About Me

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About me, always hard to put into words a description about myself. We always see ourselves differently than others do. My likes: I love sports, all kinds. Especially NASCAR and baseball. Yea, strange I know, a bleeding heart liberal who likes NASCAR and country music. But here I am. I also am profoundly proud of the relationship that I have with my children and my family. They made me who I am today. Pink is my favorite color. I like all kinds of music, except perhaps rap. I am a rabid NPR listener and love my doggie. I work full time, am a semi-vegetarian, a voracious reader and a wanna be writer. Doing all that I do in the beautiful South Florida sunshine.

Sunday, June 28, 2009

sunday is funday

I finished the majority of the chores yesterday. Well, except for the laundry, but Jesus, I have so much laundry that the fact that I've managed to do all but the whites really deserves some recognition here. Actually, I've pretty much stuck to my plan this weekend. Well, other than eating animal crackers last night after dinner. What?? I've gotten slightly better and I'm measuring, weighing and writing it all down. So I'm hoping to slowly build on my momentum (no, not a Weight Watcher's plug) and actually start making some positive progress rather than maintain. Although, once I lose these 20 pounds, maintenance should be a breeze. I keep reminding myself, that weight loss is 80% what I eat. So STOP EATING ANIMAL CRACKERS!!! And no, there aren't any pictures of them, assholes.

I got up early to fold clothes and eat breakfast and eat a light breakfast and then meet up with Nicole and Cindy at the Farmer's Market on Las Olas. I have reserved grocery shopping for Sunday afternoons as I like to hit up the FM first because I really like the fact that the produce guy there comes from a local organic farm. AND he has fresh eggs, from chickens that they have on the farm. And they are treated humanely. I know because I asked. No, I haven't actually BEEN to the farm, but don't think I won't do a surprise visit to confirm said treatment of their laying hens.

So we met up at the Farmer's Market and then went to La Bonne something or other for brunch. Where I had all intentions of having an english muffin and that was it.

Instead, I had this

Which was seriously the best French Toast I have had in quite some time. What?? It's got bananas and strawberry's on there. Which I paid extra for. But my health is definitely worth it.

Shyanne decided to order ala cart and her breakfast almost cost what mine did and she didn't really eat it. You would think I would learn my lesson, but not me. Nope.

Cindy had this.

Which was crepes w/strawberry's and country potatoes. It was all so good.

I didn't take a picture of Nicole's because she just had eggs and potatoes and toast. It looked good as well, but wasn't photographically worthy. We had a lot of fun and I got good produce and eggs and a good price. And some awesome hummus from the hummus lady. I've decided that she makes really good hummus. The other lady makes a great guacamole and the salsa and ceviche guy has the best salsa going. I also bought a pumpkin bread from the bakery guy. This little market is small, but I really enjoy the vendors. Then we walked up and down looking at some of the little shops.

Back to folding laundry.

Oh and yea, I'm pretty much done eating for the day. I think I've eaten my daily caloric intake with that brunch alone. *sigh* Why do I do that? Oh yea, because it's delicious.

I'll try to remember that when I'm trying to squeeze my fat ass into my jeans!!

Saturday, June 27, 2009

This weight loss blog I listen to

It's called Inside Out Weight Loss and she focuses on the mental and internal aspect of being able to not just lose the weight but keep it off. Because, let's be honest, I know how to lose weight. I just don't know how to keep it off.

Anyway, the last podcast she mentioned that we can have towards and away motivation. Away is negative motivation. I want to lose weight so I can fit into these pants. With away motivation, we tend to get to the goal and then we stall and falter. When the reality is that we may want and have bigger goals. Her point and I agree, is that away motivation isn't a bad thing, but shouldn't be the only kinds of motivation we have. So we should also have a toward (positive) motivation. To have more energy, to be healthier, etc. She gave the example of how to turn a negative goal into a positive statement. Instead of saying I don't want to binge eat, how about I want to eat three meals a day. Rather than I don't want pain in my neck, I want to be flexible and energetic.

