It's to care about Rita

And what Rita feels and wants.

I can't go into it until I figure out how to block this so that I can only allow certain people to see it. I don't really want to have certain people seeing what I write.

So, I had a great time yesterday at Nicole's 40th birthday party. I didn't stay too long because I had to go and see the love of my life. My daughter. I picked her up and we pretty much made it an early night. I didn't have anything to drink at the party but I did eat a red velvet cupcake that was homemade. That thing was totally worth the points to me. OMG, it was extremely rich and decadent. I had some rice and beans for dinner and that was it. I didn't snack at night. Probably because of the sinus headache that I was getting and the annoyance that was building up.

Went to bed annoyed and with a headache so I woke up this morning and went out for a run. It felt great, but the sun didn't help my headache, so I came home and popped some aleve and am hoping that helps since I have a lot on my plate today. I'm taking the cat to the groomer and Shyanne to the movies to see up. It's a girl's day for sure.

I also want to clean the apt and plan and cook for the week.

Did I mention I ran this morning :-)

TGIF!!

Well, yesterday was weigh in. I lost .6 pounds. I take that with a grain of salt because I really didn't do anything other than consistently exercise to deserve that small loss. But, I'll take it.

And I got off to a great start. Had a great breakfast and lunch, and then someone brought in these bread things from Don Pan. And what did I do? I ate two of them. Ugh. WTF??? I didn't need it. Whatever, I restarted my week, probably part of the problem and I counted it. I am determined to stay OP until Thursday and weigh in. I want this. I do. I have to make myself feel more comfortable being OP than not.

I also started a new exercise in an attempt to stop the self deprecation and destruction that I constantly do to myself. I gave that inner voice a name. Her name is Lois and she's a bitch. Because she is mean to me. Then I wrote down every time she talked shit to me. Well, Lois, I get to tell you to shut the fuck up. And I did, a couple of times. The last step in the exercise is every time Lois says something critical or negative then Rita is supposed to say something positive. Yesterday's, yea, you guys will love this.

I had a date with my boyfriend. We haven't seen each other in two weeks due to his travel and my travel. So, I had been hoping to have lost some noticeable weight and hadn't. Of course, Lois starts telling me that the reason he wants to slow things down must be because of the 4 pounds I've gained since he and I have gotten together. Yes, that's all I've gained 4 pounds. For me, that is a lot of weight. To another person, I guarantee that they cannot notice it. And besides, I told Lois, he's seen me naked before. It isn't like he is going to look and me and say, oh wait, I didn't realize you were fat, no never mind. Um, like my friend told me, I don't think that's going to be an issue. Because he's seen me naked already, and oh yea, he actually cares me me, regardless of my fat roll.

Well, we did have a very nice evening. We went to my favorite sushi place, the hint hint on my FB status apparently worked. I counted the meal and didn't binge eat at night. Well, other than the stupid WW cookie I ate when I got home. At midnight. WTF??

Anyway, I've made a list of things to do rather than eat based on someone's post from the WW boards. I have actually gotten a lot of ideas from there to try and deal with the night time eating. Because I am very aware of not being hungry when I'm doing it.

And as I'm listening to the news while writing this here are a list of things I don't give a shit about:

Miss California getting fired

The Jonas Brothers in Central Park

Adam Lambert's sexual orientation

oh crap, look at the time. I've got to get going. Pictures later, maybe.

Therapy yesterday

Well, I had a pretty fabulous session yesterday.

I've come to several realizations. First, just because I am sad about something doesn't mean I need to go down the path of self destruction It just means I'm sad. It doesn't mean I'm worthless or am a disaster. It just means I'm feeling sad at the moment. I can be sad or have something sad happen to me and still be a good person and be deserving of good things happening to me.

The other thing I realized s that I use food as a punishment to myself. In talking through I guess I've come to the conclusion that there must be something wrong with me, because why else would I have experienced the things I have. Going back to childhood even. I must not be worthy right, if I don't have a father and if my mother didn't want to be around the first 9 years of my life, right? So I'll just eat. Which I didn't use to do. I mean, I guess I've always struggled with weight, but this nighttime eating, yea, that's fairly recent. The last 4 years or so.

