About Me

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About me, always hard to put into words a description about myself. We always see ourselves differently than others do. My likes: I love sports, all kinds. Especially NASCAR and baseball. Yea, strange I know, a bleeding heart liberal who likes NASCAR and country music. But here I am. I also am profoundly proud of the relationship that I have with my children and my family. They made me who I am today. Pink is my favorite color. I like all kinds of music, except perhaps rap. I am a rabid NPR listener and love my doggie. I work full time, am a semi-vegetarian, a voracious reader and a wanna be writer. Doing all that I do in the beautiful South Florida sunshine.

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

About to get really personal

My blog that is. I need the accountability that writing about my horrible eating habits will give me. I know I've come a long way, and I feel a lot better about myself. I'm not purging anymore which is a good thing. The bad thing is I'm still bingeing. BUT, I don't feel like it's true bingeing. Shit, who am I kidding. It is. Totally. Thus the weight gain.

But perhaps if I write about it honestly, I'll be less likely to do it. If I know I'm going to chronicle every detail, I'll stop and think about what I'm doing before I do it. It's human nature, isn't it?
In my session yesterday with Dr. K we did come to some conclusions and realizations about my night time eating. First, there is no structure once I leave work and walk into Nanny's house. It's a basic free for all. So, I definitely need to add some structure to that so that I can try and avoid that. Second, and this is so Freudian and cliche I'm embarrassed to write it, but apparently it does come down to childhood and your parents. At least in my case this is what it seems to be.

I've had to hide my eating from my parents in my childhood because I would get in trouble. They would actually yell at me for eating after dinner. I'm sure they had legitimate reasons, but what I got out of it was, you are a fatty and should not be eating. So I would have to do it in my room in hiding. Well, now, it's almost as if I'm doing it because I can. I'm the adult and can do what I want regardless of what other people's thoughts are. I know I have had this thought run through my mind with other things in my life, so it makes total sense that I would have it when it comes to this issue as well.

The other thing that had me thinking was that I'm no spring chicken. Keep staying overweight or losing and gaining the same 15 pounds and I'm going to eventually, and sooner rather than later, start having health issues. Well, that should be a more pressing reason for motivation to get my ass in gear. But you know what motivates me more. Not having a damn thing to wear. This is my motivation. Good or bad.

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