She gives homework and the homework this week was for us to pick our dream for ourselves. It doesn't have to be realistic. So often we get told to keep our goals realistic so that we don't get overwhelmed and can actually visualize obtaining these goals. But this time, she says, pick your dream for your weight loss/fitness/health goal. So mine, is to feel free and comfortable naked. Also to be able to be in a bathing suit at the beach or pool with the kids and feel completely comfortable about the way I look. To be fit and muscular. Will I still have a bootie and a pooch in my belly. Yes, in my dream, I visualize myself a little with that, but I'm good with the way I look.

What's your dream for yourself?

I've decided to create a little routine for myself as well. Friday night and Saturday are going to be chore day. Friday night will just consist of laundry and vegging, but after my run on Saturday morning, it's chores time. Until 5pm, when I stop, regardless of what I have left to do and start on dinner. Then it's dinner and a movie night, or game night, or whatever the kids want to do. It's our special time together. I realize that if I ever have a date again on a Saturday night that I may have to alter our Family time, but really, there are a lot of other nights that I can go out on a date. These kids, this is the only time I'm going to get to enjoy them being the age that they are, so, I'm loathe to change my plans for anyone. They get to be the priority now. Anyway, I'm going to have a bowl of cereal w/strawberry's for breakfast and a piece of my broccoli crustless quiche. It came out so good. Yum.

I'm not really sure what I'll wind up having for lunch since it'll be smack in the dab middle of chore time but I'm sure I'll stop and have something that will involve using up what I have in the fridge. Dinner will involve me attempting once again to grill a piece of chicken without turning it into shoe leather. For the kids. My dinner will consist of fish and veggie packets on the grill.

Off I go to clean the bathrooms first. My most hated chore, so I tend to do it first to get it done and out of the way.

What's your most hated chore??

Friday, June 26, 2009


So it's Friday. And my eating is pretty much willy nilly. And so is my exercise. I've got to get my internal in order or any external changes I make won't stay. I've proven that much already. This isn't to say that I don't wake up every morning starting out thinking this is the day I get my shit together.

And I will.

I'm doing good. I feel great.

Something I read today resonates and will be something I always think about. Every time a man comes up to you, he wants something from you. It's up to me to let him know initially what the "cost" is. What my standards are. And I have them. Don't waste my time if you don't have any intention of trying to meet them.

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

These lyrics seem fitting.

And love is not the easy thing
The only baggage that you can bring...
And love is not the easy thing...
The only baggage you can bring
Is all that you can't leave behind

And if the darkness is to keep us apart
And if the daylight feels like it's a long way off
And if your glass heart should crack
And for a second you turn back
Oh no, be strong

Walk on, walk on
What you got they can't steal it
No they can't even feel it
Walk on, walk on...
Stay safe tonight

You're packing a suitcase for a place none of us has been
A place that has to be believed to be seen
You could have flown away
A singing bird in an open cage
Who will only fly, only fly for freedom

Walk on, walk on
What you've got they can't deny it
Can't sell it, or buy it
Walk on, walk on
Stay safe tonight

And I know it aches
And your heart it breaks
And you can only take so much
Walk on, walk on

Home... hard to know what it is if you've never had one
Home... I can't say where it is but I know I'm going home
That's where the hurt is

I know it aches
How your heart it breaks
And you can only take so much
Walk on, walk on

Leave it behind
You got to leave it behind
All that you fashion
All that you make
All that you build
All that you break
All that you measure
All that you feel
All this you can leave behind
All that you reason
All that you sense
All that you speak
All you dress-up
All that you scheme...

I like Rita

“you are at a place you’ve never been before”

This is what my therapist said to me today at the end of our session. And it’s true. I’m at a place and I’ve come to the realization that just because I have some things I’d like to accomplish doesn’t mean I’m terrible, or I’m worthless or any of that. I can accept myself at this place and time and looking this way and be happy with the person that I am. I can try to lose weight and still feel this way as well. The number on the scale doesn’t determine my happiness or who I am. It just shows you what I weigh.

