About Me

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About me, always hard to put into words a description about myself. We always see ourselves differently than others do. My likes: I love sports, all kinds. Especially NASCAR and baseball. Yea, strange I know, a bleeding heart liberal who likes NASCAR and country music. But here I am. I also am profoundly proud of the relationship that I have with my children and my family. They made me who I am today. Pink is my favorite color. I like all kinds of music, except perhaps rap. I am a rabid NPR listener and love my doggie. I work full time, am a semi-vegetarian, a voracious reader and a wanna be writer. Doing all that I do in the beautiful South Florida sunshine.

Thursday, May 21, 2009


Point 6 to be exact. I have gained the inevitable 2 pounds back. And I don't know why. Unless being on antibiotics can cause this. I don't see how that can be the case since the antibiotics make me want to throw up everything I put in my mouth. But I do know that I am sick of this. Sick of being this weight. Sick of being depressed. Sick of being insecure about my relationship w/DBF and just sick of it all. The anxiety, the insecurity, the Dr's. All.of.it.

So what do I need to do to fix it? Well, maybe fix isn't the right word. And maybe there is no fix, there is just improvement.  Maybe I just need to reframe the way I think about things.  Yesterday the PsY said that I should think of consistent commitment in the terms of how I have been at my job for 14 years.  I started and stayed there initially for the wrong reasons, the right decision for the wrong reasons. Who knew you could even do that? And then eventually, it evolved, and I evolved and I realized that the consistency of being at one place of employment does pay me back some benefits so I stayed the course. At several points, I thought about quitting and I saw that the grass (through interviews) isn't always greener on the other side and so I stayed plugging away at my place of employment because it provided a lot of positive feedback to me.  I shall try to approach weight loss, hell anything I want to do over a long period of time in this way.  We definitely identified an all or nothing attitude, to the extreme with me. Gee, Sherlock, I didn't realize that? BAER.  But she doesn't know me, so I imagine it will take some time.  Also, I have an obsession with my weight/body.  Also, a Captain Obvious moment, but I suppose we need to definitively identify my specific issues in order to then deal with them.  Ok, so that parts out of the way.

I know this is supposed to be a semi-food blog so I'll tell you what I ate yesterday.  Breakfast was a bagel and a banana. This is not a good breakfast choice for me, but, with the antibiotics, it's about all I can take.  Lunch was a salad w/faux crab from our downstairs cafeteria and a bag of pretzels and dinner I went out with DBF. I had some rice, snapper w/creamed spinach and steamed veggies.  He didn't stay over, he stayed at his mom's since his appointment was up north.  I'm thinking I'm ok with this as long as there isn't some underlying reason. I can't imagine that there is, since he hasn't really changed too much and we did hang out with the kids. I think all the paperwork on his divorce is now being finalized and he's having some issues with that. Not necessarily oh, it's a mistake issues, but feeling pretty emotional about it and his method of dealing with it is withdrawal. I'm trying to NOT blame him for other men's actions in my life and give him the benefit of the doubt, but truthfully, that's a big leap for me, and I just want to emotionally withdraw as well to protect myself.

In actuality, this is fine, and I think I am ok with it as I really do want to concentrate on taking better care of me, and to quote him, "I'm ok with with how we are right now, don't want to change anything" when discussing the future. Because as he is just coming out of this relationship, he wants to go slow. As for me, I hear, run Forest run.

So I will. Run that is.  

1 comment:

Christie said...

I'm sorry you are struggling. Please know that I am always here to listen to you.