Procrastination

I'm the world's biggest procrastinator. Especially when it comes to things I just don't want to do. I roll it around in my mind and make it much bigger than what it is. Take for example cleaning the cat box. If I just DO IT it literally take 5-6 minutes. I know because I timed it. But I think about doing it for days and days. wasting a lot of mental energy, much more so than necessary. Same thing with emptying the dishwasher and putting the dishes away. Literally took 5 minutes, but I debated doing it for much longer than that.

I've read the Fly Lady website and love her idea of 15 min. Set a timer and do anything for 15 min. Using this and NOT procrastinating I was able to complete the Saturday chores by 9am.

Quite a random topic for a blog that's supposed to be about my struggles with weight. But, it does have relevance. Because I procrastinate losing weight for reasons mentioned in previous blogs. Just do it and I'd be done. With the losing part anyway. I realize that this is a lifelong journey and changing my habits is a more about changing my lifestyle than it is about the number on the scale. But either way, I'm procrastinating. When I pitter around and waste more time thinking about it and reading about it. I hate to quote Nike, but I think they got it right when they said, Just Do It.

In other random news, my word of the day is ineffectual.

Sunday Restful Sunday

Positive Intent

Even negative behavior has a positive intent behind it. So if the two forces within ourselves, the “I’m going to exercise and be fit and healthy and thin” persona and the “but this food is a comfort and I deserve a break” are at constant odds, find out what the positive intent is behind the persona that is keeping me fat. That has me under exercise and not eat properly. What is that positive intent? What could I be benefiting from, even if I don’t realize it.

For me, at least this is what I came up with was that its keeping me a better mom. I have absolutely no desire to go out and do anything adult related when I’m at this weight. And eating and staying home are ways to ensure that I spend time with my children. I see how my 17 year old was and is so resentful of the time I was doing single stuff when he was 12-14 and I don’t want the same issues with my middle child. Maybe I’m afraid that if I lose this weight and get thin again the call to go out and have fun will be too much to resist and I’ll just repeat the same pattern with my middle child. So maybe in a subconscious way I’m self sabotaging so I can be a better mother.

I’ll have to figure out a way to substitute this behavior. So maybe I’ll include him on my exercise jaunts, since he needs to lose weight as well. I’ll also institute Jon and me time so that he can get one on one with me.

I’ve managed to finish all of my chores, except the daily load of laundry. So, I’ll have this entire Sunday to rest and relax. I’ve got an almost empty checking account since payday isn’t until Wednesday, so it’ll be a low spend kind of Sunday. I’ll spend some time with the kids, go to the pool or play a little tennis later. I’ve also got some meals to prepare for the upcoming week. Shrimp and feta is on the menu as is a grilled corn and tomato salad. I made vegetable soup yesterday and have wheatberries on hand to toss into my oatmeal, yogurt and soup. I’ve also GOT to make smoothies, I have SO much frozen food in the freezer.

I got up and walked 60 min today. Which is really nothing, but it’s what I felt like doing. So, I did it. While listening to a podcast, Fat2FitRadio, one of the things that they mentioned when it comes to self sabotage was that it was because we felt that we didn’t deserve to be thin. Since Lois is the Queen of beating me up, I imagine that I’ve got some of that going on internally as well.

Lots to think about. I’m off to have coffee., and I’m not yet hungry for breakfast.

Chore Day Saturday

I got up and ran, well walked/ran today and it felt good to do. I also kind of forced myself to eat breakfast because by 930a I still wasn’t hungry but I didn’t want to let this throw my “schedule” off AND I know that you are supposed to eat breakfast.

I had cereal that I’m trying to finish up because I’m not just trying to eat healthy and normally, but I’m also trying to do it on a budget. Breakfast is going to be the box of cereal that I have until it’s finished. I only had a half of a gallon of milk left and my kids can go through that in a day so I didn’t want to use it, but I did notice that I had some blueberries that I had defrosted as well as a vanilla ff yogurt and that was breakfast along with my coffee. This week I’ve been using espresso in my regular coffee maker. It was on sale and it makes a really tasty coffee. The flavors are strong and there’s depth to it but it isn’t too strong or bitter which has been the case for me for some of the stronger finer grinds, especially starbucks.

