About Me

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About me, always hard to put into words a description about myself. We always see ourselves differently than others do. My likes: I love sports, all kinds. Especially NASCAR and baseball. Yea, strange I know, a bleeding heart liberal who likes NASCAR and country music. But here I am. I also am profoundly proud of the relationship that I have with my children and my family. They made me who I am today. Pink is my favorite color. I like all kinds of music, except perhaps rap. I am a rabid NPR listener and love my doggie. I work full time, am a semi-vegetarian, a voracious reader and a wanna be writer. Doing all that I do in the beautiful South Florida sunshine.

Thursday, May 28, 2009

How I got my groove back

Well, I know I've been sounding whiny, neurotic and needy. Ugh, how annoying must I be.

Something snapped inside of me. I'm not going to be neurotic anymore about well, hell about anything. But especially about relationships. I have a pretty great boyfriend. He is going through a lot of shit. I realize this. And I'm a patient and understanding person. But I deserve the best. And I deserve to be loved.  I'm not going to sit around waiting etc.  I can't control any of it, so what will be will be. And surprisingly I have found that I really mean this. For once in my life, I have a relationship, not a deeply serious one, but still, a monogamous relationship and I'm not trying to control it. What will be will be. And to quote Forrest Gump, that's all I'm going to say about that.

Today I started a new. Well, anew again. I suppose.  I went to the therapist on Wednesday and she gave me a lot of different things to think about. I weighed today, and I didn't gain. I didn't lose but truthfully I didn't deserve to lose. So I logged everything and had a good day. Until I sat down to watch GH and opened the bag of chips. The bag of chips that aren't mine. They belong to the kids. So, I didn't eat the whole bag, but still, I didn't need to eat them at all.  I don't know why I did it.  

Again, also no pictures. I've charged the battery and need to remember to grab it and toss it in my purse.  I've go no meals ready for tomorrow.  Except for breakfast. Breakfast is the easiest one since it's usually oatmeal and a banana. Lunch will probably be a salad and dinner depends.  BUT, I've got a plan and will cook and make meals for the week.

In other random news, I need a manicure.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

The second half of Memorial Day

This went about as bad as it could.

I did get a lot of my errands done. But when I came home and started cutting up watermelon I cut the crap out of my thumb. Needed stitches but didn't feel like waiting around and paying $100 for about 3-4 stitches so I had my aunt come and bandage it.  

Then while I was sleeping, my DS (17 w/o) decided to get arrested and he spent the majority of Monday in the Juvenile Assessment Center.  And now has a court date on july 2. Smack in the middle of when I was supposed to go on vacation.

Apparently, I have a boyfriend in name only. At least that is how it feels.  He didn't want to come over at all on Memorial Day, and then is going out of town for work during the week. Obviously isn't making any effort to come over this weekend, as evidenced by the comment that his mom and brother are coming to see him. He has the kids, since we've all spent time together I would have imagined that we would have made plans. Nope. Not a mention, not even when I made a comment about not seeing him until June. Because after this weekend it's Shy's birthday and I'm then going to Orlando/Daytona for the following weekend.  

I've always said it. If a guy is interested, then they make the time. As he did initially, and up to now.  Now, he isn't and I can only go by that he just must not be that into me. I realize he's dealing with a lot and I'm understanding to a point. But honestly, I've seen this movie before.

So, fine, I will go about and do my thing. If he wants to come along that's fine. Although, to be honest even though he knows my children, I'm hesitant to let him be around them anymore or to be around his anymore. I don't want to get attached or let my daughter become more attached than she is. Thankfully, she hasn't mentioned it or asked other than to talk about the day we all hung out. Such a shame, she had a such a good time too.

Obviously, I'm being negative Nancy about this relationship, but like I've said, I've been here before. I can see the writing on the wall. What an idiot. His loss.

This didn't really discuss any food.  Other than the watermelon that I almost lost a thumb for. It was good.  Otherwise, I've been eating like shit and I haven't worked out at all. I wanted to get up early today to do a work out, but staying up until 1am watching Sex and the City reruns isn't conducive to that.

Shy is sick, again. So my Aunt will take her to the doc. I think it's an ear infection. Since that is what she started complaining about last night.

Ugh, I gotta go get ready for work. I hope for some more positive posts tonight.