Do I like that number? No. Does it make me depressed? Not anymore.

Does the relationship I have with my pseudo boyfriend determine whether I am worthy of love? Oh hell no. This is something else that I’ve really grown from. In the past, I would have gotten completely emotional and been very co-dependent. Not now. I’m deserving of a committed relationship. If he can’t give that to me, hell he can’t even be bothered to call anymore, whom I kidding, then I can, to quote Bono, walk on.

I’ve come to the realization that I’m not perfect, but I’ve spent so much time stressing about the number, or the guy or exercising etc. that I’ve forgotten to live the life that I was trying to lead. Thanks Christie. It’s time to get off the merry go round and fecking live life. All that time spent, when life is just too short, worrying about this number or that person, or how do I look here and what are they thinking. Who gives a shit. I won’t be that person. It’s hard to not wonder, will I go back. And yea, I probably will have down days, sad days. Everyone experiences those emotions. I’m not talking about being an emotionless zombie. I’m talking about acknowledging those emotions for what they are and NOT allowing them to take control of your life. I don’t let other people do that, so why would I let these emotions do that.

You may be wondering what did I eat today, since that IS supposed to be the subject matter at hand. It doesn’t matter. I did better today than I did yesterday. That’s my plan.

Seriously, I had oatmeal and a banana for breakfast. I had yogurt and fig newtons for lunch. Therapy session was at lunchtime and I didn’t plan very well. And I had shrimp, broccoli and potatoes for dinner. No pictures. Well, because that is just beyond boring. I am making a spinach pie for the week. Except I’m using broccoli and ricotta instead of the cottage cheese. So is it spinach pie? Or crust less broccoli quiche. Yea, I like the sounds of that.

Ladies and Gentlemen, to quote my good friend Mindy, “Happiness is a decision.” I choose to be happy, regardless of my situation.

You should try it.

Saturday, June 20, 2009

Father's Day Weekend

My parent's have been here all week as my Dad had some business in the Key's to take care of. So, my apt. is a disaster because whenever they are here, my mom expects me to be at my grandmother's house during the waking hours. Which, you know what, is just fine. I'm realizing the older I get, how blessed I am to have my parents alive and healthy and around. And honestly, I wish every day that I had spent more time with my sister and now it's too late. I want to be able to not have that regret.

I realize that this is supposed to be a food blog, but I didn't take pictures yesterday since my camera died. I am charging it today and hope to have some pictures today.

Breakfast today is starting out with pineapple because it's on the verge (several pieces tossed already) and coffee. Yea, not exactly balanced, I realize that but I'm not thinking too much about balanced today.

I've also made some decisions about certain things in my life and the relief that I felt once I made the difficult decision was rather surprising. I honestly am sad about it, but sometimes in order to move forward you have to close off some things that while initially may hurt, in the end are actually better for everyone involved. I could write several cliches now but I'll spare you the nausea. I really feel good about myself and know what I do and don't want and don't feel like I need to tolerate anything that causes me the slightest bit of anxiety. I deserve better. I demand better and I won't apologize for feeling that way.

In other random news, I'm decorating the boys room and have decided that I do like IKEA after all. If for nothing else than there wonderful ideas on how to maximize and decorate small spaces. I'm going to embrace my inner DIYer.

Thursday, June 18, 2009

How was humpday

I realized a couple of things yesterday in therapy. I'm really in a good place. I recognize the potential red flags and am doing the things I need to do to take care of me. I've become accepting of who I am right now. That doesn't mean I don't want to change my behaviors or my weight, but I am who I am. And if you can't deal with that then that is your problem not mine. I'm pretty much over being anxious about my relationship with people or food. My goal each day is to do better than yesterday. I also have specific things to accomplish this goal and they change from day to day. My plan is to build on baby steps and eventually those baby steps will become routine.

I ate on plan yesterday. My exercise goals are to do something every other day. If I do more, then great, but if not that's ok too. I'd like to have a more specific routine at some point but I'm trying to develop fitness habits that I stick to. When I was training for the half, I had no problem sticking to a workout routine, but that ended once I ran the half. So, I'm going to develop a routine that I can stick to regardless of what my other fitness goals, long or short term, become.

