kthnx

In eating and health related news, I'm up two pounds. WTF??  How did that happen. Apparently the same way someone can not really pay too much attention to what they are eating and go down two pounds. (Yes, Michael, this means you!)  Well, I know I haven't been writing EVERYTHING down, so I guess it's time to own it and do it. I'll need to plan out my meals in advance. I always am more successful when I do that.

My breakfast today is the same thing I have every morning: a bagel w/a spritz of butter spray and a tbsp off sugar free orange marmalade.  Lunch will be a sandwich using up the leftover chicken breast. Yes, I started eating fowl on occasion. Sorry if that disappoints my veggie/vegan friends.  Dinner is going to be a veggie stirfy w/a garden burger. Pictures to follow later.

Now for some local news, fall is finally here.  We went from record highs of 92 to a record low of 57 the next night. Yes, it's true and I'm not exaggerating.  It was so nice to open all the windows and enjoy the weather for a change.

Time to get the kiddo-s up and at 'em.  Enjoy your Monday.

BOTNS Books Podcast #47: DystopYA | Books on the Nightstand Blog and Books Podcast

I have not only read The Hunger Games by Suzanne Collins for this challenge, but I couldn't help but to immediately read Catching Fire as well. I was so enthralled by The Hunger Games, that I skipped all my other books that were in queue before Catching Fire to read it immediately. And read it I did, in about three days.

The Hunger Games, begins with Katniss in the woods with Gale. The year isn't really known but it's a good ways into the future. The United States, obviously is no more and now is known as Panem. The 50 states have been broken into 12 Districts and are under strict control from "The Capitol" which is somewhere near Denver. I can understand the sisterly love and sacrifice that Katniss makes for her sister. This book is a YA novel and I don't really read that genre, but the writing was good and kept me in suspense almost the entire time. I found myself wanting Katniss to really be in love with Peeta and I suppose that in a way, she does find herself in love with him. I have to keep reminding myself that these are teenagers that I am reading about. I did like the Romeo and Juliet ending, albeit not as deadly as Shakespeare's original.

Moving towards Catching with Fire and trying not to give it away for anyone who is reading this and hasn't read the books yet, I can honestly say that I didn't see where the plot was going. Each plot twist was surprising to me. I soon became as confused as Katniss and didn't know who to trust and who not to trust. I definitely didn't see the ending of the second book coming either. As a matter of face, I had to go back and re-read the last few pages to be sure that I was comprehending what the author was trying to tell me. Really?? How did I not see this ending coming? And better yet, when the hell is the third book coming out.

I have to say, I thank Ann (and Michael) for pointing me towards this series. It's the second series (Girl w/the Dragon Tattoo being the first) that I am scouring the internet trying to see when the publishing dates are and marking them on my google calendar. A first for me.

And was I the only one who puts myself into the story and imagines how I would survive living in a country like that?? I could totally go off on a political tangent now, but I'll save it for another post. I'm such a tease, I know.



EDIT OF ORIGINAL POST

So, I realized that I left out the things that I didn't like. Or why I liked it other than I just found it to be a page turner.  I feel that anytime a book elicits a strong emotion, be it anger, frustration or impatience or positive emotions such as happiness or excitement that it must be well written. Well, these two books hit all of those and then some.  Currently, the biggest emotion is anticipation. Anticipation of the third novel to quell the curiosity that the crazy cliffhanger that Collins left for us.  But I'm putting the cart ahead of the horse. Because I also felt frustration for Katniss and her inability to see that Peeta really is the one she should choose. I never really connected with Gale because he seemed to be a supporting character in both books. I know he figured prominently in Katniss' mind, but for us, the reader, there were too few instances where he appeared for me to be able to connect with him. I was rooting for Peeta all the way, and actually got angry with him when he failed to fight for Katniss and was willing to let her go so easily.

I guess the one thing that I didn't like about the novel was that they had to go back to the Arena and fight again. Big plot moment in that, yes, I know, but I still thought there would have been or could have been a different way to do this. To get the rebellion going.  I did have to say that I did enjoy it once I got past my anger at them having to get tossed back into the games.

I never realized that this was supposed to be a trilogy so imagine my shock and surprise at the ending.  It's been hours since I finished it and I am still stunned.

Sunday Competition

Shy had another gymnastics competition this morning. she did great! All of her scores went up, except the beam which stayed the same. Her score would have been even higher had she not forgotten one of her jumps on the beam. I'm so proud of her and she is really into this. She breathes, eats and sleeps gymnastics. The only down side is that the older she gets the more time consuming it is. So, I'm a gymnastics mom!

The bad thing about drawing an 8a start time is that you have to get up really early, especially since the meet was about 45 min away. The good thing is that we are done and home by 11a and the day isn't totally lost. I've got laundry (don't I always) to do and then we will be hitting up Books-a-Million for Jon for his weekly comic book fix.

Dolphins are on a bye week, so it'll just be NASCAR today.

In other random news, I still chuckle ala Beavis and Butthead anytime I hear the term 'tea baggers' in a political sense.

TGIF BITCHEZZZZZ!!!!!!!

It's Friday. I've got some new clothes from my good friend D and it makes me feel really good to look good again. I cleaned out my closet last night and that purging and organizing is something that really centers me. Are you like that as well? I'm totally running late and need to go and get dressed for work.

I'm going to start using Google Calendar to see if I can get myself more organized than I am. Work has been really crazy lately and it seems that I'm going to have to take a more proactive role in certain areas of my work life. I'm ok with that, I'm just trying to figure out how to be efficient and effective without making myself totally crazy.

I'm also going to plan my meals for the week and hit the grocery store. I'm feeling so energized after finally getting out there and running again. Of course I didn't run the whole time, but I ran more than I walked. Either way, it really does feel good, and makes me want to eat right.

Went Running

I almost didn't. I almost dragged my clothes and running shoes back into the car without using them. As I had been doing this entire week. And last week as well, if I'm being honest. But not today. Got to the door of the bathroom and without thinking just went into the big stall to change my clothes. I started to make excuses...there's laundry to do...I'm 15 minutes late...it's set me even more behind...I'd rather just go eat dinner and read a book. But then, I thought to myself, remember that feeling. You know the one. That feeling of having just powered through something that you didn't want to do but knew that you would feel great if you did it anyway. The feeling of accomplishment. The feeling of sweat running down your face and the after effect of stretching. How good it is to stop running after you've done it for so long. You know,"C'mon! Just get through this next 2 min/song/to the next tree/corner whatever the case may be milestone. Then I can walk", you tell yourself. Well, I hadn't felt that in a very long time. AND, my friend D wants to run a 5K on 10/31. Well, that's just two weeks away. If I'm going to do that, then I definitely need to get my ass out there. So I did. And man did it feel good.