Sunday, May 24, 2009

Memorial Day Weekend

I guess this is technically the middle of the weekend since I have, with most of America, have Monday off.  

I spent all of yesterday cleaning my apartment and doing laundry. I did manage to make dinner for all of us. I cleaned the refrigerator, literally. I cleaned the shelves and it looks so much better in there now.  Of course, I have no pictures, because I just realized that the battery on my camera died. So I'm charging it now. And trying to get some motivation to get up and get the day going.  Yesterday, I got up and got moving at 8a. YES, on a Saturday. I was really determined to get all of the cleaning done, and I did. That includes cleaning the baseboards and dusting everything. I even took apart the burners on the stove.  So when it was all said and done, I spent the evening with the Sopranos. I'm almost done with Season 3. I've saw the last couple of seasons so it's been very enjoyable watching it from the beginning.  

Today on tap: I have several errands to run. Including returning the Hydroxycut that I bought and has since been recalled. Dropping off a bunch of stuff at Goodwill and doing some shopping. Not too much, because I'm trying to eat my cabinets bare. That is going to make for some interesting meal's I'm sure. I will replenish the perishables, once I've finished what I have.  right now I have ff yogurt, ff ricotta, a block of tempeh, mango cut up, cantaloupe cut up , a pear, four apples, carrots, spaghetti squash,  applesauce, 3 eggs, some onions, a sweet potato,  a tomato, and four ears of corn.  I'm thinking that I'll mix in the mango w/some granola and yogurt for lunch.  I'll conjure up something with this I'm sure. I've got some frozen items as well as a plethora of grains and beans, so it shouldn't be too hard to use this up. Once all the fresh veggies are gone, I'll get more.

I'm not sure if I'll see DBF this weekend. He's made no mention of coming over, and honestly I waver between being annoyed and being insecure.  I will not be asking or bringing it up. He needs his space to process, he can have it. I just need to move on and do my own thing. It seems that I seem to have this happen a lot to me. Although, he is there in a lot of ways that no one else has been, but I'm not sure what's going on with him and I've tried to discuss it with him. He says he likes where we are now, and he's involved the children so I can imagine that he is sincere in what he is saying. BUT, at the same time, I can't help but wonder why he's pulling away somewhat after being so accessible.  The other thing that concerns me, is damn, I truly like his children. Historically, I haven't cared for the children of men that I've dated.  I've tolerated them. That sounds cruel or mean I know, but it's the truth. I'm not a kids person, even to my own sometimes.  But his kids, yea, they're awesome.  So I truly hope that I'm just being insecure and that everything is going along the way it should be.

I'm still pissed that there has been no effort to come and see me on a this long weekend, particularly when he does not have the children and it would be very easy for him to come over. No worries though, I have plenty of things to do on my own. I have my own life, it'd just be nice to do some of those things with him.

My eating last night sucked ass. I had potato chips while I was watching the Sopranos. I counted them, I decided to do points for a week.  Since I started my week on Friday, I should be ok. If I stick to it, which I haven't been able to do up to this point.

My breakfast today was yummy. I sauteed 1/2 a sweet potato and a couple of purple ones that I had left, threw in some leftover peas, an egg and a slice of provolone. Sliced a tomato and had a couple of slices on top of it. It was good and I'm satisfied. Not past, so I'm hoping to hold out for lunch until at least 2p or so.  

I've got to figure out what to do with that Ricotta.

Thursday, May 21, 2009


Point 6 to be exact. I have gained the inevitable 2 pounds back. And I don't know why. Unless being on antibiotics can cause this. I don't see how that can be the case since the antibiotics make me want to throw up everything I put in my mouth. But I do know that I am sick of this. Sick of being this weight. Sick of being depressed. Sick of being insecure about my relationship w/DBF and just sick of it all. The anxiety, the insecurity, the Dr's. All.of.it.

