Another football day

Hopefully my Dolphins do better today than the Hurricanes did yesterday.

I love relaxing and being up early with my cup of coffee before everyone gets up.  I have quite a few things to do around the house, but I'm taking a bread at lunch time to have lunch with my friends from high school.  We try to get together at least once a month. We try to do it more, but it hasn't worked out that way.

I totally neglected my reading yesterday even though I did go to the library.  I'm hoping to finish the Uglies  today or tomorrow.  I have so many books on my TBR list that I'm not sure which one I'll pick up next. I'll probably pick back up Sunday Money since I am about half way through and dropped it to participate in the DystopYA challenge.

I'm down a pound this week.  Very happy about that. I know I made some positive changes, but I also know that there are a bunch of things I could change that would make the loss more significant. However, it's not about big pendulum swings but rather slow and steady progress that will remain.

Breakfast will probably be toast with coffee and a slice of cheese.  A light one since I'm going to lunch with the girls.  I'll try to remember to take more pictures.

Coffee calls.

Heat, heat and more heat

OMG, it's been so hot lately. It's October, and while I do remember times where it was warm/humid on Halloween, I truly don't remember this horrible heat before this late in the year.

I've been feeling a restlessness. This in and of itself is nothing new. But, I've been thinking more and more of moving northward. The biggest problem is my job. I've been there for 14 years. I suppose the best scenario is one where I get a promotion in a different city and therefore can still keep my job and scratch my restlessness.

I had yesterday off which was quite nice. Not the original reason that I had the day off but the fact that we were finished by 10a and I had the rest of the day to myself. I wound up running errands and doing chores at home, but I watched a couple West Wing episodes and this, for me, is definitely a treat. I loved that show and there hasn't been a show on it since for me. There are a couple who come close, but they still lack something.

I finished The Hunger Games. I'll have an official review coming up, but needless to say, it was one of those books that I couldn't put down and needed to finish. It was that good.

In sports related news, the Dolphins won!! We beat the hated Jets. Which is my usual goal for the season. Beat the Jets and the Patriots. Well, one out of two isn't so bad.

I've been eating intuitively, or at least trying to. It's obviously working since I lost over a pound this week. Hopefully, this momentum will continue. I'm going to do it anyway. Time to get ready for work.

History repeats itself

Doesn't it??

I'm watching a tribute to Peter, Paul, and Mary since the Mary of that trio passed away this week. For some reason, other than this, I've been bombarded with images of the 70's. I was just a little kid then, being born in '69. And my memories of course, are clouded, but I seem to remember the anti-war movement and the economy being in the shitter (I don't care Bernanke says, we are still there) I look at the people in these 70's clips and wonder if they felt the way we do. They must have, I remember the newscasts. I remember way the world was. I guess the biggest difference is back then it was just the Soviets that we had to be afraid of and now, well, it's not a nation state so much as the ever present "terrorism." The face of which is Osama. How about the asian nations ? Was it like this back then? Are my memories clouded by childhood? Or is it that I'm now an adult and of course it seems worse to me now.

My parents say it's worse now, but that at the time it felt just as bad? I suppose that these are rhetorical questions. Because if any of us had the answers we would be in D.C. and have a chance at the nomination of a Nobel Prize.

And I always go back to, I wonder how different this world would be if the person who won in 2000 was able to actually be the President.

The birthday party yesterday was awesome!! I see that Shy will definitely have to switch gyms when she gets older if she continues the path of gymnastics. One of that gyms girls made the Nationals in Texas this year. The only one in the entire South Florida area. I feel like Kim in Ms Saigon, "I'll give my life for you." Which I would, for this kid. For her to reach her dreams. Happily.

In food and weight loss, I lost 2.2 pounds his week. Yea me. I really didn't do anything except curb the nighttime eating. This is really quite motivating. To quote Rocky, "it's what you do when life smacks you done that matters. Not when or whether you get smacked. Keep moving forward." Ok, maybe that wasn't the exact quote but I think you get the idea.

I'm off to enjoy my Sunday.

