up and down, up and down

well, I lost those 2 pounds and then some, and now this week I am up again.  I know that I am doing everything I should be. I am also exercising like a fiend. And I feel really good about that.

I will not despair. This weight, will come off eventually, if has to. Resistance is futile. I mean, it can't stay around forever can it? If I keep doing what I am doing. Or just eat more veggies. I mean at this point I am just not sure what I should and should not do.  Other than just keep on doing it. 

Like I have always said, giving up in not an option.

The past week

Has been a good one. Or so I thought, until I got on the scale. UP. 2.4 

WHAT!!!  

Well, apparently I must be eating past satisfaction, because I do believe that it is just a simple mathematical formula.

And no, it isn't because I am exercising more and muscle weighs more than fat. Because a pound is a pound is a pound.

I won't give up. 

My run today

Was much harder than Saturdays run.  I had new shoes on and I was very tired from lack of sleep the last few nights. AND, I had the treadmill on an incline. I think I will do my next run, on wed, outside.  I need to run 3 miles, so I will do that outside. Having to muscle through it, I still ran 4 miles today.  AND I did weights.

I ate over all of my wpas this week and weigh in is tomorrow so we shall see how that affects it. PLUS, I ate sat's aps. Which I don't usually do.

But I did have an nsv in that I didn't have the cake today. I had a bite of it and literally that's it. I threw it away.  I am working to hard to throw it all away like that.  I really don't want my belly to jiggle when I run. That and how can I eat like that when I am working out so hard.

This is a completely different mindset. One I haven't had before.

update on weigh in tomorrow.

Sunday night

I had too much to drink last night. And made today's eating erratic. I still journaled all of it though. 

I also did work out today, even though I was wicked tired. Just a 40 min taebo strength dvd. According to my training schedule today was a strength and stretch day. So I did.

I also cooked several meals and stocked up on frozen veggies, so I am prepared for the week. I learned last week that if I don't have precooked meals, or things cut up and prepared already, during the week that it just won't get done. I get too busy and have too little time after working, the kids, and the gym to cook. PLUS, I really don't eat a defined dinner. I eat at like 5p a snack and then I have a small meal after my work out.

Weigh in on tuesday so I will advise if my hard work has paid off any.

Weigh In

I lost two pounds. And I joined a gym.  I am feeling strong like a bull and totally staying OP.

I am bound and determined to get my jiggly self into shape. I want to prove all the naysayers that just because a woman is turning a certain age, that doesn't mean that she should give up.

And sign up dude at the gym, I could have totally been born in 1979. Everyone says it. Except, apparently you. WTF??

Anyway, been sticking to my menu, and not even wanting or having the desire to go off plan.  To quote Kate, this will be the last week I am at this weight.  I did realize that I absolutely need to precook all of my meals for the week. There is absolutely no desire from me to cook during the week. I get home too late, and I would rather just not eat than have to cook. That is not a good thing to do, so NSV for me.

In other running related news, there is a half marathon in Feb in Ft. Lauderdale. It goes along the beach. I am contemplating joining up. I shall discuss with my mentor and decide after that.

The Week in Review

has really been great.  I ran about 14 miles this week. 5.25 of them accidently.  See my FB post to see about that.  It has to do with using the wrong route on mapmyrun.com

Anyway, I never did make the spicy tempeh broccoli. I think I will do that today.  I cooked way too much last week, and that makes it easy for this week, because I really don't have to cook too many things this weekend.  I have lots of frozen stuff.  not as much as Anne, but still, a lot of stuff in the freezer.

today, no running. I run 4x a week, and I usually do that Mon-Thurs.  So I will do taebo and weights today. Maybe yoga, if I have time.  But I have been feeling really great and definitely want to get these abs in somewhat presentable condition.  

By feb.  20 pounds and 10% body fat. It's totally doable. 

Holy Crap, it's been a month

Since I updated this blog.  Well, for my shenanigans since then just go look at the other blog or my facebook page. 

I have managed to maintain still. I am hovering within two to three pounds of this mid point range. So my good friend E has agreed to be my diet coach and receive and review my daily menu and how I do each day.  So far, not perfect, but definite progression to how I was doing. 