Not all the time, and definitely not at first. But when the sweat started dripping down my face and I had those running songs on. Well, it was like visiting with an old friend. It just felt good.

I did almost three miles today. I can totally handle that. Watch out. I'm back.

BOTNS Books Podcast #47: DystopYA | Books on the Nightstand Blog and Books Podcast

BOTNS Books Podcast #47: DystopYA | Books on the Nightstand Blog and Books Podcast

My book, as previously mentioned, is The Hunger Games by Suzanne Collins. I've just finished reading it and will post a review this week. It was one of those books I couldn't put down and stayed up late to read.

Heat, heat and more heat

OMG, it's been so hot lately. It's October, and while I do remember times where it was warm/humid on Halloween, I truly don't remember this horrible heat before this late in the year.

I've been feeling a restlessness. This in and of itself is nothing new. But, I've been thinking more and more of moving northward. The biggest problem is my job. I've been there for 14 years. I suppose the best scenario is one where I get a promotion in a different city and therefore can still keep my job and scratch my restlessness.

I had yesterday off which was quite nice. Not the original reason that I had the day off but the fact that we were finished by 10a and I had the rest of the day to myself. I wound up running errands and doing chores at home, but I watched a couple West Wing episodes and this, for me, is definitely a treat. I loved that show and there hasn't been a show on it since for me. There are a couple who come close, but they still lack something.

I finished The Hunger Games. I'll have an official review coming up, but needless to say, it was one of those books that I couldn't put down and needed to finish. It was that good.

In sports related news, the Dolphins won!! We beat the hated Jets. Which is my usual goal for the season. Beat the Jets and the Patriots. Well, one out of two isn't so bad.

I've been eating intuitively, or at least trying to. It's obviously working since I lost over a pound this week. Hopefully, this momentum will continue. I'm going to do it anyway. Time to get ready for work.

The Hunger Games by Suzanne Collins

The FTC doesn't have to worry about me writing about books. This one I checked out of the library. And the other's I've done I've bought on my own.

For those of who don't know what I'm referring to, the short story is that the FTC apparently doesn't have enough to do so they decided to focus on book bloggers (bloggers in general actually) and that anytime a blogger reviews a book that they have to give full disclosure. OR something like that because in typical government form they are very ambiguous and not clear at all what their expectations are.

Anyway, I digress.

I started reading this book as part of the BOTNS DystopYA challenge. Well, I was sucked in from the first page. Ok, maybe the second page. By the time they were at the square and pulling names for The Hunger Games, I too was yelling, no, no. And wondering, could this really happen. I look forward to reading this over the weekend. I'll finish it by tomorrow probably.

Hope lives again

Wow! President Obama won the Nobel Peace Prize. I'm sitting here in shock because I don't think anyone expected this. But this does touch my cynical heart. While I tell my children all the time that if they work hard enough, they can accomplish anything, truth be told, I don't really believe that. There are so many obstacles that are out of your control, that sometimes, it takes more than hard work. It takes luck. And money. Neither of which seem to be abundant in my life. I'm not whining about it, since I do have riches in other areas that matter. The way things are, it seems to me that there isn't much hope for them, even if they work hard.

President Obama has given me back that glimmer of hope, that yea, if you work hard, even coming from poverty, you can do anything. We don't live in poverty, but we do live paycheck to paycheck. And there isn't a lot of money for extras. Usually, this can bog me down. Seeing the President win the Nobel Prize, while he has so many detractors and so many critics makes me feel like you can persevere. The fact is, he came from nothing and look where his hard work has taken him. I have hope again, that the little boy in the bedroom across the hall can make his dreams come true. The little girl in the room next to his can as well. I can help them affect change. I believe this again. It's actually a nice feeling.

I can't wait until the kids wake up to tell them.

Best Missed Connection on Craigslist so far

to the lady that i repoed her car - m4w - 23 (Hollywood)

---

Date: 2009-09-30, 1:22AM EDT

---

me= the repo man who took your car
you= the lady that came running outside as i was driving away in my black tow truck

you looked pretty cute and i know the sterio type repo men are white trash and nasty... but im dead sexy :D

what kind of car do (or did) you have? hit me up i might be able to help you get it back :D

OMFG! This is great! LMAO!!

Just Write (sung to lady gaga's just dance)

That's what all the books about writing say. Read, then write. Then rinse and repeat apparently. So, that's what I'm doing. Actually, I'm going to enter a contest. The Washington Post is having a "pundit" contest in which you submit a short (no word count, ugh, torture) essay about a topic currently in the news. Then you write a brief bio paragraph. LMAO!! Since when am I brief. The winner gets a semi-regular column or space in the Post. I'm not sure if it's the paper or online version that they refer too, but either way, for me, the aspiring wanna-be writer, I figure it's worth a paragraph or two.

Except that I'm never sure if I can keep it at that length. Then of course, there's the matter of choosing the subject. Well, shit, I work in healthcare and that topic couldn't be more prevalent, right? Sure, you say, write about what you know. Except what if writing about what you know, could get you in trouble with the powers that be. Of course, it would really be more of an op-ed piece. Hah, or even an insider story. Ooh, which reminds me, I am considered an insider by the SEC, so I don't suppose that I could write what I know even if I wanted to, right? Or write. Or Just Write (again with the Lady Gaga Ear Worm). Speaking of Lady Gaga, did you guys see her the other night with Madonna. Yea, that skit wasn't the funniest, but I'll admit I did chuckle a couple of times.

I'm just about half way through with Await Your Reply. And it's due back at the library tomorrow. I don't think I can read half a book in one night. So I'll have to recheck it out again, and hope that I remember where I left off. Sadly, the finances do not foresee a trip to B&N or Borders this week. Or anytime soon. It's about to be the Holiday Season, and I've got to start planning and saving now. Otherwise, come December, the kids (really just Shy) will be in for a rude awakening. They'll think that Santa dissed them. Well, he should. That reminds me, did I ever tell you guys about the time that I really put coal under the tree for my eldest.

Wait, don't yell at me yet, hear me out. He was being such an ass. Spoiled rotton kid. Really, he was. Hell, he still is, only difference is he is a man now. Anyway, I warned him about a million and one times that Santa doesn't bring presents to little boys who disrespect their Mommy (he was like 8 at the time, Jon was 2 and Summer must have been 14 or so. Anyway, he started hyperventilating Christmas morning when he saw that there were no presents but rather a bag of charcoal. Sadists that we are, we started laughing, until I felt a slight twinge of guilt. Hey! He totally deserved it, and if I could, I'd give him coal again this year, but he's 18 and knows it's me now. Anyway, his presents were in the closet, the little shit, and we gave it to him. After he acknowledged that he was really sorry for being disrespectful. I don't think it lasted until the 26th.