Saturday in the park

If it doesn't rain again, that is.

Saturday morning is for chores though. Lots of boring chores. Then, I'm heading over to the big library sale with the kids. I get great book sales from our library that way. I'm a bookworm, as you may know, so this is a really cheap and easy way to pick up some great book deals. Plus the kids love to go to the library to get books and movies.

I'll take the girl to the park if it isn't raining although, I just remembered that she has an event at her gym tonight at 630p. I'll probably skip the park today then since we have to go to that.

I'll also head to the grocery store and plan out my meals for the week. I've got the tools I need to succeed, I just need to use them. Implement what's in my head into my day to day life. I'm not letting the number on the scale define me. For the first time ever. I'm also tired of feeling uncomfortable in my own skin, literally and figuratively. It's time to make that change. It's not an all or nothing thing with me. I realize that it's going to take time and that like a child who learns how to walk by taking little steps that I too will have to take little steps along this path that is my life. Rather than ask for help in dealing with the cravings and munchies, I don't want to have them at all. Is it mind over matter? At this point, I'm not sure. I just know that I've come to a place where I really want to be healthy. I'm not getting any younger and this body, imperfect as it is has served me well these 40 years. I'd like it to serve me a lot longer.

My children deserve one parent who will be able to keep up with them. That's me. I will be right there by their side. And by doing so, will teach them the way to eat, the way to live and the way to be happy with themselves.

In other related kid news, Shy can read. Really read. She read Green Eggs and Ham all by herself last night. Maybe she'll start a book review blog.

Weekend!!

The week ended just fine. I had a decent day at work, and the she-devil wasn't too bad today. Have I told you about the she-devil? Well, she's going to be our new CFO and can definitely be demanding. To the extent of where I get in trouble for not having foresight for events and duties that aren't within my realm of responsibility. Yesterday was a good day. I didn't have to use my clairvoyant powers.

I went to bed really early last night. My Friday night date with Bill (Maher that is) will have to occur over the weekend I suppose. I know I'm not the only single gal who does this. I've embraced my reclusiveness as you know. But I was so tired, being the first week of school and all, I wound up falling asleep at like 930p or so while I was watching Lewis Black. He is one of my favorites.

My parents are on their way down and will be here this week. I'm going to get chores done around the house this morning before they get here so I can relax guilt free the rest of the weekend. I think my aunt and uncle are going to come down as well.

Food wise, I'm happy to announce that I didn't (because I went to bed) snack last night. I had to have an important conversation with my son, J. He's been doing great and is down 12 pounds. I'm very proud of him. Yesterday he bought his lunch at school, and I told him that he could. He also, as he told me later, bought a small ice cream. And then he proceeded to tell me that he felt "guilty" while he ate it and afterward. WHAT!! NO!! I screamed inside. The last thing in the world I want is for my children to endure the struggles internally with food that I have. My mission has to be for them to be normal. I've always focused on my daughter that I guess I never realized that it could happen to a boy as well.

I told J, that he shouldn't have felt guilty that he needed to realize that we need food to live. And that's it. There are no emotions involved. I asked what else he ate and he ate really healthy the next meal and prior to that meal. I explained that is the way it's normally done. Do not feel guilty, since you didn't do anything wrong.

He said he understood. I really hope so. It just makes me realize that the little eyes are watching me. Reinforces the fact that I need to model my behavior the way I want them to be, not just talk it. I need to walk it. Well, I suppose that is something I knew all along. I'll do this for them.

I weighed in today and amazingly I lost a pound. I've been much more mindful this past week than I have in a long time and while I know I haven't been perfect so I'll accept the loss. I had a great day with my daughter yesterday. Took her to get her hair done as she starts school on Monday. We also went to the library and hung out there for awhile. We both enjoy it and it is a very cost effective way to spend time.

Breakfast this morning was really easy and yummy. Yes, I said yummy, deal with it.

