How was humpday

I realized a couple of things yesterday in therapy. I'm really in a good place. I recognize the potential red flags and am doing the things I need to do to take care of me. I've become accepting of who I am right now. That doesn't mean I don't want to change my behaviors or my weight, but I am who I am. And if you can't deal with that then that is your problem not mine. I'm pretty much over being anxious about my relationship with people or food. My goal each day is to do better than yesterday. I also have specific things to accomplish this goal and they change from day to day. My plan is to build on baby steps and eventually those baby steps will become routine.

I ate on plan yesterday. My exercise goals are to do something every other day. If I do more, then great, but if not that's ok too. I'd like to have a more specific routine at some point but I'm trying to develop fitness habits that I stick to. When I was training for the half, I had no problem sticking to a workout routine, but that ended once I ran the half. So, I'm going to develop a routine that I can stick to regardless of what my other fitness goals, long or short term, become.

I've been counting calories because I've really had a hard time sticking to anything else. Even WW hasn't been particularly appealing and I figure as long as I know what my caloric intake is and the fact that I'm eating mostly filling foods (WW terminology) that I'm making baby steps towards getting that relatively under control as well.

My friend M and I have decided to try this fat plan that she has and that when she was doing properly worked. Well of course it did. It was basically filling foods and burning more than what you take in. But it's a different kind of plan and since it's something new appeals to me. Plus, we are going text or call whenever we feel like eating off plan. I have that with Christie too and I think that having another person available to me for accountability will help. I have a lot of friends who I know I can count on for support and I am really thankful for that.

My mom's here under next week so I've been getting home late everyday as I bring my dinner over there to eat with them. I'll probably do that again today. I did eat past satisfaction yesterday, however I'm not going to let Lois talk bad to me, like she started to before bed time. My therapist's goal for me is to banish Lois forever. I hadn't seen her in awhile, but she did show up last night. I did tell her to go to hell. Yes, I ate too much, but it wasn't chips. So, I'll think about why I ate so much and try to learn something from it. My take, there were really no veggies with that meal.

Time always flies in the morning. I'm out.

Today, I woke up early and rode the bike.

Therapy yesterday

Well, I had a pretty fabulous session yesterday.

I've come to several realizations. First, just because I am sad about something doesn't mean I need to go down the path of self destruction It just means I'm sad. It doesn't mean I'm worthless or am a disaster. It just means I'm feeling sad at the moment. I can be sad or have something sad happen to me and still be a good person and be deserving of good things happening to me.

The other thing I realized s that I use food as a punishment to myself. In talking through I guess I've come to the conclusion that there must be something wrong with me, because why else would I have experienced the things I have. Going back to childhood even. I must not be worthy right, if I don't have a father and if my mother didn't want to be around the first 9 years of my life, right? So I'll just eat. Which I didn't use to do. I mean, I guess I've always struggled with weight, but this nighttime eating, yea, that's fairly recent. The last 4 years or so.

And basically, it's a big merry go round. Have you ever felt like that? And if so, HOW have you managed to get off of the merry go round.

She said I need to get to where I feel more comfortable being healthy than being punished. I am so used to beating myself up that it's comforting. Again, this begs the question, how do I get *there*

That's what I wrote on the WW board. I got some great comments and Marci really made me see something, my writings from the gym, my runs, etc. All of those things not only help me but they've inspired others. Thats one thing I didn't realize. And well, she's right, I do feel better about myself when I'm exercising. I've got to get to the point where going for a walk or exercising makes me feel better than eating.

I also talked about my mom and her weight problem and how it makes me feel. I love my mom dearly, and I don't know what to do to help her. But she's extremely obese and eats and eats vs my hiding my eating. It made me be very OP and gave me some will power because I didn't want to be like that. How did she let herself get like this? And I'm such an asshole for being disgusted but really, I am.

And no, I didn't talk to her about it. I did talk to my dad. He shares my concerns. She is extremely unhealthy.

My eating still sucks and so I have no pictures. Maybe today will be the day.

How Do You Find the Time?

'm not sure how the people I know that do daily blogs find the time to do the daily blog. I have pictures of all the food I've eaten since Sunday. And you know, I find that taking a picture really helps me to stay accountable to eat what I've said I'm going to eat. Well, except for the baked chips I had last night.  They were in lieu of the dinner I prepared because I had it all made but just didn't feel like eating it, so an hour and a half later, I was hungry. And I had about two portions of those chips.  

I'm running late for work now, but will find time to upload pics later. Dinner on Sunday Mother's Day was a macadamia encrusted tilapia and was really good.

I also had a smidge of mashed potatoes and a smidge of broccoli casserole along with a roll.

I don't have access to this site at work so I won't be able to write again until I get home from work. I am going to ride the bike for an hour after work today and do some weights, upper body and abs.  

Therapy session yesterday as well.  I'm feeling better about myself and things, but I'm not sure if that's because of therapy, this blog, or the exercise. Or maybe a little of both. Either way I suppose the important thing is that I am feeling better. Now if I can just have some consistency with that.  I've felt better and had exercise as a routine for 6 months before and easily lost it. So apparently that whole 21 days to a habit thing doesn't really work so well for me. Or maybe, I stopped exercising for 21 days and changed my habit.

In other unrelated eating news, exciting changes at work keep me really busy throughout the day. And challenged.  AND, I'm planning a summer vacation with the boyfriend.  That is something else that is fabulous and scary at the same time.  Those of you who know my relationship whoas can understand.

Ok, I've really got to go finish getting ready for work and wake the kids.  I'm always running late, why is that??