Enough procrastinating, I'm off to clean up the dinner dishes and read a bit. I must be getting old because I've been falling asleep at 10pm-ish these days. 10p is the 11p.

Random musings that aren't worthy of their own post

I'm over hearing about the Kanye/Beyone/Taylor incident. Really. Done. Get over it people.

I don't understand why the library lets you check out up to 40 books but doesn't let you renew if someone has a hold on it.

If it's on Twitter, it's not breaking news stop-the-presses worthy.

I am never going to finish "Await Your Reply" by Thursday. I'm about 1/2 way through. Sadly, I have to work.

Is it wrong that I chuckled when I heard Tom Delay had to bow out of Dancing With the Starts. Hah. I'm evil, I know.

I love Mad Men. It makes me miss smoking. Not enough to endure the ramifications of actually smoking. But enough that I wish that there weren't any ramifications.

The FTC really doesn't have anything better to do.

Even though I love Mad Men, West Wing is still my favorite show, ever.

When is it going to get a little cool down here. I mean, it is October. Today was a good day. I journaled everything. I now you were wondering. I may take a walk tomorrow. If it doesn't rain. And even if it does. I may channel Gene Kelly.

Acceptance of myself through others

It's another week, and I'll start again today. Start changing my lifestyle, how I eat. Listen to my body and give it the fuel that it needs, not eat out of nervous energy to stuff my emotions. My mom said that to me yesterday, that as she observed me eating, it looked like nervous energy. It was good to hear that actually, because it put a visual to the feelings and emotions I go through. As I weighed in, I am up again. Two more pounds and I am not surprised. I'm also not freaking out about it. In actuality, I think I'm finally able to let this weight go. To release it the right way. It's been giving me the perspective of my life that I need. I've mentioned before how I feel that whenever I've been really thin that my priorities weren't in order. I think that they are in order for the first time in a very long time, years in fact.

It's really about the way you eat and how you live life. I said something to my daughter yesterday that my mom said that she really likes the way I said it to her. She, my daughter, had said she was finished with dinner and I said, are you satisfied? My 6 year old then says, what does that mean? And I answer, "not hungry." Did you get that?? Not hungry. That's what we need to eat to, not full. But satisfied, which means not hungry. And this was something that I really want her to learn. My mom said that she really liked the way that conversation went, because I am showing her, at a very young age, how to eat and how to feel about food. And that is, not feelings at all. It's fuel that we eat for energy. I need to remember this.

Of course, my daughter has been instrumental in my learning how to accept and love myself and not be so self critical. I love her unconditionally and the emotions are so strong for her. This is how I need to think of myself. I've realized that. I teach her and she makes mistakes but I don't think horrible things about her because of this. I don't, instead, I want to use those opportunities to teach her to grow and improve herself. Well, then, why can't I...no change that, why don't I treat myself that way. I'm not sure of the why, but what I do know is that I am and have been treating myself that way.

Wow, this was a long post, but one that I needed to get out. I look forward to each and every day as they are really gifts. Enjoy each moment.

In other random news, I'm going to start reading The Hunger Games by Suzanne Collins as part of a Dystopia YA challenge on Books on the Nightstand podcast and blog that I follow. (See my blogroll, they are there).

Sleepy Saturday

I have to be up at the crack of dawn to take Shy to a gymnastics competition. I'm yawning, but continue reading Await Your Reply.

Had a fun day with the kids and my Mom, who is down visiting strictly to see Shy compete tomorrow. I'll be sure to update when I get home what her scores were. We hit the book stores today and I picked up Vincent Bugliosi's tome on the Kennedy Assassination. John's that is. This book is huge, but according to the flap summary and the TOC, it covers every aspect of the case and what is and isn't true. This is a book to keep. I'll read bits of it at a time, I'm sure, since it's so large.

Then Shy and I went to the library since our libraries are now closed on Sundays and we won't have an opportunity to go as was our routine. I guess Sat library visits are now going to be the norm. I got some vegetarian cookbooks and a chick lit book on Sex and the City that came in.

I've also heard murmuring that The Girl Who Kicked Hornets will be out in 2010. I hope so as I feel like The Girl Who Played With Fire left me hanging. I mean, who survives a bullet to the brain?? Well, I guess if it a bibi gun (which is what I'm going with) then I suppose it was possible.

In other completely random and unrelated news, I'm so excited that Brett Musberger is giving Randy Shannon props on ABC and the game, Hurricanes vs. Oklahoma. It looks like OK is going to score. Ugh, I've got to get to bed since I've got to be up so early.

Pop Psychology from General Hospital

Right, so I can hear you now. "Oh God, don't tell me her blog post is going to be about GH." You have to listen to me go on and on about GH on a regular basis if you follow me on twitter or facebook. Seriously though. Yesterday, Dom/Dante (I don't know the actor's name off the top of my head) said something to Lulu (Julie Berman) that resonated with me. So much so that I mentioned it to my therapist today. And it was definitely something I needed to hear.

Let me set it up for those of you who don't watch this fabulous show (you really should check it out, ya, I know it's a soap, but it's really well done) I digress. Maxi and Spinelli just had their Non-Wedding and everyone was at Jake's (the local bar) at the reception. Lulu (Luke and Laura's daughter. Surely you know who Luke and Laura are. They are the stuff of legends) was talking to Dante/Dom about how great it was to see how happy Maxie and Spinelli were and how she is Maxie's best friend and is so happy for them, but wonders if it is possible for her. If she will ever find someone for her. This is something that I often wonder for myself. I'm always going back and forth as to whether there is someone out there for me. And usually I wind up thinking, why can't I find what they (generic happy couple) have. Lulu said the same thing to Dominic/Dante. "When is it going to be my turn. When will I have what they have?" And his response to her was something I need to remember.

"You won't ever have what they have. You'll have what you have."

It bears repeating, "you'll have what you have." And that is what we are supposed to have.

I need to remember this. I don't need what they have. I need what I need, what I have.

Rainy Days and Mondays

Well, they don't always get me down. Especially since I don't have to work this particular Monday. Went to the grocery store and planned out some great, simple meals for the week. I'm feeling strong about being on plan. This has to come from within, and I'm finally at a place where it is. The changes within are finally manifesting themselves on the outside. No, I haven't lost weight yet, but I suppose you have to begin with day and pound one, right?

I'm making spaghetti and whole wheat pasta for the kids today. I'll have whole wheat pasta salad that I've made with tuna. Pictures to follow.

In other important news, Shy had her first gymnastics competition yesterday and she won second place in the balance beam. Whoo Hoo!! I was so proud of her. She medaled 9th overall.

Olympics 2020 here we come!