Coffee in my most favorite coffee mug and my breakfast was fat free vanilla yogurt w/a drizzle of honey and some fresh strawberries and half a banana. I also topped it with half a larabar, pecan pie flavored. This clocks in at 300 calories and I was very satisfied with it. I feel so much better when I pay attention to my satisfaction levels so I'm not sure why I don't do it more often. Oh you know, like all the time, like normal people do.

My plans today include getting J's backpack for school. I also want to watch that Melissa chick, the winner of the Next Food TV Star, or whatever the title is.

Lunch is going to be a frittata that includes cleaning out my refrigerator. J lost another 2 pounds. He's down to 10 pounds in like a month or so. I am so proud of him. He's managed to do it without complaint. I suppose the threat of multiple needle sticks should he develop diabetes helped.

Also have been watching Studio 60. It lasted maybe one and a half seasons on tv. I call it smart tv which is why it went over Joe Q Public's head. Well, hopefully Aaron Sorkin will come up with a new show soon. He did this one as well as West Wing, possibly the best show ever. My favorite that's for sure.

I'm off to do laundry. Surely you don't come here for the exciting life I lead but rather, I'm sure the scintillating prose. LOL!!

Sunday Brunch

Why do we always have brunch on sunday? The collective we, not a specific we. It seems to me that people in general are more apt to have brunch on Sunday more so than any other day. Maybe because some of us go to church first thing, and then get out at a late breakfast/early lunch time? Or maybe because some of us like to lounge around reading the paper, drinking coffee and watching Charles Kuralt. Except that Google just told me that he died like ten years ago?? Wow, how did I miss that? They must play re-runs. Or am I thinking of some other middle aged balding journalist that is on on Sunday mornings?? Enough of that tangent.

My Saturday was relatively uneventful except for the constant torrid of rain. Although, I did get to go to the Produce Market in WPB by my aunt's house while Derek's iPod finished downloading. He graduates from some elite military training thing and we are all so proud of him. He is going to finish college and then go in as an Officer's Candidate. We (specific now) are all so proud of him. Anyway, this market is called Boy's Market. And they have a lot of great produce for mostly decent prices. Some things aren't always, but for the most part, it's definitely a great deal. I got a lot of veggies/fruit for this week, so be on the lookout for some food and meal pic's.

I'm constantly amazed by the number of elderly people who can fit within that square foot radius that they call Delray Beach.

Today I'm having brunch w/Nikki (my high school chum) on Las Olas. It's been awhile since we have gotten together so I'm looking forward to seeing her. I had not seen her respond text and I almost made plans to go to the South Beach Farmer's Market today. I wasn't sure what day I was going to do Derek's iPod so I had tentative plans for today as well. Thankfully, I got it all finished yesterday.

My eldest has a girlfriend. A very sweet girl.

So you are wondering where is the food in my blog???? I'll take pictures today. I'm going to re-start yet again today after getting on the scale and finding myself a full ten pounds up from what I was in March and a full 15 pounds more than I was when I ran the half marathon in February. I'm having coffee today and will have an egg white veggie omelet for brunch. I'll have a snack at around 3p of fruit, crackers w/hummus and then dinner tonight is going to be marinara and whole wheat pasta skillet dish. Side of broccoli and a salad.

Double Dipping a bad idea

For chips and dip

for bikini waxing

this was on the news today. They did a segment about the "dangers" of bikini waxing.

Tales from the scale. I'm up again. I took a picture of myself in my skivvies and am really determined to do this. It was mentioned to me yesterday that maybe I'm ok with myself at this weight. I think what's happened is that I'm ok with me. Whether I'm this weight or not. I'm ok with who I am. Finally, for the first time in 40 years. This doesn't make me happy about my weight though, this just means that I don't hate myself because of it.

It's Tuesday. Which means I get to start again. It's going to be a good week, I can feel it. I've got a low key day planned, work and I've planned out my meals for the day. I'll do the 30 Day Shred when I get home. Breakfast is cereal w/fruit. I seriously cannot wait until I finish this cereal. I know that it doesn't fill me up but I'm trying to spend as little as possible at the grocery store. I spent $77 this past weekend and it was mostly stuff for the kids, and Anthony for the week. Lunch is leftover Shrimp Feta over Brown Rice Stix. I love these things. They are like 50 calories per serving. And it's a significant serving too. Super easy to make and cook. I found them in the rice/grain aisle at Whole Foods. I'll take a picture next time as I'll be headed to Whole Foods this weekend.