I've been counting calories because I've really had a hard time sticking to anything else. Even WW hasn't been particularly appealing and I figure as long as I know what my caloric intake is and the fact that I'm eating mostly filling foods (WW terminology) that I'm making baby steps towards getting that relatively under control as well.

My friend M and I have decided to try this fat plan that she has and that when she was doing properly worked. Well of course it did. It was basically filling foods and burning more than what you take in. But it's a different kind of plan and since it's something new appeals to me. Plus, we are going text or call whenever we feel like eating off plan. I have that with Christie too and I think that having another person available to me for accountability will help. I have a lot of friends who I know I can count on for support and I am really thankful for that.

My mom's here under next week so I've been getting home late everyday as I bring my dinner over there to eat with them. I'll probably do that again today. I did eat past satisfaction yesterday, however I'm not going to let Lois talk bad to me, like she started to before bed time. My therapist's goal for me is to banish Lois forever. I hadn't seen her in awhile, but she did show up last night. I did tell her to go to hell. Yes, I ate too much, but it wasn't chips. So, I'll think about why I ate so much and try to learn something from it. My take, there were really no veggies with that meal.

Time always flies in the morning. I'm out.

Today, I woke up early and rode the bike.

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Obstacles can be blessings, it's all in your perspective

I read this somewhere yesterday. Actually what the line was, "God puts blessings in your path, it's up to you to view them in a positive or negative way. I could definitely follow this line of thinking. I was talking to a good friend of mine yesterday re: the BF situation and she said (she's known me some 14 years) that this is the first time that she has seen me so mature and relaxed with a relationship regardless of whether there is some emotional turmoil. She told me she was proud of me and that maybe his lack of enthusiasm is a good thing for me since I seem to be dealing with it well and learning how to be in a relationship without going overboard.

And it seems that is how I felt once the initial jolt left. Of course, I am not going to make any decisions while in an emotional state and yea, I am probably ready for something serious, finally, and he isn't. But instead of viewing this in a negative light, I am going to look at it in a positive way. I am pretty content with the way things are truth be told. I would probably like to see him more, but when I say that, I mean, more than one weekend out of the month. And it isn't like he's super close so I can understand needing to spend some weekends at home. But, overall, I have things I want to work on within myself, tangible and intangible things. And I can't necessarily do that if I am in a full on see you all the time kind of relationship. Those kinds of relationships aren't conducive to independence and probably isn't really a good thing after all. Now, does that mean I don't think he is bordering on being a jackass. Oh yes, I do. But I'm trying to use that in a positive way. Ball's in my court really. So, for now I'm happy with the status quo. And in the meantime I have my WI friend to keep it real for me.

I had a great day yesterday. I ate OP all the way which I realized later may have been some kind of subliminal reaction to my mother being in town. Which, I'm not quite sure what to make of that so I won't even think about it right now.

had to have blood work done and I had to fast so as soon as I got out of the lab at some 10am I hit the closest Dunkin Donuts and had the egg white veggie flat wrap and a cup of coffee. While I liked the wrap and it's relatively low in calories, the 9 grams of fat seems a little high for me AND it really doesn't have much staying power. Nonetheless, it was good.

lunch I had a really good salad with tuna on top and TJ's sesame ginger fat free dressing. Seriously, this has got to be my most favorite salad dressing evah. I thank my friends in Boston so much for shipping this to me when I run out.

I then had a camera shy pear and tall skinny latte from Starbucks. My snack later was a yogurt (white chocolate raspberry) with a little Zeke thrown in. I prefer to flavor the plain ff stuff myself, but this particular flavor is a favorite of mine.