Banned Books Week

Banned Books week began yesterday. I borrowed this from April's site

Banned Books Week Proclamation

WHEREAS, the freedom to read is essential to our democracy, and reading is among our greatest freedoms; and

WHEREAS, privacy is essential to the exercise of that freedom, and the right to privacy is the right to open inquiry without having the subject of one's interest examined or scrutinized by others; and

WHEREAS, the freedom to read is protected by our Constitution; and

WHEREAS some individuals, groups, and public authorities work to remove or limit access to reading materials, to censor content in schools, to label "controversial" views, to distribute lists of "objectionable" books or authors, and to purge libraries of materials reflecting the diversity of society; and

WHEREAS, both governmental intimidation and the fear of censorship cause authors who seek to avoid controversy to practice self-censorship, thus limiting our access to new ideas; and

WHEREAS, every silencing of a heresy, every enforcement of an orthodoxy, diminishes the toughness and resilience of American society and leaves it less able to deal with controversy and difference; and

WHEREAS, Americans still favor free enterprise in ideas and expression, and can be trusted to exercise critical judgment, to recognize propaganda and misinformation, and to make their own decisions about what they read and believe, and to exercise the responsibilities that accompany this freedom; and

WHEREAS, intellectual freedom is essential to the preservation of a free society and a creative culture; and

WHEREAS, conformity limits the range and variety of inquiry and expression on which our democracy and our culture depend; and

WHEREAS, the American Library Association's Banned Books Week: Celebrating the Freedom to Read is observed during the last week of September each year as a reminder to Americans not to take their precious freedom for granted; and

WHEREAS, Banned Books Week celebrates the freedom to choose or the freedom to express one's opinion even if that opinion might be considered unorthodox or unpopular and stresses the importance of ensuring the availability of those unorthodox or unpopular viewpoints to all who wish to read them; now, therefore, be it

RESOLVED, that the Good Books & Good Wine blog celebrates the American Library Association's Banned Books Week, September 26th through October 3rd, and be it further

RESOLVED, that the Good Books & Good Wine blog encourages all libraries and bookstores to acquire and make available materials representative of all the people in our society; and be it further

RESOLVED, that the Good Books & Good Wine blog encourages free people to read freely, now and forever.

I just finished reading this book. It continues the story of Lisbeth Salander and Mikeal Blomkvist that I read in The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo. Both were excellent. However, there were time that I found myself shaking my head in disbelief. Salander felt as if she were all alone against the world, which is actually something Blomkvist says towards the end of the book. I thought this pages before he actually says it and I have to say I found her cynicism a bit much.

I also found the ending not satisfying at all. But perhaps, that is the point. Knowing thought that there is only one more book to come, I sincerely hope that the story gets wrapped up. Although, I can and will as I'm sure others will make up my own ending, ala the Sopranos.

In other unrelated new, I realize that the title of my blog doesn't relate anymore to what I write about. It should, and I feel guilty about it from time to time. Although, I went to buy clothes on yesterday and having had an unsuccessful outing (read nothing fit) I decided that I can't go on treating myself this way. I'm a good person, and I have a good soul. Who doesn't deserve to live the way I've been living. I guess I've finally accepted myself for who I am. I'm not a victim, I'm just me. And I don't want to eat like crap anymore. That's the way I've been eating and not at all what I meant when I titled this blog. So, I'm done with that. Truly.

I rode the bike for 30 min today.

Chore Day Saturday

I'm actually almost done with the chores. I just have left the laundry. We will be returning some things to the library and then church later. Probably have a coffee and B&N afterwards. Yea, I know I don't need anymore books, but I like to go and have coffee and be around the books. THis is better than having and getting more books.

And then tomorrow is the big day!!! Shy has her first gymnastics competition. I can't wait. She's been practicing hard and is definitely ready. Pictures and videos to follow.

And I decided on reading The Graveyard Book. I'm about halfway through and I'm sure to finish it by tonight. It's really cute so far. Odd to say a book about ghosts and graveyards is cute, but well, there it is.

For some reason my bank's website keeps freezing up when I try to log on. Maybe they are trying to tell me something :)

oh yea, and Hurricane football at 3:30pm. Definitely will need to keep an eye on that. Have a great Sat everyone!

10 Book To Read Before You Die

One of the blogs I follow, Bookalicious, posted about listing out the 10 books you must read before you die. Oh, my! I'm imagining that since I own over 400 books that I haven't read yet, that some of those books are there. Probably, but I'm sure that there are a few that aren't. And how in the world can you just pick 10? The majority of the ones that come straight to my mind are many of the classics. All the Jane Austen books that I haven't read. Democracy in America by Alexis DeTocqueville's and the biography of John Adams by David McCullough speak to the political junkie that I am. Those books help paint an important portrait of what our country was founded on. An important thing for me.

There is no way that I can limit the list to just 10.

Tell me your ten. Help fill my list.

Pick the next book I read

I have so many to choose from. So I'm asking you to pick one for me. I'm wrapping up The Girl Who Played With Fire. I'm enjoying it, but it has me annoyed right now. I did that with the 1st book in this series as well. Am I supposed to believe that this chick has been abused sexually and mentally by every man in her life except Blomkvist?? Really?? I can't imagine that the majority of Swedish men are such complete pricks. Maybe it's just the one's that Lisbeth comes across that are douche's. Anyway, I'll reserve final judgement to when I finally finish it. Which should be sometime this weekend. Definitely by Saturday.

My next book is between the following:

The Graveyard Book by Neil Gaiman

Await Your Reply by Dan Chaon

I usually read more than one at a time, but these are library books that are due soon. I just can't decide which one to read first.

Thanks for your help.

Budget Cuts

Hmmm, they can fun drug rehab for prisoners but library programs get cut. As do arts endowments. That just pisses me off.

Football

I tried to stay up to watch my Dolphins last night as the game was tied going into the 4th quarter. I fell asleep of course, and found out this morning that I didn't miss anything. Well, yes, the game was great as it apparently came right down to the wire. But, since my team came out on the losing end I was glad I fell asleep. I had no desire to experience the "heartbreaking loss." Yea, I get enough heart break on my own, no need to add to the pile.

Today's is Tuesday. The day I dread the most. But, I'm leaving work early to take care of something so, it won't be too bad. Unless it is.

I realized the other day that I have over 400 unread books. WTF?? Really? I didn't realize I had that many. And as a friend pointed out, that's a book a day for over a year. Since I know I won't be reading a book a day, I realize I've probably have enough books to last me two years. And I know that there will be some books that I don't own that I want to read coming up. Like the stack of library books that I am looking at. That's it. No more books coming into the house. Unless they are classics that I will want to own. Otherwise, no more.

I've managed to abide by this rule with cookbooks, so I'm sure it won't be a problem with actual books.

