“you are at a place you’ve never been before”
This is what my therapist said to me today at the end of our session. And it’s true. I’m at a place and I’ve come to the realization that just because I have some things I’d like to accomplish doesn’t mean I’m terrible, or I’m worthless or any of that. I can accept myself at this place and time and looking this way and be happy with the person that I am. I can try to lose weight and still feel this way as well. The number on the scale doesn’t determine my happiness or who I am. It just shows you what I weigh.
Do I like that number? No. Does it make me depressed? Not anymore.
Does the relationship I have with my pseudo boyfriend determine whether I am worthy of love? Oh hell no. This is something else that I’ve really grown from. In the past, I would have gotten completely emotional and been very co-dependent. Not now. I’m deserving of a committed relationship. If he can’t give that to me, hell he can’t even be bothered to call anymore, whom I kidding, then I can, to quote Bono, walk on.
I’ve come to the realization that I’m not perfect, but I’ve spent so much time stressing about the number, or the guy or exercising etc. that I’ve forgotten to live the life that I was trying to lead. Thanks Christie. It’s time to get off the merry go round and fecking live life. All that time spent, when life is just too short, worrying about this number or that person, or how do I look here and what are they thinking. Who gives a shit. I won’t be that person. It’s hard to not wonder, will I go back. And yea, I probably will have down days, sad days. Everyone experiences those emotions. I’m not talking about being an emotionless zombie. I’m talking about acknowledging those emotions for what they are and NOT allowing them to take control of your life. I don’t let other people do that, so why would I let these emotions do that.
You may be wondering what did I eat today, since that IS supposed to be the subject matter at hand. It doesn’t matter. I did better today than I did yesterday. That’s my plan.
Seriously, I had oatmeal and a banana for breakfast. I had yogurt and fig newtons for lunch. Therapy session was at lunchtime and I didn’t plan very well. And I had shrimp, broccoli and potatoes for dinner. No pictures. Well, because that is just beyond boring. I am making a spinach pie for the week. Except I’m using broccoli and ricotta instead of the cottage cheese. So is it spinach pie? Or crust less broccoli quiche. Yea, I like the sounds of that.
Ladies and Gentlemen, to quote my good friend Mindy, “Happiness is a decision.” I choose to be happy, regardless of my situation.
You should try it.