I stopped off at my apt on the way to my grandmother's house to pick up a tuna fillet and black bean salsa so that I could have an OP dinner. God only knew with my mom and dad there what they had decided to make for dinner. My dad likes to eat relatively healthy but he's a tall dude, so he can get away with not always having the best meals. I had the tuna topped with the black bean mango salsa that I picked up at the Farmer's market with Crystal. Wow, that stuff is really good. I may need to go back to get more this weekend. I also had about 1/2 cup of steamed brown rice and home grown tomatoes from my dad's garden in Tally. Talk about a really satisfying meal. It was so good.

I hung out with them for awhile and had a cup of coffee and went home to watch the season finale of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. Oh my, I never thought I'd be hooked on a show like that but I really, really like it. And since I didn't get up and run in the morning, I spent the whole show on the bike. By the time I got off my legs felt like rubber, but that was a good thing.

Time to head off to work. Therapy today at lunch time is on my agenda. I'm also packed for lunch today, so it should be a good OP day today as well.

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Tuesday Weigh In

I changed my weigh in day to Tuesday because of some conversations over on the WW board. I remember I got to Lifetime with a WI day of Tuesday and part of why it worked was because I was very conservative with my WPAs during the week since I had so far to go to the weekend and then I didn't want to totally blow it on the weekend because Tues was weigh in day and not that far away. I had it on Tuesday's earlier in the year and that stopped working for me. But truthfully, I'm the one that stopped it from working.

I have to go have blood drawn and they are testing my thyroid levels etc. I haven't had coffee yet and am not a happy camper. Well, I'm not, but for other reasons.

I feel like I know what has to be done but I don't have the balls to do it. Or maybe, I need to accept it the way it is and look at all the positives. I think that is probably a better way to do it. Of course, I need to then encourage those positives. Perhaps my therapist will have some better insight.

I still haven't gotten the eating under control, but even having said that I didn't gain. Wow. That is shocking.

I'm carrying around my camera with me today so hopefully I'll remember to take a picture of my food and since I've got it packed and ready to go, I should be ok on that end.

Saturday, June 13, 2009

well, that's an about face

I've had absolutely no appetite today.

I had about 1 cup of potatoes and an egg for breakfast, popcorn and a latte for lunch and a peanut butter sandwich for dinner.

Not exactly meeting all of the healthy guidelines am I. Well, I did have spinach with my potatoes.

And so many run through my mind right now. I went to see that movie UP. You know, the Disney 3D new one. Well, all I can say is I am glad that a lot of it went over my daughters head. This movie, an animated movie, has left me on the verge of tears and extremely upset all day long. I guess it's not so much the movie but the premise behind it. And the overwhelming sadness that the Carl feels when Ellie dies. To have someone love you that much, be your partner in all things, well, that is truly amazing. Now, don't get me wrong, my kids give me unconditional love, even the eldest. And that love they have for me, well, it's truly amazing. But I want someone to share my life with. My happy times, to be with me during the sad times, but I also want to be that someone that gives that happiness and comfort. I don't think it's too much to ask.

On one of those stupid FB quizzes one of the questions is, "Do you believe in love?" (Feel free to read that line ala Huey Lewis circa 1981). I answered yes, but as time goes by I wonder if it is true. Is love something that we believe exists because the entertainment industry (and literary world for that matter) tells us it does, or do they produce the works of art based on love that actually happens and is real? I'm starting to think that it's the former. Either that, or men and women are fundamentally different. I used to think it was me, and spent many years in therapy. Well, what I've come to realize is that therapy has helped me understand and deal with the experiences, usually negative, that I've had.

I used to believe that when you weren't looking for it, then it would appear. And it seemed to me that I had actually experienced that. I guess time is the only thing that will tell if that is the case.

And therein lies my problem. I have no patience. For pretty much anything.

Maybe I should just watch sad movies every day. If nothing else, they help control my appetite.

It's to care about Rita

And what Rita feels and wants.

I can't go into it until I figure out how to block this so that I can only allow certain people to see it. I don't really want to have certain people seeing what I write.