And basically, it's a big merry go round. Have you ever felt like that? And if so, HOW have you managed to get off of the merry go round.

She said I need to get to where I feel more comfortable being healthy than being punished. I am so used to beating myself up that it's comforting. Again, this begs the question, how do I get *there*

That's what I wrote on the WW board. I got some great comments and Marci really made me see something, my writings from the gym, my runs, etc. All of those things not only help me but they've inspired others. Thats one thing I didn't realize. And well, she's right, I do feel better about myself when I'm exercising. I've got to get to the point where going for a walk or exercising makes me feel better than eating.

I also talked about my mom and her weight problem and how it makes me feel. I love my mom dearly, and I don't know what to do to help her. But she's extremely obese and eats and eats vs my hiding my eating. It made me be very OP and gave me some will power because I didn't want to be like that. How did she let herself get like this? And I'm such an asshole for being disgusted but really, I am.

And no, I didn't talk to her about it. I did talk to my dad. He shares my concerns. She is extremely unhealthy.

My eating still sucks and so I have no pictures. Maybe today will be the day.

Early Morning Coffee

I've never really been a morning person. But there are times, and it seems like it's becoming more of a daily thing, that I get up early and just sit and have coffee. A lot of the time I reflect on my life or recent events or just sit and look around my apartment and realize I'm pretty content with my life. I mean, there is a million and one things I would change if I could, seriously, who wouldn't. Although as I sit here and think about this, I choose to be happy because yea, this isn't how I envisioned 40.

I thought that I would have a decent size house, a handful of kids (have those) and a wonderful and loving marriage. I suppose if I look at that like I would a baseball batting average, I'm not doing so bad, batting .300 or so.

The things I didn't envision. I choose to look at them in a positive light, because doing anything other than that is just, well, it's negative, makes me sad and so what's the point in that. And I can't change a lot of the things, or force them. That never works, at least in my experience it hasn't. I'm unsatisfied with the state of my relationship, but I can't do anything about it other than walking away. I'm not ready to do that so I want to just give it, him, time. It could be a case of he's just not that into you. Time will tell that too.

What can I control. I'm trying to restate every negative thought in my head into a positive one because that just makes me feel better. I can control what I eat, how many glasses of water I drink and whether I exercise my planned exercise. These are the things I can control.

I'm also looking for a second job. This debt, these credit card bills that I can't pay are weighing heavily on me. I want to be able to pay them off and I can see no other way to accomplish that. So, hopefully I can get a part time job rather quickly. Doubtful in this economy as I'm sure I'm not the only one.

Sunday night

Holy Crap, I'm tired.  From the long weekend, from the drive. from going nonstop for 4 days straight. And now I get to unpack and do laundry. Ah, home sweet home.  

I enjoy being around my family. And after seeing some things, I realize, meh, the grass isn't always greener.  I'm good with dating. Just dating.  Not serially, but monogamously, and not seriously.  God, I hope that makes sense.  It does to me. And I guess that is what matters.

Ok, the food. They made ribs for the dinner. And oh, yea, forgot to fucking tell me there was bacon bits in the salad. Uh, HELLO people, no meat includes bacon.  Anyway, there were a lot of good and fattening appetizers that I ate too much of. Not to mention cake.  But it was just Saturday and I did exercise every day. And I counted. So, I feel really good about this weekend.  And no, no food pictures. I have other kinds, but I haven't down loaded them yet.

You'll just have to settle for my witty repertoire (did I spell that right?) and sense of humor.  

I realized somewhere along the line, that I don't want to feel weak anymore.  Being sad and depressed makes me feel weak. I don't like that feeling. As I've said before, there aren't too many things I can control. Whether I exercise and what I eat I can control. So, therefore I will.

Family Reunion

I leave today to go to Orlando. Our annual Teems Family Reunion is this Saturday in Daytona Beach. We'll stay at Debbie's (my sisters house) and just drive over for the day.