Dinner is going to be rice and red beans congri. I'll have to figure out something to go along with it, but I have some veggie burgers that I can along with it on a thin. Ooh, I also have roasted corn and tomato salad which was really, really good. This was easy, diced a fresh tomato, roasted a couple of ears of corn on the grill. Mix together and spritz w/some balsamic vinaigrette.

I've also stayed true to my no book purchases until I've read 5. That 5 doesn't include the books that I've borrowed from April. However, I'm almost done with Steve Harvey's Act Like a Lady, Think like a Man so that brings me to 3. Two more and I can justify the books I bought the other weekend. It was a book purchase loan. LOL

I guess I should post the shrimp recipe but I've got to get ready for work. I'll do it tonight. Have a great day everyone.

The Halls of Justice

They are awful quiet. I got up and the butt crack of dawn as I had to serve on Jury Duty today. Considering I haven't been called in ten years, I suppose I shouldn't complain. However, 730a is awful early to be downtown when I live on the eastern edge of the Everglades.

Needless to say, the little ones stayed at Nanny's so I wouldn't have to fuss with them in the early morning light. I got myself to courthouse on time, I know this must shock those of you who know me. But there area few things that I will be on time for. My job, well, duh, because they pay me and I have rather become attached to electricity and having a roof over my head. And anything having to do with the legal system. I have respect for this system of ours, no matter how flawed it is and no matter how crooked some people are, I still will always have respect for the process, our country and all that this entails.

So, this means doing my civic duty and not trying to shirk it whenever possible. A bowl of cereal at the ungodly hour of 630am was my breakfast, with some soy milk and coffee. Not my regular dose of coffee either which means, I was yawning by 10am. I also was hungry by then, but since I had no cash on me I couldn't buy anything from the cafeteria. They dismissed us for lunch at like 1120a and I went across the street to this cute little organic cage. It's run by two Russian women and a really high strung man. The Russians ladies paid him no attention though as they made my hummus and feta sandwich on panini bread with tomatoes, onions, romaine lettuce, spinach, cucumbers and carrots. This served with home made potato chips. Which were really homemade, peeled right here in this little place. Of course, I had them all.

Oh, and how could I have forgotten. I'm down another pound. That makes three weeks in a row. When I'm doing nothing other than some intermittent exercise and eating when hungry and stopping when not. Some, ok, ok, a lot of the things I am eating aren't exactly on the top ten superfood list, and to be honest I've gone occasionally past the satisfied marker. But I'm still losing. This gives me yet more motivation to keep on keeping on. That and I'd like to have hot sex with a certain someone but won't until I feel a little better about myself. Oh, don't get me wrong, and save me the "he should like you the way you are" speech, because I don't give a shit about what he thinks. I want to swing from chandeliers and the only way I can do that is if I feel better about my body.

Yes, I realize that I'm doing it backwards and doing it for the wrong reasons, as my therapist sagely pointed out yesterday, but whatever. I'm working on what I can do. And this is something I can do. So I will.

Did I mention I ran yesterday? I thoroughly enjoyed it as well. I always forget how running just to run makes me feel. Like it doesn't matter what my time is, how how many miles I go. It's just so mind soothing to get out there and go.

What do you like to do that clears you mind and centers you?

150

Point 6 to be exact. I have gained the inevitable 2 pounds back. And I don't know why. Unless being on antibiotics can cause this. I don't see how that can be the case since the antibiotics make me want to throw up everything I put in my mouth. But I do know that I am sick of this. Sick of being this weight. Sick of being depressed. Sick of being insecure about my relationship w/DBF and just sick of it all. The anxiety, the insecurity, the Dr's. All.of.it.

