About Me

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About me, always hard to put into words a description about myself. We always see ourselves differently than others do. My likes: I love sports, all kinds. Especially NASCAR and baseball. Yea, strange I know, a bleeding heart liberal who likes NASCAR and country music. But here I am. I also am profoundly proud of the relationship that I have with my children and my family. They made me who I am today. Pink is my favorite color. I like all kinds of music, except perhaps rap. I am a rabid NPR listener and love my doggie. I work full time, am a semi-vegetarian, a voracious reader and a wanna be writer. Doing all that I do in the beautiful South Florida sunshine.

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Therapy yesterday

Well, I had a pretty fabulous session yesterday.

I've come to several realizations. First, just because I am sad about something doesn't mean I need to go down the path of self destruction It just means I'm sad. It doesn't mean I'm worthless or am a disaster. It just means I'm feeling sad at the moment. I can be sad or have something sad happen to me and still be a good person and be deserving of good things happening to me.

The other thing I realized s that I use food as a punishment to myself. In talking through I guess I've come to the conclusion that there must be something wrong with me, because why else would I have experienced the things I have. Going back to childhood even. I must not be worthy right, if I don't have a father and if my mother didn't want to be around the first 9 years of my life, right? So I'll just eat. Which I didn't use to do. I mean, I guess I've always struggled with weight, but this nighttime eating, yea, that's fairly recent. The last 4 years or so.

And basically, it's a big merry go round. Have you ever felt like that? And if so, HOW have you managed to get off of the merry go round.

She said I need to get to where I feel more comfortable being healthy than being punished. I am so used to beating myself up that it's comforting. Again, this begs the question, how do I get *there*

That's what I wrote on the WW board. I got some great comments and Marci really made me see something, my writings from the gym, my runs, etc. All of those things not only help me but they've inspired others. Thats one thing I didn't realize. And well, she's right, I do feel better about myself when I'm exercising. I've got to get to the point where going for a walk or exercising makes me feel better than eating.

I also talked about my mom and her weight problem and how it makes me feel. I love my mom dearly, and I don't know what to do to help her. But she's extremely obese and eats and eats vs my hiding my eating. It made me be very OP and gave me some will power because I didn't want to be like that. How did she let herself get like this? And I'm such an asshole for being disgusted but really, I am.

And no, I didn't talk to her about it. I did talk to my dad. He shares my concerns. She is extremely unhealthy.

My eating still sucks and so I have no pictures. Maybe today will be the day.

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