So, I had a great time yesterday at Nicole's 40th birthday party. I didn't stay too long because I had to go and see the love of my life. My daughter. I picked her up and we pretty much made it an early night. I didn't have anything to drink at the party but I did eat a red velvet cupcake that was homemade. That thing was totally worth the points to me. OMG, it was extremely rich and decadent. I had some rice and beans for dinner and that was it. I didn't snack at night. Probably because of the sinus headache that I was getting and the annoyance that was building up.

Went to bed annoyed and with a headache so I woke up this morning and went out for a run. It felt great, but the sun didn't help my headache, so I came home and popped some aleve and am hoping that helps since I have a lot on my plate today. I'm taking the cat to the groomer and Shyanne to the movies to see up. It's a girl's day for sure.

I also want to clean the apt and plan and cook for the week.

Did I mention I ran this morning :-)

Friday, June 12, 2009


Well, yesterday was weigh in. I lost .6 pounds. I take that with a grain of salt because I really didn't do anything other than consistently exercise to deserve that small loss. But, I'll take it.

And I got off to a great start. Had a great breakfast and lunch, and then someone brought in these bread things from Don Pan. And what did I do? I ate two of them. Ugh. WTF??? I didn't need it. Whatever, I restarted my week, probably part of the problem and I counted it. I am determined to stay OP until Thursday and weigh in. I want this. I do. I have to make myself feel more comfortable being OP than not.

I also started a new exercise in an attempt to stop the self deprecation and destruction that I constantly do to myself. I gave that inner voice a name. Her name is Lois and she's a bitch. Because she is mean to me. Then I wrote down every time she talked shit to me. Well, Lois, I get to tell you to shut the fuck up. And I did, a couple of times. The last step in the exercise is every time Lois says something critical or negative then Rita is supposed to say something positive. Yesterday's, yea, you guys will love this.

I had a date with my boyfriend. We haven't seen each other in two weeks due to his travel and my travel. So, I had been hoping to have lost some noticeable weight and hadn't. Of course, Lois starts telling me that the reason he wants to slow things down must be because of the 4 pounds I've gained since he and I have gotten together. Yes, that's all I've gained 4 pounds. For me, that is a lot of weight. To another person, I guarantee that they cannot notice it. And besides, I told Lois, he's seen me naked before. It isn't like he is going to look and me and say, oh wait, I didn't realize you were fat, no never mind. Um, like my friend told me, I don't think that's going to be an issue. Because he's seen me naked already, and oh yea, he actually cares me me, regardless of my fat roll.

Well, we did have a very nice evening. We went to my favorite sushi place, the hint hint on my FB status apparently worked. I counted the meal and didn't binge eat at night. Well, other than the stupid WW cookie I ate when I got home. At midnight. WTF??

Anyway, I've made a list of things to do rather than eat based on someone's post from the WW boards. I have actually gotten a lot of ideas from there to try and deal with the night time eating. Because I am very aware of not being hungry when I'm doing it.

And as I'm listening to the news while writing this here are a list of things I don't give a shit about:

Miss California getting fired
The Jonas Brothers in Central Park
Adam Lambert's sexual orientation

oh crap, look at the time. I've got to get going. Pictures later, maybe.

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Therapy yesterday

Well, I had a pretty fabulous session yesterday.

I've come to several realizations. First, just because I am sad about something doesn't mean I need to go down the path of self destruction It just means I'm sad. It doesn't mean I'm worthless or am a disaster. It just means I'm feeling sad at the moment. I can be sad or have something sad happen to me and still be a good person and be deserving of good things happening to me.

The other thing I realized s that I use food as a punishment to myself. In talking through I guess I've come to the conclusion that there must be something wrong with me, because why else would I have experienced the things I have. Going back to childhood even. I must not be worthy right, if I don't have a father and if my mother didn't want to be around the first 9 years of my life, right? So I'll just eat. Which I didn't use to do. I mean, I guess I've always struggled with weight, but this nighttime eating, yea, that's fairly recent. The last 4 years or so.

And basically, it's a big merry go round. Have you ever felt like that? And if so, HOW have you managed to get off of the merry go round.