So maybe I should do my daily emails here too. Or maybe it's overkill. No, I think I will.  Today is a chores kind of day so I will be leaving shortly to finish my grocery shopping and rent a carpet cleaner. The dirty carpet in my apt. has been driving me nuts and no matter how much I clean the place it still looks gross because of it. So I will be renting one of 'those' machines and cleaning. I also have about a bazillion loads of laundry to fold and wash. That will however have to wait as I promised my daughter I would go to the pool.

In exchange for this fun filled day, I have given up on going to the UM vs FSU game.  The nosebleed sections were $65 and I just didn't feel justified given my current economic state in spending that, plus $20 in parking and then whatever else I spent at the game.  There was no way. Plus, I need some one on one w/Shyanne and with the boys at their dad's today is the perfect day to do so.

My meal plan is as follows:  B: Fiber 1, banana, coffee and milk

  L:  3 bean bake w/broccoli and barley

  S: cottage cheese and applesauce or green beans and carrots dipped

in FF ranch

D: spicy tempeh w/ broccoli

S: a latte

I will probably go to the book store tonight with shyanne, which is always fun for both of us. Also I think a trip to Whole Foods is in order.

Working out will entail a walk/run later if the rain stops and if not then the stationary bike.

I may not be eating OP

But I am definitely exercise and activity OP. Why are we like that? Why can't we have it all together, instead, we just have most of it together and one thing that is fucked up.  Must be human nature and all that jazz.

I have a cold and therefore, deep thoughts allude me.

I did run 3 miles today. ran them.

all of them.

that is all

Eating like crap

is what I have pretty much done the last two weeks. I have been lucky and haven't gained past the initial gainage.  But if I keep this up, then I know I won't be that lucky.

I decided somewhere along the road, that I don't want to just be ruled by the number on the scale. But I want to have tautness in my midriff section. and less jiggle in my legs.

So that is my ultimate goal. Why, well, to look better naked of course.

I guess people listen to what I write

Because I just noticed that someone on the WW board quoted me and I have no idea who she is. And she is a right to lifer. Which is her choice. 

But somehow as liberal as I am I find that ironic. But of course, my life lately is all about irony.  

What does this have to do with the way I eat. Nothing except that I noticed this while on the weight watchers core board.

Hmmm, I guess I should consider it a compliment, and just keep being myself. By the way, the only problem I have with right to lifers is that they want to impose their choice on me. I respect the fact that their choice is right to life. I just want the same in return.

Maintained the Gain

Which I am going to look at in a positive light and say, well at least I didn't go up anymore.

it's ok, I will take that as a positive thing and continue on my journey. I mean, it's not like it was a 10 pound gain. It was like 2. I can lose that and then some by the end of the month.  Which is what my mini goal is. Get down to a new decade by the end of the month. Because I may have company. 

In semi-related news, it makes it difficult to get up at 5am if one is up until after midnight on the phone with Canadians. Just Sayin'

and Note to Self.   Get thee to bed at a decent hour, I am NOT on Pacific time, no matter how much I want to be. 

Other news, my 5K is in 2 days. I hope I don't make too poor a showing.

Calories Count

It's the only explanation I can come up with in an attempt to justify my weight gain even though i exercised and ate right.

The alcohol probably didn't help, but truthfully, I didn't have *that* much to drink.  

I am hitting it hard the next few days, because I have the 5K that I am running with Crystal.  I am excited and nervous about it at the same time, because I don't want to have a too poor of a showing and also because it is my first race.

In other news, I NEED new running shoes immediately following this race.

Exercise on Vacation

Did not keep me from gaining a couple of pounds. jeeze. What the heck do you have to do. I exercised three out of the 4 days and the 4th day was the day I left so there was no way I had time for a work out that day.  

But, ok, so the plus side is that I would have maybe gained more?? I don't know, all i know is that I was in vancouver, and I did relatively well while still being able to eat somewhat right and not have junk. That is the one thing I am proud of, i didn't eat just to eat. That is because this is the way I eat now.

