But, my mind is in a much better place than I have been, gosh, I want to say forever. Seriously, I'm at peace with myself and who I am. I need to lose 15 pounds. I'd like to lose 20 and I'd like to really lose 25 but you know what, I'm going to be realistic and if 15 is a comfortable weight for me and is a healthy weight, than do I really need to stress about those other 10. I mean, if I'm ok with it then who cares what other people are doing or weighing. I can't really think about those any way as I should probably lose the first 15 before I do. You know? I've let that number strangle me and determine that I can't do this. I can only do 15, not the whole 25 so why bother at all. That's the all or nothing thinking again. I must not do that. I haven't this past week and it's definitely contributed to my peace of mind. I'm convinced.
Another thing is my decision to not stress about my relationship. I know that part of my ability to let go of trying to control it is to put up an emotional barrier. I'm working on that. But honestly, that has allowed me to be completely nonchalant about the whole thing. And I mean that in a good way. Even though we haven't said the words, I can honestly say that I've developed deep feelings for this man. I won't say it before he does, I just can't, but I suppose I have felt it before he does, but I'm not acting out, emotionally or impulsively because while that initial feeling is great, it's only great if it's mutual. If it isn't then it's neurotic and not a good feeling at all. For either one of the people in the relationship.
I had a couple of people ask me what was wrong, that I'm so calm and mellow and that they like the exuberant Rita and my response was, after some thought, there is absolutely nothing wrong. I'm in a pretty good place. The exuberance that others enjoy is almost always followed by a low that they don't see. But that I experience and I don't want to go through those drastic high's and low's. It isn't healthy, at least not for me. So, I'm still fun, I'm just not manic about it. Which, for me, is huge.
In other somewhat related news, I've decided that I'm going to go off the pill. I don't like the effects of it, other than the reduced monthly flow. I want to see if that helps with the weight loss. Although, I just had a thought, what if the serenity I feel now is because of the hormones of the pill. Will I lose that? Who knows.
I know this is a food blog and I'm sure you're wondering where the food pictures are. Well, there hasn't been anything worth photographing, unless the box of crackers is blog worthy. They aren't so I haven't bothered. I'm not freaking out about the gain. This is huge for me, as in the past I would immediately not eat for the rest of the day and probably take laxatives. I won't do this anymore. I know what I ate, I wrote most of it down. And I also know what I didn't write down, so, I happily take my gain because I'm going to look at the positive and think, I'm going to have a tremendous loss next week.
And so it goes.