I think I've hit a bad patch with this podcast that I listen to again. I've had this happen before, but usually in the past, I managed to glean some kind of truth from it and manage to find it useful. This is the first time that I've listened to more than two in a row and have been quite 'meh' about it. I'll listen to the rest, just because I'm anal that way, but I may fast forward through some of it it if continues this boring.

I'm more than half way through The Girl Who Played With Fire and I really like it. It isn't one of those books that I have to read and that keeps me up, but it's good. It's such a phenomenon that I almost feel guilty saying that. I'll read it and I'm enjoying it. I doubt it'll be a keeper though. Maybe I'll hold onto it until the third comes out next year so that when I give them away I'll give away the set. Oooh, or maybe I'll have some kind of freebee giveaway on here like I see other bloggers do. Let me know what you think about that?

Weight loss?? Proper eating and nutrition?? Am I supposed to discuss these things on here?? Suffice to say, I'm working on it.

***tap, tap, tap****

Is this thing on??????

History repeats itself

Doesn't it??

I'm watching a tribute to Peter, Paul, and Mary since the Mary of that trio passed away this week. For some reason, other than this, I've been bombarded with images of the 70's. I was just a little kid then, being born in '69. And my memories of course, are clouded, but I seem to remember the anti-war movement and the economy being in the shitter (I don't care Bernanke says, we are still there) I look at the people in these 70's clips and wonder if they felt the way we do. They must have, I remember the newscasts. I remember way the world was. I guess the biggest difference is back then it was just the Soviets that we had to be afraid of and now, well, it's not a nation state so much as the ever present "terrorism." The face of which is Osama. How about the asian nations ? Was it like this back then? Are my memories clouded by childhood? Or is it that I'm now an adult and of course it seems worse to me now.

My parents say it's worse now, but that at the time it felt just as bad? I suppose that these are rhetorical questions. Because if any of us had the answers we would be in D.C. and have a chance at the nomination of a Nobel Prize.

And I always go back to, I wonder how different this world would be if the person who won in 2000 was able to actually be the President.

The birthday party yesterday was awesome!! I see that Shy will definitely have to switch gyms when she gets older if she continues the path of gymnastics. One of that gyms girls made the Nationals in Texas this year. The only one in the entire South Florida area. I feel like Kim in Ms Saigon, "I'll give my life for you." Which I would, for this kid. For her to reach her dreams. Happily.

In food and weight loss, I lost 2.2 pounds his week. Yea me. I really didn't do anything except curb the nighttime eating. This is really quite motivating. To quote Rocky, "it's what you do when life smacks you done that matters. Not when or whether you get smacked. Keep moving forward." Ok, maybe that wasn't the exact quote but I think you get the idea.

I'm off to enjoy my Sunday.

Saturday, sleepy Saturday

I fell asleep watching tv last night. Before 11p. Which is odd for me, but I guess I just needed the extra sleep. Unfortunately, my neck wasn't in the best position and now it is a little sore. I'm working it out though.

Today, we have chore morning and then a birthday party from 2p-4p. It's for Shy, but J has a birthday party to go to as well, so I'll drop him off and pick him up later. I'll go to the grocery store after the party and figure out my weekly meals.

I know it sounds boring, but I love being home and doing domestic things. By the end of the day, my house will have the fresh clean smell, the laundry will be done and food will have been prepared. It's slightly rainy so that will be a good time to watch a dvd or read. I think I'll watch Rocky Balboa for my Saturday movie night.

I went to the library yesterday and a lot of my books came in at once. I hate when that happens. But at least, hopefully, I can renew them. I've got The Book Thief, The Graveyard, a couple of books on writing, a book of poems by Elizabeth and Robert Browning, a book of poems by Langston Hughes, and John Adams by David McCullough. I know I'll want to own this book, but I wanted to start reading it. I also really, really, really want the HBO miniseries on DVD. Can someone please mention this to my mother?

It's my Friday Bitchez!!

It's really Thursday, but since I don't have to go to work tomorrow it's my Friday. Yee Haw!! So what excitement do I have planned. hah! not too much, I'll tell you that. I'm going to play a stay at home mom and drop the kiddos off at school. Plan my meals for the week. Grocery shop. Head to a library book sale and then take Anthony to Cheesecake to apply for a job. I hope he gets it. He's been down lately. Then it's time to pick the kiddos up and head home.

I'm not sure what we will wind up doing after I get them from school, but I do know one thing. I am not cooking dinner. I'll have to figure that out later as well. I'll be sure to have to plan something fun with Shy.

The weekend has me taking the kids to birthday parties. Oh, yea, and I plan on exercising sometime this weekend. Soon. Really. I will.

Fantasy Island

That must be the world that the Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke is living. The Recession is over??? Really?? Ya think? Not so much in my world buddy.

Don't get me wrong, I'm grateful and blessed to have the job I have and I haven't lost my job. But I know so many who have and the rising prices etc still eat up a lot of my income.

Well, I'm glad good ol' Ben thinks the recession is over. Maybe some should yell at him, "you lie".

I play the victim?? Really??

According to Dr K, that's what I think of myself. Oh, it's something that's been perpetuated since childhood and apparently a source of my emotional eating. The ironic part here is that I can not stand, can. not. stand. people who play the victim. It's infuriating to me when people have the "poor me" attitude or lack accountability. Apparently, mine is deep rooted and obviously covered up by my swagger but it's there nonetheless.

So, what am I going to do about it.

Change my attitude. And work on forgiving myself. I know, if I'm honest about it, I do think at times, "I screwed up", "I won't find anyone so why bother", when I'm pretending that I don't care about relationships. I don't, but I see now, that it isn't for the right reasons. My children are the world to me, but that doesn't mean that I need to put myself on the back burner and not care about myself, because there can be a balance. I can take care of myself and take care of them at the same time.

I've also discovered that I have various facets of my personality. Well, don't we all?? And I don't mean Sybil like facets but I definitely don't feel like the victim. I know that there are times when I am a total hard ass. Also times where I'm a total mushpot. Is that a word?? It is now.

Anyway, I realize this is a lot to take in, hah, for you and for me. My homework this week, forgive myself for not doing/being what I imagined I would be. And for the life I don't have, but rather be grateful for the things I do have.

That and move my ass. Oops, I almost called myself a fat ass, none of that now. I have to be kind to myself. And my moving my butt, I'll accomplish that. Going running/walking today after work.

Saturday in the park

If it doesn't rain again, that is.

Saturday morning is for chores though. Lots of boring chores. Then, I'm heading over to the big library sale with the kids. I get great book sales from our library that way. I'm a bookworm, as you may know, so this is a really cheap and easy way to pick up some great book deals. Plus the kids love to go to the library to get books and movies.