I did stay true to no meat, even though it made it a little difficult during the dim sum in chinatown. Which was really good and authentic.

I actually had to ice my knee one day after all of the walking, exercising and dancing I was doing. 

My quest for a rock solid body continues.  

Things I realized while running

1. It's Florida. Why do you have to "make" hills. These don't bother me when I am starting out, but coming back from a 3 mile run, yea, those fake hills suck.

2.  Running into the wind is much harder on your second part of your run.

3. I hate those damn little gnats.  I never breathe in through my mouth except when there is a swarm of these stupid things. Reminds me of the trolls on the boards.

4. I need to use a knee sleeve. And don't forget to ice it afterwards.

Another day of work outs

And eating right. It's funny, how working out impacts my ability to not eat shit. I have no desire to put anything into my body that isn't totally beneficial to it after working out. Whether it's just lifting some weights (i use that term loosely as they are only 5 lb weights) or running or doing a dvd (thank god for my new player) I don't feel the need to snack or eat anything when I am not truly hungry.

It has taken me about 2-3 weeks to get to this point. And trust me 5am wake up calls aren't exactly thrilling yet. But once I get it out of the way I feel free to go about my day. I have even started working out a second time after work.  I guess because I am so sleepy in the morning that I don't feel it counts.

It's funny because I wrote about how going on a date with a yummy hottie also gives me incentive to stay OP. I mean honestly, the thought of appearing naked or in a bathing suit with this guy has me doing like 100 sit ups. But it really isnt' the date that has me going. Because as E said, well, what if he doesn't call, does that mean that you aren't going to keep working out. Hell no, like I said Sat night, men are like buses, one comes by every 11 min or so. But seriously, I feel so good about what I am doing right now, my motivation comes from within. Not from an external source.

That is just gravy!!

Wow, kickboxing work out is hard

And I can really feel it in my knee.  

Another running day

And I am down again, the scale that is.

I ran today on 4 hours of sleep.  3 miles.  I walked/ran. but wow.  I felt like crap immediately afterward.  Why did I get only 4 hours sleep. Ahh, see the other blog for that news story.

But I did.  It makes me feel strong. It makes me feel confident. I am out to defy the odds that things go downhill after 40. I am totally on a mission.  

I will do it.

The 5K Spet 6th

Yes, in three weeks. Obviously, while I look at a calendar all day long, I failed to notice this little tidbit of information prior to registering for this race.

Whatever, the mere fact that everyone thinks I can't do it only give me the strength I need to forge ahead. Just so I can say, hah, you were wrong.

I am soooooo stubborn like that.

Day Two of Running

Well, several things, but first. The gnats. Oh man, I totally forgot about those stupid little gnats that we get. Well, thankfully I was wearing big sunglasses so they didn't get into my eyes. But I did have to wipe several dead ones off of the glasses. Also, it's good incentive to properly breathe and inhale through your nose and exhale out your mouth.  Because when you inhale with your mouth who knows how many how of those stupid gnats you eat. Ew. 

The other, Torre is slowing me down. I think I almost killed her. Or gave her heat stroke. Either one. I think that I am going to have to walk/run with her around the block and then bring her home and go finish myself. Because she was out afterwards yesterday. 

The other thing that is really good about sweating up a storm is that it really gives me incentive to stay OP. I mean I just busted my ass, as I did in the morning working out and the last thing I want to do is blow it by eating some junk. That I will forget about in two seconds.

Good food, like good sex is worth the wait and effort.

the Scale

I weigh 4 lbs less than yesterday?  Really?

That must have been one heck of a bowel movement.  4 lbs.

jesus and to think I don't eat meat anymore.  That's a lot of roughage.

In other random news, I woke up again on time and rode the bike. My ass bone hurts from that stupid seat. I think I need to look into a gel seat.

I also continue to love listening to my iPod podcasts while I ride. No if I could only wash the pile of dirty clothes that are in my "weight and stretching" space then I could have done that too.

I hate laundry. And I still need a new dvd player.