She said I need to get to where I feel more comfortable being healthy than being punished. I am so used to beating myself up that it's comforting. Again, this begs the question, how do I get *there*

That's what I wrote on the WW board. I got some great comments and Marci really made me see something, my writings from the gym, my runs, etc. All of those things not only help me but they've inspired others. Thats one thing I didn't realize. And well, she's right, I do feel better about myself when I'm exercising. I've got to get to the point where going for a walk or exercising makes me feel better than eating.

I also talked about my mom and her weight problem and how it makes me feel. I love my mom dearly, and I don't know what to do to help her. But she's extremely obese and eats and eats vs my hiding my eating. It made me be very OP and gave me some will power because I didn't want to be like that. How did she let herself get like this? And I'm such an asshole for being disgusted but really, I am.

And no, I didn't talk to her about it. I did talk to my dad. He shares my concerns. She is extremely unhealthy.

My eating still sucks and so I have no pictures. Maybe today will be the day.

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Early Morning Coffee

I've never really been a morning person. But there are times, and it seems like it's becoming more of a daily thing, that I get up early and just sit and have coffee. A lot of the time I reflect on my life or recent events or just sit and look around my apartment and realize I'm pretty content with my life. I mean, there is a million and one things I would change if I could, seriously, who wouldn't. Although as I sit here and think about this, I choose to be happy because yea, this isn't how I envisioned 40.

I thought that I would have a decent size house, a handful of kids (have those) and a wonderful and loving marriage. I suppose if I look at that like I would a baseball batting average, I'm not doing so bad, batting .300 or so.

The things I didn't envision. I choose to look at them in a positive light, because doing anything other than that is just, well, it's negative, makes me sad and so what's the point in that. And I can't change a lot of the things, or force them. That never works, at least in my experience it hasn't. I'm unsatisfied with the state of my relationship, but I can't do anything about it other than walking away. I'm not ready to do that so I want to just give it, him, time. It could be a case of he's just not that into you. Time will tell that too.

What can I control. I'm trying to restate every negative thought in my head into a positive one because that just makes me feel better. I can control what I eat, how many glasses of water I drink and whether I exercise my planned exercise. These are the things I can control.

I'm also looking for a second job. This debt, these credit card bills that I can't pay are weighing heavily on me. I want to be able to pay them off and I can see no other way to accomplish that. So, hopefully I can get a part time job rather quickly. Doubtful in this economy as I'm sure I'm not the only one.

Sunday, June 7, 2009

Sunday night

Holy Crap, I'm tired.  From the long weekend, from the drive. from going nonstop for 4 days straight. And now I get to unpack and do laundry. Ah, home sweet home.  

I enjoy being around my family. And after seeing some things, I realize, meh, the grass isn't always greener.  I'm good with dating. Just dating.  Not serially, but monogamously, and not seriously.  God, I hope that makes sense.  It does to me. And I guess that is what matters.

Ok, the food. They made ribs for the dinner. And oh, yea, forgot to fucking tell me there was bacon bits in the salad. Uh, HELLO people, no meat includes bacon.  Anyway, there were a lot of good and fattening appetizers that I ate too much of. Not to mention cake.  But it was just Saturday and I did exercise every day. And I counted. So, I feel really good about this weekend.  And no, no food pictures. I have other kinds, but I haven't down loaded them yet.

You'll just have to settle for my witty repertoire (did I spell that right?) and sense of humor.  

I realized somewhere along the line, that I don't want to feel weak anymore.  Being sad and depressed makes me feel weak. I don't like that feeling. As I've said before, there aren't too many things I can control. Whether I exercise and what I eat I can control. So, therefore I will.

Thursday, June 4, 2009

Family Reunion

I leave today to go to Orlando. Our annual Teems Family Reunion is this Saturday in Daytona Beach. We'll stay at Debbie's (my sisters house) and just drive over for the day.

I'm excited because I get to see all of my family. Down here I have my grandparents, my Aunt, my uncle and aunt and their kids. But their kids are away at school and one of them is moving to Boston over the summer. So, it's a small portion of my family.  My eldest sister and I have become much closer since the death of our sister Kim. Kim, as I've mentioned was the bridge between us, and now we have just each other. I have a younger brother, but we aren't close at all.