I'll take the girl to the park if it isn't raining although, I just remembered that she has an event at her gym tonight at 630p. I'll probably skip the park today then since we have to go to that.

I'll also head to the grocery store and plan out my meals for the week. I've got the tools I need to succeed, I just need to use them. Implement what's in my head into my day to day life. I'm not letting the number on the scale define me. For the first time ever. I'm also tired of feeling uncomfortable in my own skin, literally and figuratively. It's time to make that change. It's not an all or nothing thing with me. I realize that it's going to take time and that like a child who learns how to walk by taking little steps that I too will have to take little steps along this path that is my life. Rather than ask for help in dealing with the cravings and munchies, I don't want to have them at all. Is it mind over matter? At this point, I'm not sure. I just know that I've come to a place where I really want to be healthy. I'm not getting any younger and this body, imperfect as it is has served me well these 40 years. I'd like it to serve me a lot longer.

My children deserve one parent who will be able to keep up with them. That's me. I will be right there by their side. And by doing so, will teach them the way to eat, the way to live and the way to be happy with themselves.

In other related kid news, Shy can read. Really read. She read Green Eggs and Ham all by herself last night. Maybe she'll start a book review blog.

TGIF BITCHEZ doesn't seem right today

Oh, I'm happy it's Friday, but on Sept 11th I have misgivings writing something like that as my status. This is the day 8 years that changed the course of our history. The changes have been subtle, and some not so subtle. I wonder however, what course we would have had if the winner of the 2000 Presidential election had actually been the President in 2001. Since we elected someone and the Supreme Court appointed someone else the world will never know. Reminds me of those old Tootsie Pop commercials with the owl. But that's the reality.

Instead, here we are 8 years later fighting a war that was supposed to be over in 6 weeks. Why? Well, I've recently learned that why is a very negative type question. We should be asking ourselves what do we want instead. And that is...

not what we have. I want to bring our boys home. I want the change that we voted for. I want the majority of Americans to think as I do. Sadly, that is not the case. Those of you who disagree with me probably don't think it's sad at all. Like I've always said, I am sure that we have more commonalities than differences and I would like to focus on that.

Let's hear it for long weekends

Thankfully, I get Monday off. It's Saturday morning and as I drink my coffee I'm trying to decide what chores I should get cracking on. I've got to vacuum and do laundry. That, the laundry, will take me forever. But I've got to leave at 1130a to go to my ex-husband's baby's first birthday party. Yes, you read that right. My ex, the father of my sons, has another child with his wife. They invited us, the boys of course, but Shy as well. I'll go as it's at a water park and Shy will have a blast. I'm fortunate that I get along well with my ex so it makes it easy to do these sorts of things.

I finished that book by Francine Prose (ironic), Reading Like a Writer: a Guide for People Who Love Books and For Those Who Want To Write Them. It brought some new perspectives.

I'm going to finish The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo this today and start another book. I've about a million that I want to read, so I don't know which one is next. I keep going back and forth.

And yes, I'm starting again to eat right. It's not something I start and stop. So, let me rephrase that then. I'm going to make better food choices today than I did yesterday.

And the stupid teenagers messed up Shy's puzzle. Argh. There should be a public home where teens go to live so they don't drive us all crazy. They can be released when they are 21.

Third person Thursday

I declared it Third Person Thursday, for fun. It's been a long week. My parents were here, and while I enjoy their company it throws off our routine. Since school just started, our routine was just getting set. And then it isn't. But they are leaving in the morning. They don't like to stay that long because it does get somewhat hectic and chaotic at my grandparents house. Hell, I don't want to be there half the time when I pick up the kids each day and that's only for 15 min. God bless them all, though, they really only mean well.

TGIF!! almost. Work was really quiet. The boss man was out of the office and the boss lady had a lot of meetings today. I barely spoke to anyone. I was able to read my book, well, one of the books I'm reading, "Reading Like a Writer" by Francine Prose. I've enjoyed reading and the excerpts from different books have added about 100 books to my TBR list. Seriously. She also breaks down the different aspects of writing, mostly fiction. From character development, to narration to gesture and dialogue. If you like to read and fancy writing a story or two, this book is for you. She gets you to understand how the various authors used vocabulary, paragraph placement for example, to move the story along. This is definitely one that I'll be re-reading again. I checked it out of the library but this one is definitely a book that I will be adding to my reference pile.

The other book I'm reading I have every intention of finishing this weekend. It's fabulous!!

Now we get to what the point of this blog is supposed to be about. The way I eat now. It isn't pretty. At all. BUT, the good news is that I'm like frickin Annie. Tomorrow, Tomorrow!!! I'll diet, tomorrow!! LOL! Ok, not really a diet, but eat the right way. Eat the way I should. Or I just won't eat at all. But I'll document it no matter what. That's my deal with you. Even if you don't want to know it all.

Oh yea. And the podcast that I said I was going to stop listening to because I wasn't getting anything out of it. Yea, I am still. I've come to realize that I don't want food to be my joy. It's only in mouth for like, what 10 min at the most? I want food to be my fuel, not my friend. This is huge. I've been using food as my joy and I need to substitute that with some real joy. Whether it's cultivating friendships, my children or just my own mind, it's got nothing to do with food. I'll be listening to the podcast again tomorrow morning, as I ride the bike.

I'm off to read my book and go to bed. As my favorite literary heroine would say, "Tomorrow is another day."

I'm not sure this podcast helps

I've been listening to this podcast, Inside Out Weight Loss, and there are some positives that I get from it, but half the time I have to wade through 15 min or so to get the 10 min or just one thought that actually helps.

But, I haven't lost, I haven't done anything to lose. If anything, I've slowly gained some. And yet, every morning I listen to this thing. I guess there are some truths to be found and I do get a point from it. But then I go about my day and forget about it for the most part.

There have been many techniques and internal workings that I have worked on and yet, I must use the food as some sort of coping technique because I keep doing it. How long will I? I obviously know that this isn't going to do anything for me, if anything it's like playing Russian roulette. How long before the health starts to deteriorate? And instead of looking back at all the wasted time, I know I should look forward and embrace today, so I will. I was going to write about how difficult it is, but if I write it then I lend that thought validity. And I don't want to do that as I do believe that what we believe can play a part in our reality.

I really want to set a positive example for my children. They will do what I do, not what I say. I know this.

So, like a child, like a little baby learning how to walk, I stumble. I fall. But I will keep getting back up. Because, just like that baby, eventually, I will be able to take more than a couple of steps at a time. That is what this journey is.

Weekend!!

The week ended just fine. I had a decent day at work, and the she-devil wasn't too bad today. Have I told you about the she-devil? Well, she's going to be our new CFO and can definitely be demanding. To the extent of where I get in trouble for not having foresight for events and duties that aren't within my realm of responsibility. Yesterday was a good day. I didn't have to use my clairvoyant powers.