My Walk with Torre

My aunt stays home with my kids during the day while I go to work. She does this with my grandparents. My aunt has had both knees replaced and really can't walk that well. She has this 45 lb wheaten terrier that is the nicest dog. But gets absolutely no exercise.  I decided that while I do a c25K the dog can do it with me. So I brought my shoes and Torre (my aunt is a Yankees fan) and I hit the road.

Forget about the exercise. The happiness on this dogs face was evident immediately.  She kept looking at me as if to say, "Really?"  It was just amazing to be able to do this for this dog.  And it really made my aunt feel good about it too.  Well, Torre, for our first outing was able to do the entire workout I had planned and by the end was exhausted. I am sure she will sleep well.

And the time flew by!!  I am now planning on doing this everyday after work, barring rain. She gets her work out and so will I.

I will still get up in the morning to do my morning workout. 

I am strong like a BULL!!

Self Confidence

I vacillated on which blog to post this on.  I decided that since it involves friends I made through WW and body image I would post it on here. It is suffice to say that once you have been overweight, when you lose the weight you don't always lose the fat girl mentality. That being, for me, I have to give in sexually in order to have a guy like me, because surely they can't find me attractive and therefore, that IS the only way for me to capture their interest.

Well, thanks to my ever so wise friends J & J, no, you know what, it isn't. I have confidence about my abilities in all other aspects of my life. My job, oh hell yea, I have confidence there. It is where I feel the most confident and comfortable.  My family status, I love my crazy fucked up family more than ever, especially now that I am more accepting of everyone, including my own, flaws.  My love life/relationship.....that is a  work in progress, but being in therapy for two years, I have definitely made some improvements.  But as Jodie said, Great relationships don't start out being sexual, they just don't. Regrettable situations certainly do. And that made me reexamine my past. All of my relationships have started out quickly in the sex area. Part of it is that I am comfortable with my sexuality and am older, but I KNOW I am not comfortable with my body image, so why rush things. If there is to be sex involved, let it be after I am comfortable with said person, because then I can be sure that it is me that they are attracted to and not just a couple of fucks.  Because again, as I was wisely told, I am worth more than that.  

I would rather be alone with my self respect. Honestly. And like I said the other day, if I don't believe it, well then practice and repetition.  I will get there eventually.  I am sure that she doesn't realize it, but Jodie is in my head, in a good way all the time. I don't know, truly what I would do without her (and several others that live no where near me) friendship.  I am  a better person today because of it.

Saturday and Sunday

I find that the structure that the work week provides is more conducive to my OPness than the free for all that the weekend offers.  Not having a boyfriend helps, because I don't have to deal with his/kids eating habits etc. Not that they were bad, it just gave me one more thing to struggle with.  

So in tackling this issue, I have decided that I can give my weekends a little more structure. All of this is in my control, which is strangely comforting to me as little else in my life is truly completely under my total control. Everything else is partially under my control, but events are usually impacted by others actions.  Which is a digression from my original intent of this post but important nonetheless.  If I need to be in control, and the only thing I can truly control is my OPness, then why don't I.

I do.  At least I have this past week, in it's entirety which has not happened in far too long.  Saturday and Sunday should be easy to structure, at least to some extent.  Because I mean honestly people, it's just three meals, another day in the life. This isn't rocket science or trying to come up with a new economic policy that would be equitable and fair for all of us. It's figuring out my days off. Easy as pie.

Saturday's entails errands and shlepping the kids around.  Well, not all of them. The biggest one sleeps until noon usually, unless he has to work, and the littlest one is still in the "Mommy is my best friend" mode and therefore will just want to be with me. 

AM: wake up, ride the bike or other exercise routine I have. Make coffee, have breakfast. Plan out weekly meals and grocery list.  Go to the pool if weather permits

Come home for lunch

Afternoon: go to the grocery store, run any other errands necessary, playdates, etc. snack can be  a latte from Sbux 

Dinner time: come home for that

Evening: chores, etc, card games with kiddos

Sunday: AM the same, except start to cook for the week..pool or park

Lunch at home, obviously

afternoon: watch race/sports while finishing up chores and cooking/planning/prep

See, was that so hard.