I’ve already cleaned both baths, vacuumed and finished the laundry. This means I get to relax the rest of the weekend. Whoo Hoooo

I’ve been listening to this podcast as I walk/run called Inside Out Weight Loss and I find that it’s been great therapy for me. She focuses on the internal, the mental and the emotional aspect of why we are overweight and how we can overcome ourselves to become the person we want to be. I agree with most of what she says except I need and want to be ok with me and who I am regardless of the number on the scale.

In any event, many of her lessons are quite relevant and I’ve been doing the exercises that she prescribes. Today it was seeing and stepping into the person that you want to be. And trying to reconcile the fact that you won’t and can’t eat donuts and sit on the coach and become that person. Those things just don’t work hand in hand together. In addition to this visualization exercise today she wanted us to try to feel in our center WHY we haven’t become this person. Because if we wanted to be that person with all of our being then we would be that person. Obviously, there is something within me that is holding me back. That was the homework, to try and determine WHAT holds us back. It’s in there, in our center, not our foot or hand. She literally recommends that we feel what part of our body is holding us back and identifying that emotion that emanates from that body part. It can’t be a hand or foot because our emotions come from our center. AND if we think its our hand or foot, this, according to her theory, shows us how disconnected we are with our emotions and we need to really think about what it is that holds us back. Is it fear? Is it as simple as that we want to have a party in our mouth and don’t want to give that up? Or do we overeat for some emotional reason? Comfort, sadness or anger? Or is it that we are just wired by our mom, grandmother etc that food equals acceptance.

I’ve found so far that I’ve got a combination going on inside of me. I definitely don’t eat when I’m sad, I’ve discovered that much. I’ve also discovered some other patterns. I’d like to work on the resolving of these issues at some time and enough with the discovery process..

One other thing that she mentioned was that there are people who believe that if we didn’t have this particular problem, we would just have a different problem, because people always have issues, right? I don’t know about that, I just know that I’ve become more accepting of who I am. And yes, there is always going to be something, but it doesn’t mean that it’s a crisis.

I’ve brought up a lot of questions, I’d love to hear what your thoughts are for you on these.

Wacky Wednesday

Ok, it wasn't. But I couldn't think of anything witty and clever to write. My breakfast. It was pretty good, but I discovered that yet again, cereal does not fill me up. However, I think I may have discovered (ok, discovered for me) one of the best flavor combinations ever to pass by my taste buds. Blueberry and banana. Wow, it was seriously a party in my mouth. The banana looked spotted but it was ok inside. Hope my grandfather went and bought some more though, because I'm sure that by tomorrow they will be too brown to eat. I don't like them all that ripe.

I've started checking my hunger on the hour and I wasn't hungry until 1130. Which was crazy since I ate breakfast at 9a. Seriously, cereal, while I like it, does not keep me satisfied. BUT, I have a whole box of it at home and I refuse to eat anything else for breakfast until I finish it.

At 12:15, yes, somehow I managed to hold off until then I had the plate below. It's Day 5 of month end and that is when the department orders lunch in. It was from Panera so I had the salad below as well as a piece of their bread. I love their bread, so I couldn't resist. I counted it.

I also had a piece of quiche that was camera shy. It was crustless and I had a bunch of veggies in it.

I was hungry at 3p and I got busy at work so before you knew it it was 4pm. Yea!! I managed to make it to snack time. I know I've said that I'm going to eat when hungry and stop when I'm full but I really really think my hunger meter is not working properly so I really make myself wait until a minimum of three hours. Four is preferable, however, I'll take what I can get. This is Day three of me being OP. Yea, imagine that. So my snack was yogurt w/blueberries

this was so good. I had a cracker too when I went to pick up the kids. Which is ok.

I just rode the bike for 3 minutes. Now I'm off to eat dinner, whole wheat pasta w/broccoli and a ricotta sauce w/grilled tilapia.

I'll leave you with this. I was reading a magazine at lunch and there was a study done that shows that women who binge drink have a greater risk of getting an STD. Are you fucking kidding me? They could have paid me to conduct that study and I could have told them that. This wins the Captain Obvious statement of the day. And here's another clue, it isn't the extra alcohol that gives the an STD, it's the drunk sex that they have with random people they pick up in a bar. THAT's what puts them at a greater risk. DOH!

The Halls of Justice

They are awful quiet. I got up and the butt crack of dawn as I had to serve on Jury Duty today. Considering I haven't been called in ten years, I suppose I shouldn't complain. However, 730a is awful early to be downtown when I live on the eastern edge of the Everglades.