I went to bed really early last night. My Friday night date with Bill (Maher that is) will have to occur over the weekend I suppose. I know I'm not the only single gal who does this. I've embraced my reclusiveness as you know. But I was so tired, being the first week of school and all, I wound up falling asleep at like 930p or so while I was watching Lewis Black. He is one of my favorites.

My parents are on their way down and will be here this week. I'm going to get chores done around the house this morning before they get here so I can relax guilt free the rest of the weekend. I think my aunt and uncle are going to come down as well.

Food wise, I'm happy to announce that I didn't (because I went to bed) snack last night. I had to have an important conversation with my son, J. He's been doing great and is down 12 pounds. I'm very proud of him. Yesterday he bought his lunch at school, and I told him that he could. He also, as he told me later, bought a small ice cream. And then he proceeded to tell me that he felt "guilty" while he ate it and afterward. WHAT!! NO!! I screamed inside. The last thing in the world I want is for my children to endure the struggles internally with food that I have. My mission has to be for them to be normal. I've always focused on my daughter that I guess I never realized that it could happen to a boy as well.

I told J, that he shouldn't have felt guilty that he needed to realize that we need food to live. And that's it. There are no emotions involved. I asked what else he ate and he ate really healthy the next meal and prior to that meal. I explained that is the way it's normally done. Do not feel guilty, since you didn't do anything wrong.

He said he understood. I really hope so. It just makes me realize that the little eyes are watching me. Reinforces the fact that I need to model my behavior the way I want them to be, not just talk it. I need to walk it. Well, I suppose that is something I knew all along. I'll do this for them.

Sad Day

Sen Teddy Kennedy passed away. He was one of the first politician's that I took notice of as a child. My thoughts are jumbled and I don't have time to sort them out here as I have to get the kids ready for school. Needless to say, it'll be one of those days.

I'm sure I'll have more to say later, when I get settled.

The First Day of School

They were ready for the first day of school.

Of course, my son J, didn't want to take a picture, much less with his glasses so he took them off so I could snap this before we left for school this morning. They both enjoy school so it wasn't too big of a deal for them to have to go back. My eldest, always made a big deal about it. This was the first year that he didn't have to go. His adorable girlfriend did though and he had a picture similar to this one. Adorable.

In other random news, I've discovered that I am not the queen of run on sentences. Long sentences, yes, but run on sentences, no. This is due to my proper usage of punctuation. Contrary to what some people like to think, my grammar isn't all that horrible. Or perhaps it's just getting better. Either way.

I'm off to watch a little West Wing. My date with Josh Lyman awaits.

Sunday night

Ready to go to bed. The kids start school tomorrow. I was falling asleep earlier and now I'm here writing instead of hitting the sheets.

The kids are ready. I've got the lunch packed and they are all set with clothes and supplies. Shy wants to wear her hair straight, so I will get up a little early and let her do this.

My laundry is still on my bed. The folded stuff is put away, but I have to hang up clothes. I'm going to go and do that and then it the sack.

Books, books and what are you reading?

This is how I spent my day yesterday. Well, part yesterday and part on Friday. I went to a big library sale and I found a lot of books that I wanted. I think I need to put a moratorium on book buying until I at least read 5 books or so. The problem is that they are so cheap. $1 for the hardcovers and $.50 for the paperbacks.

I'm loving my book collection. Obviously, as you can see by the soccer ball, I have no shelves to put them on. I need to go to Ikea I think to get some shelves so I can get them off of the floor.

I'm currently reading The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo by Steig Larsson. I've heard so many good things about this book and it's gotten great reviews. I'll be sure to do a review if you are so interested.

I weighed in today and amazingly I lost a pound. I've been much more mindful this past week than I have in a long time and while I know I haven't been perfect so I'll accept the loss. I had a great day with my daughter yesterday. Took her to get her hair done as she starts school on Monday. We also went to the library and hung out there for awhile. We both enjoy it and it is a very cost effective way to spend time.

Breakfast this morning was really easy and yummy. Yes, I said yummy, deal with it.

Coffee in my most favorite coffee mug and my breakfast was fat free vanilla yogurt w/a drizzle of honey and some fresh strawberries and half a banana. I also topped it with half a larabar, pecan pie flavored. This clocks in at 300 calories and I was very satisfied with it. I feel so much better when I pay attention to my satisfaction levels so I'm not sure why I don't do it more often. Oh you know, like all the time, like normal people do.

My plans today include getting J's backpack for school. I also want to watch that Melissa chick, the winner of the Next Food TV Star, or whatever the title is.

Lunch is going to be a frittata that includes cleaning out my refrigerator. J lost another 2 pounds. He's down to 10 pounds in like a month or so. I am so proud of him. He's managed to do it without complaint. I suppose the threat of multiple needle sticks should he develop diabetes helped.

Also have been watching Studio 60. It lasted maybe one and a half seasons on tv. I call it smart tv which is why it went over Joe Q Public's head. Well, hopefully Aaron Sorkin will come up with a new show soon. He did this one as well as West Wing, possibly the best show ever. My favorite that's for sure.

I'm off to do laundry. Surely you don't come here for the exciting life I lead but rather, I'm sure the scintillating prose. LOL!!

My notes

Day 5 August 21, 2009

Limiting Beliefs can inhibit the way we live our life. Beliefs are something we believe in spite of the lack of conclusive evidence. Our belief in God for example. These are things we “can’t” do and they hold us back. They often have a self-fulfilling prophecy about themselves.

Change the belief to success because success begets success.

One limiting belief is that weight loss is hard. No, it doesn’t have to be. Maybe it has been that way but that doesn’t mean that we can’t change it to where it is easy. Eventually we think like naturally thin people and it will become that way. This doesn’t mean that we don’t have to work and invest the time but that doesn’t mean that it is difficult. There have been times where I’ve had to do work, not difficult work but work nonetheless. And we can make it fun. We are going to eat anyway, so why not make it fun and enjoy this journey.

Inner conflict is what makes it hard. The body is holdoing onto the weight for some reason. There is something inside of me that won’t let it go. Inner alignment can make it easy and fun. There is a positive aspect to every action. We do the things that we do in an attempt to enjoy ourselves and for pleasure. Eventually, all actions can be boiled down to trying to get something positive for ourselves. Substituting another non food behavior for this will find me releasing the weight. I’m sure of it.

Ask the following the question to determine WHAT your limiting beliefs are:

1. Is this goal desirable? Is it worthwhile?

Is this goal worth the effort that it will take to obtain it? Of course, sitting at my laptop it’s easy for me to say that it is. It’s when I’m about to make the wrong choice that I forget how much it means to me.