So what do I need to do to fix it? Well, maybe fix isn't the right word. And maybe there is no fix, there is just improvement.  Maybe I just need to reframe the way I think about things.  Yesterday the PsY said that I should think of consistent commitment in the terms of how I have been at my job for 14 years.  I started and stayed there initially for the wrong reasons, the right decision for the wrong reasons. Who knew you could even do that? And then eventually, it evolved, and I evolved and I realized that the consistency of being at one place of employment does pay me back some benefits so I stayed the course. At several points, I thought about quitting and I saw that the grass (through interviews) isn't always greener on the other side and so I stayed plugging away at my place of employment because it provided a lot of positive feedback to me.  I shall try to approach weight loss, hell anything I want to do over a long period of time in this way.  We definitely identified an all or nothing attitude, to the extreme with me. Gee, Sherlock, I didn't realize that? BAER.  But she doesn't know me, so I imagine it will take some time.  Also, I have an obsession with my weight/body.  Also, a Captain Obvious moment, but I suppose we need to definitively identify my specific issues in order to then deal with them.  Ok, so that parts out of the way.

I know this is supposed to be a semi-food blog so I'll tell you what I ate yesterday.  Breakfast was a bagel and a banana. This is not a good breakfast choice for me, but, with the antibiotics, it's about all I can take.  Lunch was a salad w/faux crab from our downstairs cafeteria and a bag of pretzels and dinner I went out with DBF. I had some rice, snapper w/creamed spinach and steamed veggies.  He didn't stay over, he stayed at his mom's since his appointment was up north.  I'm thinking I'm ok with this as long as there isn't some underlying reason. I can't imagine that there is, since he hasn't really changed too much and we did hang out with the kids. I think all the paperwork on his divorce is now being finalized and he's having some issues with that. Not necessarily oh, it's a mistake issues, but feeling pretty emotional about it and his method of dealing with it is withdrawal. I'm trying to NOT blame him for other men's actions in my life and give him the benefit of the doubt, but truthfully, that's a big leap for me, and I just want to emotionally withdraw as well to protect myself.

In actuality, this is fine, and I think I am ok with it as I really do want to concentrate on taking better care of me, and to quote him, "I'm ok with with how we are right now, don't want to change anything" when discussing the future. Because as he is just coming out of this relationship, he wants to go slow. As for me, I hear, run Forest run.

So I will. Run that is.  

Weigh In Day

Is Thursdays for me. I changed it. I don't know why, a couple of weeks ago. And I am down to 148.5, which is down about 2 lbs from last time. Which makes me happy. And I know I have been exactly great this week with my eating but I have managed to keep the binge monster mostly at bay. I have been on the verge, and have been snacky, but haven't gotten to a full fledged binge.

Yesterday was an ok day eating wise. I had oatmeal with a banana for breakfast. I have pictures, but I didn't load them yet and I have to make this a quick post so I don't have time to post them.

The important thing that happened yesterday was my urge to snack even though I realized I was NOT hungry in the afternoon. I made a cup of tea instead and then go so busy at work that I didn't even have time to drink it. Which is pretty funny, considering I was moments before wanting to break into my snack stash. 

I ran 3 miles last night which felt great.  I also had some so-called friends on Facebook attack me  like we were high school girls. It was ridiculous, honestly. Needless to say they have been deleted. My DBF was quite appalled as well, but he's a guy and doesn't understand what these peoples problems are. I do, simply they are jealous. Of what, I'm not quite sure, but there are some serious issues there. However, I am not really friends with them, so I care not. 

Today is my middle child's birthday so I will be taking him out to eat. I will probably be having a salad, if I stay strong.  Maybe that isn't the right mentality, but I don't what the right one would be so I'm going with what I know, even though it hasn't always worked out so well for me.

It's coffee time for me and got to get running for work. I've got some great leftovers for lunch, hopefully I'll have a chance to post the pictures tonight. 

It's been awhile

It's been awhile since I've written. And a lot has happened. But no one really reads this, and Facebook notes aren't where I can be totally open and honest and for some reason I feel like I need a safe place to write about my struggles.