So what do I need to do to fix it? Well, maybe fix isn't the right word. And maybe there is no fix, there is just improvement.  Maybe I just need to reframe the way I think about things.  Yesterday the PsY said that I should think of consistent commitment in the terms of how I have been at my job for 14 years.  I started and stayed there initially for the wrong reasons, the right decision for the wrong reasons. Who knew you could even do that? And then eventually, it evolved, and I evolved and I realized that the consistency of being at one place of employment does pay me back some benefits so I stayed the course. At several points, I thought about quitting and I saw that the grass (through interviews) isn't always greener on the other side and so I stayed plugging away at my place of employment because it provided a lot of positive feedback to me.  I shall try to approach weight loss, hell anything I want to do over a long period of time in this way.  We definitely identified an all or nothing attitude, to the extreme with me. Gee, Sherlock, I didn't realize that? BAER.  But she doesn't know me, so I imagine it will take some time.  Also, I have an obsession with my weight/body.  Also, a Captain Obvious moment, but I suppose we need to definitively identify my specific issues in order to then deal with them.  Ok, so that parts out of the way.

I know this is supposed to be a semi-food blog so I'll tell you what I ate yesterday.  Breakfast was a bagel and a banana. This is not a good breakfast choice for me, but, with the antibiotics, it's about all I can take.  Lunch was a salad w/faux crab from our downstairs cafeteria and a bag of pretzels and dinner I went out with DBF. I had some rice, snapper w/creamed spinach and steamed veggies.  He didn't stay over, he stayed at his mom's since his appointment was up north.  I'm thinking I'm ok with this as long as there isn't some underlying reason. I can't imagine that there is, since he hasn't really changed too much and we did hang out with the kids. I think all the paperwork on his divorce is now being finalized and he's having some issues with that. Not necessarily oh, it's a mistake issues, but feeling pretty emotional about it and his method of dealing with it is withdrawal. I'm trying to NOT blame him for other men's actions in my life and give him the benefit of the doubt, but truthfully, that's a big leap for me, and I just want to emotionally withdraw as well to protect myself.

In actuality, this is fine, and I think I am ok with it as I really do want to concentrate on taking better care of me, and to quote him, "I'm ok with with how we are right now, don't want to change anything" when discussing the future. Because as he is just coming out of this relationship, he wants to go slow. As for me, I hear, run Forest run.

So I will. Run that is.  

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Please make the pounding stop

I haven't been able to take the light from the computer monitor since Sunday. For some reason all of my lymph nodes along my neck and head are swollen and extremely painful to the touch. They are also causing extreme pounding in my head every time I move my head. EVERY.TIME.

Which had me literally in bed all day sunday and Monday.  Monday's Dr appointment was less than enlightening as she said, hmm, you have an infection, but I don't know from what, so here's a Z Pak, go get blood work, throat culture and some Motrin. Really???? That's it? I guess I have higher expectations of the medical community than I should.  I think I've been watching far too much Grey's and ER. So I did what she said. Now, I'm on two antibiotics. This should be a fun week.  My eating has been sporadic at best since I feel like vomiting most of the time due to the med's I've pretty much been forcing myself to eat whatever.

Yesterdays breakfast was a bagel in order to get the medicine down. That pretty much summed up my meals for the day except for some wonton soup that seemed to hit the spot. I took my other pills with some roasted potatoes that my grandmother sent over. Add a handful of goldfish to this and that's what I had to eat yesterday. No pictures, because really, none of that is worthy of a picture. I feel so poorly that I don't even want my beloved coffee or diet coke. Seriously.  This is bad dudes.

I finally can hold my eyes open with the top of my head feeling like it's going to blow off, so I had a iced coffee from Starbucks after I took the eldest DS to school.  And now I'm back on the couch in my sweat suit (I'm freezing for some reason). The metal taste in my mouth is more than welcome to leave at any given time today. Hopefully by the end of the day.

DBF is coming over tonight, probably to stay the night not sure yet, as he has business in town.  Of course, he was concerned about getting my "illness" Which I then called the Dr to see if I'm contagious. Uh, that's a negative ya big baby.  Anyway, I'm glad I called because I definitely don't want to get the kids sick.  This is a quasi food blog and I'm tempted to not discuss DBF but since I think I have all of two followers I will feel free to go ahead and discuss.  Not know, though as the light is beginning to hurt my eyeballs.

I don't have my camera today as it's at my aunt's. She is making a CD of all of Tony's (DS) prom pictures. No, I don't really call him Tony, he is and always will be Anthony to me. But he prefers that I refer to him as Tony so people know who I'm talking about. BAER to the attention hoor. I wonder where he gets it from. :-)

Sunday, May 17, 2009

Quiet Apartment, Messy Apartment

It's Sunday morning and I'm just sitting here with a cup of coffee and enjoying the quiet.  It's been a crazy weekend so far. Today is going to be clean up and catch up day.