2. Is it possible for others?

Of course it is. I’ve seen many people lose and keep it off. They have made the necessary lifestyle choices to make the changes permanent.

3. Is it possible for me?

Of course it is. I’ve been at goal before. I’ve also been at a healthy weight and have exercised regularly. So I know I can do it. It’s just a matter of making it a routine yet again.

4. Is what it takes to achieve this goal appropriate and reasonable?

Will I do what it takes? Believe that this is too hard? No, it really isn’t. If I imagine that eating 1300 calories a day is enough (and it really is if I make the right choices) then I need to be happy. Believe it.

5. Do you deserve it? Well, this is the kicker isn’t it? If you don’t feel like you are worth anything then how can you justify allowing yourself to get healthy, or living a good lifestyle. The pressure to continue to be successful proves to be too much sometimes and then you fail. Self sabotage.

If you tell yourself that this is going to take forever, or that it will never happen, then this is what you believe. This is what you will have happen then.

Learned helplessness is also another limiting belief. Like the elephant tied with a chain. He doesn’t believe he can get free, and so he doesn’t. Just like me and stopping eating at night. I don’t believe that I can do that. That I have these habits that I always do and therefore can’t change, and therefore they don’t change.

Genetics are only about 20% the reason why we are overweight. I can control the other 80%.

I am 40 and this makes it harder to lose weight. I am ONLY 40. I have a lot of life to live and I don’t want to waste time with this struggle for the next 40 years. I need to be grateful for the struggle and learn and use the positive aspects of it. Enjoy the journey, but know that I can control some aspects of it. My eating at night and my fat rolls have been coping tools for me. Once I find other coping tools I can and will release the weight.

Three steps to changing limiting beliefs

Identify the belief (above questions)

Question the belief. As I did above as well. One thing to keep in mind is that I must be satisfied with what is while I reach for what can be.

I deserve a treat statement. Well, what’s that treat going to do for you? If it is going to keep you fat (yes, I say the fat word) then is it a treat?? Is it going to be in the terms of keeping you fat and therefore making it harder on your knees. That isn’t much of a treat.

Third step…change the belief. Identify the new belief. Visualize yourself in the new you. Being naturally thin is easier than carrying around those extra 25-30 pounds now isn’t it. Losing weight isn’t hard, being this weight is hard. State your intent and your new belief in the positive.

Try on the new you for size. Imagine you as you want to be. Eventually it will become your reality.

The importance of checking the NI

BEFORE YOU EAT YOUR MEAL!!!!!

I made what I thought was about a 450 calorie choice for lunch and it turned out to be a 663 calorie choice. Which means it's going to be a salad dinner for me. Ugh, actually no, it won't, I'll eat a regular dinner, but honestly, who knew a simple sandwich could be that many calories. Crystal...are you paying attention!!!!! That was WAY too many calories for a sandwich. Not that either one of us had an inkling of the high caloric value, but the gooey melty cheese that runneth over the sides should have been my first clue.

I'm not letting a little mistake, yes, that was a mistake, trip me up. I'm going to continue in my positive mindset and trudge on this path with a pep in my step because this is something that is forever. I will take this experience and learn from it. Uh, look up the NI moron. Yep, that's my lesson learned from today.

I also bought 'Tis by Frank McCourt, who recently passed away. You may be more familiar with his original memoir, Angela's Ashes, which was on the NY Times bestseller list for more than a year. I want to say it was closer to two years. In any event, I just listened to a replay of an interview he did on NPR back in '97 when the book was initially published. Hearing him speak in that Irish brogue of his made me want to read the other two books he wrote, 'Tis and Teacher man. I read Angela's Ashes back in '98 and was mesmerized by the poverty and the description of his childhood. This man overcame so much. I saw 'Tis at Borders for $4.99 so I bought that along with the MLA guide to Writing Research Papers. I figured that Jonathon could begin using this as he is sure to have to write some papers eventually this year. It will be good practice for him so that when he is required to use this style it will be second nature to him.

Came home to quiet. J is with his dad and Ant and Drea took her brother and Shy out to the pool. I'm going to get to cleaning while I have an empty apartment.

Day 4, Wednesday Aug 19

My plan for last night self destructed. I had a humongous chunk of cookies n cream ice cream cake that was leftover from Anthony’s birthday party. AND 2 cups of rice w/lentils for dinner. And a leftover pork chop. WTH?? I don’t eat meat, so I don’t know why I have been this week.

This morning on my drive into work, I was listening to a podcast, fat2fitradio.com, that I follow and they had a listener write in about how getting Type II diabetes impacted him. With details about the symptoms etc. Well, diabetes runs in my family, in a big way. And his early, early clues and indicators are things that sound familiar. So, Jesus, I realize, this isn't about fitting into my fucking pants or being the cutest thing in shoe leather. I totally do not want to have to deal with all of this bullshit. I've been really lucky with my health and I'm at normal levels with everything, but if I continue going the way I am going, I'm bound to develop this. Well, I'm having oatmeal for breakfast w/half a banana instead of my usual bagel. I’m satisfied with my breakfast, I realize after I eat it, that I don’t need a full banana.

If the 12 year old can do it, then so can I. Plus, last night, he says, "mommy, I'll help you if you want?" How cute is he?

1230p—In assessing my hunger, I realize I’m just getting hungry. Times to start getting the tuna drained (in water) and construct my salad. I think I need to buy some cute dishes to keep at work so that my pictures aren’t of Tupperware.1p Ate lunch until satisfied. ½ the can did just fine for me along with the salad. Lunch was chopped romaine, ½ can of albacore tuna, 10g of cranraisins, 10g of toasted, slivered almonds, 10 sprays of balsamic vinaigrette, ½ of a diced pink lady apple. I ate the other half as dessert. This suited me fine.

2p—Hunger assessment: not hungry at all. Drank 40 oz of water so far today. Treating myself to my first diet coke.

3:30p – thought I was getting hungry, but not really. May have half that banana left over at 4p

415p—ate my pineapple and banana. very yum and hit the spot quite nicely. Pineapple has more calories that I originally thought, but that’s not a problem. Since I’ve been tuning into my body and eating intuitively today. Well, I suppose I’m not TRULY eating intuitively since I’m counting the calories. But, you know what I mean. My tea however, was very watered down. Boo.

7p—WOO HOO!!! I did not have a snack at Nanny’s. I even picked up a tostone and I put it back. This is a huge victory for me.

715p—I had dinner and I ate too much, but I counted everything and I am still just under my calorie count. Which means, I am having a snack later, should I want one. Right now (841p) I don’t. I’m still full from dinner.

I have a date tonight with Dylan McDermott so I’ll see you guys later.