Because I'm struggling. And I have been. Since the 1/2 in February I ran I haven't exercised and I haven't eaten properly. I guess I really wasn't eating all that great before the 1/2 either, BUT when you are running 20 miles a week and you are burning hundreds of calories a day then I suppose the eating is not too big a deal. It does explain why I didn't lose and only maintained when I was in training.

Anyway, a lot has happened since I last wrote. First, as you gathered from above, I ran a 1/2 marathon. I also have a boyfriend. A really great guy who I went to high school with.

But my sister is still gone. And I miss her. I can't seem to find a way to channel this grief. So instead, I go through periods of either starving myself or shoving food in my face. I haven't gotten to the place where I am going to purge but I've thought of it.

YES, I am seeing a therapist. I just started and she specializes in Eating Disorders so I am hopeful that I will be able to realize what and why I eat rather than try to just lose the weight. I need to know what the problem is, I know what the symptom is.

So hopefully posting here will help. Me, but if it helps one of you then so much the better.

Another day of work outs

And eating right. It's funny, how working out impacts my ability to not eat shit. I have no desire to put anything into my body that isn't totally beneficial to it after working out. Whether it's just lifting some weights (i use that term loosely as they are only 5 lb weights) or running or doing a dvd (thank god for my new player) I don't feel the need to snack or eat anything when I am not truly hungry.

It has taken me about 2-3 weeks to get to this point. And trust me 5am wake up calls aren't exactly thrilling yet. But once I get it out of the way I feel free to go about my day. I have even started working out a second time after work.  I guess because I am so sleepy in the morning that I don't feel it counts.

It's funny because I wrote about how going on a date with a yummy hottie also gives me incentive to stay OP. I mean honestly, the thought of appearing naked or in a bathing suit with this guy has me doing like 100 sit ups. But it really isnt' the date that has me going. Because as E said, well, what if he doesn't call, does that mean that you aren't going to keep working out. Hell no, like I said Sat night, men are like buses, one comes by every 11 min or so. But seriously, I feel so good about what I am doing right now, my motivation comes from within. Not from an external source.

That is just gravy!!

Struggle

So I would not ever admit this to anyone, but I have been struggling big time. Of course, I have been honest and updated my middle number on my WW profile, but that is about all that I have done to acknowledge my slide.  And I can't pinpoint why. I try to figure it out.

I try to take all the advice that I give everyone else. And it just is what it is.  The truth of the matter is, I just need to do it.  I can try to psycho-analyze myself and why I sabotage myself, but truthfully, that is why I pay Dr. S the big bucks. He can do that. Me, I just need to do it. Or not do it, however the case may be.  

Like Jodie likes to say, stop shoveling shit into your mouth and get off the couch. My problem is that I am so close to goal. I have always used my vanity in an attempt to stay thin, but this time, I have not been able to do that. Maybe because I have cute clothes, or ah, hell I don't know.

I am tired of having this roll around my gut thought. I guess in the past I have always needed to be at goal and thin in order to feel worthy to have a man's attention. I have since worked on my brain and self esteem and feel pretty worthy, even though I am single, I am worthy and I deserve to have what I want. I am in no rush to get into a relationship and therefore no longer associate my weight with my ability to get a man. 

Great psychological breakthrough but it really fucks with my ability to stay OP!

well, it's Saturday

And I did absolutely no exercise this week.  Of course, I always had an excuse, but really and truly that is just what they are. Excuses.

I hate excuses. yet I allow myself to do it. Why? Is the alternative beating myself up? Because I don't want to do that either. 

One good thing, even though I didn't exercise, I stayed OP and I didn't think of it as "falling off" the wagon or having to start fresh. It just a new day. 80% of the time, I make the right choices. my goal is to improve that to 90% of the time. That's a pretty good batting average if you look at it that way and I am going to try and be positive and look at what I have accomplished instead of what I haven't.

I wrote about this the other day on the WW Core Board, my goal is to maintain my weight loss, not lose the weight. It's to keep it off.  I can't and won't do that successfully if I don't get my attitude in check. So if it takes me a year, then so be it.  I won't be a slave to the number on the scale.