Friday night was PROM!!!!! For my son, this is a big deal.  He hasn't participated in any Senior activities and won't be graduating in May since he is some credits short so this was the one big deal of the year for him. Prom is a memory that comes around once in a lifetime. Sure, you have other big memories, like, your wedding or college or kids etc. But Prom...it's that first big blow out. When the years of playing dress up actually turn into the real thing. It was really amazing. There's a picture of him and his dates on my Facebook. My Aunt and Uncle came down with my cousin, one, to hook up the surround sound that they gave me and two to help me take him and his dates to the limo etc, etc.  My mom and dad aren't here and my aunt and uncle have always been my surrogate parents, so it was really nice that they shared this experience with me. 

They took me to dinner and I we went to Stir Moon. I love this restaurant and had a bowl of steamed brown rice and shrimp stir fry, hold the oil. It had tons and tons of veggies. I only ate half of it and saved the other half for another meal.  Then Nathan (my Canadian golf friend) had to drop off his car (I'm car sitting for the summer) and I had to give him a ride home. THIS IS ALL JUST FRIDAY!!!!!!  Can you believe this??

Saturday I wake up early, pack a bag and head to Cape Coral with Shyanne. Anthony was recovering from Prom and Jonathon went to his dad's.  Shy and I were going to spend the day w/my DBJ J and his children. I had met them before but J is so very, very cautious and conscious of his children's feelings that I know that there is no way that he would ever have me spend time with them and my daughter if he didn't feel committed for the long term for our relationship. I know that you cannot foretell the future, but knowing that he is open and wanting to get all of the children involved is very calming and makes me feel amazing. 

And wow, what kids. He has the most amazing children. I have been in a relationship before, where I didn't really like the children, but I felt I had to tolerate them for the sake of the relationship. And trust me on this, that totally sucks!!  So, it's so nice to be able to say that I really like these kids. Yes, kids are kids, but honestly, they are amazing.  Of course, I happen to think that there dad is pretty amazing so I'm not that surprised that the apple doesn't fall that far from the tree.  My breakfast was 1/2 a bagel and a Starbucks latte while I drove west to the Cape.

We went to a water park and wow, it was just so much fun to see Shyanne enjoying herself with H and S. (A boy and a girl) The kids were just enjoying themselves so much and so were the adults.  After bouncing around the lazy river a couple of times and going down some water slides (the boys, us girls hung out swimming in the pool) we decided to get a picnic table and eat our sandwiches. Shy dropped half of my wrap which was fine, so I wound up eating a spinach veggie wrap with egg salad. It really hit the spot.  After the water park we went to this little ice cream stand (for some reason we don't have those here) and I had 1/2 of a child size cup of turtle ice cream. I expected vanilla and it turned out to be chocolate. It was still good but not as good as the bite I had of S's cookie's and creme. Yum.

The rest of the day was spent chilling out playing at the apartment and watching movies. Dinner was a rice bowl with black beans and shrimp. Which again, I only ate half of. I blame the headache that came on after we were lounging about for a few hours. Three ibuprofen later and I was on my way home late. 

Which is why it is quiet this Sunday morning. Shy is still sleeping and the boys didn't sleep here last night. I think I'm going to enjoy the quiet with my cup o' joe.

Thursday, May 14, 2009

Weigh In Day

Is Thursdays for me. I changed it. I don't know why, a couple of weeks ago. And I am down to 148.5, which is down about 2 lbs from last time. Which makes me happy. And I know I have been exactly great this week with my eating but I have managed to keep the binge monster mostly at bay. I have been on the verge, and have been snacky, but haven't gotten to a full fledged binge.

Yesterday was an ok day eating wise. I had oatmeal with a banana for breakfast. I have pictures, but I didn't load them yet and I have to make this a quick post so I don't have time to post them.

The important thing that happened yesterday was my urge to snack even though I realized I was NOT hungry in the afternoon. I made a cup of tea instead and then go so busy at work that I didn't even have time to drink it. Which is pretty funny, considering I was moments before wanting to break into my snack stash. 