I'm excited because I get to see all of my family. Down here I have my grandparents, my Aunt, my uncle and aunt and their kids. But their kids are away at school and one of them is moving to Boston over the summer. So, it's a small portion of my family.  My eldest sister and I have become much closer since the death of our sister Kim. Kim, as I've mentioned was the bridge between us, and now we have just each other. I have a younger brother, but we aren't close at all.

Anyway, we are all leaving after the younger two get out of school, it's the last day. I refuse to let food be an issue. I had a gain this week and I will not have another gain next week. If anything, I'm determined to have a loss. So, I packed my work out clothes so I can get in some walks/runs with whoever wants to go with me and plan on making good food choices regardless.

Breakfast and lunch are going to be clean out the fridge meals.  I'll post pictures later. Breakfast is a fruit bowl of the last of the watermelon and cantaloupe and yogurt w/some oatmeal squares mixed in. I weighed out the cereal. wow, does using a scale make a HUGE difference. 

Lunch is whatever concoction I throw together from there as well. Probably leftover chili and quinoa w/ some veggies tossed in.

My snack will be a latte on the road. And who knows what dinner will hold. I'm playing it by ear because DBF is up there for business and we discussed getting together. Although, that meant me going to see him vs. him coming to my sisters house. Where all of my family is. Which he didn't sound thrilled about. I guess I can't blame him.

Food pictures to come. Shit, look at the time, I gotta go get dressed!

A funny thing happened on the way to the scale.

I gained 2.6 pounds.  And I know I said in my last post that I was starting anew again. Hah!! That didn't even last through the post. I obviously didn't start a new. Is that one word or two?  I mean, it comes up correct through spell/grammar check as ok both ways so who's to say?  Anyway, I digress, I obviously didn't start a new with eating as I'm up 2.6. 

But, my mind is in a much better place than I have been, gosh, I want to say forever. Seriously, I'm at peace with myself and who I am.  I need to lose 15 pounds. I'd like to lose 20 and I'd like to really lose 25 but you know what, I'm going to be realistic and if 15 is a comfortable weight for me and is a healthy weight, than do I really need to stress about those other 10. I mean, if I'm ok with it then who cares what other people are doing or weighing.  I can't really think about those any way as I should probably lose the first 15 before I do. You know?  I've let that number strangle me and determine that I can't do this. I can only do 15, not the whole 25 so why bother at all.  That's the all or nothing thinking again.  I must not do that. I haven't this past week and it's definitely contributed to my peace of mind. I'm convinced.  

Another thing is my decision to not stress about my relationship.  I know that part of my ability to let go of trying to control it is to put up an emotional barrier. I'm working on that.  But honestly, that has allowed me to be completely nonchalant about the whole thing. And I mean that in a good way. Even though we haven't said the words, I can honestly say that I've developed deep feelings for this man.  I won't say it before he does, I just can't, but I suppose I have felt it before he does, but I'm not acting out, emotionally or impulsively because while that initial feeling is great, it's only great if it's mutual. If it isn't then it's neurotic and not a good feeling at all. For either one of the people in the relationship.

I had a couple of people ask me what was wrong, that I'm so calm and mellow and that they like the exuberant Rita and my response was, after some thought, there is absolutely nothing wrong. I'm in a pretty good place. The exuberance that others enjoy is almost always followed by a low that they don't see. But that I experience and I don't want to go through those drastic high's and low's.  It isn't healthy, at least not for me. So, I'm still fun, I'm just not manic about it. Which, for me, is huge.

In other somewhat related news, I've decided that I'm going to go off the pill. I don't like the effects of it, other than the reduced monthly flow.  I want to see if that helps with the weight loss. Although, I just had a thought, what if the serenity I feel now is because of the hormones of the pill. Will I lose that? Who knows.

I know this is a food blog and I'm sure you're wondering where the food pictures are. Well, there hasn't been anything worth photographing, unless the box of crackers is blog worthy. They aren't so I haven't bothered.  I'm not freaking out about the gain.  This is huge for me, as in the past I would immediately not eat for the rest of the day and probably take laxatives.  I won't do this anymore.  I know what I ate, I wrote most of it down. And I also know what I didn't write down, so, I happily take my gain because I'm going to look at the positive and think, I'm going to have a tremendous loss next week.

And so it goes.