Needless to say, the little ones stayed at Nanny's so I wouldn't have to fuss with them in the early morning light. I got myself to courthouse on time, I know this must shock those of you who know me. But there area few things that I will be on time for. My job, well, duh, because they pay me and I have rather become attached to electricity and having a roof over my head. And anything having to do with the legal system. I have respect for this system of ours, no matter how flawed it is and no matter how crooked some people are, I still will always have respect for the process, our country and all that this entails.

So, this means doing my civic duty and not trying to shirk it whenever possible. A bowl of cereal at the ungodly hour of 630am was my breakfast, with some soy milk and coffee. Not my regular dose of coffee either which means, I was yawning by 10am. I also was hungry by then, but since I had no cash on me I couldn't buy anything from the cafeteria. They dismissed us for lunch at like 1120a and I went across the street to this cute little organic cage. It's run by two Russian women and a really high strung man. The Russians ladies paid him no attention though as they made my hummus and feta sandwich on panini bread with tomatoes, onions, romaine lettuce, spinach, cucumbers and carrots. This served with home made potato chips. Which were really homemade, peeled right here in this little place. Of course, I had them all.

Oh, and how could I have forgotten. I'm down another pound. That makes three weeks in a row. When I'm doing nothing other than some intermittent exercise and eating when hungry and stopping when not. Some, ok, ok, a lot of the things I am eating aren't exactly on the top ten superfood list, and to be honest I've gone occasionally past the satisfied marker. But I'm still losing. This gives me yet more motivation to keep on keeping on. That and I'd like to have hot sex with a certain someone but won't until I feel a little better about myself. Oh, don't get me wrong, and save me the "he should like you the way you are" speech, because I don't give a shit about what he thinks. I want to swing from chandeliers and the only way I can do that is if I feel better about my body.

Yes, I realize that I'm doing it backwards and doing it for the wrong reasons, as my therapist sagely pointed out yesterday, but whatever. I'm working on what I can do. And this is something I can do. So I will.

Did I mention I ran yesterday? I thoroughly enjoyed it as well. I always forget how running just to run makes me feel. Like it doesn't matter what my time is, how how many miles I go. It's just so mind soothing to get out there and go.

What do you like to do that clears you mind and centers you?

Monday don't suck for me

Well, my laptop is back to normal, THANK GOD. No, I wasn't able to get my pictures back or my documents that I lost, but it's back to working and I was able to get all my music back, which is good. I know, know, know I am going to have a gain tomorrow. I ate so much over this past week that I'm sure it'll go up. But that's not going to get me down.

I had a great session today, I'll go into it in more depth tomorrow but the bottom line is I've been able to identify some patterns. I'm still doing things for the wrong reason, but she loved the idea of the 15 minute time out. I went and ran 3 miles today here's the biggest thing...I stayed on plan ("OP") all day today. It's the first day that I've been OP all day in a very long while. I feel so good about this! You have no idea.

I've got to get to bed because I have jury duty tomorrow and I have to be at the court house at 730a and the traffic, even at that time is bound to be horrible. So I'm going to bed now, but I'll be sure to bring the camera tomorrow as well as the laptop. Hopefully I'll be able to blog from the courthouse.

Computer Problems

My hard drive crashed on Tuesday and I lost all of my pictures. I have them a lot of them on my Facebook but, the resolution isn't close to the originals.  I've had it repaired but I think that they didn't install the proper RAM as I had 1G and I think they only put in 512. Thus my running really slow on yahoo and other sites. Ugh. I go back tomorrow so hopefully it'll be fixed.

I've not been eating to any plan other than eating when I'm hungry and stopping when I'm not. I just have all I can handle trying to work on my emotional state and not allow myself to fall into a state of depression.  Not that I am or that I am close to that. But I've been struggling a little lately.

I found out that the ex-DBF had dated someone else while we were dating. I asked and he honestly answered.  I don't know why I let this bother me, and honestly, I knew that this was the case, but still.  And the funny thing, he wants his cake and to eat it too. It's up to me whether I allow it or not.  I won't. I can't. That would make me crazy, the knowing. But as someone said to me, there is a reason people are in the past, there is a reason why they came into your life. Leave the "why" in the past with them because by allowing it to be in your present then you are allowing them control over your life. And I definitely don't want to do that.

I'm at a place right now, where my daughter needs me 24/7 and I'll get my adult time in when I can and not at her expense. She's 6 for one year only and they grow so fast. I don't want to miss a second, definitely not because of someone who isn't worthy of it. And he isn't. At all.