I ran 3 miles last night which felt great.  I also had some so-called friends on Facebook attack me  like we were high school girls. It was ridiculous, honestly. Needless to say they have been deleted. My DBF was quite appalled as well, but he's a guy and doesn't understand what these peoples problems are. I do, simply they are jealous. Of what, I'm not quite sure, but there are some serious issues there. However, I am not really friends with them, so I care not. 

Today is my middle child's birthday so I will be taking him out to eat. I will probably be having a salad, if I stay strong.  Maybe that isn't the right mentality, but I don't what the right one would be so I'm going with what I know, even though it hasn't always worked out so well for me.

It's coffee time for me and got to get running for work. I've got some great leftovers for lunch, hopefully I'll have a chance to post the pictures tonight. 

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

well, dinner was a blow out

uh, which means it was non-existent. I can't do that I know. I had a bagel this morning for breakfast and a banana. Work was a little on the quiet side and by noon I was very hungry. I know that a bagel and a banana does not hold me, and yet I keep eating the bagel at Nanny's in the morning. I need to just not do it. Don't go into the kitchen, but yet I keep doing it.

I've been reading this book and I'm almost done with it

It is one of those books. It has made me think of things and realize things I hadn't thought of in a long time. It also makes me want to read all of the classics I somehow missed.

I was starving for lunch and I had a Big Salad

with lots of veggies, artichoke hearts, edamame, cranberries, sunflower sees, faux crab and a couple of crackers. I caved and had a 200 calorie Kit Kat bar and then went to the Dr.'s office immediately after work. It was a squeeze in appointment and when I got to the office the nurse there was leaving and said, oh no, he's at the Pines office. So I took off to go to the Pines office and made it in time. By the time I got to Nanny's house I was hungry. And here is where the problem starts.

She had popcorn shrimp there for me (about 250 calories worth) and then of course I had a small piece of bread and then when I got home I had some saltines crackers. None of it photographed. And of course, due to me getting home late and not feeling well, I didn't do any work.

Ugh. Therein lies my problem. I knew I couldn't and wouldn't have time for exercise, so I tried to limit my food intake and then in the end wound up probably eating more calories than I would have if I would have just eaten dinner. I perhaps need to remember this.

I'm going to bed early, watching Biggest Loser Finale and hope to be feeling better in the morning.

How Do You Find the Time?

'm not sure how the people I know that do daily blogs find the time to do the daily blog. I have pictures of all the food I've eaten since Sunday. And you know, I find that taking a picture really helps me to stay accountable to eat what I've said I'm going to eat. Well, except for the baked chips I had last night.  They were in lieu of the dinner I prepared because I had it all made but just didn't feel like eating it, so an hour and a half later, I was hungry. And I had about two portions of those chips.  

I'm running late for work now, but will find time to upload pics later. Dinner on Sunday Mother's Day was a macadamia encrusted tilapia and was really good.

I also had a smidge of mashed potatoes and a smidge of broccoli casserole along with a roll.

I don't have access to this site at work so I won't be able to write again until I get home from work. I am going to ride the bike for an hour after work today and do some weights, upper body and abs.  

Therapy session yesterday as well.  I'm feeling better about myself and things, but I'm not sure if that's because of therapy, this blog, or the exercise. Or maybe a little of both. Either way I suppose the important thing is that I am feeling better. Now if I can just have some consistency with that.  I've felt better and had exercise as a routine for 6 months before and easily lost it. So apparently that whole 21 days to a habit thing doesn't really work so well for me. Or maybe, I stopped exercising for 21 days and changed my habit.

In other unrelated eating news, exciting changes at work keep me really busy throughout the day. And challenged.  AND, I'm planning a summer vacation with the boyfriend.  That is something else that is fabulous and scary at the same time.  Those of you who know my relationship whoas can understand.

Ok, I've really got to go finish getting ready for work and wake the kids.  I'm always running late, why is that??

Sunday, May 10, 2009

Accountability and Mother's Day

I'm looking for some accountability and the usual methods aren't working. I tune in to several blogs on a daily basis and I was thinking that maybe if I wrote down what I was going to eat and posted pictures here that it would help to keep me accountable. You know?   Well, I don't really expect a response since no one really knows about this blog.  