Anyway, we are all leaving after the younger two get out of school, it's the last day. I refuse to let food be an issue. I had a gain this week and I will not have another gain next week. If anything, I'm determined to have a loss. So, I packed my work out clothes so I can get in some walks/runs with whoever wants to go with me and plan on making good food choices regardless.

Breakfast and lunch are going to be clean out the fridge meals.  I'll post pictures later. Breakfast is a fruit bowl of the last of the watermelon and cantaloupe and yogurt w/some oatmeal squares mixed in. I weighed out the cereal. wow, does using a scale make a HUGE difference. 

Lunch is whatever concoction I throw together from there as well. Probably leftover chili and quinoa w/ some veggies tossed in.

My snack will be a latte on the road. And who knows what dinner will hold. I'm playing it by ear because DBF is up there for business and we discussed getting together. Although, that meant me going to see him vs. him coming to my sisters house. Where all of my family is. Which he didn't sound thrilled about. I guess I can't blame him.

Food pictures to come. Shit, look at the time, I gotta go get dressed!

A funny thing happened on the way to the scale.

I gained 2.6 pounds.  And I know I said in my last post that I was starting anew again. Hah!! That didn't even last through the post. I obviously didn't start a new. Is that one word or two?  I mean, it comes up correct through spell/grammar check as ok both ways so who's to say?  Anyway, I digress, I obviously didn't start a new with eating as I'm up 2.6. 

But, my mind is in a much better place than I have been, gosh, I want to say forever. Seriously, I'm at peace with myself and who I am.  I need to lose 15 pounds. I'd like to lose 20 and I'd like to really lose 25 but you know what, I'm going to be realistic and if 15 is a comfortable weight for me and is a healthy weight, than do I really need to stress about those other 10. I mean, if I'm ok with it then who cares what other people are doing or weighing.  I can't really think about those any way as I should probably lose the first 15 before I do. You know?  I've let that number strangle me and determine that I can't do this. I can only do 15, not the whole 25 so why bother at all.  That's the all or nothing thinking again.  I must not do that. I haven't this past week and it's definitely contributed to my peace of mind. I'm convinced.  

Another thing is my decision to not stress about my relationship.  I know that part of my ability to let go of trying to control it is to put up an emotional barrier. I'm working on that.  But honestly, that has allowed me to be completely nonchalant about the whole thing. And I mean that in a good way. Even though we haven't said the words, I can honestly say that I've developed deep feelings for this man.  I won't say it before he does, I just can't, but I suppose I have felt it before he does, but I'm not acting out, emotionally or impulsively because while that initial feeling is great, it's only great if it's mutual. If it isn't then it's neurotic and not a good feeling at all. For either one of the people in the relationship.

I had a couple of people ask me what was wrong, that I'm so calm and mellow and that they like the exuberant Rita and my response was, after some thought, there is absolutely nothing wrong. I'm in a pretty good place. The exuberance that others enjoy is almost always followed by a low that they don't see. But that I experience and I don't want to go through those drastic high's and low's.  It isn't healthy, at least not for me. So, I'm still fun, I'm just not manic about it. Which, for me, is huge.

In other somewhat related news, I've decided that I'm going to go off the pill. I don't like the effects of it, other than the reduced monthly flow.  I want to see if that helps with the weight loss. Although, I just had a thought, what if the serenity I feel now is because of the hormones of the pill. Will I lose that? Who knows.

I know this is a food blog and I'm sure you're wondering where the food pictures are. Well, there hasn't been anything worth photographing, unless the box of crackers is blog worthy. They aren't so I haven't bothered.  I'm not freaking out about the gain.  This is huge for me, as in the past I would immediately not eat for the rest of the day and probably take laxatives.  I won't do this anymore.  I know what I ate, I wrote most of it down. And I also know what I didn't write down, so, I happily take my gain because I'm going to look at the positive and think, I'm going to have a tremendous loss next week.

And so it goes.