21 Days to a Habit

Willow on the weight watcher boards talked about this, actually several people did, and It got me to thinking. If I can wake up at 5am for the next 21 days, weekends notwithstanding, can I make this a habit. 

Will I get back to where I used to LOVE working out and would plan the day's activity's around working out rather than the other way around and trying to fit the work out in. Can I make the work out be a priority again. I don't know, but Jodie says that your body will do whatever your mind tells it to and that yes, whatever you say you can and will do, you can and will do.

So, thanks to Michele, my Board friend from Savannah, I got up at 5am. I didn't want to and actually thought about telling her not to text me until starting next week, but thankfully she held strong and was like, what's your number etc. So, I figured, look if this person who has never met you face to face is willing to be responsible for helping, then the least I can do is appreciate the help and get up. And boy did I try to find excuses, I said, I could text her then go back to sleep, but that would require me being dishonest later in the day, and I loathe dishonesty.  

then I thought, well I can get up and do chores or write or other stuff, but again, I would have to face the questions on the board, and I didn't want to have to either be dishonest, or not have done my part of the bargain. So I got up. I rode the bike. I even did a toning routine. Which is all not a "big" workout but like I discussed before, athletes don't just wake up one day and say, hey, I want to be in the olympics. They practice, and train, and practice some more.

So I did Day 1.  Day 8 or 9 is when I falter, so I shall try to post everyday about this. Maybe the accountability will help.

Struggle

So I would not ever admit this to anyone, but I have been struggling big time. Of course, I have been honest and updated my middle number on my WW profile, but that is about all that I have done to acknowledge my slide.  And I can't pinpoint why. I try to figure it out.

I try to take all the advice that I give everyone else. And it just is what it is.  The truth of the matter is, I just need to do it.  I can try to psycho-analyze myself and why I sabotage myself, but truthfully, that is why I pay Dr. S the big bucks. He can do that. Me, I just need to do it. Or not do it, however the case may be.  

Like Jodie likes to say, stop shoveling shit into your mouth and get off the couch. My problem is that I am so close to goal. I have always used my vanity in an attempt to stay thin, but this time, I have not been able to do that. Maybe because I have cute clothes, or ah, hell I don't know.

I am tired of having this roll around my gut thought. I guess in the past I have always needed to be at goal and thin in order to feel worthy to have a man's attention. I have since worked on my brain and self esteem and feel pretty worthy, even though I am single, I am worthy and I deserve to have what I want. I am in no rush to get into a relationship and therefore no longer associate my weight with my ability to get a man. 

Great psychological breakthrough but it really fucks with my ability to stay OP!

Why is it so hard

to be completely OP for just one day.

that is all

feeling muscles burn

I finally got myself on the bike, and rode. Hard. 

I liked the feeling of strength that it gave me.  I liked the feel of the burn in my muscle. And it helps me to stay OP because of it. I mean, I don't want to go and put crap in my body when it feels that good.

I made a list of great things to make this weekend to eat this week. They include: multi grain pilaf, which tasted amazing, black beans, red clam sauce w/spinach to have over whole wheat pasta, braised brussel sprouts and pat's polenta to have as breakfast.

With the veg's and fruit that I bought today, who misses meat. Although, the leftover greek bulgur chicken salad does have chicken in it. But once that is done, then my eating chicken days are over.

I feel strong like a bull!! Go me.

well, it's Saturday

And I did absolutely no exercise this week.  Of course, I always had an excuse, but really and truly that is just what they are. Excuses.

I hate excuses. yet I allow myself to do it. Why? Is the alternative beating myself up? Because I don't want to do that either. 

One good thing, even though I didn't exercise, I stayed OP and I didn't think of it as "falling off" the wagon or having to start fresh. It just a new day. 80% of the time, I make the right choices. my goal is to improve that to 90% of the time. That's a pretty good batting average if you look at it that way and I am going to try and be positive and look at what I have accomplished instead of what I haven't.