In addition to this, I'm announcing that my weigh-in dates are on Thursdays. I changed it from Tuesdays because, this allows me to have a little flexibility on the weekend and time to do damage control by weigh in day. Now, this may or may not be the best way to go about it. I'm sure that will be something I discuss with Dr. K tomorrow. My therapist who specializes in eating disorders. Another source of accountability. I also have a lot of friends on the WW board that I know would help keep me in check. But I need more. It hasn't worked. It won't until I decide to make it work.

All of this has to come from within.  I know this now.

And with that said, it's Mother's Day. My children woke me up this morning with a card and a gift bag. I have a really special Aunt who made sure that they had something to give me. See, I'm a single mom, in case you didn't know, and while I do have a boyfriend, it really isn't his job I suppose, to make sure that my kids have something to give me on Mother's Day. Not to mention that he lives like, two hours away. So they woke me up, gave me some beautiful gifts and a card. With that, I got up and went to make coffee. I'm not a morning person, so I tend to move a little slower in the am. Especially before coffee.

Then I made breakfast: Oat bran custard w/strawberries, bananas and a dollop of almond butter. On the side was a happy Arnold thin w/a spread of some strawberry jam.

That was breakfast. 

I got the idea of posting pictures from some other blogger friends of mine. I figure if I have to write about it here...I may be less apt to eat junk. But I promise to write about it here if I do.

I'm off to get dressed and go to my Uncles' house for the day. It's our typical holiday retreat spot as he has a pool and the kids love to go in it and I love to sit out on his lanai and read a book while they do. Usually several family members follow me out there but I'm ok with that, usually. I'll try to take pictures of what I eat there.

Saturday, May 9, 2009

New Perspective

I went to boot camp this morning.  I didn't feel like doing it, to be quite honest and the only thing that gave me the motivation to go was that I knew Debbie was going because I was going and that I didn't want to let her down.

Well, I'm certainly glad I went.

I hadn't worked out in quiet awhile, like a month. And I have been feeling very out of shape, but I knew Deb was waiting for me, so I got my butt out of bed and I went. And I'm so glad I did.

Apparently, I am not as out of shape as I feared and I also need to remember the feeling that i have right now, the good feeling. This feeling will stay with me if I stay with it. 

It was a combo of intense strength training and cardio spurts. The biggest complaint. Why do they call that move "burpees" Because you are going to burp up your insides after you do a set of them?? They are honestly heinous. And because of this, probably something I should do more often. 

There were women of all sizes there, oddly enough no men, other that the trainers from they gym. Perhaps because men don't feel that boot camps are manly enough. And don't get me started on the argument I almost got into with one of the participants of the boot camp on "toning" and how low weights are right for women. Seriously?? I started to engage and then realized, why?? I will most probably never see this woman again and I don't even care what she has to say about this topic. So I put on my plastic smile, nodded my head and said oh yes, of course. BAER

I also may have found a drink to use to take my greens with. 10 calorie vitamin water. I'll try those next.

In other random weekend news, Happy Mother's Day to all you out there!

Friday, May 8, 2009

It's been awhile

It's been awhile since I've written. And a lot has happened. But no one really reads this, and Facebook notes aren't where I can be totally open and honest and for some reason I feel like I need a safe place to write about my struggles.

Because I'm struggling. And I have been. Since the 1/2 in February I ran I haven't exercised and I haven't eaten properly. I guess I really wasn't eating all that great before the 1/2 either, BUT when you are running 20 miles a week and you are burning hundreds of calories a day then I suppose the eating is not too big a deal. It does explain why I didn't lose and only maintained when I was in training.

Anyway, a lot has happened since I last wrote. First, as you gathered from above, I ran a 1/2 marathon. I also have a boyfriend. A really great guy who I went to high school with.

But my sister is still gone. And I miss her. I can't seem to find a way to channel this grief. So instead, I go through periods of either starving myself or shoving food in my face. I haven't gotten to the place where I am going to purge but I've thought of it.

YES, I am seeing a therapist. I just started and she specializes in Eating Disorders so I am hopeful that I will be able to realize what and why I eat rather than try to just lose the weight. I need to know what the problem is, I know what the symptom is.

So hopefully posting here will help. Me, but if it helps one of you then so much the better.