I wrote about this the other day on the WW Core Board, my goal is to maintain my weight loss, not lose the weight. It's to keep it off.  I can't and won't do that successfully if I don't get my attitude in check. So if it takes me a year, then so be it.  I won't be a slave to the number on the scale.

Timex Ironman

They have it in pink and you can control your iPod with it.

If I don't start loving my daily exercise now, what will do it?

oh, yes, that's right the feeling that I will get from feeling strong and being strong, and looking hot.

yea, I am that vain

This is so funny.......alli, just don't do it.

http://www.thewvsr.com/alli.htm


Seriously, folks. That has got to be some of the funniest shit (pun intended) that I have read in awhile. And I totally needed that laugh.

In other weight loss related news, I am down 2 lbs. Which would be great if it wasn't the same two pounds I gained last week. So for the month of July, I maintained.

Great, that was NOT the goal.

Update on my foray into running

Can you call it running if I walk more than I run.  Honestly, when did I become so completely out of shape. Oh, yea, this past year.

Well, I will beat my body into submission.

And walk some more.

Podcast part deux

I cannot believe I haven't been turned on to the joys of downloading free podcasts before today.  I will use these little nuggets of information and audio overload to sit on the bike more, and or walk/run more.  

this just may have been the  boredom buster that I have been looking for. You know I'm the queen of multitasking.

my dinner date

Food wise was FABULOUS!!  We went to a seafood place on the water, and other than the wine, and 1 piece of bread, my dinner was totally core.

And it was so good.  Dry grilled Mahi, sweet corn on the cob and thick sliced jumbo organic tomatoes w/basil.  It really was yummy and I was satisfied half way through.

Hopefully, not to much damage done.  Weight in on Tuesday and I have 8 WPAs left. I need to be hard core until then.

that is all

Enthusiastic Exercise

Where can I find this???  Is it within myself? Or maybe exercise is like men, and I am constantly choosing the wrong one.

Either way, I need to develop some enthusiasm for exercise. 

oy.

Running Diary

At Border's yesterday. I bought the Complete Runner's Log.

A training and Fitness guide. I bought it because I want to start running again. Jodie says all the time, your body will do whatever your brain tells it to. She also said that she didn't develop a runner's body overnight. She had to force it into submission.

So I plan on beginning my submission tomorrow morning. I will absolutely succeed if for no other reason that Pat said he doubted me.

A challenge as it were.  And I absolutely won't take that lying down. Other things with Pay lying down, oh yea, but that kind of challenge. Not a chance.

When someone figures it out

Could they please let me know.

Why did I eat 4-5 points worth of pretzels last night. I wasn't hungry, but I did it anyway.

Jesus. Ok, so you counted the points. Good. You got up and worked out. Good. That's credit. Give yourself credit for the good things you did. 

Today, eat your plan. Which is easy during the day. It is at night that I have a slight problem.  I am working on it.

I need to re-read Beck's.

Eating to Satisfaction

I finally realized what eating to satisfied means. Not today, but within the last few months.  I don't always pay attention to it. But I have to. I have to not eat to full. In order to be truly successful with weight loss, you (all of us) need to really pay attention to the satisfaction level.

It is disheartening to know how little food I truly NEED.  Want is another story all together, but the reality is that food is fuel and the amount that we need is miniscule.  If we are honest about it.

And anyone who knows me knows, that I am all about being honest. Brutally so sometimes. Portion distortion is my biggest problem. Even if the foods are core. They aren't to be eaten to excess.

So note to self, watch your portions and your satisfaction levels.

Hypocrisy

Is not a very becoming character trait. And one that I abhor.  So if it is the way "I eat now" then why the fuck is the scale moving up. Oh, wait, because I haven't been practicing what I preach. 

So, there. Now I faced the scale and I have decided that I really need to get back and what a minute, if it is the way I eat then why do I need to get back. i need to not eat like that is what it is. Focus on the veggie's.

Like Jodie said, it isn't rocket science, stop shoveling shit into your mouth and get up off of the couch.  Pretty simple. 

So do it already. You know the drill. it should be easy now that it is

#1 Summertime, less responsibilities

#2 No relationship to worry about

#3 Because it is time.